Music Music

I've been sitting on this music meme for months. See, when I'm asked what my favourite song is or who my favourite artist is I'll be stumped. There's simply too many to pick from and it changes from time to time.

And now, the meme.

Random 10:
I put my WMP on random and this is what I got:-
1. Never Too Late - Kylie Minogue
2. Skeletons of Society (Live) - Slayer
3. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
4. I Believe in You -Kylie Minogue
5. The Struggle Within - Metallica
6. Bizarre Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward
7. Stand Here With Me - Creed
8. 2 A.M. - Iron Maiden
9. Paschendale - Iron Maiden
10. Only a Day - Goldfinger

What is the total number of music files on your computer?
After housekeeping and removing duplicates and low quality stuff, exactly 5095 tracks. And counting.

The last CD you bought is:-
Page Avenue - Story of The Year

What is the song you last listened to before this message?
Priviledge - Incubus

Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
1. Miracle - Jon Bon Jovi, Young Guns II OST
- The year was 1991. Our class had just been declared the worst ever Science stream class in the 100 plus years of our school's history. Our teachers were sure only a miracle could save the school from total humiliation.

And so we sat for our SPM with this song in background. Three months later, the entire class defied expectations by scoring 100% passes. Not bad for a bunch of losers eh ?

2. Regret - New Order
- I love this song. Absolutely.

3. The Loneliness of a Long Distance Runner - Iron Maiden, Somewhere in Time
- No genre can be so effective at working angst like old skool metal. This song is part of my "College Years" soundtrack.

4. Misteri Mimpi Syakila - Wings, Hukum Karma
- The first song I learnt to play. I was 16.

5. Pain - Four Star Mary
- Buffy Lives !! Long Live Buffy !! Long Live the Slayer !!!

*Bonus Track - I know the meme says 5 but that's clearly not enough.
6. True - Spandau Ballet
- One of my all time favs. I wouldn't be able to forget how this song goes even if I tried, it's been laserburnt into my brain.

Who are you gonna pass this stick to (three persons and why)?
Why only three ? Music is the spice of life. Everyone's life has a soundtrack. Everyone should do this meme.

I feel like writing about music, particularly the music I like. I also want to write about how I'm playing guitar again. Unfortunately, I have errands to run.

Later then.

Ladders

I'm going to stay away from the Internet for a few days. Okay, maybe ONE day, if I could last that long.

To be honest, I'm feeling a little burnt out. There's not a lot that's happening nowadays. Not so much to write about.

I went to see Florence last night. A few drinks after a hard day is quite the relief, let me say that. It was great.

And today I was supposed to go out but I ended up at home nursing a hangover. I keep forgetting the fact that I SHOULD NOT drink too much beer. I always get the most severe hangovers from beer. Better stick to good ole vodka. Vodka based drinks are always the most fun. And painless.

I saw this girl last night and I was consume with this an almost irresistable urge to go talk to her. I say almost because I took too long to think of what to say and when I did, along comes this huge Scandinavian guy and he sits between us and starts talking to her.

There goes another potentially interesting evening and along with that, there goes another potentially interesting blog entry. What was good about last night's incident was the fact that for once I was not consumed my the usual dread and not concerned about whether she was going to like me or not. I just wanted to talk, that was it.

So unfortunate for me, it took SO long to think of something to say that wasn't a cheesy pick up line. I should remember the fact that "Hi how are you ?" is perfectly acceptable for most people (hopefully).

I nearly forgot. I'm supposed to be taking a break from all this date-like social activities as a part of my angst reduction programme. Sure I could pretend like it wasn't but it was. Secretly, whenever I meet a girl I've never met before there's always that "Is she dateable ?" question.

I believe in some circles there is a concept called the Ladder Theory at work here. I've read about it in so many blogs and other places and yet somehow I can't think of where to find the links right now.

For those who don't know what The Ladder Theory is, it basically describes how when a woman meets a man she will classify him immediately into one of two "ladders", the Friends ladder and the potential-boyfriend Ladder. For a man, all women are potential girl friends.

According to the theory, the two female ladders are mutually exclusive. The chances of a man crossing over from the friends ladder to the potential ladder is very slim.

I'm not entirely sure about how true this is. Sounds like an oversimplification to me. I'm quite sure there are always exceptions to rules like these.

As a mental exercise, I have thought about it. In my case, it's true that I do look at a new female acquaintance as a potential date first, a potential friend second. So maybe, half of that theory is true. I can't vouch for the girls unfortunately. Not being a girl makes it hard for me to speculate.

The idea that the two sexes view relationships differently is intriguing though. I'm sure that it is true, I'm just not sure how different exactly. I do think that it is true when it says that men view relationships from a more physical view than a woman. Having said that, I do not agree that men cannot appreciate the more emotional aspects of a relationship. Therefore, the idea that men are only after one thing is invalidated.

Sure, guys like sex. But that's not the only thing guys want from their girlfriends/wives. And women enjoy sex too. It would be grossly unfair to them it they didn't.

Relationships are difficult aren't they ? And it seems to me that the older you get the harder it is to get into one. And the more you know, the harder it is to be open to it. I think that's ironic. Knowing more and having more experience should make things easier. Apparently not when your emotions are involved.

Maybe people are like forts and castles. The older ones have more and better defenses and are trickier to breach.

Or maybe, it's just me.

Update : I found this and this ! Brilliant !!

Currently Listening to Ocean Avenue Yellowcard Ocean Avenue

Super Ultra Mega Rant

Longest. Post. Ever.

When I read the paper, I find some absolutely crazy things being written. Before anything else, I would like to say that everyone's entitled to an opinion, however absurd.

Check out this thing I found in today's Star. Heck, I'll repost the whole thing here:-

Singapore girls – a challenge to love

Insight: Down South
By SEAH CHIANG NEE

EDUCATED and financially independent, the new Singaporean woman is running into a wall of male traditions that is leaving some holes in their relationship, including marriage.

The trend had been building up over a couple of decades. In few other countries have women made larger strides in education and careers than in Singapore.

During the past few decades they have caught up with, and even overtaken, men in fields they had once dominated.

In university, women still outnumber men 55-45 with many moving strongly into subjects like media, mathematics, law and engineering, among others.

Recently girls won seven of the top 11 awards for A-level Physics, which had long been a boys’ domain.

Island-wide, women have moved into the highest ranks of the corporate world and commanded artillery units or police divisions, as well as trained jetfighter pilots. Ten women, aged 20-40, are planning to climb Mount Everest.

In short, the new female is able, confident and more than holding up half the heavens, but not getting equal success in their relationship with men.

This is running smack into a traditional male value of wanting to be seen wearing the pants, causing a growing “incompatibility”.

Better education has also led to the woman being perceived as too ambitious, self-centred and materialistic, not qualities that promote romance.

As a consequence, more men are choosing their brides from abroad, especially from China, Vietnam and most of all Malaysia, where historical links remain strong.

I attended five weddings in the last eight months that reflected the trend.

Four of the brides were from Malaysia and China and only one was local. I was told this was becoming a trend that government matchmakers have failed to correct.

One groom with a Johor bride said he had found Singaporean girls too materialistic and demanding. “One specifically set a condition: no living with my parents. She wasn’t happy dating on public buses.”

The women’s relentless pursuit of a career had come at the expense of learning to do simple household chores like cooking, ironing or looking after babies.

“If you want to marry a Singapore girl you must be prepared to eat at hawker centres for life,” one male cynic said.

A marriage agency owner told a radio interviewer how some of the girls had, on the first date, plied the men with questions like: What is your degree and earnings? Do you own a condo? “And they’re surprised when they didn’t get a second date,” she said.

Others find them picky, untrusting and calculative towards love and marriage.

Results of recently released research have found that one in five Singaporean wives is hiding her assets from her husband for fear that he will squander them or in case the marriage fails.

This 20% here compares with France (7.2%), USA (7.6%), Brazil (9%), Romania (12%) and Britain (16.8%).

But there are more hoarders in Japan (38%), Saudi Arabia (32%) and China (21%).

It doesn’t inspire trust. Another sign is the increasing number of cases when a private detective is hired to check on the spouse.

Pre-marital contracts are also becoming more common among people who want to keep their assets out of their spouse’s reach in any divorce. Almost six out of 10 women say in a survey that they are not submissive, while two-thirds believe they could live without men.

The changing female attitude is, of course, only half the cause.

The other is the man sticking to a traditional view that it is his right as head to leave the babies and household work to his working wife. One in two women here have a job.

The social impact is a growing number of single women, especially university graduates.

A growing minority is marrying Westerners.

This has prompted a newspaper reader to urge her well-educated peers to revisit some the traditional feminine traits.

Her letter followed reports that more Singaporeans, including young professional males, were turning abroad for brides.

She said she had worked in Vietnam and found the girls there feminine, their speech melodious.

“They work hard without complaining, carrying loads of cloth and vegetables in the market stalls and food places. Simple, gentle and hardworking, it's hard not to fall in love with them,” she added.

As for the Malaysian ladies, she finds them “neither loud nor argumentative, (but) pander to the boys' needs. Not as doormats, but as cheerful assistants, who see it as their obligation to help their men without expecting anything in return.

