Struggle Within

Ever since I posted the last two posts I've been torn between feeling absolutely fine, pulling both posts off the blog and deleting the entire blog out of shame.

I got really agitated by what people might be thinking.

Since it's making me this uncomfortable, I must be doing something right. I think I'm on to something here.

As can be expected, I did a lot of thinking today about what may be causing my bouts of depression. I got theories ranging between the classic unresolved personal issues, to inherited character flaw to cyclic serotonin depletion. Just now I even went outside to see the moon, just in case it was full. No, it's not the moon. It's not a full moon out right now.

On Monday, I'm going to see the doc for some advice and maybe some meds to help out. Other than that, I have no idea what I should do. I'm hoping I don't need to get a therapist. That would cost a lot.

I went and did more research on the Net. I know that in many cases, depression cannot be fully cured. I'm okay with that. I don't need to be 100% fine. I'll settle for 75%. As long as I'm fine 75% of the time, I'm okay with that.

I'm curious how long this is going to take.

Everything's quite blurry right now. I have thoughts in my head and I'm not sure which ones are real and which ones are not. I have some really negative thoughts that I'm trying not to entertain. Thoughts about how people would avoid and laugh at me if they found out that I'm contemplating outside help.

I shouldn't think that way. But the paranoia is still there.

Tell you what. If they are people who want to avoid me, that's fine. If they want to laugh and jeer and make snide remarks, fine. Go ahead and make fun of the potential mental patient.

I really don't have time to worry about that now. If they are people who want to judge and point fingers instead of helping, go ahead. I don't care anymore. It's wondering about what everyone might be thinking that's making this worse, now that I think about it.

Next week starting Monday, I'll be rather busy actually. I have two meet ups to go to, a PC to fix, some computer parts to buy, a doc to see, car insurance/road tax matters to settle and other things. Also a friend of mine is coming back to Kuching on Wednesday. She wants to chat. Meeting up with her will be such a great relief.

In a way, being busy like this is good. It keeps my mind off itself.

Hope everyone else will have a great week too.

Currently Listening to Play it by Ear Summercamp Buffy Unofficial OST