Not Easy

This demon slaying is not easy is it ? I think some kind of superpower is needed. Or a Slayer. I cross my fingers one day she will rescue me....

I'm alright today. Not brilliant-everything-is-perfect but alright.

I messaged someone today. She didn't message me back. I don't know why, but I took that somewhat poorly. Which is a double standard since I sometimes do this too. But only if I notice the message too late. Sorry about that I know that's rude, except when I'm out of phone credit.

I had anticipated this levelling of the good mood from yesterday. I would be a really big fool if I were to think it was that easy to fix yourself. Surely it would take longer than 24 hours.

I know that it's going to be a long, hard ride.

The good news today is that I kept the negative paranoia to a barest minimum. That's a start right ?

I believe that if I could unlearn the automatic self criticism I would solve 50% of the current issues that I'm having.

I went out to my usual watering place. I saw my ex there with a guy friend. She looked really pleased. I hope she's okay. I haven't called or talked to her in ages. Is that a good thing ?

I want to actually.

In other self involved news, my brother bought Counterstrike : Condition Zero and set it up to play on my PC. He played online and there was NO lag at all. It's cool. More shooty goodness. Only this time, I'm shooting other real people.

I need that right now. And to be politically correct, I always play counter terorrist. I hope that the real counter terror people out there are better shots than me though.

I bought DVDs yesterday and today I watched The Girl Next Door starring Elisha Cuthbert of 24 fame. I like this movie. It's a good old fashion high school movie. It's also a love story with a happy ending which made me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Happy endings. I have a good idea of what kind of happy ending that I want. Truth is, no one is ever guaranteed one of those I see. Real life being cruel as it is, is quite arbitrary when it comes to things like this isn't it ?

But I do wish it. I read somewhere while doing my depression research, one of those things that caused depression is giving up on hope. Give up on hope and dull the pain and start sliding down the tube of depression, so the article says.

Giving up on hope is supposed to shield a person from pain because deferred hope hurts and hoping in vain hurts even more. So no hope no hurt. Apparently it doesn't work that way.

Hope, true or false gives a person something to look forward to. Something to shoot for. Hope like that gives a broken spirit a lift, or so it says.

I'm guilty of such. Giving up and not caring is supposed to make things better. Instead, that was the trigger.

I want to hope that one day the good things that happen will happen here to. But it's frightening. What if it was never meant to be ? What if I'm not listed in the happy endings shortlist.

Yes I realised I sound stupid and melodramatic. Trust me when I say I would rather not be. I would rather discuss ammunition mechanics of the Counterstrike game engine.

And so according to that article I read, in order to climb out of depression I need to face up to my fears again and dare to hope no matter how far fetched it seems to my cynical, negative mind.

Frightening.

What do you think ? Entertaining hope that might be nothing but a pipe dream. Good move or not ?