“Not that they are stupid - oh, no, the Malaysian girls I know are smart and hardworking, with careers of their own.

“But when it comes to matters of the heart, they play the docile, giggly girlfriend with as much aplomb as their Vietnamese counterparts. Again, it's easy to see where their attraction lies.”

In contrast, the Singapore girl is twice as likely as her Malaysian or Vietnamese counterpart to stride away in a huff or throw water in the male's face or hold a public screaming or crying fit.

“The Singapore girl debates and argues impassionedly. She wants to win at all costs and treats her love conquests like those fought in the office arena. She may be pretty, yes, smart, yes, but, oh, so demanding.”

The Singapore girl, in short, is a challenge to love, she added.

Although she may, at the end of the day, be a supportive and faithful spouse, the barbs hiding her soft interior are daunting to the suitor.

“She is materialistic, and loves being so. Shopping is a major hobby, and looking good is absolutely essential. The man is but another accessory, a helper, chauffeur, bag carrier.”

There are, however, some 200,000 men who have a poor education and a low salary. Their prospect of marrying a Singapore girl is slim.

One emotional man said online: “I’m fed up with life. Can’t even find a date let alone a wife.” For him and the rest, salvation lies in Vietnam or China.

-------

I don't know about you, but rarely have I read an article in a major paper so full of broad sweeping statements. It's insane. And offensive.

And rarely have so many thoughts jammed their way through my brain, screaming to be written down. I swear I could write a mean thesis based on this article. I could literally argue point to point against this article.

I'm not going to argue about whether that article is true or not. I'm not Singaporean and therefore do not have any experience with Singaporean girls. Maybe there are like that, who knows ? But I'm inclined to think that it's not all true. If it is, then doom on them.....

Yes, I have quite a few things to say, as per usual when I am appalled.

When you read this kind of thing, how can you argue when women consider all men (especially local men) to be insipid, insecure, chauvinistic assholes. *shakes head*

I can't say much about the typical Singaporean woman, or any typical woman for that matter. I do believe one thing, a bitch is a bitch whether she is educated or successful or some stuck up factory worker from Kapit. A bitch is a bitch. Where she comes from or what she does or where she went to school is irrelevant.

I sometimes wonder out loud about Iban women too. But the worse of them aren't successful or well educated. You don't have to be smart to be stuck up.

And what's this thing about "Better education has also led to the woman being perceived as too ambitious, self-centred and materialistic, not qualities that promote romance." Does a girl have to be a country bumpkin to be a good wife ? I guess that depends on what kind of wife you want.

If what the article say is true than I feel sorry for my own sex. If a man can't be comfortable with a dynamic, highly educated, high achieving woman, whose problem is that ?

I honestly can't understand. The absolute best times I've had with women are with the ones who were upfront, confident and yes, highly educated. And achievement ? BIG plus. Imagine the stories she could tell. Happily, I have known some fabulous, well educated, well travelled women in my time.

Personally, I like a woman who can match me word for word in conversation. Trust me when I say that I can be a blabbermouth.

Personally, I would be so lucky if I was to have a girlfriend who is both better paid and better educated than me. I would be so proud.

One could argue that a woman like that wouldn't have anything with regular, local guys like myself and would rather galivant with some white guy. Well, if she measures me up with what things I own, what my net worth is or will be, what qualifications I have, what my ride is, what country I come from etc etc.....

.....she can go to hell. I'm not going to waste time with a shallow, materialistic bitch like that. See ? Bitch. Nothing to do with education there.

One more thing, I'm not unique with my preferences about women. My mom doesn't talk much about marriage and wives, but when she does she always tells us one thing.

Get a wife who works a day job. A good day job preferably.

Why ? Because during hard times they will be two of us who can support each other. And if worse come to worse and if something terminal happens to me for example, she can still support herself and our kids (if any) and go on living as opposed to being totally helpless.

See ? Total opposite of what the article says.

I have another thought.

I may naive when I say this but when it comes to relationships, I work on the premise that if she likes me then she'll make time to hang with me, go out of her way for me and tolerate my habits, good and bad.

I know that's what I'd do when I like someone. I'm sure I'm correct when I say this is true about everyone. I'm damned sure.

After all it's common sense, you can't get the girl/boy you like to like you by being an asshole/bitch right ?

In the end, you know what the problem really is ? People and their unrealistic expectations. We should make allowances for imperfections. I think that's why people have such a hard time finding a partner, myself included.

In the article, it seems to mention women who prize material success and status as opposed to what really matters ie the person himself. If she can't see that, then she doesn't deserve a good man. Harsh, but fair.

It also mentions men who are intimidated by the woman being so-called above him. If he is such an insecure prick, then it's his own fault and he doesn't deserve a woman at all. This type of men embarass me. Unfortunately, I know some guys who are like that and I'm deeply ashamed.

And it mentions people who can't balance between career and private life and other people who aren't in touch with reality. Also, the apparently it features the ubiquitous Asian man who wants a maid instead of a wife but can't tell the difference.

Why are there still people like this in the 21st century ?

Sadly, I must tear myself away from the computer because I'm sweaty and I need to take a shower. And I haven't had dinner yet.

I'm suddenly thinking, wouldn't this be a great conversation topic ?

Currently Listening to Here In My Bedroom Goldfinger Goldfinger

Money Stuff

This morning, I have this strange unsettled feeling in my stomach. I don't like it. It could be an adverse reaction to work. Happily, I only have to endure three days of it. And my boss is on leave until next Monday. How I envy him.....

I'm still tired from the long week last week. I need a break. Unfortunately no chance of that happening anytime soon. Too much work to do. I might actually have to scrap my plans for Sunday since there is a possibility I might get a call back. Plus someone is asking for a replacement next week. I don't know whether I want to do it or not. Probably not. I need my chill out quality time.

I'm tired. I'm kinda stressed out. Come March, I'm going to take a longish break, hopefully.

Look at that, I'm talking about March already. How time flies faster and faster, faster even than last year. And last year was faster than the year before that. The older I get the faster time flies. What's up with that ? What changes the perception of time ? It's not like I've had any big change of pace over the last few years, so it can't be that.

Sometimes, I get the feeling like I'm running out of time to do all the stuff that I want to do. That's probably not true. It's just perception.

This is not a complaint. I'm just wondering.

In other happenings, there is hope that the last months of this year will see a HUGE change in my routine. Excuse me while I take a flight of fancy.

Imagine a career shift so massive that it will take away one of life's big concerns i.e money. How freeing would it be ? If it does happen, I will be taking a LOOONG sabbatical. Maybe two months. I like that thought. I I could go travelling solo. I've never done that before, ever.

One of my ambitions is to run my own business concern. The end of this year I could be doing exactly that. I'm kinda excited. I'm fully ready to accept the fact that it might not work out (again) but I'm still excited.

But does the removal of money concerns a gateway to a freer life ? By itself, no. Money can't buy freedom, at least not in this sense. But it can help if I live right. It really helps being a low-cost, simple guy.

My cousin and I were talking about it. He asked me,"How much would our lives change if it did work out ?" We thought and discussed long into the night. The verdict ? Probably not much will change. We'll still keep the same friends, hang out at the same places, read the same books, play the same games. We'll travel a bit more and further away and I'll drive a slightly flashier car but essentially we'll be the same guys.

I'm not much for materialism. I'm not really interested in the acquisition of status symbols and other outward signs of poshness. I'm much too rebellious for that kind of life, I hope. The real comfort of having more financial clout is the security that it can bring, not the money itself. It's not about being rich, it's about being safe.

It wasn't always like that.

When I was younger and just out of college, I too wanted all the trappings of success. I too wanted the flash cars, the jewels, the seaside bungalow and the acknowledgement of being successful. We labored long and hard. But in the end, we got nowhere. I left and settled into a new job.

And here I am.

It's a good thing that this could happen now rather than before, when I was much younger and therefore less sure of myself. "Success" can ruin a person. I'm sure we've seen it happen.

So now, I keep my fingers crossed, my head down and my wits about me. Hopefully, this time it will happen instead of just petering out. Hopefully.

Nothing Deep Here

I watched Constantine yesterday night. It was good. I liked it alot. I might even watch it again, Keanu Reeves notwithstanding.

He's not exactly a personal favourite. There are many others better looking and better actors than him who aren't as high up in the A list. Like David Boreanaz. I didn't like him at first either, but that was just petty jealousy. I think he would've made an excellent John Constantine, as long as he doesn't use his crap Angel Irish accent.

Despite some rude comments on some forums, Constantine is good. I'm not sure how close it is to the comic though. I haven't read any of it. I do know that John Constantine is supposed to be a scouser, that's one thing.

Personally it would've been more interesting and darker if Constantine was set in England.

Another plus for this movie is Rachel Weisz. She's cool. I like her. A funny thing happened while I watched the movie. I actually forgot who Rachel was. The whole time I was wracking my brain going "Who the hell is she ? She looks SO familiar..." Rachel is a better actor than Keanu, definitely.

I'm getting old.

