It had to happen. No way I can get past Valentine's Day without getting at least a wee bit emotional. So if you're the type who think guys who are emotional are pathetic, then stop right now, leave and take your snide remarks with you. You have been warned.
I'm posting another picture of the sky because:-
- I like the sky. It's blue and quite pleasing to look at when the weather is good. Or even when the weather is not so good.
- I didn't take any pictures that are any good the last few days and I didn't go anywhere today so no new pictures.
I noticed a good number of blogs with song lyrics today. And there is actually a good reason why I posted my song lyric.
That song explains how exactly I feel about love as a whole. The words are perfect. I could never express myself that clearly about something as abstract as love, not in a million years. Being a rushed typist and a sometimes crappy speller doesn't help.
So why confuse myself writing when there's a song that says the exact same thing in less than four minutes right ?
I was blog surfing and I came upon a post that really, really struck me. Lots of uncensored truth in that post.
"The same people who are most cynical about love and marriage are the people who want it most"
That is so true. There's that craving, and yet you can sate it. And it kills to feel that. I can deny and pretend until the cows come home, tell myself everything is okay and I don't need to be in love or don't need someone to be in love with me.
I'm right too. I don't NEED it. Live goes on, I go to work, I hang out with my many friends, I blog, I play games and surf the net, watch my DVDs. No NEED to be with anyone in particular there.
I don't need. I WANT. I'm tired of being all alone here. I'm not talking about physically lonely either.
I want someone who loves me whom I can love back. I want to burn for someone who burns for me just as much. Someone who's excited as I am when we meet, even if it is for something mundane like paying the phone bill.
I want to be with someone who talks to me and listens. Someone who will trust me for no other reason than she does. I want to be in love and have that love returned to me instead of the usual unrequited shit.
I want that. That is all.
Before I go on, please don't tell me to enjoy singlehood and that it's not a bad thing. I KNOW that. I've mentioned this before. I'm more interested in the how more than the what.
That is not the problem and never the problem. Me being single is irrelevant. Feeling alone and being single is not the same thing. The singlehood is not what hurts. It's the loneliness and not the kind that can be cured by being with your friends and your family. And trust me when I say it can be deafeningly silent in my world. I want that silence broken.
By the way, how to remove that loneliness ? Is there another way aside from being in a good relationship ? Or is that even part of the solution to begin with ? What should I do ? How can I make myself NOT feel like this ? Can someone tell me ?
I'm not cynical about love. Sometimes I do feel like that, but more out of anger and frustration at the time more than anything else. I get pissed off at how stupid the whole thing can be. I like someone, she doesn't like me. She likes me, I don't like her the same way despite trying to. I get hurt and I hurt other people.
It's an endless circle and seems like it's totally pointless. It's stupid and I don't understand why it's so hard for me.
But big picture, I'm not cynical. I see my friends. I see my colleagues at work and my neighbours. I know it can work. I know there can be a good conclusion. Happiness happens. And I'm glad for them.
But I do feel the envy. I wonder where I go wrong. I wonder how they do it. What makes it tick ? How can I not ? Did I not put in effort ? Did I not try my level best ? Did I not have the best intentions ? Or am I not good enough ? Are they better than me ? What ?? How ??
Yes, I think it's unfair. It's unfair when I try SO hard and have nothing to show for it. It's unfair when I fall in love with someone and then lose her to someone else who just happened to walk by. Does it make me a bad person to feel bummed and left out when things like these happen ? Do I sound ungrateful ? If so, then yes I am a bad person. What can I say ? I'm not a saint, my patience is not unlimited, my faith not as strong.
If God listens to me, then I want to ask a little favor. If I was never meant to be with anyone, if I was supposed to me by myself in this world then please take my desires away. Why put it there if it's not supposed to be fulfiled. Or maybe, I'm supposed to feel it. Punishment ? Cross to bear ?
Regardless, life goes on. I'm not thrilled to be alive, but neither am I terminally depressed. I have my gripes and I also have things that I'm happy to have. I'm okay. I'm not heartbroken and I'm not desperate. I've had worse days.
I'm not cynical about love. I believe it exists. Maybe not in my world, but it exists. Perhaps, God willing, I might do enough to deserve it one day. Who knows ? Maybe for once, I won't do something monumentally absurd and throw it all away.
If love exists in your world, then I'm glad for you. Have a nice day.
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