Thursday, April 28, 2005

Good Questions

All this evening, I tried to think of one of those introspective posts that I always like to write. I failed to think of anything. Not enough angst. I might need to go and really make that "Powered By Angst" sticker I posted about a few months back.

I guess, I'm not really into introspection lately. There are things that I want to write about, but these are mostly current issues stuff like the diesel problem and the MPs getting pissed off at NST issue (and they wonder why people find it hard to take MPs seriously, especially the really stupid ones). Which is always risky to write.

I mean, I could upset someone or misquote someone. How embarassing that would be ? I suppose I could do the research, but I'm at work and am too busy to do that.

Well, if I'm so busy what am I doing posting you ask ? I am formatting a hard disk, which takes time. That's why.

A batch of reconditioned Dell P3 866s arrived a few days ago. I like it when new hardware arrives. I would pick out one and rip it open to see what's inside. So, I was examining one of the P3s when I noticed something that is very, very rare nowadays.

256Mb RDRAM. Rambus man. They're like exotic now. I especially like how they come with heatsinks. Makes em look classy. I wish I had my camera with me.

So what else did I do today ? Let's see, I played X-Wing Alliance again and read. I slept the entire day until 5.30pm just now. It rained. It was a nice, cool evening.

Tomorrow, I'm not working. Three day weekends are the best aren't they ?

There is this one thing that I've been itching to write about. Dee wrote about it yesterday. It's come up in conversations I've had. Also, a friend mailed me and mentioned the same thing in her e-mail. There's this question, a very good one if I do say so.

"People say, "I want a lover who is also a friend, a true companion." Then when they have friends they find attractive AND companionable, they say, "I don't want to ruin the friendship." So who does that leave you? Total strangers? And how easy is it to meet total strangers?"

Good question isn't it ?

No, I wouldn't mind at all if any close girl friend of mine confessed that she was into me that way. It wouldn't be weird to me. In fact, it would be flattering. Whether or not I would say yes, that depends on my own feelings then wouldn't it ?

If I said no and if we were good enough friends, I don't think it'll ruin our friendship in the long term. Sure, there'll be them after effects like awkward moments and things like that, but I like to believe that true friends can rise above that.

Likewise, if I was in love with a girl friend the only thing that will prevent me from admitting it to her is the fact that our friendship might not be solid enough to begin with. After all, our truest friends accept us for what we are, warts and all. If it were that solid, I'd be less worried about "losing" her.

If I was a good enough friend to her, she could say no and maybe explain and try to make me feel less bad about being rejected by her because she's my friend. If she was really my friend she would care enough about the way I feel, right ?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if admitting attraction to a friend will ruin that friendship, perhaps your friendship isn't as solid as you think it was.

It's a good topic of conversation isn't it ?

Perhaps I will write more about this over the weekend. Until then, feel free to weigh in with opinions.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Girl Friends/Boy Friends

Oh. Bloody. Hell. What. A. Night.

Last night, I brought a book to read at work. Usually, there's enough time to doodle during night shift and do things like read, lurk around people's blogs, listen to mp3s etc.

Last night, I didn't even have time to eat. The book is now in my cabinet, unread.

Last night was the busiest night I've ever had. Ever.

It didn't start like that. I could still chat on the phone and read The Star Online. Then, the phone started ringing. Damn phone...

Anyways, it's quite alright. I finished all the things that I was supposed to do and fielded all the problems with the usually aplomb (almost). Plus, busy night equals no time to get depressed. No bad there.

However, I hope tonight is less busy. Last night was tiring.

And talking about busy, I've been going out quite a lot when I'm not working. Which brings me to one of those bad after effect of a healthy social life. I feel more reluctant than usual to go to work.

Everything is double edged isn't it ? There's really no such thing as something that's all good is there ?

Anyway, I feel quite good lately. Which makes me kinda wary. You know the saying,"When everything is going well, it's an ambush" ?

Since it's my life we're talking about where things get pear shape extremely quickly, no way am I going to take anything for granted now. At least I try not to.

What's this thing that's making me feel quite good ? Friends of course.

And new friends. One new friend in particular, whose company I enjoy immensely. Because of her, I'm not beset with loneliness. Yeah, I've been seeing her a lot.

Ever since school, I've always had friends and I've always have the one girl friend whom I am closer with than even the guys. Well, not to say closer. I've got other close friends but there was always the one girl friend who's....different somehow. This new friend is the new one. It's great. And here I thought I've lost that.

Which brings me to the idea of making friends with your opposing gender. In our somewhat repressed conservative society, being close to someone of opposing gender is frowned upon in some circles. It's "unhealthy" according to some.

I beg to differ. Simply put, like in a man's case there are certain things that women will understand better simply because they are women. Ditto vice versa. Guys know guy things because they're guys and they do those things. What better place for a girl to ask than a guy ?

Men and women are equal, but men and women are also fundamentally different. Hence all the misundertanding and the cockeyed lopsided biases.

It'll go a long, long way to dispelling some myths and promoting respect and understanding. Look around and see how misunderstood the different genders are from the other gender's perspective. Why ?

Because we don't talk enough.

I know many, many people who have no platonic relations with their opposing numbers. And it's always these people who have skewed perspectives about men/women.

I remember one conversation I had with a senior in college where he asked me why do I spend so much time with this one girl in my class. I told him she my good friend and yes we have gone out and watch movies and stuff alone. He insisted that men and women can't be friends and there's something I'm not telling him. No amount of convincing could change his point of view.

He, obviously had no female friends.

See ? Skewed.

I bet this lack of contact can also explain why some of our dumbass MPs say stupid things when it comes to women issues.