Another note on Constantine, brush up on your Catholic Christian general knowledge to get max value. It also helps to know what the Spear of Destiny is.

On the whole, I like this movie. A good story with some genuinely frightening moments. Go and watch.

I suddenly thought how great would it be if they made a Buffy movie and made the demons look like they did in Constantine. That would rock. I would pay good money to see a dark Buffy movie. Demonic, gothic dark, not bonking-Spike-Season-6 dark.

Personally I think if they did make a Buffy movie, the big bad should be a vampire again. Good to go back to basics. And even better if Amy Acker comes back as Illyria ! Oh yes !!

I have another thought. I'm trying to download Buffy Season 7 now and when I'm done, I want to make a Top 10 Buffyverse fight scene anthology. Yes, ten of the best fights in Buffy.

Part of what makes Buffy so great to watch are the fight scenes. I haven't finalized what the final ten would be and how to rank them, but it would definitely include:-

Buffy vs Faith - Season 3, Ep. 55, Graduation Day Part 1 - Slayer showdown. Fight to the death. Buffy stabs Faith with a large, ornate knife. Who can resist ?
Buffy vs Faith - Season 4, Ep. 71, This Year's Girl - They almost completely destroy Buffy's house while fighting. The most vicious fight in the history of the show. I love it.
Buffy vs nine vampires - Season 5, Ep. 88, Into the Woods - She takes them all out within 15 seconds.
Angel vs Riley - Season 4, Ep. 76, The Yoko Factor - Two boys fight over a girl. Dumb, but fun to watch.
Buffy vs Angel - Season 2, Ep. 33, Becoming Pt 2 - Swords !
Buffy vs Caleb - Season 7, Ep. 143, End of Days
Buffy vs M'Fashnik demon - Season 6, Ep. 104, Flooded - Well shot and well choreographed. And Buffy is wearing a long skirt.
Buffy vs Sunday - Season 4, Ep. 57, The Freshman

So far those fights stand out. They are cool.

I'm bored again. It's obvious isn't it.

And talking about downloading, I find myself suddenly needing to know how to read Spanish, Danish and German. Why ?

All the English language torrent sites are getting shut down. So now I need to get my stuff off non-US based sites. Happily enough, I happen to know a smidgen of German and Spanish. Still, any excuse is a good excuse to learn a foreign language right ?

In other news, despite the somewhat weepy post-Valentine's Day entry, I'm ok. Sometimes these thought come back but I know that and I'm ready to deal when it does. I'm taking a break from the whole thing. Not in a good state of mind to (attempt to) start a relationship. Or for that matter, even new platonic relationships with women. It's still too hard to accept when it doesn't work out. I guess I'm still a little raw inside.

So far, things are ok. A little dull, but ok.

Currently Listening to Wasted Goldfinger Disconnection Notice

Another Angst Trip

It had to happen. No way I can get past Valentine's Day without getting at least a wee bit emotional. So if you're the type who think guys who are emotional are pathetic, then stop right now, leave and take your snide remarks with you. You have been warned.

I'm posting another picture of the sky because:-
- I like the sky. It's blue and quite pleasing to look at when the weather is good. Or even when the weather is not so good.
- I didn't take any pictures that are any good the last few days and I didn't go anywhere today so no new pictures.

I noticed a good number of blogs with song lyrics today. And there is actually a good reason why I posted my song lyric.

That song explains how exactly I feel about love as a whole. The words are perfect. I could never express myself that clearly about something as abstract as love, not in a million years. Being a rushed typist and a sometimes crappy speller doesn't help.

So why confuse myself writing when there's a song that says the exact same thing in less than four minutes right ?

I was blog surfing and I came upon a post that really, really struck me. Lots of uncensored truth in that post.

"The same people who are most cynical about love and marriage are the people who want it most"

That is so true. There's that craving, and yet you can sate it. And it kills to feel that. I can deny and pretend until the cows come home, tell myself everything is okay and I don't need to be in love or don't need someone to be in love with me.

I'm right too. I don't NEED it. Live goes on, I go to work, I hang out with my many friends, I blog, I play games and surf the net, watch my DVDs. No NEED to be with anyone in particular there.

I don't need. I WANT. I'm tired of being all alone here. I'm not talking about physically lonely either.

I want someone who loves me whom I can love back. I want to burn for someone who burns for me just as much. Someone who's excited as I am when we meet, even if it is for something mundane like paying the phone bill.

I want to be with someone who talks to me and listens. Someone who will trust me for no other reason than she does. I want to be in love and have that love returned to me instead of the usual unrequited shit.

I want that. That is all.

Before I go on, please don't tell me to enjoy singlehood and that it's not a bad thing. I KNOW that. I've mentioned this before. I'm more interested in the how more than the what.

That is not the problem and never the problem. Me being single is irrelevant. Feeling alone and being single is not the same thing. The singlehood is not what hurts. It's the loneliness and not the kind that can be cured by being with your friends and your family. And trust me when I say it can be deafeningly silent in my world. I want that silence broken.

By the way, how to remove that loneliness ? Is there another way aside from being in a good relationship ? Or is that even part of the solution to begin with ? What should I do ? How can I make myself NOT feel like this ? Can someone tell me ?

I'm not cynical about love. Sometimes I do feel like that, but more out of anger and frustration at the time more than anything else. I get pissed off at how stupid the whole thing can be. I like someone, she doesn't like me. She likes me, I don't like her the same way despite trying to. I get hurt and I hurt other people.

It's an endless circle and seems like it's totally pointless. It's stupid and I don't understand why it's so hard for me.

But big picture, I'm not cynical. I see my friends. I see my colleagues at work and my neighbours. I know it can work. I know there can be a good conclusion. Happiness happens. And I'm glad for them.

But I do feel the envy. I wonder where I go wrong. I wonder how they do it. What makes it tick ? How can I not ? Did I not put in effort ? Did I not try my level best ? Did I not have the best intentions ? Or am I not good enough ? Are they better than me ? What ?? How ??

Yes, I think it's unfair. It's unfair when I try SO hard and have nothing to show for it. It's unfair when I fall in love with someone and then lose her to someone else who just happened to walk by. Does it make me a bad person to feel bummed and left out when things like these happen ? Do I sound ungrateful ? If so, then yes I am a bad person. What can I say ? I'm not a saint, my patience is not unlimited, my faith not as strong.

If God listens to me, then I want to ask a little favor. If I was never meant to be with anyone, if I was supposed to me by myself in this world then please take my desires away. Why put it there if it's not supposed to be fulfiled. Or maybe, I'm supposed to feel it. Punishment ? Cross to bear ?

Regardless, life goes on. I'm not thrilled to be alive, but neither am I terminally depressed. I have my gripes and I also have things that I'm happy to have. I'm okay. I'm not heartbroken and I'm not desperate. I've had worse days.

I'm not cynical about love. I believe it exists. Maybe not in my world, but it exists. Perhaps, God willing, I might do enough to deserve it one day. Who knows ? Maybe for once, I won't do something monumentally absurd and throw it all away.

If love exists in your world, then I'm glad for you. Have a nice day.

Would you ?

Nothing bitter here.

Here, a song for all of us. Find it if you can. Listen to it. It's beautiful.

That Kind of Love - Alison Krauss

Who would sell their soul for love?
Or waste one tear on compromise
Should be easy enough
To know a heartache in disguise

But the heart rules the mind
And the going gets rough
Pride takes the fall
When you find that kind of love

I can't help feeling like a fool
Since I lost that place inside
Where my heart knew its way
And my soul was ever wise

Once innocence was lost
There was not faith enough
Still my heart held on
When it found that kind of love

Though beauty is rare enough
Still we trust
Somehow we'll find it there
With no guarantee
It seems to me
At least it should be fair

But if it's only tears and pain
Isn't it still worth the cost ?
Like some sweet saving grace
Or a river we must cross

If we don't understand
What this life is made of
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love

Cause when innocence is lost
There is not faith enough
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love

Have a nice day.

Off Tomorrow

Oh God, I'm so knackered. But tomorrow will be a good day. For tomorrow I am not working. At last, I'm free ! I'm grateful though. Unlike a lot of people, I actually like my job and my colleagues and boss are nice people who aren't clueless and annoying. I'm lucky like that.

But still, I'm so tired these few days. It's been a tough Chinese New Year week.

I want to go out. Maybe visit some friends and check on my dad's car while it's been fixed. Maybe talk about computers, cars and women again. I haven't seen or talked to anyone outside my household for 5 days. It's weird.

I haven't seen the sun in days. Ok that's kinda exaggerated. But I feel like that. And how can I not ? I get off work at 7.00am and reach home at about 7.40-7.45. I turn on my PC, have breakfast, check my mail and play a game for about an hour. Before 9.00am I'm asleep. I wake up late evening, 4.00 or as in the last few days, 5.00pm. Eat something, shower and run out at about 6.00pm. Not much time at all to see the sun.

I'm on the verge of forgetting what afternoon looks and feels like.

And because I haven't been out, I have no new outdoor photos. Which is unfortunate since outdoor pics are my favourite kind.

