Thursday, March 31, 2005

Me Talking About Politics

Now what the heck am I gonna do with 2Gbs of email capacity ?

I know it says 1Gb only. I will have two gigs because I also have a Gmail account. If I wanted to be kiasu I could go for THREE Gbs of mail by signing up with Torrent Reactor.

Maybe I should, just for the hell of having that much space to mess around with. Maybe I can use the Torrent Reactor account to sign up for more, errr....."exotic" websites eherm.

Ok moving on.

At work now. A quiet night so far. Got one hard disk to do diagnostics on. Should be routine.

I had wanted to write something about more stupid things our politicians said during Parliament sittings. Just read today's NST and Star. I can't be bothered find the links now.

One thing I can say though. Conservatism is dangerous. On the outside, it looks morally superior to more leftist, liberal ways of thinking.

But there's a sinister side. Conservatism if left unchallenged, will breed repression and narrow mindedness. Allow it to run it's course, conservatism will become radicalism and woe betide those who are "deviant" and don't follow the "official line".

Happily, in this country there are enough open minded people who make a huge fuss everytime any out-of-touch politician makes an idiotic statement (LRT add anyone ?) or try to get some dangerous repressive law passed (snoop squads, morality policing).

I hope they will be enough sensible people around who make noise because there's sure is enough conservatives out there who try to ban and censor and control and repress ostensibly "for our own good".

You know what all that implies to me ? It implies that we Malaysians can't be trusted to use good judgement. It implies that we Malaysians are weak minded and are susceptible to malicious external "influences" It implies that Malaysians need 24hr supervision and need to be protected lest we stray.

Sure some of use will stray and do "bad" things. But which nation on earth is free from people like that ? Do you see any county's people living in Utopian bliss where everyone is "equal" and morally "upstanding" ? Morons are morons and criminals are criminals wherever they are. No amount of "control" will change that.

I get pissed off when some asshole MP opens his/her big mouth and starts talking about taking liberties from people. It's insulting. I take it personally.

Thought control and government control. There's a system of government that uses that as a primary tool.

Communism. Is this what conservatives want ?


EDIT: That was depressing wasn't it ? I don't like to talk about current issues because there are enough blogs and news websites that do.

Also, it pisses me off.

But sometimes, I feel compelled to say something. Like right now.

Personally, I'd rather write about stuff like pets, music, computer games, pretty girls, moronic internet users etc.

It's more fun. Especially the girls....

Won't You Tell Us Your Name ?

TARA: I think it's strange. I mean, I think I should worry that we haven't
found her name.
WILLOW: Who, Miss Kitty?
TARA: You'd think she'd let us know her name by now.
WILLOW: She will.She's not all grown yet.
TARA: You're not worried?
WILLOW: I never worry here. I'm safe here.
TARA: You don't know everything about me.
WILLOW: Have you told me your real name?

TARA: Oh, you know that.

- Tara & Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Episode 78 Restless

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Public Service Announcement

My Internet connection is unusually slow right now.

I added new blogs to the roll. Go and visit KennySia and A Little Taste of Obscurity. Funny. Good.

And talking about adding new links, it took the longest time to save the changes to the template code and get it published. This blog is getting too big. Or maybe I'm being extremely impatient right now.

I drank a little too much Coke just now. I don't normally drink Coke. Or coffee for that matter. I fact I drink alcoholic beverages more often. But it's nice sometimes.

Which reminds me:-

Got one of those annoying headaches that only affect a small part of your head. Headache lasting the whole fricking day ? Try this.

Ye Olde Near Instant Headache Remedy

You need:-

One can of Coke/Pepsi/any carbonated, caffeinated beverage (preferably ice cold)
Paracetamol or other general pain killer* (Panadol, Uphamol 650 or for more bang, Ponstan)
*Do NOT use aspirin. May cause unknown side affects.

Take normal number of tablets (slightly more for experienced users) and throw into the back of throat. Swallow.

Down big gulp of Coke/Pepsi/carbonated caffeinated beverage.

Sit or lie down in a preferably dark, cool place. Wait 15-20 minutes.

Headache goes *poof*

WARNING: Some users may experience slight lightheadedness and other minor physical side effects. Avoid handling or operating vehicles, heavy machinery, weapons or explosives.

Side effects usually dissipate within two hours.

DISCLAIMER: Try at your own risk. I will not be responsible for any other side effects not noted in this post.

I learnt this method from a college mate and bloody hell it works.

Current Music Skidrow Creepshow Slave to the Grind

Monday, March 28, 2005


Tomorrow ! Tomorrow will be an excellent day. Any day where I don't have to turn up at the office is a good day....

There are a whole multitude of things that I need to do. First, I need to finally do something to my Blogrolling account. Which I signed up for eight months ago. Yes, despite all the improvement I can still be horribly unmotivated.

And then I have to check out my groups. Yes, I was at work for five days through the weekend and unbelievably enough actually had things to do. Actual work related things.

After that, I need to go out and turn in my green card at the finance company. I paid my auto insurance and road tax last week. What did I learn from that ? I may not be as poor as I used to be, but it still stings like hell to have to fork out four figures worth of cold hard cash. It hurts, but I bet it hurts less than jail, which is where I'd end up in if I get busted driving car with no insurance.

But I did think about the thousand bucks worth of gadgets I could buy....

I need to spruce up my LJ. I need to add some kickass blogs which I've discovered recently.

I bought the Sepet VCD today. Also bought Blade Trinity.

I need to take pictures of The Cat. Actually The Kitten, but she's not going to be small forever. Which is too bad.

I'm actually thinking about calling her Ms Kitty Fantastico. Buffy fans would know what I'm talking about.

I'm in a strange place right now. Which brings me to my point for today. Which is inertia.

As I remember it, inertia is the law of physics which states that a mass or object will tend to stay in its current state of motion. A moving object tends to want to keep moving, and a stationary object wants to remain stationary.

Before anyone bites my head off for my lame ass layman's explanation of inertia gimme a break okay. It's been a long time since I sat in Physics class plus I'm too lazy to look it up. Of course if anyone wants to correct me, please feel free to use the comment function.

This applies to humans too. Only sometimes it's called Fear of Change.

It's a strange place I'm in. It's not as dark as it before and I can see slivers of sunlight in the east (this is a metaphor by the way).

I'm not feeling bad, depressed or upset. I'm not involved in any doomed relationship nor am I attracted to some strange woman who either doesn't know I exist or thinks I'm creepy or is "just not that into me and never will be". I'm not in any trouble with the law or at work and I'm not dirt poor.

In fact, I dare say that everything's looking pretty ok at the moment (dammit, I just jinxed myself by saying that didn't I ?)

This is a good thing isn't it ? But no. Apparently I'm feeling kinda restless that I don't feel like I felt. Which is really stupid.

I think there's a part of me that thrives on pain and darkness. It's probably the same part that is thinking "Angst free blogging is boring. Now nobody is going to read your pathetic blog ! You're doomed buddy ! Doomed !!!! Muahahahahaah !!!!!"

I know none of that is true. But there you go. Negative thoughts and paranoia, albeit in manageable doses this time.

This is inertia. The fact that I'm feeling unsettled by being relatively content can only be explained by inertia. Or was that Fear of Change ?

Have I mentioned before that human beings are stupid and irrational ? I did ? Good. I still think so.

It's not actually surprising. I read many blogs and it's the same story mostly. People rave and rant about wanting a change and when it happens, they dither and wonder if it's what they really want. Some chicken out for no other reason that fear. Or is that security ?

I guess sometimes the security of familiar things can sometimes be more of a comfort. Even as we envy others who are on the side with the apparently greener grass.

Even if that familiar surrounding is dark and dank like Xander's basement.

Inertia = Fear of Change.

Being a human being with feelings can be so perplexing sometimes....

Sunday, March 27, 2005

LJ and Cats

It's been an awfully trying week. I've been at work a lot and tomorrow I have to come back to work again on what is supposed to be my day off. I had so many things planned for tomorrow. Ok, maybe just a few things. But I want my free time dammit !

I've had a rather quiet day today so I've been surfing my blog links. Therefore, if anyone sees my IP logged in repeatedly on their site meters, please don't freak out. I'm not being creepy stalker guy, just being really bored guy.

I have a Livejournal now.

At first, I signed up so that I could comment on other LJs as myself instead of "anonymous". But it seems like such a waste to just let it lie there unused. So right now, I'm thinking about errr... spinning off Riding the Mellow. I'm not sure what I should do with it yet. Any suggestions ?

Next week after work, I'm planning to have a quietish week. This week was rather action packed. I went out nearly every night.

Something good happened this week.

We now have a cat. We haven't had cats for nearly two decades no thanks to my cat-hating former dog (may he rest in peace).

Anyway, the cat.

She came out of nowhere. She just showed up on our doorstep one day.