Ahh, yes. Our dumbass members of parliaments. But that story as they say, is for another post.

EDIT 27th April 7.39pm

I was reading the New Straits Times and I found this article about basically the same thing as this post. Good to know someone is doing something about it.

Go and read.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Guitars and Girls


My poor neglected blog. My uneventful life is starting to make me pay less attention to you.

As much as I say I don't, there are those days when I write to please the audience. Actually I don't mind that. I like positive attention. I like getting it and I like giving it too. Beats the hell out of being set up and laughed at by a classroom full of bastards.

I still haven't forgiven them for the shit they pulled. Fuckers. But alas life is kinda fair in the long run. Now all the "cool" bastards in school are losers in adult life. Maybe I should be remorseful and take pity. NOT !

Anyways, this is not what this post is about. No need for vengeance and retribution. They got what they deserved.

Actually, I don't know what this post is about. I'm in a YM conference right now. Maybe they can help me figure something out.

Yes, I will be writing for an audience.

20 minutes later...

Ok, nothing came to mind.

Dammit, I'm feeling all fuzzy and warm at the moment. I have too much Westlife on my playlist. But I must brave on and complete my playlist updating exercise.

But really, as metal and rock and alternative and punk as my musical choices are, I do like the occasional boybandish love song. In fact, I might go nuts and take some of those Boyzone and Westlife and turn them into jangly acoustic slow rock numbers. Some of them have pretty good lyrics. Should be nice for our planned July beach trip.

Sappy as they are, there's a place for mopey love songs. Why are they so popular if not the case ?

Like my blog, my guitar is kinda neglected. She needs new bronze (strings). I know some people put steel strings on their acoustic guitars. Usually to soften the gauge. Sometimes people put nylon strings also to soften the gauge and to get a different sound.

That's fine but me ? I like my mid gauge bronze strings. There's this magic when you play a jumbo acoustic with good bronze strings. It sounds....proper somehow. And acoustic guitar and a good tune ? Can you say romantic ? I know the ladies dig it. I know this. I've done it before. Heee...

Also, I find women who play guitar incredibly sexy. Very very sexy. I know someone out there is feeling all awwww right now.... *wink*

But seriously guys, look at Michelle Branch, Lisa Loeb, Jewel, Shania Twain, The Donnas, The Dixie Chicks et al. Are these not really fine ladies ? Imagine a night with a guitar playing girl. Instead of the usual whispering sweet nothings, me and her could bring our guitars and do duets ! I love that picture.

Ahh yes, romance can be fun. Also, romance is a good spectator sport. Watching it happen to your friends is almost as good as being in it.

Ok, dinner bells beckon.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Last Night/The Story So Far

"If I could look beyond your face
And photograph your hidden place
Would I find you smiling in the picture

I don't know what you want
Because you don't know,
So what's the point of asking

You're almost happy
Almost content
But your head hurts

Far too many ways to go
We learn so much but never know
Where to look
Or when we should stop looking

I can love the whole of you.
The poetry I stole from you
And hide inside my stomach

You're almost happy
Almost content
But your head hurts"

-Almost Happy, K's Choice

I have this nagging feeling that I may have posted the above lyrics before. If so, all I can say is.. Oops.

I got nothing to apologize about. Almost Happy is a beautiful song.

I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache. I went out drinking last night, the first time in literally months. At first we went to Tapanga.

I used to love Tapanga. They had decent food, the ambience was ok and they had a pretty good winelist. The only complaint I used to have was their inapproriately loud music, which is of the wrong genre. I mean, if you want your place to be warm and cosy, you do not play dance, hip hop and rap.

But then again this is Kuching where almost every place plays dance, hip hop and rap. We actually have a jazz and blues club here that plays.....feng tau.

My colleague was right the other day when he said that by and large, Kuchingites are still too ah beng. The ones who are not are few in number, but I least none of my friends are too ah beng.

Many times, I wish I could find a nice cosy place to drink white wine and not have to shout over Nelly and Usher while we talk. Last night, I may have found a good place to do just that.

Anyway, back to Tapanga. Well, sadly I don't think I'll be coming back there soon. The lost the winelist. I was horribly disappointed. They also struck off half of the drinks that used to be available from their menu.

But as they say, all is not lost. Despite my disappointment with Tapanga, the evening wasn't a total loss. While there, we witnessed a somewhat entertaining tiff involving a man, his mistress (apparently) and another man who was trying to calm things down. It involved flying drinking utensils, much crying and much loud proclamations of disatisfaction. As fun as melodrama can be, it messed up our rhythm. It's hard to talk and laugh with all that happening at the next table.

So me, Rin, Jerome, Wee Na and Eric left. I was out of ideas so Rin suggested the lounge at Hilton. I didn't know there was a lounge there. Duh....

It was a proper lounge too, right down to the music. But then, would anyone expect anything less from the Hilton ? It is a fine hotel by any standards. Good atmosphere, inobstrusive music at a comfortable volume and a good (if pricey) selection of drinks, I enjoyed it. And they have a master wine list !

So, if ever I need to bring anyone for a chat and a bit of cocktail, I'll know where to go now. Rin says the pina colada is good. I'll remember to try that next time.

We chatted and laughed and told lewd jokes the whole night long. If only the place closed later. Nevertheless it was a good evening with a group of friends.

Today was rather uneventful. I spent most of it nursing my hangover, watching the bonus DVD from my Star Wars Original Trilogy set and playing X-Wing : Alliance. Yes, I'm having a Star Wars kick. Less than a month from Epiode III.

Can you tell how excited I am ? Very. Notice that I've not talked about Buffy for the whole month.


