Self Destruction

First thing first, I would like everyone to read this post. It's very nice. I want to write and comment, but all the words are already there. So please read.

Last night, after posting I went and reread some of the older stuff I've written before. Like yesterday's rather crap sounding post. And the many even crappier ones before that. I ask myself, "What do people see when they read what I write ?"

I would like to think that it doesn't matter. And it didn't at first. This blog's purpose was never to solicit readers in the first place. It was just there as a place to spill and write randomly.

As it turns out, in time people did come and read. A good number of people too. Many left messages and comments and a few even sent mail.

In time I've gotten to know some of these people, many of whom have blogs of their own. I may never have met them in person, but there are real enough to me. And since I know them, what they say and how they think of of me matters quite a bit.

I care about what my friends think. I worry that I may lose them because of what I say. I worry that the reason that some people are reluctant to form friendships with me is because of the image that I project from this blog.

But that's not important and not what this post is about today.

Is it funny ? It's a trend with me apparently. Whenever I do something just for the hell of it, the result is always good and it often works out just fine (in the case of blogging, better than I would have dared expected). But whenever I do something and wanting that it would work out, often it doesn't.

I wrote about this same thing many months ago. I wonder, why is it so ? Does me prioritising and caring guarantee failures and that in order to do well I must not take it seriously ? Call it crazy, but it seems like that.

I'm having a suddenly realisation. Self-sabotage is devastating and unstoppable, especially because you can't see it coming.

A friend sent me mail a long while ago with regard to problems with a certain attempt at courtship. In it she wrote,

"I have a couple theories on this I'll throw at you...
1) You really have a masochistic, self-destructive streak and only
want the forbidden fruit, in which case you're gonna need to delve
into that, because it's obviously not serving you. At the very least,
it ain't getting you laid.

Or

2) Deep down, you don't believe yourself worthy of these quality
women, and so you have a mental block toward them (i.e., no feelings
at all for), and go after ones you know you will never get,
guaranteeing your prophecy (of not being good enough to get the girl)
is self-fulfilled. Self-sabotage is a wily and robust demon that we
all have to face sooner or later. And if that's the case, you're
going to have to delve into that self-esteem stuff, too, because it
isn't serving you either."

Both points speak of one common thing. Self sabotage. Self fulfiling prophecy. Spookily enough, she's not the first person to suggest something like this to me.

I must recognise the possibility that part of my problem may be that I mess myself up unconsciously. Perhaps I have been too comfortable in the hapless victim's role for far too long. And not just relationship either. Perhaps I have a self destruct button which I perversely like to fiddle with for reasons that are beyond me right now.

The question again becomes, how do I get out of here ? Is there a way around or out of it ?

And I would really like to know in case this was the truth, where did I get this from ? And how come nobody else in my house has it. Is it genetic ? Did I inherit it ? Is it an acquired flaw ? Is it a product of my environment ? Why is there a bomb in my package ?

Self sabotage is a character flaw isn't it ? Sometimes, I wish I paid more attention in Psyche class while in college.

I would like to beat this, if it's there. I don't know if I could. I might need some help here.

And to end, this post is for everyone that is depressed or have ever been depressed. Sometimes you have to stop blaming the world and fate and start looking inside. Perhaps the key is somewhere there ?