Plans

While many other people I know are settling down to a week of celebration and of being away from work, I'm settling down to five more nights of it.

I'm going to have a 14 hour day today. Suddenly, Sunday seems so far away. It feels like it's out of reach right now. And to make today much more tiring, I had to send my brother to the airport before I came to work. I didn't have any time to rest at all.

And I think Streamyx is down again at home. I couldn't get online while I was at home. I have a bad feeling it'll be down for a while. Drat.....

And yet, I'm not that surprised.

My cousin got married today. The service was this morning. I'm not sad about it. It's cool. I only wished they'd done it during another time instead of Chinese New Year, seeing as the rest of my department is Chinese which means that I'm replacement guy during CNY. Which is usually okay since I score major overtime.

But it would've been nice if was there. It would mean a lot to a lot of people. I'll even try to be sociable.

Yes, I'm kinda upset that I have to be here at work.

In fact, I just deleted four paragraphs of this post. Something I wrote about unfairness and stuff like that. I felt it was a little too angst ridden to be published.

I'm not that bitter. Sometimes I am, but usually I'm alright. Provided that I don't get reminded that I suck at relationships with women and that I'm about 8 years behind schedule careerwise. Usually I'm ok (I hope)

Which reminds me of yet another drainside conversation I had with a bunch of buddies. One of them was worried that he can't achieve his so-called target when he reaches 30. There's a whole bunch of things that he wants to have and a certain living condition that he must be in for it to be a success.

How many of us have this kind of "before 30" plan ? I know I did. Guess what ? The so-called "plan" is officially shelved.

I'm pass 30 but none of the so-called "conditions" of the plan were fulfilled. I'm not settled down with a house in the suburbs with a car, a government servant wife and 1.7 children. I'm not even close to being "stable". I don't have 6 figures tucked away in the bank. I don't have much in the way of assets, liquid or otherwise.

So when measured up using the usual local stereotype of a thirty something, yes I screwed up majorly. It was frightening to be 25 and see all those plans not working out. I understood how my friend felt.

A PC response is probably much wailing and the wearing of rags. And one of the things that I don't like about our society is how people are supposed to make a big show of remorse, especially when you fail at something. Let me ask, for whose benefit is this show ? My parents often ask me when things go wrong in my life,"Don't you care. You look like you don't even care." as if they're expecting me cry, have anxiety attacks and not eat or go out for weeks (or something like that). But when things get messed as they do, what can I possibly do about something that I can't control ? I'm digressing and this topic is for another post.

And yet at 30, I felt a lot lighter than when I was 25. Despite not having the plan succeed, I felt a lot better as if a burden had been lifted.

Since my old plans didn't work out am I going to have a new plan ? A new thing to shoot for ? Not yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to bother. Is that bad ? Is having a life roadmap absolutely essential ?

One thing about plans that I've learnt over the years is to not make them. At least not very detailed ones with timeline and everything, like I used to do when I was in school. I think rough ideas are ok but plans tend to get FUBARed before you could start (at least the ones I make anyway). Yes, the Fates love to toy with lives, especially mine (at least it feels like that).

And what of the future ? Don't know yet. One big mistake (and how many of those have I made) I made when I was fresh out of school was to live life in the future, hence the endless worrying and the excessive wondering about "what-if".

So at the moment I'm letting the future stay in the future and the present stay present. No plans whatsoever for me. There are a few things that need fixing, but I like to think that my life is not so bad right now.

Update:-

It's pass midnight so Happy New Year to all of us. My God, at midnight just now Tabuan Jaya sounded like downtown Fallujah (without the tracers and people getting shot obviously).

Isn't it funny how firecrackers are illegal and yet so many people have them ?

Currently Listening to Decision Goldfinger Open Your Eyes