Actually, this post was supposed to be a recap of all the things that's been happening with me so far. Also, it was supposed to be what I feel in general. As usual. What is Riding the Mellow if not a repository for my feelings ?

And that song Almost Happy just about covers what I wanted to say tonight. Just in case I miss something out. Songwriters and poets are remarkable in the way that they can capture a complex concept or emotion in a few verses. I'm not a huge fan of poetry, but I admire them nonetheless.

Anyways, the story so far.

I'm content. Well almost anyway. I'm single and I'm okay with it. I can sit and watch others fall in and out of love and have their relationships without internalizing anything. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. It does still bother me but nothing like before.

I no longer feel inclined to ask difficult questions like why and how etc etc. I'll probably complain and rant about my "feelings" and loneliness again but that's to be expected. No one's ever completely immune to that.

I anticipate those times when my mood will swing low and I feel like getting away from people and start posting oh-woe-is-me entries. I know I'll get depressed again for no good reason. That melancholy streak is hard wired and will always be a part of who I am.

I accept that. I hope my friends can too. I'm prepared to deal with all that and when it does happen again, I won't be caught off guard.

My life's pretty ok now. I can afford to do things and hang out in places that some of peers would never even go near because of the so-called posh factor. I can afford to buy and own things that aren't necessary without feeling guilty about it.

I have a nice job that pays for everything and doesn't swallow up all my free time. I like and appreciate the fact that unlike many people, my job doesn't follow me home. I'm happy with the fact that I can divide my work and personal life exclusively separated from each other.

I have no plans to continue studying. Maybe I will one day. But it will be somewhere else in another country. It'll be because I want to do it, not because I have to.

As much as I complain and whine about my past, I'm glad I went through what I did. It's allowed me to have a personal perspective on many things. When anyone asks for advise or opinion on things, I'm not reduced to spouting cliches. As much as I can, I try to speak from experience and if my own misfortune can help anyone avoid the same things, then at least it wouldn't be all for nothing.

And what of the future ? Who knows ?

I still am just here. I do not harbour some great ambition to change the world nor do I have some great big masterplan to follow. No big plans here. I leave the others to run the rat race. I live from day to day. My future can take care of itself. There's no point worrying about something I can't control.

My hope ? Happiness. Ultimately, I want to comfortable. I want to be able to live without worrying too much and without feeling pressured or guilty. If possible, I want to be with someone, but with each passing day it looks less likely and I find myself wanting it less and less. Perhaps it was not the necessity that I once thought it to be.

It would be nice. But as I say before, I'm no longer waiting and wishing. Besides, don't things like that happen on their own ? I hope I'll be prepared enough when it does, if it does. Or not. Who knows.

Well, this is one very long post. I wonder, did anyone read all of that ?

Current Music How Lisa Loeb Firecracker

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Boosting The Ego

I better get this done before I get swallowed up by a potential maddeningly busy day. The fact that I didn't sleep much last night is going to make today quite a challenge.

I chatted with Rin last night. I made a remark about how dull I seem to get when chatting over YM. I'm much better at conversations in real life (fortunately).

I haven't done quite a few things and I haven't settled some bills yet for this month. This weekend, I'll have to put in an extra day (night actually) of work. Good news, more money. Bad news, less rest.

I can't decide which one I want more, although the rest part appeals quite a bit to my lazy, lethargic side.

Sometimes I go back and read old entries, I've noticed that I have a few worrying tendencies. I seem to thrive on angst and emotional pain. I get a little comfortable and I start feeling paranoid and uneasy. I need to do something about this. I need to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with being okay.

A funny thing happened on Monday evening. I was out with a few friends and on the way to our hangout place one of them told me that I looked like the guitarist from Spider (local band). It's probably the hair. I was very flattered.

We hung out and talked and later as we left, that same friend burst out laughing as soon as she stepped out of the place. I asked her what's so funny ? Apparently, there were some guys sitting at the table near us and as we were leaving, one of them looked at us and told his other friends,"Look, it's that guy from Spider !".

I laughed. And then I went,"Errrhmmm" and "Huh?" and "Eh ?" and "Wha...?". Obviously, these kind of things don't happen very often. In fact, this is probably the first time I've ever been mistaken for a celebrity. It's kind of embarassing. But better than having people laugh and point, that much I can say.

Needless to say, my ego got a good boosting that day. I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Monday was a good day. I managed to catch up with friends (who are girls, by the way) whom I don't hang out with quite as often as I like and I may have made a new acquaintance.

I just noticed that most of the new friends I've been making are women. I also notice that none of them are single (except maybe one or two who are not and will never be interested in me). Well, can't have everything...

I admit I sometimes get envious. Some of my friends have maintained long, healthy relationships. But such is my lot. I may be occasionally envious, but I'm glad for them and grateful that they're around.

In hindsight, perhaps it's better to be by yourself then to cling to a bad relationship just so you could claim that you are involved with someone.

Unless you thrive on pain, like myself. Which is silly really.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Guns Guns Guns

This is an automatic grenade launcher.

I've been away. Like I was saying. Not "away" away though. I didn't go to another planet or some exotic tropical resort to cool my heels.

It would've been nice if I did though.

I went out so much, I didn't even have time to indulge in my favourite online passtime, which is to stalk all the blogs on my roll. Apparently, I do have a bit of a social life nowadays.

I checked my site meter today and saw that people are still checking daily to see if I update, despite the lack of updates. I so appreciate that, I don't know what to say. Ok, maybe I can say sorry. And ooops.

And so, to make up for that I shall now post pictures of guns.

The Armed Forces had an expo over the weekend. I have a healthy respect for military folks. I also like guns, hi tech gadgets and military gear. So naturally I went.