I was surfing this morning and found a trailer for Intermedio. I want to watch this movie when it comes out. It's got Amber Benson in it. And also, Yellow Ranger ! And Ed Furlong. You might recognise him from Terminator 2. FYI, Intermedio is a horror movie.

I just noticed how many ex-Buffy people are doing horror type stuff these days. No need to talk about SMG, we all know what she's been doing. Then we had Eliza Dushku doing Wrong Turn, which was quite ok actually. She's also the lead for Tru Calling, and that one is supernatural too.

And now we have Amber doing Intermedio. And I hear Nick Brendon is doing one entitled Unholy and another called Slaughter Party.

What's up with all this horror ?

Anyway, it's all good. I admire all this people and look forward to all the things that they are going to do.

It's kinda obvious that I like movies, no ? I'll damn near watch anything. I'll even go alone.

Some of my friends like movies too, but some of these people don't want to pay to watch it in a cinema. No point they say. Too expensive they say. Better go and buy a crappy pirated VCD and watch it on my teeny-weenie 14" analog TV they say. Ok I guess that's fine by me. Whatever rocks your boat.

Me ? I like to see everything Big. And Loud. Happily I have other friends who like this too.

There's this magic about watching a movie on the big screen that I just can't describe. Plus, social activity. Watch movie, go supper and talk about movie. Fun !

Ok I'm so obviously bored now. Later then. Excuse me while I go and see what else is playing.

Advice

My dog passed away at around 6.00 this evening just as I was about to leave for work. He was 14 years old. I feel kinda bummed. At least he didn't feel too much pain and we only realised he was gone when we checked on him. He had been sick the whole week. Some kind of bone condition, so says my mom.

It'll be weird coming home later this morning. No dog to shoo away from the porch. Wherever he is now, I hope he's ok. At least he'll never have to worry about thunder and explosions from firecrackers. He hated those.

And now, we can let the other one out of his enclosure and let him have the run of the house. I wonder if he'll wonder where the other one went to. The two of them didn't get along too well.

Am still stuck at work. With not much real work to do. I was supposed to run some tests on a brand new server we just got, but I couldn't because the damn thing only had PCI-E & PCI-X slots and I have a boxful of PCI network cards. So no go. Bummer.

In lieu of anything useful to do at home, I've finally gotten around to burning my Buffy Season 6 avi files. I'm up to ep. 12 now. I brought some of the CDs with me today, so I actually watched those. Not so boring. And Season 6 ? Not so bad the second time around. Made more sense and I finally got why Buffy was behaving like she did.

Ok enough Whedon talk. It's lonely. I'm the only Buffy fan I know around here. I remember the same thing back when I was nuts about The X-Files (especially the first 3 seasons). I was the only one of the few who were really into it.

Oooh look ! Valentine's Day is coming soon (groan). It doesn't bother me that much, really. Not as bad as it used to.

But I can't lie. It's tough when I go around and notice all these reminders that you're single. Unwanted. Forgotten. Look at all the other normal people you freak, they're with their Significant Others. Where's yours ? Oh sorry we forgot, you're a socially inept, four eyed freak. You're doomed buddy. Doomed ! Muahahahaha !!!!

Ok it's not like that actually. That was just me being a drama king. But for the record, sometimes that is what I hear in my head sometimes. Sometimes it's hard not to listen. It makes me sad.

And also for the record, please don't tell me that being single is ok and there's nothing wrong with it. I KNOW that. And yet there it is, the gnawing pangs. I so desperately need a lobotomy. Or weed. Or a good smack in the back of the head. Preferably with something heavy. And made of metal.

I want so much to be ok and write about how ok and cool everything is for the sake of my friends and all those nice people that read this and leave comments. I feel guilty when I listen to all the advice and read all the comments and NOT feel better. It's almost as if I'm not trying hard enough, like it's my fault that things can't get better. Maybe it is. I can't rule that out.

For the record again, I'm not really depressed right now. I'm just preparing for the inevitable decline in mood that the 2nd week of February will bring.

I'm not bitter. I refuse to be. I wish to feel good about those people I know that do have a reason to get excite about next week. In the spirit of the occasion, I will dispense some advise of my own. Nothing definitive or profound, just results from my own observations.

If you're in a relationship that works, be grateful. There are other people who would kill to have what you have. Please take care of each other. What you have is rare. Don't treat each other as conveniences that come when needed and disappear when not.

Learn to talk to each other. About everything. Be open and remember that neither one of you are perfect and unblemished. We all have skeletons in our closets and have done and said things that we're not proud off. Tell. Before he/she hears it from someone else, tell.

Learn to communicate. If you're not feeling good, not in the mood, say so. Don't expect your partner to suddenly be psychic and be able to read your mind. That mind reading and knowing what people feel without saying a word shit is all trashy romance novel fairytale crap.

Listen. Learn how to pay attention without being a smart ass know-it-all. Remember your relationship is about two people, not just you. You're not always the hero of the play. Sometimes you can be that person who pulls the curtains up and down.

If you want someone and she/he says no, bail. Go away and never come back. No means no. All that shit about persistence ? Also a steaming pile of crap. Chances are, when someone makes up his/her mind about you, they probably won't change it. No need to waste six years before you finally get it. No means No. Besides, NO ONE likes a pushy desperate person. So save yourself the heartache. If she/he wants to just be friends, he/she will call you.

If you like somebody and realize that you don't have a shot, don't say anything. Why ruin a good thing, especially when you are friends. Save yourself the disappointment. Unless you actually like to hear the word No and enjoy being rejected.

And finally, if things don't work out don't blame the entire gender. No one has a monopoly on suffering, heart break and pain. Both sides are capable of ripping out the still beating heart of the other and stomping on it. Both sides can lie and manipulate. Both sides have their share of predators and hapless losers. And both sides have their share of saints and angels.

Remember that.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Road Rant

I'm at work again. Three nights left. I'm trying to psyche myself up by thinking about the extra money I'm making with all this extra work. So far, it's not working. I still feel like going home and curling up in my perpetually dark bedroom.

Damn. Oh well. And since I'm at work and have nothing interesting to do I shall now ramble lengthily. I hope you all will enjoy reading it, heh.

I read many blogs. Everyday. Many times during the day. Sometimes I read stuff that I vehemently disagree with. The kind of posts and comments that make me want to go "Now look here. That's NOT how it works."

Except I never really express disagreement much. Mostly out of politeness and the fact that I try to remember that the blogger/commenter is expressing an opinion and not actively trying to provoke a reaction. Also most of the time, internet arguments aren't really worth participating in. Although I admit, there are fun to read.

Just check out the IMDB boards. Look for any of those "something" vs "something" threads and I guarantee laughter aplenty. And sometimes some very interesting points. The most fun ones I've read recently are the Blade vs Angel thread on the Blade Trinity forum and the Aishwarya Rai vs Angelina Jolie thread on the Aishwarya Rai forum. Fun !

Anyway, I must admit sometimes I don't get it when people disagree with me on certain things. Human nature I guess, I sometimes forget that what is true for me might not be true for others. And so, I resolve to let differences lie and enjoy the fact that we DO have different opinions and we don't have to agree about everything to be friends.

However having said that, I do enjoy a good discussion. So as usual, feel free to disagree with me. Or agree with me even. On whatever thing.

--------------------------------------------

In other news, I read a heartening news item in the Sarawak Tribune about road safety. For the third time in I think 6 months, the cops are mulling a so-called speed range for certain roads instead of just a mere speed limit. Why ? Two words.

Slow poke road hogs. Ok that was four words. Slow drivers can cause accidents and are more dangerous than most people think. Also, it's just rude to hold everyone else up just because you want to drive at 40km/h on a two lane suburban road during rush hour where it's impossible to overtake.

How many times have we gone at 90km/h, switch lanes from the middle to the right, only to find a Kancil there going at 40km/h (Cue sudden braking and unwanted adrenalin rush). Why do people do that ? The Fast Lane is called The Fast Lane because that's where people drive fast. Doh ! Hence the name. Don't these people feel anything when there's someone right behind them flashing their highlights ?

People, friends, strangers, driving slowly DOES NOT guarantee your safety. Despite what what daddy says.

From my own experience, I've had more trouble involving slow vehicles than quick ones. Like bikes. I much prefer quick bike riders (as opposed to annoying bike riders. That's a whole different vibe.) I don't have to worry about bashing into one as I try to pass because quick riders are usually quicker than me. And it's actually safer for them to go quickly because of their lack of size. How many times have anyone driven along Matang Road and have a kapchai drift into the MIDDLE of your lane making it impossible to overtake ? Or worse, when there's TWO of them in the middle of the lane and having a roaring chat. (I hate this. Call it a peeve)

So viewers, if you don't want to drive fast at least stay on the left. If you want to stay in the middle or the fast lane then please put some more pedal down. Despite its rep, a Kancil is actually a very quick, agile car if driven properly. You'd be surprised (don't ask how I know).

I actually have some more driving stories and facts. For instances, notice how more regular, normal people kil/maiml themselves in accidents and NOT the racer dudes (as opposed to Ah Beng racer wannabes, different vibe again). Why is that ?