She cannot be more than three months old. She knows where the toilet is, and knows how to use it (which is quite remarkable to me, although she can't flush yet) She seems awfully bright and quite aggressive for something so tiny.

Seems like she's staying. We haven't named her yet.

Also, it seems that word has gotten around the feline community in my neighbourhood that my cat hating dog has passed away. Our neighbours' cats have been using our compound for their evening meetings since a few weeks ago.

Our new dog, he's just a kid and doesn't seem to mind the cats. Which is good I think.

When I talk about animals in the house, you just know that I'm bored. And exhausted.

Edit: Incidentally this is actually a two part post. I got interrupted in the office just now. And of course, have a blessed Easter.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

The Dumb Things People Do

Dammit. I go and write a looong entry and what happens ?

My PC crashes. And now I forgot what I was saying. So, brand new entry. In retrospect, maybe it was good that I lost my last entry. It was a little too ranty, now that I think about it.

I went out last night and had a great time. As usual, great conversation, bizarre unintentional jokes and people getting hypered up from sugar and caffeine.

Which brings me to my point.

It's quite strange to see someone you know making the very same mistakes that you've made before. And yet at the same time, you know that there's not much you can do. Sometimes, people NEED to learn the hard way. No amount of help is going to, In fact, when you're talking about someone who is currently quite self centred, any amount of extra attention is going to make the problem worse.

In a way, it's naivety. You need help and you want to talk and yet somehow can't be straight with yourself about it. So you unconsciously do all these little things to draw attention to yourself. Like you go out with your friends and instead either being straight up and ask for help out loud or make an effort to enjoy yourself, all you do is pull a long face in public, secretly wishing that someone would ask you what's wrong.

Stuff like this is extremely annoying. No one likes an attention whore.

I've been through that before. I still don't get it. I still don't know why some people (myself included) who need help don't just go up to a friend and say,"Hey, I feel like crap today. I need to talk about it." Why this urge to do annoying things like hint that you're upset and expect people to read your mind ? It gets even more annoying when you see that it's not working, so you make an even bigger ass of yourself. In public and in front of strangers.

Personally, I think the straight up asking for help is less annoying and somehow seems more "professional". And yet.... I've done crap like this myself.

Is it pride ? Is it denial ? Maybe it's hard to admit that you want to talk about your feelings, especially when you're a guy. So you try to suppress it, but the crap feelings are so strong they bubble up to the surface and cause the irritating public displays of attention seeking.

Actually, that sounds about right. I could be wrong here. But that sounds logical doesn't it ?

Or maybe it's indecision. You want to talk, but you don't want to at the same time.

Of course, some people love to draw attention to themselves just because. That's another different story. Fortunately, I don't know too many people like that.

Another thing that I thought about is the overeagerness factor. See in social interactions, overeagerness = badness.

Overeagerness makes people scary. And annoying. It can result in things like inapproriate touching, lame attempts at making jokes and other annoying attention getting ploys that never work.

I should know. Don't ask me how I know. We human beings are so lame aren't we ?

Actually, being hyper happy and eager when you meet someone you know and equally hyper eager to see you is great. It only gets creepy when strangers are involved.

Tact is very important. Some people as usual, need to learn it the hard way. I know I did. You know what's scary ? Some people, never learn.

Ironic isn't it ? So eager to meet new people, make friends and possibly more than that, and yet that same eagerness is what is pushing people away.

Sometimes, not trying at all is the best policy. Especially when dealing with people.

Ok this post is quite long enough for now. I haven't started on people who are hyper intense yet. Like that one time, when my cousin's ex girlfriend went to a longhouse, met this guy and was quite friendly with him, only to be have the bejesus frightened out of her when the guy asked her to marry him.

After only 5 days.

Can you say presumptious ? This story as they say, is for another time.

People can be very strange.

Thursday, March 24, 2005



I didn't get much sleep last night at all. That was my fault though, I stayed up until one in the morning playing SW : Republic Commandos. I'm at this particularly riveting part of the story involving a hijacked assault ship and a bunch of Trandoshans and their droid helpers.

So sorry, gamespeak.

Once again, I have this urge to write. Happens quite a bit now, especially when I'm bored. If only there was some way I could get paid for it.....

Anybody bother reading that Ladder Theory link from my last post ? It just occured to me that it sounds really bitter in places. Therefore, I'm less inclined to agree with it now. I realized that it is supposed to be tongue in cheek. I was reading it again this morning. It sounded more bitter than funny. Or maybe as usual, it's just me being rather grumpy in the morning.

I'm upset about a lot of things a lot of the time, but I'm not SO bitter as to not notice inapproriate bitterness. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into that kind of stuff.

Anyway, all things considered it's quite tricky to quantify and analyse relationships like how the Ladder Theory does. It doesn't really apply to everyone after all. It's just a general outline I would say.

Come to think of it I might have two ladders instead of one, only women I meet usually start in the potential ladder before moving to the friend only ladder. I admit, some friends I would sleep with and some I wouldn't. It depends on the weirdness factor.

Oh sod it, this is folly. Relationships are supposed to be confusing and difficult to understand, at least from an analytical, academic perspective. And me ? Obviously not an expert.

I'll just go and enjoy the ones that I have now.

It's lunch time, I'm hungry but can't decide what to eat. That's an annoying situation to be in.

I didn't bring my camera today, so no pics.

Right, I think I'll go downstairs now.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Making Peace

Warning: Emotionally charged ranty post ahead.

I haven't had a deep conversation in real life since forever. All my deep thinking's been done here at the Mellow.

Until today that is. I went to a nice coffee place that is not Coffee Bean and I talked with a friend all afternoon. That was nice, if not I would've wasted the entire day at home watching DVDs and lying down.

I've known this friend since forever. In the past, we were never really familiar with each other. Back then, she was simply a different person. I guessed we both were.

We talked about music, life, movies, the Ladder Theory, our friends, her boyfriend.

I'm pleasantly surprised at her maturity. I sometimes forget people can grow. She's grown in a good way. She could've just as easily turned out to be a conservative, narrow minded person. But she didn't.

She mentioned that 75% of my blog posts have something to do with loneliness and my frustrations at not being able to find a girlfriend. While the actual percentage may be arguable (that's because I'm too lazy to actually do a statistical analysis), but yeah angst is a big part of my blogging. Or at least in the past year it was.

Errhh... I don't know what to write about actually. Or more accurately, I'm not entire sure how to phrase my thoughts right now. So bear with me, I might sound rather confused.

It's better now. The perpetual gloom that I was feeling is gone. For now.

Like I was saying to my friend just now, I know it'll come back. They'll be days that the deafening silence that I sometimes hear will return. They will be times when people are with their loved ones, I will find myself alone again. I know it will hurt. I know I will ask why. I know I will feel unworthy and lost. I know I will feel that I've failed somehow to fulfil a pressing need.

I know that it's normal for me to feel this way, whatever my naturally negative thinking will suggest.

I know I might fall again. When all these things return, I hope I can do what I need to alleviate it and make it hurt less.

If felt good to talk about the things that I blog about to a real person in real life. It's freeing somehow. It was good to know that she tried to understand.

What did I get from this afternoon ? Many things.

Life is not the same for everyone. Fair or not, it's not the question. Life is a card game and everyone gets different hands. And everyone plays the hand they're dealt with, fair or not.

I'm trying not to be bitter about plans gone awry and shattered dreams. I'm trying not to be sad about how things keep turning out differently from what I had planned.

The hand I play is not a royal flush. What can I do but keep playing ? It's not like I have the option to fold and stop playing. Actually, there is an option but that is an option too bleak to contemplate. I refuse to give up like that.

I'm trying hard not to compare myself with other people who have all the things that I want and who in my mind have achieved the happily-ever-after that I want so much. I want to stop asking why they can and I can't. But that's nearly impossible to do it seems.

My friend was talking about things regarding relationship and she told me that I should take it easy and not push it.

It's hard for me to hear that kind of talk. I want to push. I want what I want.

In the end, I have to make peace with the fact that some things are simply not meant to happen. Whether I can do that, is another completely different story.

I told my friend this:-

I'm not going to actively look for a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, I'm done with trying.

The only guaranteed outcome of my pushing is more pain, more regrets, more questions. It's clear that for this to happen, I need blind luck. I've proven it to myself more than once.

I accept that. Yes, one could argue that I should try harder, meet more people. The truth is, it hurts too damn much to fail again. I need, nay, I WANT one CLEAR shot. In my mind, I can only handle one more failed attempt at relationship. Only one more. Anymore than that I fear that the pain will push me over the edge.

Perhaps one day everything will be made clear to me and then maybe I will have some peace. Perhaps one day, I can stop wanting things that I can't have and be satisfied with the cards that I do have.

Current Music Undone Lifehouse Lifehouse

Tuesday, March 22, 2005


Stout is gooood. Very very good, especially after a day's work. I was at work on Monday. It was strange to get off at 5.00 instead of 7.00. It felt wrong somehow.