All manner of units had booths to display their wares. Every branch of the military were there. Rangers, Navy special forces, RMAF 17 Squadron (Mig-29), infantry, armour, support group, engineers, medics, even cooks and military police.

I had a whale of a time.

At one of the booths, I took the above photo of a shiny, new RPG7 rocket propelled grenade launcher and the corporal manning the booth very cheerfully told me to pick it up and showed me how to work it. It was heavy.

He then proceeded to cheerfully tell me that the royal army just got a batch of these. I told him that I thought it was a captured example from Somalia. He laughed.

Well, as a weapons enthusiast I am pleased to see the RPG in inventory. It's a fine piece of work. Very versatile and very idiot proof, hence it being commonly used by terrorists.

And if you look closely, this one has an optical sight. Very handy.

Next I went to the airforce booth, where they had a big ass 30mm cannon and it's equally big ass ammunition for display. If only they had enough space to put a actual Mig-29 there instead of a rather ratty looking scale model.

There were a lot of Starburst anti aircraft missile launchers all over the place. They also had an Igla MANPADS (MAN Portable Air Defense System) for display. I didn't take any pics.

My favourite booth has got to be the infantry interactive weapons display. Yes ! They let you pick up guns and let you fiddle with them !

So I fiddled and took pictures. By that time, Jerome had joined me.

You haven't been to a military expo if you haven't fiddled with the M16A2. We got lucky this time, for the one they had also came with an M203 40mm grenade launcher attachment.

Those are Jerome's hands by the way. I showed him how to release the magazine and how to prep the rifle and the grenade launcher for firing.

Modern assault rifles are easy. Toylike, almost. But ever so deadly.

Speaking of toy like, I also handled a Steyr AUG at the expo. This rifle is so easy, I managed to work it without anyone showing me how to. The selector switch (the thing you thumb when you want to go from safe to semi auto to full auto) was so silly looking I laughed at it.

Other weapons for display were the FN Minimi SPW, a H&K light machine gun, a 9mm pistol (I forgot what it was) and a Mossberg shotgun.

FN Minimi SPW 5.56mm Squad Automatic Weapon

They put the really big guns outside the tent.

Like this very menacing looking GPMG (General Purpose Machine Gun). In US service, it's modified and called the M240G. It's been around for ages.

They also had a 84mm mortar and a AGL (Automatic Grenade Launcher) outside. And another Starburst SAM launcher and an Igla.

Talking about menacing weapons that's been around for ages, later we went to check out the vehicle display. One of them was a jeep with a M2 Browning heavy machine gun mounted on it.

Devastating, firing 12.7mm (0.50 inch) ammunition and very heavy, the M2's been around since before the Second World War. It's extremely powerful, so if you ever need to shoot down a helicopter or blow up an SUV, trust the M2 to do it for you.

I like the way the picture turned out.

They had a whole myriad of vehicles there, jeeps with various weaponry, an amphibious APC, a dental truck even the MP dirt bike.

See these guys standing around ? They're preparing a demo demo. (Geddit ?)

That was awesome. The EOD guys put a cardboard box and blew it to smithereens with det cord.

Think firecrackers are loud ? I was standing a hundred yards away and when they blew up the box, I could FEEL the overpressure and my ears rang. To think, they didn't even use a substantial charge. Just detonator cord.

Explosives, scary.

When it was all over, we went to Great Kitchen at met up with Kenny and Rin. It was a good Sunday.

I have more stories to tell. Some warm, some funny, some just run of the mill stuff. It's nice to be angst free every now and then...

Stay tuned.

Still Here

Hello ! Did anyone miss me ? No, I didn't get abducted by aliens or kidnapped by druglords or anything.

I think this marks the longest time I've been away without posting. No, I didn't go anyway either.

It's been a rather busy few days away from work. The good kind of busy. I will write more later. And I have pictures.

I will write as soon as I'm done with a few chores. Stay tuned folks.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Weekend Relief

At work. Just had lunch. The weekend looms. And this weekend, I don't need to go to work. A valied reason for a big sigh of relief.

I spent some time reading blogs this morning. It's such an experience, reading about what all these different people are saying. I read many quite heart warming posts. It makes me wonder if any of my posts have ever been considered heart warming.

Many writers write well. Remarkable, considering how many of them don't write professionally. Or even come from backgrounds that encourage writing. It's a natural talent. Some people don't ever need to practise. Some others, like myself need to acquire the habit. It is a good habit.

I come from a science background. All through school all the way to college. I can't draw to save my life. Writing ? Until recently, I couldn't write. I could write well enough to describe a diagram or mathematical formula or other things like that. But not with any kind of flair.

I play guitar, though not too well. Just enough to accompany some simple tunes. I haven't tried writing any songs yet. Lyrics are very tricky.

I read, but mostly non-fiction and general interest material. I'm not that into literature. Nor fiction. Nor poetry.

I don't count myself as being highly creative. I have high regard for people who are creative. Through blogging, I've met a few of these.

So, this writing just for the hell of it is still new to me. But I'm encouraged by the response I get. I like what it does to me. Not bad for 15 months of practise.

Blogging is good for you. Such a simple pastime, so many benefits.

And talking about simple things that are beneficial, there is definite merit to phototherapy and how it helps improve your mood. I mentioned it in my last post. Now what is phototherapy ? Lights, that's what.

Or better yet sunlight. These last two days I spent a bit more time walking around in sunlight. I feel much better than last week.

The weekend looms and I look forward to the end of what was a tough week, on and off work. A bit of rest will do me good. And on Sunday, I can go on my overdue Star Wars fest.

Y'all have a good weekend now ok ?