And the most useful safety tip I've ever received was not from a cop/gov official/parent/driving instructor. I got it from an illegal drag racer.

You see "bad" people are sometimes less bad than "good" people. But these stories are for another day.

Plans

While many other people I know are settling down to a week of celebration and of being away from work, I'm settling down to five more nights of it.

I'm going to have a 14 hour day today. Suddenly, Sunday seems so far away. It feels like it's out of reach right now. And to make today much more tiring, I had to send my brother to the airport before I came to work. I didn't have any time to rest at all.

And I think Streamyx is down again at home. I couldn't get online while I was at home. I have a bad feeling it'll be down for a while. Drat.....

And yet, I'm not that surprised.

My cousin got married today. The service was this morning. I'm not sad about it. It's cool. I only wished they'd done it during another time instead of Chinese New Year, seeing as the rest of my department is Chinese which means that I'm replacement guy during CNY. Which is usually okay since I score major overtime.

But it would've been nice if was there. It would mean a lot to a lot of people. I'll even try to be sociable.

Yes, I'm kinda upset that I have to be here at work.

In fact, I just deleted four paragraphs of this post. Something I wrote about unfairness and stuff like that. I felt it was a little too angst ridden to be published.

I'm not that bitter. Sometimes I am, but usually I'm alright. Provided that I don't get reminded that I suck at relationships with women and that I'm about 8 years behind schedule careerwise. Usually I'm ok (I hope)

Which reminds me of yet another drainside conversation I had with a bunch of buddies. One of them was worried that he can't achieve his so-called target when he reaches 30. There's a whole bunch of things that he wants to have and a certain living condition that he must be in for it to be a success.

How many of us have this kind of "before 30" plan ? I know I did. Guess what ? The so-called "plan" is officially shelved.

I'm pass 30 but none of the so-called "conditions" of the plan were fulfilled. I'm not settled down with a house in the suburbs with a car, a government servant wife and 1.7 children. I'm not even close to being "stable". I don't have 6 figures tucked away in the bank. I don't have much in the way of assets, liquid or otherwise.

So when measured up using the usual local stereotype of a thirty something, yes I screwed up majorly. It was frightening to be 25 and see all those plans not working out. I understood how my friend felt.

A PC response is probably much wailing and the wearing of rags. And one of the things that I don't like about our society is how people are supposed to make a big show of remorse, especially when you fail at something. Let me ask, for whose benefit is this show ? My parents often ask me when things go wrong in my life,"Don't you care. You look like you don't even care." as if they're expecting me cry, have anxiety attacks and not eat or go out for weeks (or something like that). But when things get messed as they do, what can I possibly do about something that I can't control ? I'm digressing and this topic is for another post.

And yet at 30, I felt a lot lighter than when I was 25. Despite not having the plan succeed, I felt a lot better as if a burden had been lifted.

Since my old plans didn't work out am I going to have a new plan ? A new thing to shoot for ? Not yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to bother. Is that bad ? Is having a life roadmap absolutely essential ?

One thing about plans that I've learnt over the years is to not make them. At least not very detailed ones with timeline and everything, like I used to do when I was in school. I think rough ideas are ok but plans tend to get FUBARed before you could start (at least the ones I make anyway). Yes, the Fates love to toy with lives, especially mine (at least it feels like that).

And what of the future ? Don't know yet. One big mistake (and how many of those have I made) I made when I was fresh out of school was to live life in the future, hence the endless worrying and the excessive wondering about "what-if".

So at the moment I'm letting the future stay in the future and the present stay present. No plans whatsoever for me. There are a few things that need fixing, but I like to think that my life is not so bad right now.

Update:-

It's pass midnight so Happy New Year to all of us. My God, at midnight just now Tabuan Jaya sounded like downtown Fallujah (without the tracers and people getting shot obviously).

Isn't it funny how firecrackers are illegal and yet so many people have them ?

Currently Listening to Decision Goldfinger Open Your Eyes

Another Venting Post

I DIDN'T forget to bring my camera to the office today. I merely forgot to charge the batteries.....

Another cousin is getting married in a few days. Congratulations to her. It's great. I got invited but I can't make it because of work. I would've liked to attend.

Maybe it's a good thing, me not being able to attend. I know my cousin wouldn't appreciate having an energy sucking black hole of depression sitting in the dining hall. As much as I'd like to, I can't guarantee that I won't be that black hole.

Am I being a selfish bastard for failing to feel happy for the bride & groom ? No. I am happy for them. Marriage is a good thing. At least for these two people, at least one problem is solved. May they be blessed and live happily. Good for them.

I wish one day I'd be able to attend a wedding or an engagement or for that matter, any kind of gathering that celebrates the union of two people without feeling sorry for myself, without being haunted by questions that I can't answer and without feeling like I've failed in some big way.

I wish one day I could be there and be a great guest instead of needing therapy the next day. I wish being alone didn't bother me as much as it does. God knows how stupid I feel and God knows how embarassing this is to me.

I'm so screwed up inside.

What can I say about all that ?

I'm trying to be better about it. I'm trying to figure out stuff. I'm trying to let go off a need that won't be fulfilled anytime soon. So far so good, at least I've managed to keep all this internal. No one outside this blog knows that I feel the way I do sometimes.

I hate how feeling lonely screws you up so badly that you can't fix it yourself, short of having a section of your brain removed. It's like trying to borrow money from a finance institution. You can only borrow money only if you can prove that you don't need it.

In the same way, the cure to loneliness seems to be apparent only those who aren't alone.

Ok that's enough.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sounding like a crazy person. I'm sorry. And seriously though, I hope that the wedding reception will be great and a lot of people will attend and that they will enjoy. More than that I hope they will be happy, all of them.

To help get people's minds off this, I bring more news about Kota Gelanggi.

Update:-

Oh bloody hell, I've just realised that some actual, real friends of mine will be reading this. I'm probably going to get a whole bunch of weird looks on Monday evening......

I suddenly feel awkward.

But the no edit policy stays, weird looks be damned. People have rights to their opinions and if some of my friends think this is weird/pathetic/dumb/lame, then so be it.

In the News

I got off work early this morning and took a glorious photo of the sky. It was after sunrise and there were clouds blocking the sun. I could see streaks of light coming from the edges of the cloud formation. I'd post that pic here.

Except I forgot to bring my camera.

I'm pretty absent minded right now. Last night at work, I was supposed to delay something for a few hours. I remember that I was supposed to do that during the Friday night shift. Which is fine, except that until I received a call from our US office asking me about it, I thought yesterday was Thursday. Oooopss! Cue one sheepish apologetic e-mail sent to lots of people.

So before I forget, I would like to share some stuff I read in the paper recently.

I like to read the paper. I like opinion/editorial columns and letters from the public most of all. I also like reading foreign newspapers. Not the physical paper since I don't think the New York Times, the LA Times and the Santa Rosa Press Democrat deliver to Kuching.

Anyway, it's good to know what's going on in other faraway places. The one thing I learn from all of that is that people are fundamentally the same everywhere. Really they are.

Ok, there's this exciting news about the discovery of Kota Gelanggi. According to some, it predates the Malacca Sultanate. According to others, it might as old as a thousand years old, predating even the Lembah Bujang site in Kedah. Discovering something new is exciting. But rediscovering something old is maybe even more exciting. To me for sure, probably due to a childhood fascination with archeology.

Which reminds me, I don't really know all that much about local history now that I think about it.

But isn't this exciting ? Even in this day and age, there are things out there in the jungle that still need to be found. All those ruins and artefacts and relics, imagine the stories they could tell.

I for one, will be following the ongoing tale of Kota Gelanggi very closely. I'm betting they'll find heavy Hindu/Buddhist influences.

In other news, the blog pirate saga is over. The offending blog has been shut down. The blog pirate in question had some real major issues, probably attention related. Very obvious if you read her "interests" in the sidebar.

Impersonating people ? Does she not know the potential for trouble this interest of hers might have ? What if she messed up someone else's life badly enough to incur a potentially violent reaction ? Who's fault would it be if she got hurt ?

Why was she like that ? It was almost as if she enjoyed getting negative attention. Even worse, she appeared to like knowing that what she was doing was getting on people's nerve.

Suddenly, I'm curious about what she's going to do now.

Sickened

I got sick yesterday, right after I posted my last entry. I'm better now, but I still feel kinda shitty. Plus, I'm at work so double crap.

It's the most irritating thing. I'm sick enough to FEEL it (sore throat, runny nose, hi temperature) but NOT sick enough to skip work. I hate that stuck-in-middle kind of illness that may cause some less competent doctors to suspect that you're making it up just to score an MC.

But here I am anyway. This week will be very, extremely long. Three nights, then 24 hours off then five more nights. That's EIGHT nights of work with one (effectively half) day off in the middle. However, the extra nights equal 72 hours of regular overtime and 24 hours of public holiday overtime.

I'm going to be loaded by the middle of next month. I hope this'll be worth it.

Right now, Photojerk is not working properly so I can't post any pictures. Dammit.

It's not all bad though.

I'm currently enjoying a real gem of a musical find. Goldfinger !!