I'll try to stay on topic today.

Anyway, I hung out at my friends house and later went to The Favourite Watering Hole to have drinks and sing old Malay rock songs. Old Malay rock songs.....well, rock. The new ones don't quite cut it.

On Sunday, I watched Sepet. I had quite a bit of trouble explaining it to my colleagues on Monday. See, usually local movies can be categorised by language. It's a Malay movie, a Chinese movie, an Indian movie, an Iban movie etc.

Sepet ? Just like real life in Malaysia, it's multilingual. It's a Malay/Mandarin/Cantonese/Hokkien/English movie. I know one reason why they haven't been so many multilingual movies made in Malaysia is that the censors, for whatever reason frown upon it.

You'd think that a made-in-Malaysia multilingual movie would be the most natural thing in the world. It's not, even though this country is multi lingual. I find it strange.

I like Sepet. Very sweet and quite realistic. I like the script and the multilingual-ness. I like the fact that unlike many other local stuff, Chinese people speak various Chinese dialects instead of Malay. I like the use of English in it's natural Malaysian form. The language makes Sepet believable.

This is a huge improvement over the other local movies that I have watched previously. I can't relate to a lot of them.

High lights for me include :-

Intro montage. Genius !!

Orked's Mat-Salleh-celup-tak-sedar-diri-wanker tirade at the school. I loved that. I'd watch this movie again just to listen to this again.

Milf ! "Yes it's a word. It means Mothers I'd like to..." Harith Iskandar. I'm not even surprised. I'm even less surprised at the fact that the censors completely missed that one *snicker*

"I'm balancing a giraffe on my face" For some reason, I loved this scene.

Ida Nerina and Harith Iskandar ! They rock bebeh.

The "world falls away" scene at the VCD stall. Made funnier when Lin snaps her fingers and the sound comes back on. No contrived dialogue necessary to convey the idea here. Very nice touch.

Having said all that, there are some things that could've been done:-

The relationship between Orked and Ah Loong should've been explored more. Also, Orked's relationship with Johari could've been made more clear. I didn't quite get why she would still go out with him after what he tried to pull at the party.

Ditto Ah Loong's gangsterism dominated underworld background, in particular his connection with Jimmy and her sister.

Some scenes struck me as being rather pointless. I like the transitions shots though.

Most of all, some of the acting is not so good and the delivery of lines could've been more forceful but since most of the people involved are either non-actors or first timers, they did a decent job. At least they didn't suck.

All in all, I loved this movie. In particular, I like the fact that the movie made no real attempt at serious social commentary, since indie films tend to veer towards that. It was hinted at, but that was it. Sepet is not about social issues. It's about two kids from different parts of Ipoh.

In that respect, it worked very well. And, Sharifah Amani is cute...

In other news, I managed to get Star Wars: Republic Commando from my friend yesterday. Looks pretty good, unfortunately the ingame sounds are too light, too muted. I like very percussive sound effects for my war games on PC.

So far so good, aside from the sound I like what I see.

I hope they make sequels set in the old Star Wars universe. I'd like to see Rebel Commando and Imperial Commando in the future.

In more news, nothing much is going on now.

I took many pictures of the Kuching skyline at dusk while waiting for Sepet on Sunday. I'll put them up once I decide which ones I like.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Books, Art and Runaway Fingers

I'm so sorry. My blog entries haven't been themselves of late. I peruse through my own archives and can see that the really good entries were Powered by Angst. I should go out and make those stickers that people put on their souped up rides, except mine would say Riding the Mellow : Powered by Angst.

It'll be the only one in Kuching. It'll be better if I can use the same fonts people use for their Powered by [insert engine manufacturer here] stickers.

Obviously I'm messing around here. But it's true you know. Man's best works of art are powered by angst and pain. I guess I'm no different. Right now, I'm listening to Lifehouse again, and the lush music and lyrics are the bomb, man. I can here the melancholy behind the words and the arrangement. Imagine if Lifehouse wrote happy-happy-joy-joy songs instead. Ewwww....

Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that I find songs that are too perky to be really, really irritating. Maybe it's just me....

By the way, I'm not implying that I'm an artist in any way. Me no artist. I haven't created anything I would consider artful.

I had a lovely, if rather exhausting day yesterday. Straight off work, I rushed to Elephant to meet up with a bunch of people for a book meet. Jerome was there and Gette was there. Reen got there later. Fariah came also. And Henrick arrived last.

Fariah brought the books that I lent her before and my goodness, I never realized I had so many books. When I got home, out of curiousity I checked out my room and the bookshelves in the living room. Yes, I have a LOT of books.

I was once quite an avid reader. Still am, except that I don't really have the energy to do that anymore. Plus, good books tend to cost, especially the kind that I like.

I'm not much of your orthodox fiction reader. The only fictional books that I've read are the Dragonlance books (Fariah says there are new ones, continuing with the tales of Caramon's daughters ! There's even a female Raistlin in there. I want !), the Richard Marcinko books, some Tolkien and Lone Wolf, Greystar, Fighting Fantasy, Way of the Tiger and Grailquest game books.

I also used to read Transformers comics. But that's a given since what kind of geek would I be if I didn't read Transformers. Us geeks have an image to uphold, you know ?

So what kind of books do I read then, aside from things like Deploying Microsoft Windows Server 2003 and mainboard manuals ?

I like history. I love books on astronomy, archeology, egyptology and zoology. I like books that discuss alternate histories (Graham Hancock's Fingerprints of the Gods is one of the finest ever) and what-if scenarios. I read militaria and war stories from The American Civil War, WW1, WW2, Korea and Vietnam. Books by authors like Stephen Ambrose are the best ones. And I loved The Jungle is Neutral and Kanang.

I like anomaly, paranormal and occult books. I like reading about religion and not just Christianity.

I'm thinking about buying books again, expensive as they may be. They're like musical instruments, the more they age the more valuable they become.

This is so funny, I'm supposed to write about something else entirely when I started this post. My fingers just ran away from me there....

How many bloggers have this tendency ? I do this all the time.

Anyway, today I plan to watch a movie and have dinner with friends. You have a nice to now, ya hear ?

Current Music All in All Lifehouse Lifehouse

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Phone Calls, Blogging, Engrish & Keiko

I noticed that the blogosphere is getting quieter lately. A lot of the blogs I go to aren't being updated quite as often as I would like them to be.

Yes. I am an insatiable blog addict. I need my hourly blog fixes. I'm telling you, it's worse than cigarrettes.

Yesterday, two very nice people called me on the phone. One was in the afternoon. I hope to be able to see her next week. She seemed like she had a lot to say.

Later at night while I was trying desperately to chase & shoot down Zeros in my very lame P40B Tomahawk in Pacific Fighters, another friend called me. She was bored.

Since I was kinda bored too, we talked for awhile. It just occured to me that I haven't had a marathon phone conversation in years. Before they invented the Internet, I spent a lot of time on the phone.

I used to have huge 4-5 hour conversations on the phone. Obviously since I was a school kid and therefore jobless and incomeless, my parents were less than thrilled when they got the phone bill. Anyway, talking on the phone was fun at the time. I could talk on and on. Apparently, I can no longer yak away on the phone like that. I've lost my phone enthusiasm with my advancing age. Nowadays, I just SMS.

Getting back on topic, my friend had some awfully nice things to say about my blogging. I was quite flattered. It's nice to occasionally get positive attention. As usual with anyone who talks about blogging with me, I tried to get her to do her own. She said she couldn't.

At first, I thought I couldn't do it either. But really, it's not that hard. Everyone's got stories to tell after all. Therefore non-bloggers, please go and try it. You might be surprised. I know I was.

I also wondered if any of my classmates and friends from my school days blog, or read blogs. Anyone born in 72, 73 & 74 reading right now ? If so, please leave a note. I'm curious. I would like to know.

In other news, I found this hilarious bit of Engrish from Macvaysia. Bad English rocks bebeh ! You like ? Want more ? Go and read and be increduled by the hilarity ! Ha ! Tootle me indeed...

And in some other news, I would like to mention something about car racing, which I quite enjoy watching.

There's many Asian drivers in Formula racing nowadays. Karthikeyan & Sato in F1 and many others in the other Formulas and events.

There's one more Asian (Japanese to be precise) driver whose progress I'm suddenly interested in. Keiko ! (No relation to that whale used in the Free Willy movies). Unfortunately, her website is in Japanese. Which is too bad because I noticed a section called Voices, which appears to be some kind of diary or journal.

You see, Keiko Ihara is remarkable because Keiko's a she. Since car racing is male dominated, it's quote remarkable for her to be involved. Even more unique is the fact that she's Japanese. And having won races in Japan before, she's pretty good too. So she's not in car racing for novelty's sake.