EDIT: I feel better, but somehow I still feel a bit out of sync and scattered. So, some of my posts may sound a little distracted for a while. Sorry about that.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Away From The Sun

This morning, I saw something I wanted to take a picture of. So I take out my camera, point, focus and click. Whereupon the camera promptly shut itself down. Apparently, I haven't been charging the batteries. Sometimes, I take it for granted that NmH will never lose power.

Ok, the truth is I was being absent minded again.

I went out to see friends last night at the usual place. I finally remembered to bring Andrea's cds with me and pass them to Gette. I think she waited 6 months for those cds. Or maybe more. Of course, if I remember something like that I'd forget something else.

And of course how fitting is it when the thing that I forgot to bring to a photo meet....
.... was my camera.

I so need a vacation right now.

And talking about vacations and things that help people relax, I must say. Tea is soothing. I think I will order tea again the next time. I like tea.

And still on relaxing and other ways to induce the feeling of well being, remember my mood swing thingy (references to which is probably available throughout my blog) ? Well , yesterday I was doing some reading and I came across some good articles about seasonal affective disorder, phototherapy, melatonin etc etc.

And talk about coincidence, a friend of my sent me mail and in it she mentioned the exact same thing.

This explains a lot of things. I did mention that I'm more prone to swingy moods when I'm working at night. I work at night, go back in the morning, sleep and wake up at dusk. I would not see the sun for up to 5 nights in a row. Apparently, lack of sunlight can cause mood disturbances.


When I work days, I'm a lot more chipper and time seems to move faster. I'm curious, if I reread my own blog entries and correlate their contents with my shift patterns, will I see the connection ?

Could this information help ? I think it might. Anyway, it's a pretty good excuse to go to beach now isn't it ?

It probably doesn't explain all of the things that I sometimes feel. I am after all naturally prone to dark moods. But every little bit helps and it's something for me to try out. It would really help if others try it and feedback to see how significantly light levels affect people's moods.

Maybe this explains why there are no such things as chipper vampires....

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


There's a picture that I should be putting here.

Unfortunately, this is one of those days when Photojerk refuses to load. Never mind, it's an old picture anyway.

I haven't taken that many pictures lately. The weather's been less than pristine the last few days. In fact there's a lot of things not very pristine these days.

I had a bit of an emotional relapse last night. I chatted with a friend on YM and sorta broke down in the middle of it. But it was a relief. Writing your woes here is one thing, but talking about things with a live person is another thing. Certain things are good to keep to yourself no ?

I have a feeling that this week is going to be one of those really hard weeks, at work and outside. At work, work is piling up and there's a whole lot of things that will be going on. So I'll probably have a lot of overtime. Which also means exhaustion and less time for myself.

Outside of work, my own feelings are churning right now. Like something isn't quite right. Feeling kinda anxious, I don't even know about what. Part of it is me fighting off my own melancholy streak.

I can be prone to mood swings. I don't like it. It's disturbing.

Even worse, I don't want it to interfere with the way I interact with other people. I don't want to end up saying things that might hurt others or make them go "eh?".

But I try to cheer up. I try by thinking how much worse it used to be when I do get my inevitable streak of moodiness. At least now, I can make a conscious decision about not giving in and taking notice of it, instead of letting it throw me out of sync again.

Certain things just refuse to go away. Certain things can't be changed. Certain parts of yourself you can never make better. I guess it's like being a werewolf, or a vampire. You have to live with your curse.

Short of the stake or the silver bullet, the only thing left to do is to deal.

I'm going to go out today and try to shake the blues off that way.

EDIT: 1.52pm I just finished watching this movie and it is so good. Also, on a personal level, quite profound.

"If you believe in love at first sight, you never stop looking"

Monday, April 11, 2005

Another Quake

There's been another quake, this time is Sumatra. As far as I can tell, Borneo is not affected again. It was strong enough to affect the West coast of the peninsular, but not strong enough to cause another tsunami.

Someone needs to seriously check the southern perimeter of the Ring of Fire. Really. The fault lines are really, really active this year. I think the volcanoes need some monitoring too.

This also reminds me to check with my cousin about our little "project". Call him tomorrow.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Local Guy Gets Defensive !

Someone posted about cops ! As usual, it wasn't a good post, but is anyone actually surprised by that ?

Local cops have a bad rep, especially traffic and low ranked beat cops. Unfortunately, that bad rep is justified. Low ranked cop stoogies are the scum of the earth, even worse than gangsters. Ok fine. That's a generalisation. But pull 10 random beat cops from a line and I bet my left arm that 7 of them are corrupt/incompetent/stupid/all of the above.

Surely, they're not THAT bad right ? They are, trust me. If you're all meek and accomodating, be prepared to be eaten for brunch.

This is one reason why me and my group of friends tend to take matters into our own hands, even if that means contacting people in the....."underworld". Or going around the official channel and reporting something straight to someone higher up. Cops are the last resort and even then we try and contact those we know personally. So, what am I saying ?

Beat cops, traffic cops and those guys who man desks/counters are there for a reason. As policemen, they suck.

But this post isn't about cops at all actually. It's about local men.

I read that post and the term "seeth" doesn't even begin to describe my initial reaction. I was about to get all defensive and launch into a tirade about how easily people make generalisations etc etc.

Then I went for a smoke break and managed to calm down a bit. I must admit, a lot of local men are assholes. A lot of local men are insensitive, uncouth and barbaric. In fact, I should be pissed off because men like that it makes it harder for guys like ME goddammit !

I'm more upset when I realize that I actually know some guys like that. Thanks a bloody lot guys, because of miscreants like YOU, a lot of women think all guys including ME are CREEPS too. Thanks a fucking lot.

Ok now that's out of the way I will now try to be rational about this.