I downloaded several albums worth of stuff yesterday. They are Brilliant. I love how they mix punk with ska. On certain songs they sound like old skool Greenday. In other songs they sound like early No Doubt with a male vocalist and more edge.

Apart from me getting ill and me pirating music off the internet, not much else is going on.

That could all change soon. Last night I was hanging out with friends, despite feeling not really up to it.

We were talking about life and what we were doing with ours and inevitably the topic turned to women. As usual, this usual gets very complicated.

See, one of my friend is feeling rather jaded right now about basically everything. I think he feels he's plateauing, like there's nothing new and the things that he's doing now won't matter in th long run. I know how he feels. Been down that road before. And of course, he's feeling kinda jaded about women.

Then another friend said,"When you go out with women, you are not necessary looking for your soulmate. She doesn't have to be perfect for you to enjoy each others' company. All it takes is for both of you to want that."

Simple, yet elegantly true.

It is a joy to be out with somebody without asking the why's and wheretofores of her being there. Not everything has to be so serious. I guess when you do ask these things you are looking for a soulmate, whether you want to admit it or not.

Of course if it doesn't work out it will suck. But it's good to go back to basics and just have fun with no strings attached.

How often do I forget that ?

Which reminds me of another thing I like to say. The more desperately you want something, the less likely you are to get it.

And that's how the cookie crumbles.....

Currently Listening to My Head Goldfinger Hang Ups

Doppelgangland

A friend of mine had her blog entry stolen ! Bloody hell !! Let us consider the evidence.

On the 27th of December, 2004 my friend post this entry. A mere two days later, that entry appeared here. You have to scroll down a little, it's a two part post. Notice how there is no acknowledgment whatsoever.

Now, I would be flattered to find a blog entry I wrote to be considered good enough to grace someone else's blog PROVIDED that the proper acknowledgments are made first.

Kids, stealing is not cool. If you absolutely MUST rip an entry from someone else's blog, please inform the author. Most people would be pleased to have their entry posted somewhere else. But we all know that. Well, at least most people do.

But really, why would anyone steal a blog entry ? Is it SO hard to write your own ? Okay, fair enough I used to think that it was hard at first too. But it's really not.

Ok let's say you have absolutely NO idea what to write. You could either not write...Or you could do this:-

Dear diary/LiveJournal/Blogger/Blogdrive/etc blog,

I didn't do anything today. Except watch Buffy. Again. That Glorificus, what a skank. If I were Buffy I'd tear her clothes off, point and laugh at her lopsided ass. Sure she's a Hellgod and she could squash Buffy like a bug. Sure she's indestructible. But I bet her clothes aren't...

And what's up with Dawn ? Why does she whine and whine and whine and whine ? I don't remember myself or anyone else for that matter, being that whiny at 14.

No wait, I do know some people who were like that.

Whining is bad. See, Dawn whined so much Buffy couldn't take it anymore. She jumped off a tower, came back from the dead three months later, got really depressed and pouted for the entire season 6 and had raunchy sex with a vampire she hated on national television (children, necrophilia is BAD. Really.)

See, that's what happens when people whine too much.

Then again, it's probably Buffy's own fault. If I were her, I'd push Dawn of the tower instead. There, no more whining.

But, that's just me.

See ? Not hard at all. Why would anyone steal a blog entry ?

But people are strange. There's your blog entry pirates, then there's your class-conscious blogging elitists who would thumb their noses up at people who don't write "serious" blogs that focus on current issues and politics. Some go as far as to say that a blog is not a blog unless it follows a certain layout "formula", is posted solely for the purpose of being an attention whore soliciting hits and is inundated with links about news, news and yet more news.

But more on this later. It pisses me off to think about that now and I have a headache which is making me all bad moody.

Lunch at Bishopgate

I had lunch at a coffeeshop at Bishopgate today with Diana and Jane. I haven't met Diana in years. Jane and I've never met. She's nice.



Diana's very sweet. Unfortunately she wouldn't let me take any pictures of her. But if I did you'd agree that she's the cutest thing anyone ever saw. She'd never admit it, but she is cute. Extremely even. She's changed. A little more sophisticated, a little more wordly now. She's leaving for Labuan in a less than two weeks and her work will take her around the world, hopefully. She's going to lead quite a life.

Her boyfriend is very lucky. Very very lucky. I'm sure he knows that.

I'm lucky too. I know many women who are adventurous, interesting and nothing like your demure, quiet Asian woman stereotype. It's a blessing I always forget to count. Unfortunately, many of them aren't here.

I met her years ago. I was working in Unimas and she was a student. She was just a kid then. I saw her around a lot but we never really hung out all that much. She was closer with my other friends, them being closer to her age.

Plus one time it got really awkward. You see, one of our friends thought that we'd make a good couple. So he tried to match us by using a typical Kuching method; he spread a rumor about us. She heard and called me about it. That was quite a shock I tell you.

Funny how attempts to put people together like that almost always result in people drifting away. After all that, I moved away from Unimas and never saw her again. Until last month.

Anyway, after lunch we had coffee.



It was great. Coffee, good conversation, pleasant afternoon. I should have more days like this. Seattle is the best place I know to have a conversation. The place is comfortable, quiet with just the right amount of light and NONE of that loud background music that seems to plague many of Kuching's hang-out places. What's up with that ?

Jane is pretty swell too. She's bright and can carry a conversation. I hope I will see her again. And in the excitement of the afternoon, I forgot to ask for her number. Doh !

That's the thing. I bet many women in Kuching are like that. I know in my gut, there are a good number of women in town I could talk to and who will actually like my company. How do I meet them ? You can't tell by just looking at them, that's for sure.

We talked for two hours. Two hours that sped by a little too quickly for my liking. We talked about jobs, men, women, food, haircuts, cameras, old friends, the crazy things that people do, music.

We said our goodbyes and here I am at home blogging about it.

Diana is leaving soon. I won't see her again for awhile. I will send mail and this blog's URL. I might get her to start her own. She will have many stories to tell once she begins travelling.

I hope we won't lose touch.



Currently Listening to Think Drowning Pool

Jellybeans !

I'm having a sakai moment as we speak.

It's after lunch and am tucking into a tub of jellybeans. They were given to us by a US colleague who arrived today. He also provided us with some absolutely luscious Lindt candy. Delicious.

I have never seen or eaten jellybeans before. Ever. Yes it's official. I. Am. A. Country. Bumpkin.

They're brilliant. So many colours and so many different flavors, including at least three different coffee flavors. All shaped like beans and made from jelly. I can't stop eating them. It's great! They should make prescription medication look and taste like this.

I wished I'd brought my camera. It' would've been my first food review.

Other than that, it's a typical Monday morning. I punch in and as soon as the clock strikes 8, the phones start to ring. And ring. And ring.

Despite the usual Monday morning madness, I've feeling rather chipper. And being busy is always good in the way it makes time rocket by like a burning Betty bomber plummeting towards its fiery demise on the surface of the Pacific Ocean.

I also had a Doh! moment early this morning. I woke up at 5.30am and was in such a rush to avoid traffic that I drove off and actually forgot to bring my hand phone. I swear, these days I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached to my neck. Or maybe I'm getting old.

Also worth noting is this hilarious post by Cayce (well, it was hilarious to me anyway for some reason which I don't know).

Would I go to a match-making gathering ? No I wouldn't. I could be the most desperate guy in town but I still wouldn't.

Not there's anything wrong with activities like that. It could be fun. It's a good way to meet new, interesting people, maybe even hook up with some. Provided there's enough variety of course.

Why wouldn't I go ? Pride that's why. I'm thinking maybe if I go, it would somehow confirm my suspicions that I'm too socially inept to set myself up and that I need help with it. Granted it might be true but even then I wouldn't want to admit it. I'm not sure if I'm saying this right.

For the record, I know that thinking like that is very silly. There's nothing wrong with this and I shouldn't be thinking like that.

And of course there's the stigma among my studly friends who keep forgetting that I'm not them and therefore do not have their good looks, social graces and physical presence (while not essential, these attributes make social interactions easier). I value my friends' opinions and to have them disprove and look at me funny would sting. I don't know whether I could deal with that.

In reality, they probably wouldn't look at me funny (at least not all of them). It's probably my warped mind and my negative thinking. And perception as you know, shapes reality. Which is too bad for me.

Damn me and my issues.

That's all then. Excuse me while I go and finish my jellybeans.

The Things You Think You Want

So what kind of car would you like to have ? You know, if you didn't have to worry about paying for it.

That was a question my friend asked me yesterday while we were hanging out by the side of the drain in front of his house. That question isn't usually a stumper.

Except, yesterday it was.

I didn't know what car I wanted to have. Well I said it won't be an SUV, because I think SUVs are too big for me and they're hard to park.

I said it won't be any one of those luxury sports cars, especially those snazzy two seater ones. I like sedans. But I'm not really keen on Beamers and Mercs either. I'm not sure why.

My Iswara LMST is doing just fine. Could use a bit more horsepower, but I'm happy with it. One day maybe I'll be able to afford an Accord or a Civic or an Impreza or an Aveo or something similar.

