Good Thoughts

Originally, I had wanted to continue writing after the previous post. Somehow, I think that splitting up today's posting into two parts would make more sense.

And talking about the Photo and RPG meetups on Wednesday and Monday nights, there were so many stories I could tell. So so many. And many, many ribald jokes about errr....many "things". I'm lucky like that. I have great, cool, interesting friends.

And I have pictures. But Photojerk still doesn't work.

And so, this second post is my own introspective monologue about how things are going and how is it when compared to last week and the weeks before.

Few things I have noted.

One, if stranger read this blog regularly and met me in real life later, they would probably agree that the real life person and the person writing here are nothing like each other. This blog paints a picture of me, but it is not a complete picture by any means.

Two, I work better in a group of people than I would one on one (sometimes). This part I'm not very sure. It's ok if I were to go out one on one with someone I know and am familiar with. But I'm less sure if I were to go out on, let say, a blind date where the other person is a TOTAL stranger. And what if I go out with someone I'm attracted to ? Can you say, impending disaster ? In my case so far, attraction is the spice of doom that brings potentially catastrophic results. Doesn't even have to be major, a slight attraction is enough for me to trip myself up.

I don't understand that part.

But I do realize that a person is always the same person in front of everyone. Is that true with other people too ?

In some circles, I am a wallflower. I don't say anything at all. Some people (like many of my distant relatives) have commented that I'm either aloof or not very sociable. I don't know why, but I feel ackward with them and I can't relate to what they talk about. There's some kind of mental barrier there.

In other circles, I'm an obnoxious blabbermouth and can even be ocassionally funny, as can be witnessed during the meetups. I felt great and comfortable. It's probably because some of my friends are there. In social circles, I'm the type who needs someone else to play off for me to feel like I belong in a group.

In a bunch of people I don't know, that depends on the setting. I didn't know anyone during the first bloggers meet that I went to but I think I did fine. It's probably because everyone had a common interest and there was something to break the ice with.

And I'm thinking, I can be a different person in all these different settings, so who is really me ? I don't know. But I do know which person I want to be.

I want to be like I was during this week. I think I like that version of me more than the terminally depressed, moping over [insert name of girl here] me. I would also like it very much if my blog could be more like I was during the meetups too. But alas, it is my emotional dumping ground, so looks like some of the emotional drivel will return from time to time....

I have found part of the cure to my problems. I need to meet and hang out with people, friends and strangers. I need to stop believing in all the "Mac is socially inept because he can't mix with [insert name of bunch of people] here" and the "Mac is socially inept because he can't pick up girls within 30 seconds of meeting them" crap.

[Having said that, picking up girls within 30 seconds of meeting them is a skill that I most definitely would like to have. Do they have manuals for things like that ?].

All this thoughts are poison put in there by "well meaning" relatives and jealous loser classmates from school and college.

People can't be consistent with everyone and I may not be able to mix with everyone. I realize that not everyone will like me or think that my jokes are funny (that's usually because they don't get it but that story is for some other time when I'm more angry). I realize that I may be too dorky/nerdy/uncool/ugly/short/poor/plain/etc for some people.

And so what ? I have proven to myself that I have my own niche and my own circle. I have a nice circle of friends and social acquiantances.

Instead of reminding myself about what some f**ker said back in Form Five, this is what I should remind myself of.

And this is what I should remember.