I don't blame the author of the post. She has every right to feel offended and angry for what happened to her. I'm very sorry she had to go through that.

However I feel that it is unfair for her to blame local men in general, for that implies that ALL of us are like that. True enough, there are a lot of guys like that. I cannot speak for them, because I feel that I do not act like that.

Do I ? I would like to know if I have in some way acted in any sexist way ever. I'd like to think that I do not conduct myself like that, nor do I think many of my male friends are like that.

I admit, it stung when she said she cannot stand local men. It hurts everytime I hear or read anything that implies directly or indirectly (eg. that Sarong Party Girl Blog), that there is something wrong with us who are born and bred here. Like we're somehow, inferior.

I wonder out loud, when people make comparisons like that, are they 100% sure ? Have any of these women, who are so damn sure that local men suck, ever had any actual relationship (friends,etc) with a local man ?

To me, local or not doesn't matters here, but generally speaking men are men wherever they are. And many men are assholes. As are some women.

Anyway getting back on the subject, I realize that the author of that post was merely expressing an opinion as I am in this post. I hope there are no hard feelings.

I'm very sorry she have to go through the things she had to. I'm very sorry about the way she is treated. I wish there was something that I could do about that.

I only mean to say that it's unfair to make sweeping statements like that. That's all.

Have a good evening.

EDIT: I also meant to try to explore the reasons why some men act the way they do, but that is such a long post it will have to wait.

EDIT : I have removed an offensive link on this entry as a gesture of goodwill. The person mentioned here and I have talked about this and she has explained the circumstance which led to her post.

She has requested that this matter be dropped completely so she can concentrate on her current situation.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Inertia Redux

I was actually quite busy tonight, to my surprise. We're at some kind of holding pattern at work, just doing routine stuff while we wait for the management to make decisions. So, I don't expect to be too busy until next month.

Ok, that's boring. Talking about work is boring, especially when most of it is confidential and can't be mentioned in the first place.

My current personal situation is also in some kind of holding pattern. Nothing happening. Nothing really important anyway.

I watched some DVDs the last two days. That wasn't boring at least. I suppose I could write about AVP and Star Wars Ep. 2.

Except I won't, at least not this morning. My brain is on stand by mode and therefore only has enough room for one, maybe two complex thoughts.

Today, a familiar yearning suddenly came back.

It's that kind of feeling of "oh, wouldn't it be nice if....this this and this happened today and maybe I might find someone to spent Gawai with. Oh wouldn't that be so good..."

Stupid feelings. I knew I wasn't over that completely. But really, does anyone ever stop yearning for companionship ? I think not, vehemently denied the fact may be by some people.

At least it didn't hurt. Usually my yearning for "company" is accompanied with questions like "Why ? Why hasn't it happened yet ?" and feelings of inadequacy and woe.

I'm not entirely sure where did the usual angst went. It's quite a good change of pace. I can think about relationships, watch people start their relationships and provide a place for someone else to talk to about it, all without the usual doubts, questions and the pointless wondering about my own "state". It's a good change. Unfamiliar, but good.

A friend of mine posted something about change on her LJ (a locked entry unfortunately). Something about changing for the better and depsite it being a good kind of change, there is still that uncertainty there, the sense of losing identity.

I get that completely. It's CHANGE. Change is always unsettling, good or bad. Some people thrive on that. Some other people, like myself and my LJ owning friend find comfort in the familiar, occasionally even giving up positive changes just so we could keep the current familiar environment (at least that's how I feel, I can't speak for my friend or anyone else for that matter).

Deja vu. I wrote about something similar a short while ago.

You know you've been blogging a while when you start plagiarising your own entries....

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Dark Seeing

From this picture, what can you tell ?

I am at work of course. For the next four nights, I'll spend my days in bed and my nights doing "work". I especially dread Saturday nights at work. That's when none of the blogs I frequent get updated. I might bring a large, long winded book to work this weekend. Or my Buffy episodes.

It's been a rather eventful week so far. Eventful as in many things happened, only not to me. This time the drama is unfolding elsewhere while I play Watcher. Once again, it's strange to watch and see the same things that used to happen to you happen to other people. It's weird to see people you know go through and do the same things you did. Even the mistakes are the same...

It's also funny when you realize that even if you butt in and share a piece of so-called sage advice, it'll probably be ignored since that's what you would do if you were in that position.

The heart (or the id rather) does not think rationally and does not have your best interest in mind. It wants fulfilment. It was more. It wants. Often, that want will hurt.

And so, I will watch and learn, and perhaps help if asked to.

Was that cryptic enough ?

Random thought:- I used to think that I lived in darkness. It felt dark and dank because I was always by myself there. It was lonely and too deafeningly quiet. I felt wasted and unwanted. Yes, it was dark where I was.

Funny how darkness bothers you less when you develop night vision.

I'm always wary when I think like this, when I think that somehow things are better. It feels less cold and less quiet. They're are others there, within reach. In the dark, I can feel them.

It's a relief to feel that maybe, just maybe, that I'm not the outcast that I perceived myself to be. It's a change to entertain the idea that perhaps I'm not as bad and as repulsive as I used to think I was. Maybe, just maybe all that was just the demon talking. And that strength-sapping, confidence-undermining demon's been rather quiet for a while now...

I know and realize that there will be people who will not think so highly of me as I want them to. As much as it sucks, it's their right and their choice. It's them and not me who decides that.

Rejection and related things, I still need to get used to. I still need to learn to not take it too hard.

I'm wary about telling everyone that things are better because I worry that I might jinx myself. Tell everyone everything's fine and tomorrow I could be sinking into the depths of depression again. I wouldn't be surprised. Life tends to play cruel jokes like that.