The truth is I don't know. I don't know what kind of car I want to drive. In fact now that I think of it, I don't know what I really want.

I'm not just talking about material things. That list will never get shorter. For instance, I just got a camera. Next I want a 200Gb hard disk. After that, I want to to upgrade my car audio. And then later I might change something else, maybe another PC upgrade or another eletrical/electronic doodad. Maybe a GOOD guitar. No end there anytime soon.

I'm not really sure what else I want out of life.

Anyone remember about all those things we wanted to become when we were grow up ?

I wanted to be lots of things. I wanted to be a pilot because jet fighters and military aircraft fascinated me. I wanted to be an astronomer because I found astronomy fascinating too. I wanted to work in a zoo because I liked exotic animals. In fact, I still like exotic animals. And planes. And stargazing. Also archeology and paleanthology. And dinosaurs. And guns.

Ok ok I was a science nerd. I was good in Math and I liked Chemistry and Biology. There I admitted it. Hmm, I may have put a finger on why female types get repulsed by my presence.....

Anyway I'm digressing.

I'm lucky in a way that at least I got a job that was actually what I wanted to do (is that a valid sentence ? It sounds really clunky)

Now the question is : Now what ?

I have completed my education and have a decent job that pays for my lifestyle. Now what ?

I could study again. Get a degree. But I'm not keen on study. Yes it's a contradiction. I'm a science nerd who doesn't like school. If I did, it would have to be somewhere outside the country and something that's not computer related. But the bottom line is I don't feel like studying and doing things that I don't want tend to make me unhappy and pathetic. So scratch that.

I could get a new job. This might actually help. I'm working on it. But I sometimes wonder whether changing the job scenery will have any lasting benefits apart from better renumeration (hopefully). I mean people change jobs all the time and yet some of them remain as jaded as they've ever been. So maybe it's not the job.

I could get married. Absolutely out of the question. I have no potential partner and have not nearly enough money. That and plus related angst factor. With my luck, doing this could have fatal consequences. And no one should marry just because. That's like playing Russian roullete. You could get lucky. But how often does that happen ? With my luck, I'll end up with the Wrong person. Notice capital W.

I could travel. Yes, I want to do this. I want to go to Hawaii and wipe out spectacularly as I learn to surf. I want to go visit places like Borobudur, Macchu Picchu and the Pyramids of Giza, take pictures and post it on my blog. I want to visit my friend in DC and very possibly end up locking her out of her own house. Again. I want to go to England and watch a Conference League football game while hurling abuse at the ref.

Unfortunately, I'm not very rich and the collection of funds for my round-the-world frolic is going to take a while.

I'm not sure what I want. Can anyone be sure about what they want ?

National Treasure

Today I was very bored. Still bored right now actually.

Apart from doing more computer stuff, nothing happened today. This post would probably be boring too.

Oh yes I did catch National Treasure last night. That movie was surprisingly good. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

I love the little plot twist in the end. Treasure hunting movies have been done to death but this was really, really good. I mean clues based on history ? Fun.

Nicolas Cage was quite low key in this. I liked this too. I was expecting him to be all gung-ho and bombastic a-la Lara Croft but his character here is closer to his The Rock character.

I think he's an excellent actor.

Diana Kruger is in this too. She's quite the hottie and not a bad actress. I love her accent. One more big plus for this movie is the script. Quite funny in places and not at all speechy.

I guess I've been watching too many speechy epic movies.

Also featured here are Sean Bean (as the bad guy), Jon Voight and Harvey Keitel are in this movie too. All great people here.

Go and watch this movie and have a good time.

Hmm, I'm still bored....

Locked & Loaded

I tried to take pictures of myself today. I looked terrible.

Then again, I'm slightly hung-over, my unwashed hair is all over the place and I have a HUGE pimple on my right cheek. The fact that I somehow always look worse in photos doesn't help.

Or maybe it's the bad lighting in my room that's messing up the pics. Well, well. Looks like I've found myself something new to fiddle with.

FYI, this is the camera that I got yesterday, the Olympus Camedia C-370. It's a simple, no frills one. It should be enough for a beginner I hope.

As can be expected I've been shooting randomly in the last few hours. It's very fun. I accidentally took some very good shots too.



Like this one. I like the dark/bright thing going on there. It would've been sharper if I had gotten up and walked towards the fish deco thingie instead of zooming in.

All I need to do now is practise enough to actually get good shots on purpose. I took that picture when I went to see Florence last night.

Poor girl. She lost her handphone on Monday night. She's pretty broken up about it. It was a very good phone.

Anyways, perversely I was looking to see if being around her after so long would cause any angst-like emotions. Instead I got nothing.

Am I cured ? Let's not jinx ourself by declaring it just yet right ? I had fun last night, taking random pictures of everything and making stupid jokes.

On the whole yesterday was a pretty good day. I actually had a lot of things done.

In other totally unrelated news, I went to a that bookstore in Sarawak Plaza last night. I was reading through a combat aircraft mag when to my disappointment, I found out that the great F-14 Tomcat is being phased out of service and will be gone by 2007. They are being replaced by F/A-18s.

To think if I was bigger and didn't wear glasses, I might've found myself in an F-18.

I like planes. Especially military ones. I wanted to be an RMAF jet pilot before I found out I had to wear glasses. That was disappointing too.

Anyway I love the Cat. And not because Tom Cruise flew one in Top Gun. Bye Bye Cat.

Ok, excuse me while I go and charge my camera batteries....

Camera

What do you replace angst with ? A camera of course.

I bought a camera today.

Now I have to figure out what to do with it.

I'll post more later

Acting

I woke up this morning to find streamyx off line again. Looks like I'll be hot footing it to a cyber cafe again for awhile. I'm not surprised at all by this. At least I managed to complete all my downloads before the death of DSL..

I downloaded the Buffy Season 6 special features last night. It's great, but then again I'm extremely biased about Buffy so everything Buffy related is good. It's a thing, you know ?

Anyway, I especially love the musical episode featurettes. In fact I love featurettes in general. They tell you things about films, filming, direction, production, special effects, the writing process etc. I also like cast/director/producer commentaries for the same reason. Very, very educational. And also funny. For example, check out the cast commentary on The Grudge DVD. It was hilarious.

Sarah Michelle Gellar's a funny girl. She should do a comedy feature. She's also a brilliant dramatic actress. No one can pull off angst like Sarah can...

Another thing I picked up while watching DVD featurettes and the-making-of specials is how horrendously difficult acting really is. Imagine doing a role that requires you to be someone who has absolutely nothing in common with you.

I did some acting once, if you could call it that. I was 16 I think and it was a Boys' Brigade NCOs retreat. We were divided into groups and each group was supposed to write a short skit with a horror theme. I played a corpse. I had no lines, obviously.

I was terrified. I think if I had to to that now, I'd be looking forward to it actually.

As difficulty as acting is, I do find myself being tantalized by the idea of acting. It's one of those things that on starting level, seems almost possible for everyone to do. It;s only when you need to do a character that is nothing like yourself that it looks nearly impossible anyway.

I think so anyway. I'm a layman, don't ask me whether any of this is true or not.

In other news, I'm off work tomorrow. Therefore as a reminder to myself, I need to get my guitar fixed, complain to Telekom about Streamyx (again) and hunt for a camera.

And maybe later in the evening I could look up Florence and see what she's up to. Maybe I'll get angsty again and write another long, ranty post.

Update:-

Report logged to Streamyx Helpdesk. Now, lets see how long this takes.

Bla and Yet More Bla

I'm trying to write at the moment and I'm coming up all dry ice and hot air. I guess angst and pain do have some good side effects. One of which is to provide fodder for long ranty posts. And let's not forget tragic novels and emo song lyrics.

It's just occured to me that I've never really tried to write a cheery post before. In fact, I don't even know what it looks/sounds like.

So what can I say today ? Well, it's Monday and I just know that it's going to be a long, excruciatingly annoying day. I think this is because external auditors are coming today. I just know that they'll find something wrong. And I just know that my boss will panic and ask me to jump through hoops to distract the audit people.

I know auditors are normal, regular people (well, they LOOK human anyway). Yet they fill me with such dread. It's like when you're driving and you get pulled over by cops. You might have done absolutely nothing but the dread is still there.

My boredom is obvious and palpable isn't it.

Anyway, I did want to comment on something. I read a good blog post yesterday, about eloquence. The author of said post was saying how impressed she was with the writings of many bloggers on her list (which I checked and yes those people do write very extremely well). And how she wonders what makes these people so eloquent.

The thing is the writer herself is an excellent writer in her own write.

Whether I'm eloquent or not, I'm not so worried about. It depends on a readers perception I guess. What did strike me was how here we have a skilled writer and she's fretting about how her own blog posts are not as good as others (incidentally I don't agree with her, her posts are great).

I always thought that people who are good at something never feel insecure about themselves. But I guess that's not true. In a way it's a good thing. It makes you try harder.

It is now pass 8 o'clock and I need to go and drink some coffee. Have a good day.

Bla Bla Bitty Bla

Oh how dull it is to be working on a Sunday morning whilst others are sleeping in or out and about enjoying a slow, leisurely breakfast.....

