Nasty Thoughts

What a waste of a perfectly good day.

I had so many plans too. Instead, I woke up bright and early to discover that....

....I had a headache. I went back to sleep, only to wake up in the afternoon and discover that my headache was STILL THERE and had gotten WORSE. Dammit to hell ! So I didn't do anything. Not even guitar practise

Took my usual overdose of paracetamol and went back to sleep. Woke up again when my phone rang in the evening. I picked up and my mechanic friend announced that my dad's car was ready after four months of repair (apparently, later we discovered that the circuitry for the headlights were fried. High lights only....)

And still, the headache wasn't fully gone. I took shower and ate. And still it was there.

I hate it. I haven't had one of those daylong headaches in the longest time.

So there I was. 9.00 pm and hyperactive. The headache finally went.

I hung out with some friends, sent them home, went out to see Florence. I had a good time. But I'm still hyper and it's 2.oo am.

What do I do now ?

In other crap news, I just realized I left my camera USB cable at the office. So, no new pictures until Thursday night. Damn.

Some very nice people left comments on my last post. For that, I say thanks. It's nice to get feedback.

I actually have some more things to say about that friend of mine, which I mentioned in the last post. There was another thing that our friendship had that I never got in my other relations with women.

Sexual tension.

Some of our conversations were nothing but thinly veiled flirting. I'm amazed at the fact that nothing happened. Why ? Oh yeah right, when I was hanging out with her I was still a virgin.

What the hell does that have to do with anything ? Well, I was still kind of naive at that point and very knight-in-shining-armourly. So I would never have done anything extreme with her. I would never have had the guts to.

Now ? Let's just say that if she wanted me to, I would sleep with her in an instant. There's more of a story to this but that's a really long one.

I know that it might've actually ruined our friendship. Or just maybe, that might've just been the spark that was needed.

We talked about it. What if one of us were to make the move and take it to the next level ? More than just friends. We both decided that it would've been nice. And natural.

But still, nothing happened. We both waited and waited. Nothing. We were friends and just that. Now, I kick myself in the ass. Crazily enough, it's apparent to me that the One may have gotten away.

I deserve not to have it. If I was too scared and too blind, I deserve it. That's the price of indecision.

Am I the type of person who has no sense of ethics and would screw up a friendship by fucking a girl friend ? No I'm not. I wouldn't do it, not with anyone. Except her. It's wrong and the mere thought of it is wrong. Except with her.

It was different. It's difficult to explain. And is this just one twisted fantasy ? It would be if she never knew I felt like this. But she knew and she didn't mind. I told her.

I suddenly feel like I'm a bad person to think about having sexual relations with a friend. It feels wrong.

I feel like I know what to look for now. Unfortunately I also feel like the moment has past and that she was the one chance I should've taken. Serves me right.

Now I'm alone and bored and she's contented with husband and child. Or is she ?

One does wonder...... Okay that's an evil thought. I should just let it go.

Damn, I'm such a bad person.