The truth ? Things haven't really changed. The wants are still there and so far, still unfulfilled. But now, I can accept that even if I can't have what I want, I will still go on. The only thing that's changed is the way I look at and feel about things.

You know, night vision ?

Current Music Dashboard Confessional Screaming Infidelities The Swiss Army Romance


Big improvement for Photojerk - no branding. Notice above picture with NO added words on it, unlike previous pics. To show my appreciation for branding free pics, I shall now plug Photojerk and say *gameshow host voice* Use Photojerk for all your image hosting purpose. I do !

Aside from that bit of good, the rest of the day was also good. I went out to see my friends and for once we didn't get rained out at the end of the night. Not all of us could make it though, but that was understandable. Some of us didn't get much sleep last night. And no, it's not what you think.

I had Japanese food tonight. I've never had Japanese food before. It was quite alright.

So ignorant am I about Japanese food, I had to ask Rin to show me how to pick what to order. I'm not very adventurous when it comes to food, so I avoided all the exotics like unagi and salmon and took the safe way out and ordered egg sashimi and crab instead. I can't remember their Japanese names right now.

It was interesting. With wasabi, even more interesting.

Later, we went to our usual hang out at Great Kitchen because the food court where we were at was closing.

I met Rin's friend today. She was cool. I'd like to hang out with her again !

Rin asked me to write about her. So I will. Now what can one say about Rin ?

I like her a lot.

She's Syuk's youngest sister. She'll be 22 this year. She's single handedly proving my girls-who-are-under-25-are-kids-and-are-immature theory wrong.

That's the dangerous thing about pigeon-holing people. You'll always find exceptions, that you could be wrong. In her case, I'm happy to be wrong.

She's got a really whack, out there sense of humour. I like that. Demure ? Feminine ? She's none of these things. She's comfortable with herself and free spirited.

I can say with absolute certainty that some of our more traditional, conventional men will not be able to handle her.

She's very attractive. Mostly because of her quirkiness but she looks good too. She's got nice arms and fingers, among other things. People keep telling her she's cute. That's because she is.

Yes, I like Rin (but not like THAT). She's cool.

Also, at the moment I like her very much more because she said something to me that I personally find very flattering. I'm very flattered and pleased that she thought about me that way.

Compliments are nice aren't there ? Even nicer when coming from people you like....

I feel so good right now.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Self Improvement

Once again I didn't do any damn thing the whole day. Only this time, its by choice.

In this day and age of getting ahead and rat racing, people tend to forget about the joys of doing nothing.

Personally I'd rather do nothing at the beach somewhere but home is good too.

Funny how there's some kind of stigma about not "improving yourself" in your spare time. I get questions about that from some people at the office, especially from the more anal retentive types.

Actually, I'm only not improving myself in your typical fashion. In other ways,with my blogging and my going out more, I am improving myself.

I have no intention of going to get a degree. At least not now anyway. If I ever go to college, it'll be full time and in a foreign country, like England. Or Wales. I like Europe. I got some brochures of unis in places like Hull and Cardiff and Edinburgh. The campuses are gorgeous !!

Unfortunately, they cost.

I have a colleague who is taking his degree part time. Poor sod has precious little time left for his kid, his wife and himself. He doesn't mind. But me ? I would lose my mind in about two days....

There's absolutely nothing wrong with bettering yourself and going back to school. It is a noble pursuit.

I do think it's wrong to look at people funny when you ask them about going back to school and they say no thanks.

I am improving myself. I'm practising writing by blogging and fighting my antisocial loner side by going out a lot. I'm learning to be calmer and not be so intense all the time.

That's improving right ?

PS. I'm chatting on YM right now and I'm very distracted. So if the post sounds blah you know why...

Monday, April 04, 2005


Nothing really important going on right now. Just me, a desire to write something (anything in fact) and no topic to write about.

Therefore I will fall back on the old blogging standby. Me.

Except even right now, I can't think of anything really serious to write about myself. That's really saying something, since I can really go on and on and on....

What can I say about me ?

I'm fine. I'm different from before (I think) That's just the thing, changes can only be detected by people outside. But I think I'm different now from the same time last year.

I strangely content. I'm not sure whether because I've made peace with my surroundings and my life now, or whether I'm just suppressing all my unfulfilled wants.

I'm satisfied with how everything is now.

It's funny when I think back to the days when things didn't seem so right. It's like watching a movie with someone else playing you. The situations are familiar and you remember them, but somehow they seem so far away. Sometimes I think, nah.... that wasn't me was it ?

Funny thing, memory.

I don't have a specific thing that I'm looking forward to. No great ambition and nothing major to shoot for. I'm just here. Some people think that's being unambitious. Might be true.

I think it's peace. It takes a bit to get used to the quiet and the inaction.

I'm still alone, but I'm not feeling lonely anymore. For now.

I like the idea that people have mentioned to me that they like what I write here. It's extremely flattering and yet somehow I still find it hard to believe.

But I'm grateful for that.

Current Music Lifehouse Hanging by A Moment

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Immigration Controls : Another Current Issue Post

Warning: Long, possibly boring post about a current issue

It's a Saturday night and as usual, all my friends will be out and none of their blogs will be updated. I'm stuck here at work all alone with nothing to read and no one to talk to.

I'm going to be so bored. I might actually have to do some real work. Bummer. At least tomorrow I'll be free.

I wait impatiently for the middle of April. That's when I'll be free on Saturdays for the next three months.

Which reminds me, I need to housekeep my PC. My desktop is full of junk and stuff that I downloaded but haven't sorted through yet.

