Enemy

Something unprecedented just happened. Just now I pulled a post a few hours after I posted it. No one saw it. At least, no one I know.

Some things are extremely raw and quite personal. Some things need to be kept out of the public forum.

But then I felt bad. I violated a principle and I felt as if by doing that, I'm not being responsible. And so I'm posting it again, albeit in less detail.

I went on a big Internet hunt after posting the Self Destruction post. I have concluded that the melancholy I go through cannot be normal, considering how persistent and how overwhelming it can get. And not to mention that I remember feeling this way ever since childhood. And not to mention how I can be upset suddenly, without any reason or provocation.

I found a checklist that checks if you have depression. I filled it. It said I suffer from symptoms of severe depression.

I couldn't believe that. So I found a different one. I did that one and ditto.

And then I started reading. Articles and other things about it. What is depression and what sets it of. What makes it worse and what determines its longevity. How severe is severe and what are the implications. What can be done to make it go away.

Some of the stuff I read was just plain eerie for the fact that it describes EXACTLY what I'm feeling and thinking.

The likelihood is very great that I might have depression.

Now that I know what kind of demon I'm fighting, I feel a little less helpless. Paradoxically knowing what might be wrong with me is actually making me feel better.

I need to go and think now about what I have to do. What do I do ? Do I seek professional assistance ? I don't know what to do.

I hope that I might be able to put this in the ground once and for all. I really hope so. I hope I have what it takes to beat it.