I admire women who do well in male dominated areas like car racing. In fact, car racing is one of the few sports where women can compete with men head to head, fair & square. It's a sport where gender is NO issue at all. It's cool like that, hence the presence of talented female drivers in events like F3, rallying and endurance racing (a la the Le Mans 24hour event).

For those who didn't know, female race car drivers are not rare. However, a female driver in F1 IS rare. And even more rare, an ASIAN female racer.

One day soon, I hope to see a female driver who gets a top team drive in F1. That would be the coolest. Perhaps that day will be as early as the next two years ? If Keiko can help it, it will be. Read this and this.

I wish her the best of luck and hopefully she'll get to test with an F1 team at the end of this season. Somehow, I think being a woman will make her more determined than Alex Yoong...

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Your Typical Journal Entry

I'm still quite bored and uninspired. With no obvious distress and no burning question to discuss, this is going to be another typical "Dear Diary" type journal entry.

I am bored enough this evening to fiddle with my oft neglected Friendster account. I admit, I have a prejudiced view of Friendster. I have this impression that only annoying giggly teenagers use it.

Hey, I never said I was a saint ok. I can have my biases if I want to, no matter how lame it is.

Anyway, Friendster. I've been messing around with it and doing some blind searches and I managed to find some people I know who I haven't met in forever. I actually sent them some requests. I have to admit despite it's rep, Friendster does have its graces. It's not entirely useless.

Besides fiddling with Friendster, I went to Torrentspy and did a search on my brother's recommendation. I went looking for and found music by Carcass. Now, Carcass is a grindcore outfit. What is "grindcore" ? It's a subgenre of thrash metal, only much faster, more percussive and more brutal, faster than even speed metal. I like. For those who didn't know, I listen to "Devil music" and like it too.

I'm downloading about 600Mbs of their older material, which is extremely rare and no longer available in this country . It should be a great addition to my old skool grindcore collection alongside Napalm Death and Terrorizer. Long live grindcore !!

And while we're on the subject of music, I highly recommend Lifehouse's self titled new album. Very sweet. I like how Lifehouse can be melancholic without being over indulgent. The material in this new album is a definite improvement. I highly recommend it to anyone who can appreciate slow to midtempo alternative sounds.

In another piece of good news, a very good friend of mine quit his boring government job and is going to open a restaurant. He was here just now to discuss advertising his new place at my brother's radio station. We also talked about things like the wine list (yay !) and ambient music. Great news, he promised to not play any hip-hop, rap or feng tau (rave) music. It's going to be trip hop and alt all the way. You see in Kuching, if you own a hang out place it's easy to stand out. Just don't play techno.

You know, one of those things I can't understand is why people play techno music loudly in otherwise nice places. I've heard loud, inapproriate techno in places like Bing ! and Memories cafe. It just kills the atmosphere. For that matter, I don't understand Kuchingites fascination with feng tau and techno. Just sit by a traffic light and listen to waht people are playing in their cars. What's up with that ?

Alright, I understand and accept that some people enjoy it but to expect everyone to enjoy it is just asking for too much. Especially from me. I mean, what the hell happened to variety ?

Oops, I may have digressed there a bit.

Whatever the choice of background music, I will bring all my friends there once it opens on the 13th of May (which is a Friday apparently). Hopefully, it'll be cool. Heck, with my bunch of friends, we'll MAKE it cool. We can have bloggers' meetups there !

I like the idea that some of my friends are doing business like this. It's great. They can count on my support that's for sure.

Ok then, excuse me while I listen to Lifehouse and play Vampire the Masquerade. Have a good evening.

Listening to Blind Lifehouse Lifehouse

Edit: Oh dear, that Lifehouse album isn't supposed to come out until the 22nd of this month. Wow...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Good Advice

It's been a whirlwind few days. In a good way.

And today, I did some mundane things like doing my car insurance. Next week, I will be broke. Today, I'm going to sit at home and chill out the rest of the night. I'm tired. Also in a good way.

Another thing. I'm out of ideas again. I've been very talkative the last few days. So what to say today ?

Gee, my head is empty. I guess I'm all talked out. I never thought that this could happen. Imagine me speechless.

Today, I got speechless more than once.

There was a cry for help today. I hope what I said did help. That's the problem with helping sometimes. There is always a worry in the back of my head, that maybe some things that we say that might ring hollow and make things worse.

I should know how that feels like. There were times that I needed help and all I hear is the hollow ringing of empty promises and false hopes. It doesn't make it better.

The best way to help is to listen and not judge. Sometimes, that's good enough.

A friend of mine, she gave me some really good advice. No, she didn't say that things will get better and that everything will be okay. She doesn't know that, so she doesn't say that.

She simply said, never feel bad about asking for help when you need it. Never apologize or worry about what you have to do to help yourself.

That's some pretty good advice.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


How tardy !

First, I get really blabbery with the blog postage and suddenly now that I'm not at work, I don't have time to post.

I haven't even mailed people yet and it's been more than 72 hours (I think).

I am feeling very much better. The gloom is gone, the suicidal thoughts are gone, my appetite for food is coming back. I remember Sunday night, when I just couldn't stop eating. I even ate the cafetaria's unsavoury, almost inedible fare and rather enjoyed it. If anyone's ever been to the factory's cafe, they would know what I mean.

I had an excellent day today hanging out with Raven, Rin, Syuk & Nick at The Great Kitchen all the way to nearly 3 in the morning. As usual, we had our usual, rather bizarre meandering conversation regarding lots of things like films, books, games, people (always a good topic...), foreign languages and the classic reminiscing of the good old days of school.

It just occurred to me that we have never had what can be considered as a "serious" discussion. Just as well. Serious is boring. I'm sure we're capable of such, but with our luck it'll degenerate into another round of weirdness.

I feel quite good nowadays. And I feel nervous about it at the same time.

I suddenly find myself being morbidly curious how long this will last and how long before I become Mr. Melancholy O Woe is Me again. It's part of my personality matrix. Hard coded. Cannot be removed. It'll come back. But how intense would it be ? And about what ?

My dangerously paranoid self can be err.....dangerously paranoid you know ?

But life will continue relentlessly and it'll happen when it happens. It's like durian season like that. Comes and goes. So, I think I'm in the "goes" part right now.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be writing something else today. I can't decide whether I want to write about films, games or spoilers. Or maybe I should write about games that get turned into movies (that mostly suck) and since I've played many games that are movies, I know all the spoilers.

It doesn't bother me at all. I know some people get very militant and inapproriately violent about spoilers. Not me though.

I haven't watched Sepet yet. I know something drastic happens to one of the leads. I still plan to watch it over the weekend.

Knowing the flow of a film beforehand doesn't necessarily spoil it for me. I know the ending and the middle and the beginning but for me, there's so much more to films than just the story.

How is the film shot ? How's the special effects, if any ? What's the script like ? How's the acting ? What's the flow of the movie like ? If it's a period piece, how authentic are the props and how true to history or literature is it ? What other stuff should I look out for ? Pop culture references ? Obscure bits of trivia ? Ballistics ? Film stock ? Soundtrack ?

Lots of things to look out for.

Spoilers don't spoil it for me. Of course, it's nicer if I didn't know. But it's not that big a deal. If it was, then I wouldn't have bothered with Angel Season 5 and Buffy Season 7 . I read the transcripts long before I watched Buffy Season 7 and before each Angel episode.

What I'm saying is if people want to talk about a movie I haven't watched, go ahead. I don't mind at all.

Might actually help me decide whether I should go and watch at the cinema or just wait for the DVD.

Have a good week all.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Aces High

Postus prolificus continues.... This is a very rare burst from me. Enjoy it while stocks last.

My head is awash with stuff that I absolutely HAVE to write about. Must clear the clutter.

I read some interesting opinions and editorials just now in some local papers. Columns like this one about Nur Amalina and other aces in the last SPM (our local O level/SAT equivalent).

For some background, Nur Amalina is the top ace from the last round of public examinations held last year. She scored 17 A1s (straight A for seventeen papers), which is the absolute best result possible. Most kids (like myself) usually take between 8 to 10 papers.

First of all, congratulations to her. Her parents must be so proud right now. Secondly, her friends are right. She is nuts. But she did it anyway and did well.

And thirdly, once the whole houha settles down, we should leave her alone to do whatever that she wants.

From what I gather from all the stuff in the papers lately, I'm pleased to note that she's just a normal, well adjusted kid and not some dorky freak or some kind of scary religious person. I'm secretly pleased that she admits to doing stuff like watching tv, listening to music and hanging out at malls.

I'm pleased because she's proven a lot of people wrong about kids. Kids can be "normal" and exposed to the outside world and NOT end up on skid row or dead or in some gang or become delinquents. Kids can be regular and do kid stuff like hang out and read trashy entertainment magazines and still do well. Despite all the horror stories told by some of our out of touch, air headed, dumbass politicians, there is still hope for our kids yet.

