Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Making Peace

Warning: Emotionally charged ranty post ahead.

I haven't had a deep conversation in real life since forever. All my deep thinking's been done here at the Mellow.

Until today that is. I went to a nice coffee place that is not Coffee Bean and I talked with a friend all afternoon. That was nice, if not I would've wasted the entire day at home watching DVDs and lying down.

I've known this friend since forever. In the past, we were never really familiar with each other. Back then, she was simply a different person. I guessed we both were.

We talked about music, life, movies, the Ladder Theory, our friends, her boyfriend.

I'm pleasantly surprised at her maturity. I sometimes forget people can grow. She's grown in a good way. She could've just as easily turned out to be a conservative, narrow minded person. But she didn't.

She mentioned that 75% of my blog posts have something to do with loneliness and my frustrations at not being able to find a girlfriend. While the actual percentage may be arguable (that's because I'm too lazy to actually do a statistical analysis), but yeah angst is a big part of my blogging. Or at least in the past year it was.

Errhh... I don't know what to write about actually. Or more accurately, I'm not entire sure how to phrase my thoughts right now. So bear with me, I might sound rather confused.

It's better now. The perpetual gloom that I was feeling is gone. For now.

Like I was saying to my friend just now, I know it'll come back. They'll be days that the deafening silence that I sometimes hear will return. They will be times when people are with their loved ones, I will find myself alone again. I know it will hurt. I know I will ask why. I know I will feel unworthy and lost. I know I will feel that I've failed somehow to fulfil a pressing need.

I know that it's normal for me to feel this way, whatever my naturally negative thinking will suggest.

I know I might fall again. When all these things return, I hope I can do what I need to alleviate it and make it hurt less.

If felt good to talk about the things that I blog about to a real person in real life. It's freeing somehow. It was good to know that she tried to understand.

What did I get from this afternoon ? Many things.

Life is not the same for everyone. Fair or not, it's not the question. Life is a card game and everyone gets different hands. And everyone plays the hand they're dealt with, fair or not.

I'm trying not to be bitter about plans gone awry and shattered dreams. I'm trying not to be sad about how things keep turning out differently from what I had planned.

The hand I play is not a royal flush. What can I do but keep playing ? It's not like I have the option to fold and stop playing. Actually, there is an option but that is an option too bleak to contemplate. I refuse to give up like that.

I'm trying hard not to compare myself with other people who have all the things that I want and who in my mind have achieved the happily-ever-after that I want so much. I want to stop asking why they can and I can't. But that's nearly impossible to do it seems.

My friend was talking about things regarding relationship and she told me that I should take it easy and not push it.

It's hard for me to hear that kind of talk. I want to push. I want what I want.

In the end, I have to make peace with the fact that some things are simply not meant to happen. Whether I can do that, is another completely different story.

I told my friend this:-

I'm not going to actively look for a relationship. As far as I'm concerned, I'm done with trying.

The only guaranteed outcome of my pushing is more pain, more regrets, more questions. It's clear that for this to happen, I need blind luck. I've proven it to myself more than once.

I accept that. Yes, one could argue that I should try harder, meet more people. The truth is, it hurts too damn much to fail again. I need, nay, I WANT one CLEAR shot. In my mind, I can only handle one more failed attempt at relationship. Only one more. Anymore than that I fear that the pain will push me over the edge.

Perhaps one day everything will be made clear to me and then maybe I will have some peace. Perhaps one day, I can stop wanting things that I can't have and be satisfied with the cards that I do have.

Current Music Undone Lifehouse Lifehouse

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