Rebuild

Blogger can be a major annoyance sometimes. I was trying to post today but I couldn't log in.

Something happened yesterday that gave me a major lift. I went online yesterday and talked with friends. Before that I went to see another friend and we discussed a few things over dinner at MJC.

I feel much, much better after that.

One of my friends told me perhaps I should get professional help with depression because she did the same thing and it helped. I've been thinking about it. It would probably help. All the things that I go through can't possibly be normal. No way can a person think so lowly of themselves without something something being pathologically wrong with them.

But unfortunately I live in Malaysia and that kind of help is not exactly accessible arround here. Not to mention the potential public stigma of being a "crazy" person for needing phsycological help. I really don't need to have another negative label to be associated with me now.

Therefore, I'll just stick to blogging for some relief. It's working so far. And music. Loud angry music. Which I have plenty of.

And talking about people's mental state, an article about it came out in The Star a few weeks ago. I can't find the link anymore. Basically it mentions the fact that people should take it more seriously and it is a bigger problem than we care to admit.

True. Unfortunately I don't think anything will change regarding that. That's just the way here. How you look and how you behave is more important than what's going on in your head. Millions upon millions are spent by the government on programs to engineer how we behave and how we appear to others. Not that it's a complete waste of time. But I think some things get overlooked here. And not to mention the stigma imposed by some ultra-conservative elements of our society.

I could use some of that help. I could use someone on the outside to analyse what's going on in my head. I want someone to tell me exactly what the hell is wrong with me. And more importantly I'd like to know why.

But as the cliche goes, life will go on. In the mean time, I will cope as best as I can. Perhaps with all this written down for all to see, it will help me avert the worse of its effects.

To clarify, there's more going on in my life and in my head other than my exasperation with my inability to date. While all this is going on, me and a friend of mine have some business deals underway that could change everything if it works out. And I mean everything. So as not to jinx the hell out of it, I'm not going to say much more. Suffice to say that if it does work out, it'll be the single most meaningful thing I've ever done in my life. Ever.

Perhaps I could write more about these other parts of life. I could write about the books I read and the movies I like. My vast music collection. Cars. Computers. Guitars and associated gear.

And to clarify again, I'm not the artsy type. Therefore I don't really read much fiction and sometimes fail to appreciate abstrate art, films and other media. Many of my interests are mainstream. To some I might seem astoundingly dull and typical. And maybe I am. So real sorry if I don't come across as the sensitive, new age guy. I kinda wish I was actually.

I'm going to try and spend my time doing other things. If that doesn't work and if nothing changes at all, then what else is left to do but hang on right ? At least I'm trying, which is more than I can say for a lot of people.

At least I'm trying.

Currently Listening to What Is It To Burn ? Finch What Is It To Burn ?