I detest how some people in the government try to either blame youth for all the country's troubles or try limit their freedom of choice and movement "for their own good". Remember the so-called "Anti Lepak" (anti loafing) campaign a few years back ?

Way to go government ! What better way to get our kids to respect the law and the police by having cops bust their asses for going to KFC on Saturday morning. Many years ago, I remember I was at the KFC at KP when a whole squad of cops busted in and hustled all the kids under 18 into waiting vans.

I think 18 kids were busted that day just because they were hanging out at the mall. Guess how many of them still hate cops now ?

Crazy right ? Instead of asking the cops to bust criminals and make our city safe, they make them go after children instead.

Happily, they stopped doing that when someone realised that this would only demonise our kids and make it impossible to recruit new cops, among other things.

I forgot who's f**ked up idea that was.

I'm digressing here. Today I don't really want to discuss the government and the crazy things that they do.

Anyway, aces yes.

I agree with that article, leave Nur Amalina alone. Be happy for her, give her that well deserved scholarship (DBKL has made a pledge, good for them), let her study in Ireland and not make her or her choice of place of study into some political issue.

Incidentally, the politicising has started already. Some dumbass asked a question about why the PM commented that she is now able to get into any FOREIGN university or college since she aced her SPM. Why foreign ? Why not make her study at a local U ?

Well, let's see... Where is better for an ace to get a degree, UITM or Oxford ? USM or MIT ? UPM or Yale ? UM or Edinburgh ? I don't get why people get so worked up over this.

Our local Us don't suck as badly as some people make it out to be. I came out of UTM and I turned out okay. But to insist that USM, UM etc is on par with Harvard or Oxford is insanity.

These places are world reknowned for quality and tradition of excellence. We should be proud that we have people who can get in there. We should be proud instead of questioning the patriotism of students who seek to enter such institutions.

Ok I'm digressing again.

Anyway, yes Nur Amalina and her friends. Give them presents, shake their hands and give them free notebook (better make sure it's NOT an Acer one) and scholarship.

When all that is done, wish them well and leave them alone. They have their whole lives in front of them. They don't need people butting in.

Perhaps in the future, they'll make us proud again.

First Rays of the Rising Sun

My oh my. I seem to be quite prolific with the blogging these few days. I haven't posted this early in the morning in quite a long time now have I ?

I'm still at work. I'll be leaving here in 51 minutes.

I just stepped outside for a smoke just now. The sun is just at the horizon. Thick cloud cover this morning. But I must say, I like the color of the sky this time of the morning. A little off-black. Some blue. Nice.

I'll be working again tonight. I can't wait for Monday morning. I can't believe I can't wait for Monday morning.

And, I just survived an entire night of listening to Lite & Easy FM. That's right. Twelve hours of love songs and sappy music. I actually enjoyed them. Like the song playing right now, Save the Best for Last by Vanessa Williams.

A mere two weeks ago, a mere three love songs in a row would've set of another melancholy attack. Woe woe, how lonely and unloved am I. Woe woe, how hopeless am I for being incapable of starting a relationship that actually works. Woe woe, how sad and depressed am I for my life is nowhere near where I want it to be. Woe woe woe.

It's nice to entertain the hope that maybe, just maybe, I have turned a corner.

It's not that those things have left me completely. Some woe is still there. Get real, I still feel slightly incomplete and dissatisfied. My life this week is better, but still not puppy dogs and honey yet.

And get real, it probably never will. I guess the important thing is to know that probably, no one's life will ever be absolutely perfect.

Uh oh. I'm not making much sense. I'm trying to be philosophical here and I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.

Anyway, I have a thought about falling in love. Who hasn't received advise about keeping it cool and level headed when falling in love ? Sound advise but practical ? Hardly.

By nature falling in love involves healthy doses of insanity. It's not a science after all. How can it be when you consider how irrational one gets when Under the Spell. Ok, one may argue that the feelings and emotions that erupt when it happens actually IS scientifically explained.

Personally, I don't think that chemicals and hormones explain everything. It explains a lot. But not everything.

I don't have any evidence to back that up. Just gut instinct and my own experiences.

Seriously though, I think hard and I've never met any single person who has fallen in love and NOT acted bizarrely.

I just hope that the next time this happens to me, I'll remember this. Perhaps, only then can I prevent myself from getting all worked up and irrational like I do.

But somehow, I think not. Cest la vie I guess.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Old Songs

I hate Lite & Easy ! Actually no, I like that radio station. It serves prodigious amounts of cheese and corny mush. Or is it mushy corn ?

Old songs are so good aren't they ? They could be really annoyingly poppy and bubble gummy, or in the case of 80's music, unbelievably tacky, and still sound so good.

It's the memories I tell you. The songs themselves may not be much. But their value is in the memories they stir up.

I was just listening to Madonna's Live to Tell. Now, I'm not a huge fan of Madonna. But I do like a lot of her earlier stuff all the way up till the True Blue album. Everyone knows that one. At least they should. It's got songs like Open Your Heart and Papa Don't Preach in it.

Ahh, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a surge of nostalgia. Anyway, memories. Old songs nearly always sound better because of them.

I was in secondary school when that Madonna song first got air time. Boy that was a long time ago. That was before I discovered metal. I had these huge glasses and did not wear jeans. Life was so simple then and yet not quite as good as it is now. It was a time of innocence and terrible confusion simultaneously.

Kids can be cruel. But that's not what I want to think about today.

I recall a chat I had with a friend two months ago (I think) about the soundtracks of our life. Yep, soundtracks as in plural. More than one.

I remember reading many blog entries about songs than mean a lot to people and one or two entries had a playlist of what you might call a soundtrack of a person's life.

I can't have just one soundtrack. Neither can my friend. I would probably have a few cds worth of songs broken down by time period, like the College Years' OST or the early 90s soundtrack.

In fact, one of these days, I might actually compile something and put it here for everyone to see. If I'm not feeling lazy anyway.

Life is like a movie sometimes. And good movies have good music in the background.

I'm obviously bored.

And talking about good movies, this evening Rin messaged me about Sepet playing at Star Cineplex. I've been waiting for that movie to show eversince it came out. Unfortunately I have to work this weekend.

That sucks.

Edit: One of the most significant bunch of songs I ever heard was Jon Bon Jovi's Young Guns II OST. That album came out in 1990 and that was the final year of school. Every song in that album meant something, especially Dying Ain't Much of a Living, Santa Fe and Miracle.

Stick To Your Guns is another Bon Jovi song that is very important to me....

"So you want to be a cowboy
Well you know it's more that just a ride
Guess you got to know the real thing
If you want to know the other side
Ain't nobody riding shotgun
In this world tonight

And when you spit, you better mean it
You got to make 'em all believe it
If you're gonna be the one

Stick to your guns
Ain't nobody's gonna hurt you, baby
You can go for the trigger
But only if you have to

Aim from the heart
Some will love and some will curse you, baby
And you can go to war
But only if you have to

It's only if you have to"

Stick To Your Guns Bon Jovi New Jersey

Friday, March 11, 2005

The Urge To Write

Today is one of those days where there's nothing happening with me or the outside world that's worth noting, and yet somehow I itch to write something here. Anything at all. Right about now, I might consider writing about weather.

I've been getting these urges more and more. I'd be driving or shooting terrorists while playing Counterstrike Zero and something would grab my attention, making me think,"Hey, I could write about that". Of course I put it off and later I forget about it. I really could use a PDA or a notebook (the paper one not the portable computer one, although that would be nice too)

And to think, during the early days of blogging I found it a real chore.

It's true what they say, you know. The more one writes, the easier it gets. It's true, I can vouch for that.

It's quite therapeutic too. I sometimes do imagine what I would be like if I wasn't blogging. We'll never know for sure, but I know that I'll be worse off. That's for sure.

The black cloud of so-called depression that's been bothering me the last few months is apparently lifting. I sent mail to someone last night and I mentioned the fact that this was probably nothing more than relapse.

It's happened before. And it used to be a lot worse.

I'm glad this time around, I knew what it was and did what was needed instead of fluttering about not knowing what to think.

It's not pleasant. I write and talk about it and it makes me cringe.

In other news, Blogger has been rather annoying these two days. Yesterday, I couldn't post when I wanted to and today I couldn't leave comments on blogs that use Blogger's built in comment function. And just as I had some really important things to say too.

There's this blogger friend of mine who's having a tricky relationship situation. I feel compelled to say helpful things to her. But I don't really worry too much, she's bright and she's not alone in dealing with it. She has many good friends.

However I do wonder if she'll ever needs to see things from a male perspective sometimes. That's very helpful actually. The opposite sex often sees things that our same gender friends fail to see. I would really like to help and I would if she asks.

Men & women, so similar and yet so different.

Ok back to work now.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Good Thoughts

Originally, I had wanted to continue writing after the previous post. Somehow, I think that splitting up today's posting into two parts would make more sense.