Anyway, today I wish to write about another current issue. And that issue is the Sabah/Sarawak immigration controls and its impending abolishment. Many articles in the papers have been talking about this. This is one of them.

First, a little historical background for any foreigners who are interested to know.

Way back in 1963, the Borneo states of Sarawak and Sabah joined the Federation of Malaya and Singapore to form what is now known as Malaysia. Singapore left soon after thus leaving the Borneo states and the Malayan states.

Amongst the many things related to this union are some special conditions that are accorded to the two Borneo states. And amongst this is immigration controls. These controls require residents of Malayan Peninsular states to produce their passports upon entry to the two Borneo states whereas residents of the two Borneo states only need to produce their identity cards to enter the Malayan peninsular.

These immigration controls also affect employment, whereby a resident of peninsular Malaysia requires a work permit before being allowed to work in Sarawak and Sabah.

At that time of implementation, there were some good reasons why these controls were put in place. Something to do with social matters and local politics. I'm not going to discuss that now.

Thus endeth the history lesson.

Anyway, as a Sarawakian I did have some misgivings and doubts about doing away with the travel restrictions. However, I gave it more thought and I grudgingly admit there might be some good there after all.

My concerns as usual, are more social than political.

Ok, it might help with local tourism and boost business. More people can come visit us here. That's a good thing. It's good because maybe that might help dispel that annoyingly persistent myth that East Malaysians are simple, redneck, country bumkins who still live in trees. This, pisses me off. The fact that there are some idiots who still believe this pisses me off even more.

It will help with social relations. Many of us went to college there and made friends. It would be good if they could come and visit us here without having to apply for an expensive international passport.

More visitors from the peninsular will add more variety to local life. Think how cool if would be if someday soon we could have a national level bloggers meet here. That would be cool !

It'd be easier for musicians, theatre people, artistes, etc to perform and organize events here. Kuching is nice and all but we do need a bit more nouveau culture here.

I'm fine with the idea of increased travel between the two halves of the nation. Therefore, I agree with doing away the passport require for visitors from the peninsular.

However, I think the work permit rule should stay. It should stay because it would limit permanent migration.

The implications are many. Social change is one of them.

Things are different between the peninsular and here. Here, things are simpler, more laidback. Here, people are more tolerant and less suspicious of people of different races and religion. Here, many racial issues that matter to politicians in the peninsular, don't matter.

There, the segregation between different races is more pronounced and more tense. There, it's a bigger deal. There are more racists and zealots there than here. I'm not saying that people in the peninsular are racists. Not at all. We have our share of morons too. But there are simply more of them over there.

We don't want these sort of people here. We want the cool, open minded, easy going people like the ones on my blogroll. We don't want chauvinists, racists and religious zealots.

I can safely speak for all Sarawakians when I say of all the things we can import from the peninsular, this one we do not welcome. A big "No Thank You" right here.

I know this sounds very bigoted and prejudiced. But it's true. Sorry to say. I'm not implying that we are somehow better over here. I'm just saying that society as a whole, is different here.

Never in my entire life in Sarawak have I ever been mistreated or disrespected for my race or religion. In KL, it took just one week for me to get my first racial slur. And to think, this happened at university, a place where supposedly "learned" people go to.

Five years there, I could FEEL the tension running just below the surface. I've never ever felt that here.

I offer no theories why this is so. This issue is for the politicians and sociologists to work out.

In the end, I try not to be a bigot. Therefore I say, if anyone wants to live and work in Sarawak that's cool by me, provided that they embrace the Sarawakian way of life. Trust me when I say they will find it quite pleasant.

Friday, April 01, 2005

April Mix

Yes, that was what I had for dinner. Good... And tonight's post is quite light weight and angst free. So, enjoy.

My blogroll is getting very, very long. It's taking a lot of time for me to read through the whole roll. It's a good thing I'm a compulsive blog reader...

It's about to get bigger. I found at least half a dozen blogs which I want to track. Most of them are by women.

I like women, I find them fascinating and if reading their blogs will help me understand them then good for me. I think. Right ? On that note, mid last year I tried to get many of my non-internet using male friends interested in blogging and the internet as an information gathering tool in general.

No joy. They still continue with their pointless arguments about automative matters which can be easily settled by visiting a website.

Apparently, lots of people don't realize that there's more to the Net than chatrooms, dissident political forums and porn. It's sad.

I wish more guys would blog. Especially your so-called typical local guys (if there ever is such a thing) who were born, raised and still living here.

It's April ! So, who's the fool today ? Anyone out there got pranked today ? This is one of those nice things about working my job. I'm a lone wolf, especially at night. So no worries about colleagues pulling such stunts as putting thumb tacks on my chair and formating my hard disk and changing my Buffy wallpaper to one with Britney Spears on it or things like that.

Why do people pull these stunts on April 1st ? Check out the extremely interesting Factmonster to learn why. (Link courtesy of Nikki). I love trivia websites like that. I'll put up more as I find (or remember) them.

Has anyone ever wondered why apparently useless facts are so fascinating ? I know I have.

April also means that the first quarter of the year is gone. How fast is that eh ? It also means the weather should start changing. I expect it to get sunnier now. Of course, if you live in Kuching you can't really tell because here there's only a few major types of weather: it's either raining, going to rain or not raining.

Weatherwise it's boring here.

In other news, one of my favourite bloggers is celebrating her Blogday right around now. Now, what is a Blogday ? Why it's the day you started blogging of course. Mine's somewhere at the end of January, 29th I think.

Let's see how fast Hallmark catches on that.

One last thing, I just love "Why I Blog" posts. That's the beauty of blogging. Every blogger started for any number of reasons. I find that most interesting.

Ok then. Back to work.