To make up for that, I will also be slow and leisurely this morning. The only good thing about working weekends is that there's nobody around and I can take my time doing things. It's oddly peaceful here sometimes. Like this morning with the rain and everything.

How about some post depression situation report eh ?

Well, I feel much, much, much better. A little sun, a little company, some driving about and some shopping did the trick. No drugs or alcohol were used. Of course blogging is always a big help. And music.

All the things that bothered me over the last week seem less important somehow. At least for today everything is fine again. I wonder when will it come back ? I guarantee it will come back. I'm suddenly curious about how am I going to react when it comes again.

I have G-Mail invites to give away. If anyone is interested, please mail/message/call/leave a comment. Don't forget to leave e-mail info.

In other news, while I was so wrapped up with issues last week, a few good things happened.

The blog registered its 10,000th hit (!!). That was cool. Very cool. Okay, I won't lie. I like the fact that my humble blog is being hit and being read. I like the attention. It's very nice. Thank you so much.

Also this week Riding the Mellow is one year old. I've written about this before, but I thought I'd mention it again. I'm quite pleased.

I completed downloading Buffy Season 6. Very high quality DivX video. All done is record time too. When I downloaded Season 5, it took more than a week. After some more experience with my Bit Torrent client, I've managed to optimize it and did the whole 9Gb download in a little over 4 days.

I watched the whole season again over the last few days. This season is the dark one, where the demons the Scooby Gang fought were internal more than external.

The thing that stood out the most in Season 6 is Buffy. God, she was depressed. I could really relate to her. I knew what she meant when she said that she didn't feel like she was all here and that something was wrong with her. I found Season 6 more enjoyable now than when it was first aired.

Ok, that's our Buffy talk for today. Next download ? Season 7. And I might start downloading Angel Season 3, once I rustle up some extra hard disk space.

I'm thinking about changing the blog layout. I think a change of scenery would be nice. I'll probably do it as soon as my laziness goes away.

And talking about scenery changes, I'm also contemplating another job change. I want to work regular hours again. I'm still weighing the pros and cons right now. This is not a high priority though, after all it's kinda difficult to find decent work here right now. I also might want to do something different. Something not IT related. We'll see what happens in the coming months.

I also wrote down a wish list of stuff that I might get in the next 6 months. We all know that shopping and buying stuff is an effective anti-depressant no ?

1- Big hard disk. I saw one at my regular PC bits & pieces shop. A nice 120Gb, 7200rpm, 8mb cache Maxtor hard disk. I'm getting this soon. Or maybe I should pay a little extra, go the extra mile and get that Hitachi Deskstar 200Gb one instead. Hmm choices, choices.... Any suggestions ? Oh and since these big drives are power hogs, I need to change my power supply to 450watts. Better not forget that....

2- Digital Camera. Freakin' OCBC rejected my credit card application for reasons known only to itself. Which may be a good thing because a credit card is a dangerous thing to have. Especially when you're drunk and you've just met an SIA stewardess who you simply, absolutely have to impress with your...errr "wealth". So the credit card is on hold for now. Which means that I might have to settle for a less capable camera. I'm planning to go do a survey next week.

Why the big deal about a camera ? Many reasons, one of which is the fact that I don't have any good pictures of myself that's not taken 6 years ago. Also, I want to find out if I have any knack for photography. I've seen some photoblogs and they look awesome. I also think my friends would appreciate having someone around who's got a camera.

I've just realized that if I were to list everything that I want to get (including low priority stuff and luxury items) the list will be extremely long. And I've just noticed that this post is getting pretty long also.

Mustn't get carried away now. Have a nice weekend then.

Currently Listening to Already Met You Superfine Ultimate Buffy Soundtrack

Rebuild

Blogger can be a major annoyance sometimes. I was trying to post today but I couldn't log in.

Something happened yesterday that gave me a major lift. I went online yesterday and talked with friends. Before that I went to see another friend and we discussed a few things over dinner at MJC.

I feel much, much better after that.

One of my friends told me perhaps I should get professional help with depression because she did the same thing and it helped. I've been thinking about it. It would probably help. All the things that I go through can't possibly be normal. No way can a person think so lowly of themselves without something something being pathologically wrong with them.

But unfortunately I live in Malaysia and that kind of help is not exactly accessible arround here. Not to mention the potential public stigma of being a "crazy" person for needing phsycological help. I really don't need to have another negative label to be associated with me now.

Therefore, I'll just stick to blogging for some relief. It's working so far. And music. Loud angry music. Which I have plenty of.

And talking about people's mental state, an article about it came out in The Star a few weeks ago. I can't find the link anymore. Basically it mentions the fact that people should take it more seriously and it is a bigger problem than we care to admit.

True. Unfortunately I don't think anything will change regarding that. That's just the way here. How you look and how you behave is more important than what's going on in your head. Millions upon millions are spent by the government on programs to engineer how we behave and how we appear to others. Not that it's a complete waste of time. But I think some things get overlooked here. And not to mention the stigma imposed by some ultra-conservative elements of our society.

I could use some of that help. I could use someone on the outside to analyse what's going on in my head. I want someone to tell me exactly what the hell is wrong with me. And more importantly I'd like to know why.

But as the cliche goes, life will go on. In the mean time, I will cope as best as I can. Perhaps with all this written down for all to see, it will help me avert the worse of its effects.

To clarify, there's more going on in my life and in my head other than my exasperation with my inability to date. While all this is going on, me and a friend of mine have some business deals underway that could change everything if it works out. And I mean everything. So as not to jinx the hell out of it, I'm not going to say much more. Suffice to say that if it does work out, it'll be the single most meaningful thing I've ever done in my life. Ever.

Perhaps I could write more about these other parts of life. I could write about the books I read and the movies I like. My vast music collection. Cars. Computers. Guitars and associated gear.

And to clarify again, I'm not the artsy type. Therefore I don't really read much fiction and sometimes fail to appreciate abstrate art, films and other media. Many of my interests are mainstream. To some I might seem astoundingly dull and typical. And maybe I am. So real sorry if I don't come across as the sensitive, new age guy. I kinda wish I was actually.

I'm going to try and spend my time doing other things. If that doesn't work and if nothing changes at all, then what else is left to do but hang on right ? At least I'm trying, which is more than I can say for a lot of people.

At least I'm trying.

Currently Listening to What Is It To Burn ? Finch What Is It To Burn ?

What Next ?

I've been seesawing between writing another long ranty post, a totally innocuous one or not writing at all the whole night.

I'm not entirely sure about what I want to write about. I'm still feeling a little depressed right now.

I want to stop feeling depressed. I really do.

I'm taking myself out of the game so to speak. That's the number one cause of depression and I'm not going there anymore. I'm not going to try and meet new people to see whether I could find someone I could date. It just hurts too much when it doesn't work out.

Sounds like I'm giving up doesn't it ? Maybe I am. I don't know yet. It could be permanent or I could go back on myself two days from now. Whatever....

I'm not going to try and change and "be a better person". What the hell does that mean anyway ? Am I a bad person now ? Am I inadequate in some way that I'm not aware of ? What is it ?

And what exactly does it mean when people say I have to be more confident ? I know that it's important, but there's something that I've been wondering about.

People tell me that I should be more confident, but no one ever tells me HOW. Confident about what ? How do you get to be confident ? And no, I can't find out for myself because I've been doing that forever and I still don't know. Is it even possible for people to suddenly say to themselves "Ok I'm confident" and be confident ? Isn't that called a delusion ?

I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but I get frustrated sometimes. It's frustrating when you know you have to do something but don't know how to do it.

So what do I do about the loneliness that sometimes plagues my life ? Nothing. Nothing seems to work so I'm not going to try anymore.

I'm not going to do anything. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to go and try and forget it.

I've made peace with myself today. Despite my desires, I officially admit that maybe I'm fated to be alone. I face up to the fact that I will probably never get the relationship that I want. That all of it was the stuff of dreams and nothing more.

I going to stop asking why other people can do it and I can't. Maybe that's how it's meant to be. If I'm meant to end up with someone else, then I depend on fate to create a suitable situation that I won't invariably screw up. I want to believe that it'll happen when it does, not before and not after.

I can no longer trust myself to do it for myself.

A friend of mine mailed me weeks back and mentioned something. She said that my own-selfconciousness is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy. She's the second person to say this to me.

And maybe she's right. Here we have the what. But again, we still don't have the how.

How do I get out of this vicious circle which I have made for myself ? How ?

And so I've decided, in the coming months I'm going to have to try and find something else to fill my time. Maybe I will forget ?

Currently listening to Good Bye to You Michelle Branch

Update:-

It is now 6.15am. I'm about to get off work. I feel much better now.

Closure is important. It is important to bury the dead and remove skeletons out of the closets.

I guess I never did lay my ghosts to rest. That's why they always come back.

But I must never forget what I did and what I went through, for to do that is to condemn myself to repeating history. I won't forget. Perhaps then I'll be more deserving of the contentment which I seek.

When am I going to get over all this totally ? Who knows ? Maybe never. I accept that.

Only time will tell.