And talking about the Photo and RPG meetups on Wednesday and Monday nights, there were so many stories I could tell. So so many. And many, many ribald jokes about errr....many "things". I'm lucky like that. I have great, cool, interesting friends.

And I have pictures. But Photojerk still doesn't work.

And so, this second post is my own introspective monologue about how things are going and how is it when compared to last week and the weeks before.

Few things I have noted.

One, if stranger read this blog regularly and met me in real life later, they would probably agree that the real life person and the person writing here are nothing like each other. This blog paints a picture of me, but it is not a complete picture by any means.

Two, I work better in a group of people than I would one on one (sometimes). This part I'm not very sure. It's ok if I were to go out one on one with someone I know and am familiar with. But I'm less sure if I were to go out on, let say, a blind date where the other person is a TOTAL stranger. And what if I go out with someone I'm attracted to ? Can you say, impending disaster ? In my case so far, attraction is the spice of doom that brings potentially catastrophic results. Doesn't even have to be major, a slight attraction is enough for me to trip myself up.

I don't understand that part.

But I do realize that a person is always the same person in front of everyone. Is that true with other people too ?

In some circles, I am a wallflower. I don't say anything at all. Some people (like many of my distant relatives) have commented that I'm either aloof or not very sociable. I don't know why, but I feel ackward with them and I can't relate to what they talk about. There's some kind of mental barrier there.

In other circles, I'm an obnoxious blabbermouth and can even be ocassionally funny, as can be witnessed during the meetups. I felt great and comfortable. It's probably because some of my friends are there. In social circles, I'm the type who needs someone else to play off for me to feel like I belong in a group.

In a bunch of people I don't know, that depends on the setting. I didn't know anyone during the first bloggers meet that I went to but I think I did fine. It's probably because everyone had a common interest and there was something to break the ice with.

And I'm thinking, I can be a different person in all these different settings, so who is really me ? I don't know. But I do know which person I want to be.

I want to be like I was during this week. I think I like that version of me more than the terminally depressed, moping over [insert name of girl here] me. I would also like it very much if my blog could be more like I was during the meetups too. But alas, it is my emotional dumping ground, so looks like some of the emotional drivel will return from time to time....

I have found part of the cure to my problems. I need to meet and hang out with people, friends and strangers. I need to stop believing in all the "Mac is socially inept because he can't mix with [insert name of bunch of people] here" and the "Mac is socially inept because he can't pick up girls within 30 seconds of meeting them" crap.

[Having said that, picking up girls within 30 seconds of meeting them is a skill that I most definitely would like to have. Do they have manuals for things like that ?].

All this thoughts are poison put in there by "well meaning" relatives and jealous loser classmates from school and college.

People can't be consistent with everyone and I may not be able to mix with everyone. I realize that not everyone will like me or think that my jokes are funny (that's usually because they don't get it but that story is for some other time when I'm more angry). I realize that I may be too dorky/nerdy/uncool/ugly/short/poor/plain/etc for some people.

And so what ? I have proven to myself that I have my own niche and my own circle. I have a nice circle of friends and social acquiantances.

Instead of reminding myself about what some f**ker said back in Form Five, this is what I should remind myself of.

And this is what I should remember.

Photo Meet

Bloody Photojerk isn't working right now. It won't upload any photos. It's annoying when things don't work as they should.

They are pictures that I want to post.

Talking about things not working like they should, I called the Telekom Helpdesk this morning to report my DSL non connection problem. It turns out that my account has been disabled. Apparently, my dad forgot to go and pay this month's bill.

That's a relief actually. I was more worried about technical problems. I should be able to get back online at the house in one or two days.

I had another really good day again yesterday, for it was the inaugural Photography Meetup Group. By the way, whoever is behind the idea of is a genius. It's the best idea ever.

What a gathering it was. The weather was bad, so people starting filtering in at Coffee Bean a little behind schedule. But once they started arriving, they couldn't stop. More and more people came.

In the end I think they were 17 people there. I was meeting half of them for the very first time. Good to see new faces. We were a boisterous, energetic crowd. Which is the kind way of saying loud and rowdy. But no matter, it was great fun.

There were introductions, greetings from old friends, the oogling at cameras and jokes galore. And there was sugar and coffee, which may have contributed to our rowdiness. There were conversations about many things, including photo taking and equipment (hey, we had to at least try and stay on topic right ?)

I met a bunch of interesting, new people yesterday. I hope I can see them again, in whatever situation. One of them was very nice, she told me that she'd seen me before and asked me whether I'm in the film industry (!!)., I said. But you look very, very familiar, I continued.

Of all the many things I've heard, no one's ever thought that I was in film because of the way I looked. That was flattering. I enjoyed that. I never really said thank you to her. How rude of me.

Anyway, I swear I've met her before. So we went and talked about all the things that we've done in the past. Apparently, we've never met and never crossed paths.

But I swear, we've met before. She agrees with me. Maybe it's a past life thing.

The night wore on. We ordered more coffee and food and the conversations became more bizarre as we got more and more comfortable.

If only I had a webcam and a notebook, I would've broadcast the gathering over the internet. It was THAT good.

Next, there is a Book Club meetup in two weeks. I haven't read any good books recently so I'm not sure whether I should join. Maybe I can crash as a guest ? There might be more people there I haven't met and there are some people there whom I have met but haven't really gotten to know. Should be an interesting bunch of people. Best Idea Ever.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Not Easy

This demon slaying is not easy is it ? I think some kind of superpower is needed. Or a Slayer. I cross my fingers one day she will rescue me....

I'm alright today. Not brilliant-everything-is-perfect but alright.

I messaged someone today. She didn't message me back. I don't know why, but I took that somewhat poorly. Which is a double standard since I sometimes do this too. But only if I notice the message too late. Sorry about that I know that's rude, except when I'm out of phone credit.

I had anticipated this levelling of the good mood from yesterday. I would be a really big fool if I were to think it was that easy to fix yourself. Surely it would take longer than 24 hours.

I know that it's going to be a long, hard ride.

The good news today is that I kept the negative paranoia to a barest minimum. That's a start right ?

I believe that if I could unlearn the automatic self criticism I would solve 50% of the current issues that I'm having.

I went out to my usual watering place. I saw my ex there with a guy friend. She looked really pleased. I hope she's okay. I haven't called or talked to her in ages. Is that a good thing ?

I want to actually.

In other self involved news, my brother bought Counterstrike : Condition Zero and set it up to play on my PC. He played online and there was NO lag at all. It's cool. More shooty goodness. Only this time, I'm shooting other real people.

I need that right now. And to be politically correct, I always play counter terorrist. I hope that the real counter terror people out there are better shots than me though.

I bought DVDs yesterday and today I watched The Girl Next Door starring Elisha Cuthbert of 24 fame. I like this movie. It's a good old fashion high school movie. It's also a love story with a happy ending which made me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

Happy endings. I have a good idea of what kind of happy ending that I want. Truth is, no one is ever guaranteed one of those I see. Real life being cruel as it is, is quite arbitrary when it comes to things like this isn't it ?

But I do wish it. I read somewhere while doing my depression research, one of those things that caused depression is giving up on hope. Give up on hope and dull the pain and start sliding down the tube of depression, so the article says.

Giving up on hope is supposed to shield a person from pain because deferred hope hurts and hoping in vain hurts even more. So no hope no hurt. Apparently it doesn't work that way.

Hope, true or false gives a person something to look forward to. Something to shoot for. Hope like that gives a broken spirit a lift, or so it says.

I'm guilty of such. Giving up and not caring is supposed to make things better. Instead, that was the trigger.

I want to hope that one day the good things that happen will happen here to. But it's frightening. What if it was never meant to be ? What if I'm not listed in the happy endings shortlist.

Yes I realised I sound stupid and melodramatic. Trust me when I say I would rather not be. I would rather discuss ammunition mechanics of the Counterstrike game engine.

And so according to that article I read, in order to climb out of depression I need to face up to my fears again and dare to hope no matter how far fetched it seems to my cynical, negative mind.


What do you think ? Entertaining hope that might be nothing but a pipe dream. Good move or not ?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Cry Wolf

Boy. I took so many photos today, I couldn't decide which ones I want to put up. So, I've decided to put them all up, gradually.

Today was a very very good day. In fact, today was one of the best days I've ever had.

Picture the situation. You have a car. It's been making funny noises. You get annoyed so one day you decide,"Ok, tomorrow I'm going to get it fixed". But....

....on the day itself, you start your car up and lo and behold, the noise is gone. So you wait and wait. No noise the whole day.

Today was one of those days. I woke up. I did my usual lounging around. I played my games. Not once did I feel any negative feelings at all.

I didn't feel bad at all today. Not even a twinge. It was great.

And now I feel silly for raising all the houha about being sad. Having said that, I would be keeping myself under surveilance for the next few days, see whether this is just today or am I really clearing up.

If I am clearing up, it would be great. No medication needed. I had the best time driving about and listening to Greenday in the car the whole afternoon. It was actually fun.

Also the next thing I realize is that the next time I feel down, I should make the effort, rise above the depression induced lethargy, pick up my tiny cell phone and CALL MY FRIENDS. It's really that simple, since I actually have a lot of friends in many different groups.

Not to confide or to whine, just to hang out. Like today. Today was our first RPG (Role Playing Games NOT Rocket Propelled Grenade) fans meet up at Coffee Bean. It was great seeing everyone again, especially those people whom I've not seen in ages.

It was so much fun. We even stayed on topic for a whole twenty minutes ! One of my friends even took the trouble to bring handbooks and RPG paraphernalia like dice !

As usual with our gatherings, the topics meandered in and out of scope. But that's the beauty of it.

Anyway, back to being a shepherd boy and crying wolf.

I recall advice I heard from a colleague many moons ago. During times of depression, you shouldn't be alone. I forgot that.

I should go out more and meet more people. It's not so complicated after all.

So I write this down and hope I don't forget it. I have many friends. I don't have to be alone. I have issues, sure. I have doubts about life and where am I headed and bla bla bla. But I don't have to cut the whole world off because of that.

I should quit the paranoid thinking and stop assuming that I'm some kind of burden to people. If I was, then why are my friends still my friends ? I wrack my brain and I can recall only ONE person who said that I was a burden. Actually, if I was troublesome and annoying, I hope my friends would tell me. I want to know.

Yes, that is also a big issue. Paranoia and negative thinking. It's a bad habit acquired from childhood. I should stop that. It can't possibly be true. Tough habit to break, even now as I write this paragraph my mind is wondering whether I'm being too presumptious.

Also, I should learn to be straight with myself and ask for help when I need it. If I need to whine and bitch and moan about everything, I should look for someone and not disappear into my room.

I'll post more about our gatherings next time. I've got another gathering on Wednesday to attend. It should be another good one and I hope we can do this regularly.

This is not over by a long shot. I will get depressed again. The difference is now I might have a counter for it. We'll see how this works.

And to all those people who were concerned about my last few posts, all I can say now is....

.....ooops. Sorry about that. My bad.

We'll see how this goes. I know the demon's name and the demon's face now. Let's see how fast I kill it.


Arrgh ! I trying SO hard right now to NOT post the following picture on the RPG meet up site. Dammit. I'm so evil sometimes.

Seriously, I like this picture. I admit, I play too many shooty games. Maybe I need to see a doctor about THIS instead.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Struggle Within

Ever since I posted the last two posts I've been torn between feeling absolutely fine, pulling both posts off the blog and deleting the entire blog out of shame.

I got really agitated by what people might be thinking.

Since it's making me this uncomfortable, I must be doing something right. I think I'm on to something here.

As can be expected, I did a lot of thinking today about what may be causing my bouts of depression. I got theories ranging between the classic unresolved personal issues, to inherited character flaw to cyclic serotonin depletion. Just now I even went outside to see the moon, just in case it was full. No, it's not the moon. It's not a full moon out right now.

On Monday, I'm going to see the doc for some advice and maybe some meds to help out. Other than that, I have no idea what I should do. I'm hoping I don't need to get a therapist. That would cost a lot.

I went and did more research on the Net. I know that in many cases, depression cannot be fully cured. I'm okay with that. I don't need to be 100% fine. I'll settle for 75%. As long as I'm fine 75% of the time, I'm okay with that.

I'm curious how long this is going to take.

Everything's quite blurry right now. I have thoughts in my head and I'm not sure which ones are real and which ones are not. I have some really negative thoughts that I'm trying not to entertain. Thoughts about how people would avoid and laugh at me if they found out that I'm contemplating outside help.

I shouldn't think that way. But the paranoia is still there.

Tell you what. If they are people who want to avoid me, that's fine. If they want to laugh and jeer and make snide remarks, fine. Go ahead and make fun of the potential mental patient.

I really don't have time to worry about that now. If they are people who want to judge and point fingers instead of helping, go ahead. I don't care anymore. It's wondering about what everyone might be thinking that's making this worse, now that I think about it.

Next week starting Monday, I'll be rather busy actually. I have two meet ups to go to, a PC to fix, some computer parts to buy, a doc to see, car insurance/road tax matters to settle and other things. Also a friend of mine is coming back to Kuching on Wednesday. She wants to chat. Meeting up with her will be such a great relief.

In a way, being busy like this is good. It keeps my mind off itself.

Hope everyone else will have a great week too.

Currently Listening to Play it by Ear Summercamp Buffy Unofficial OST

Saturday, March 05, 2005


Something unprecedented just happened. Just now I pulled a post a few hours after I posted it. No one saw it. At least, no one I know.

Some things are extremely raw and quite personal. Some things need to be kept out of the public forum.

But then I felt bad. I violated a principle and I felt as if by doing that, I'm not being responsible. And so I'm posting it again, albeit in less detail.

I went on a big Internet hunt after posting the Self Destruction post. I have concluded that the melancholy I go through cannot be normal, considering how persistent and how overwhelming it can get. And not to mention that I remember feeling this way ever since childhood. And not to mention how I can be upset suddenly, without any reason or provocation.

I found a checklist that checks if you have depression. I filled it. It said I suffer from symptoms of severe depression.

I couldn't believe that. So I found a different one. I did that one and ditto.

And then I started reading. Articles and other things about it. What is depression and what sets it of. What makes it worse and what determines its longevity. How severe is severe and what are the implications. What can be done to make it go away.

Some of the stuff I read was just plain eerie for the fact that it describes EXACTLY what I'm feeling and thinking.

The likelihood is very great that I might have depression.

Now that I know what kind of demon I'm fighting, I feel a little less helpless. Paradoxically knowing what might be wrong with me is actually making me feel better.

I need to go and think now about what I have to do. What do I do ? Do I seek professional assistance ? I don't know what to do.

I hope that I might be able to put this in the ground once and for all. I really hope so. I hope I have what it takes to beat it.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Self Destruction

First thing first, I would like everyone to read this post. It's very nice. I want to write and comment, but all the words are already there. So please read.

Last night, after posting I went and reread some of the older stuff I've written before. Like yesterday's rather crap sounding post. And the many even crappier ones before that. I ask myself, "What do people see when they read what I write ?"

I would like to think that it doesn't matter. And it didn't at first. This blog's purpose was never to solicit readers in the first place. It was just there as a place to spill and write randomly.

As it turns out, in time people did come and read. A good number of people too. Many left messages and comments and a few even sent mail.

In time I've gotten to know some of these people, many of whom have blogs of their own. I may never have met them in person, but there are real enough to me. And since I know them, what they say and how they think of of me matters quite a bit.

I care about what my friends think. I worry that I may lose them because of what I say. I worry that the reason that some people are reluctant to form friendships with me is because of the image that I project from this blog.

But that's not important and not what this post is about today.

Is it funny ? It's a trend with me apparently. Whenever I do something just for the hell of it, the result is always good and it often works out just fine (in the case of blogging, better than I would have dared expected). But whenever I do something and wanting that it would work out, often it doesn't.

I wrote about this same thing many months ago. I wonder, why is it so ? Does me prioritising and caring guarantee failures and that in order to do well I must not take it seriously ? Call it crazy, but it seems like that.

I'm having a suddenly realisation. Self-sabotage is devastating and unstoppable, especially because you can't see it coming.

A friend sent me mail a long while ago with regard to problems with a certain attempt at courtship. In it she wrote,

"I have a couple theories on this I'll throw at you...
1) You really have a masochistic, self-destructive streak and only
want the forbidden fruit, in which case you're gonna need to delve
into that, because it's obviously not serving you. At the very least,
it ain't getting you laid.


2) Deep down, you don't believe yourself worthy of these quality
women, and so you have a mental block toward them (i.e., no feelings
at all for), and go after ones you know you will never get,
guaranteeing your prophecy (of not being good enough to get the girl)
is self-fulfilled. Self-sabotage is a wily and robust demon that we
all have to face sooner or later. And if that's the case, you're
going to have to delve into that self-esteem stuff, too, because it
isn't serving you either."

Both points speak of one common thing. Self sabotage. Self fulfiling prophecy. Spookily enough, she's not the first person to suggest something like this to me.

I must recognise the possibility that part of my problem may be that I mess myself up unconsciously. Perhaps I have been too comfortable in the hapless victim's role for far too long. And not just relationship either. Perhaps I have a self destruct button which I perversely like to fiddle with for reasons that are beyond me right now.

The question again becomes, how do I get out of here ? Is there a way around or out of it ?

And I would really like to know in case this was the truth, where did I get this from ? And how come nobody else in my house has it. Is it genetic ? Did I inherit it ? Is it an acquired flaw ? Is it a product of my environment ? Why is there a bomb in my package ?

Self sabotage is a character flaw isn't it ? Sometimes, I wish I paid more attention in Psyche class while in college.

I would like to beat this, if it's there. I don't know if I could. I might need some help here.

And to end, this post is for everyone that is depressed or have ever been depressed. Sometimes you have to stop blaming the world and fate and start looking inside. Perhaps the key is somewhere there ?

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Older And Far Away Pt 2

I'm so careless and absent minded.

I thought I left my camera USB cable at the office, since I can't find it anywhere at home. Well just now as I was sorting through my clothes, I found the damned cable with together with my socks. I must've put it there and forgotten about it.

I'm getting old.

And yes, I am. I'm going to be 32 this year. Damn scary, man. I know that it shouldn't be but damn scary it still is.

When my dad was 32, I was 11 years old. Me at 32, occasionally still acts as though I'm still 11. There's a vast difference between my life and the lives of my parents as you can see.

They don't say it and I never ask. But I know they wonder what the hell is going to become of me. At a time when other people's kids are buying property and getting settled down and having babies, I'm still like this.

I thought about it, and I think I'm about 8 years behind schedule when compared to other "normal" people. The price of squandering your youth by being inept and unsure of yourself is high, as can be seen.

By no means am I alone. A lot of my friends are in the same place as me, although most of them are younger.

I won't deny it. I worry sometimes. Also I kinda feel sorry for my parents. I don't act like it but I do. I sometimes think about what goes through their minds when they see my former high school classmates with their stability and families and compare them to me.

I hope my brothers will do better. I hope they can be the normal kids that my parents probably want them to be. The good part is, I know they will do just fine. Neither of them suffer from my lack of self confidence and other hangups. One's a minor celeb and the other one's quite popular himself. They are both capable in their own rights so there's hope there.

Like it or not, some things will have to change because of the time factor. I have to come up with some new plans and forget about many of my old ones. It's hard to dump your dreams apparently, as I am finding it to be.

I didn't do this rethinking when I turned 30. I guess I better do it now. So now I think I should think about things, about my life, about where am I headed.

The part that sucks the most is the giving up part. I hate giving up. It makes me feel like I've just lost a bet or a game of chess.

But time is also a saviour and time won't let you stay in place, always dragging you along whether you want to go or not. And how rude of time. But with the dragging comes the moving on and the getting over of old experiences. Hopefully anyway.

Lots of things didn't happen when I was in my so-called prime. I made a lot of mistakes. I have some minor regrets but I hope all the things that I went through then will be worth it in the future. It has to be.

It would be grossly unfair if everything I did was all for nothing in the end and I would end up old, alone and forgotten.

And so, here's to hoping.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Stuck Up People

You know the friend I've been talking about the last coupla posts ? I bumped into her husband last night while out drinking with my cousin and his girlfriend.

What a coincidence. I didn't recognize him at first. He had a this goateed look going.

He told me that she's not in town until the 11th. She's in Sabah apparently.

Last night was a good one, except that the place I went to was packed to the rafters and we had to shout a lot over the music and the crowd. We had vodka. Anytime is a good time for vodka. I got really buzzed.

We had good conversation too. Some of which can be printed here unfortunately. Nothing too interesting though. Just business talk and some news about some friends.

There is one thing though. Many many months ago I got introduced to someone by a friend. We didn't get along very well. Last night, I found out why.

I had a suspicion that the bitch was stuck up, and boy was I right. She didn't like me much because I hang out at, how shall we say.... low class places.

Ok, I understand that people have preferences and some places aren't cool enough for some people for whatever reason. That's fine. There are some clubs in town that I wouldn't even drive past, never mind patronize.

But to reject someone just because he goes to a certain kind of place is just plain, baseless, shallow snobbiness. It's stupid.

And all this coming from someone who's supposedly well educated. Goes to prove my point that one can be educated and stupid at the same time.

Apparently, she felt that she had to maintain a certain "class" by patronizing certain places, associating with certain "people" and probably looking a certain way. It's unbelievable. And she's just a nobody.

She hasn't done anything worthy of mention. She's not a celebrity or famous or accomplished or anything like that. She's just a regular. Just like me.

And yet, somehow she thinks she's better than me. I'll say it right now, I'm BETTER THAN HER because I'm not stuck up. And I'll never be.

I could earn a million bucks a week, live in a 10 room mansion and drive a Diablo and nothing will change. I'll still keep the same friends and hang out at the same places. I'll still visit Florence and buy cheese burgers at that burger stall behind the bus stand at Jalan Kulas. I'll still blog and play my computer games.

Of course, I'll probably be busier and some of my activities will change. But there will be no change inside. I used to be dirt poor and I was the same guy. Now, I'm quite well off. And yes, I'm still the same guy. Mostly anyway. Things have improved and so far, I haven't woken up and thought that I was somehow too good for my current bunch of friends.

Everyone has a right to pick and choose their company. I'm not questioning hers. It's just that I think that's she's picking and doing for all the wrong reasons. I don't like her methods. Most of all, I can't stand the implied "superiority". To me, she hasn't done a thing to merit her snottiness.

I try to understand though. Maybe her reasons sound good to her. Whatever right ? Go and pick your friends by what they earn, what they drive, what club they go to and which college they went to.

Just don't expect me to respect you for that. Remember, your blood is still the same colour as mine.

I don't really care that we didn't hit it off well. She doesn't mean that much to me anyway.

In other news, I got a really nice phone call from another friend just now. She told me that she liked something I wrote and that she was sorry about my dog. Man, I simply cannot describe how flattered I am by that.

I know you're reading this. Thank you and when you're in town please call me and I'll buy you another drink at Seattle. Or we can have lunch/dinner/food of some kind. Whatever you want.

It's a milestone of sorts. No one's ever mentioned liking what I've written here by calling me on the phone from another state.

In yet more news, I'm currently enjoying my latest musical discovery. Seether ! For all you mood metal hardcore fans out there, check out their album Disclaimer II. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Currently Listening to Pride Seether Disclaimer II

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Nasty Thoughts

What a waste of a perfectly good day.

I had so many plans too. Instead, I woke up bright and early to discover that....

....I had a headache. I went back to sleep, only to wake up in the afternoon and discover that my headache was STILL THERE and had gotten WORSE. Dammit to hell ! So I didn't do anything. Not even guitar practise

Took my usual overdose of paracetamol and went back to sleep. Woke up again when my phone rang in the evening. I picked up and my mechanic friend announced that my dad's car was ready after four months of repair (apparently, later we discovered that the circuitry for the headlights were fried. High lights only....)

And still, the headache wasn't fully gone. I took shower and ate. And still it was there.

I hate it. I haven't had one of those daylong headaches in the longest time.

So there I was. 9.00 pm and hyperactive. The headache finally went.

I hung out with some friends, sent them home, went out to see Florence. I had a good time. But I'm still hyper and it's 2.oo am.

What do I do now ?

In other crap news, I just realized I left my camera USB cable at the office. So, no new pictures until Thursday night. Damn.

Some very nice people left comments on my last post. For that, I say thanks. It's nice to get feedback.

I actually have some more things to say about that friend of mine, which I mentioned in the last post. There was another thing that our friendship had that I never got in my other relations with women.

Sexual tension.

Some of our conversations were nothing but thinly veiled flirting. I'm amazed at the fact that nothing happened. Why ? Oh yeah right, when I was hanging out with her I was still a virgin.

What the hell does that have to do with anything ? Well, I was still kind of naive at that point and very knight-in-shining-armourly. So I would never have done anything extreme with her. I would never have had the guts to.

Now ? Let's just say that if she wanted me to, I would sleep with her in an instant. There's more of a story to this but that's a really long one.

I know that it might've actually ruined our friendship. Or just maybe, that might've just been the spark that was needed.

We talked about it. What if one of us were to make the move and take it to the next level ? More than just friends. We both decided that it would've been nice. And natural.

But still, nothing happened. We both waited and waited. Nothing. We were friends and just that. Now, I kick myself in the ass. Crazily enough, it's apparent to me that the One may have gotten away.

I deserve not to have it. If I was too scared and too blind, I deserve it. That's the price of indecision.

Am I the type of person who has no sense of ethics and would screw up a friendship by fucking a girl friend ? No I'm not. I wouldn't do it, not with anyone. Except her. It's wrong and the mere thought of it is wrong. Except with her.

It was different. It's difficult to explain. And is this just one twisted fantasy ? It would be if she never knew I felt like this. But she knew and she didn't mind. I told her.

I suddenly feel like I'm a bad person to think about having sexual relations with a friend. It feels wrong.

I feel like I know what to look for now. Unfortunately I also feel like the moment has past and that she was the one chance I should've taken. Serves me right.

Now I'm alone and bored and she's contented with husband and child. Or is she ?

One does wonder...... Okay that's an evil thought. I should just let it go.

Damn, I'm such a bad person.