Another Venting Post

I DIDN'T forget to bring my camera to the office today. I merely forgot to charge the batteries.....

Another cousin is getting married in a few days. Congratulations to her. It's great. I got invited but I can't make it because of work. I would've liked to attend.

Maybe it's a good thing, me not being able to attend. I know my cousin wouldn't appreciate having an energy sucking black hole of depression sitting in the dining hall. As much as I'd like to, I can't guarantee that I won't be that black hole.

Am I being a selfish bastard for failing to feel happy for the bride & groom ? No. I am happy for them. Marriage is a good thing. At least for these two people, at least one problem is solved. May they be blessed and live happily. Good for them.

I wish one day I'd be able to attend a wedding or an engagement or for that matter, any kind of gathering that celebrates the union of two people without feeling sorry for myself, without being haunted by questions that I can't answer and without feeling like I've failed in some big way.

I wish one day I could be there and be a great guest instead of needing therapy the next day. I wish being alone didn't bother me as much as it does. God knows how stupid I feel and God knows how embarassing this is to me.

I'm so screwed up inside.

What can I say about all that ?

I'm trying to be better about it. I'm trying to figure out stuff. I'm trying to let go off a need that won't be fulfilled anytime soon. So far so good, at least I've managed to keep all this internal. No one outside this blog knows that I feel the way I do sometimes.

I hate how feeling lonely screws you up so badly that you can't fix it yourself, short of having a section of your brain removed. It's like trying to borrow money from a finance institution. You can only borrow money only if you can prove that you don't need it.

In the same way, the cure to loneliness seems to be apparent only those who aren't alone.

Ok that's enough.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sounding like a crazy person. I'm sorry. And seriously though, I hope that the wedding reception will be great and a lot of people will attend and that they will enjoy. More than that I hope they will be happy, all of them.

To help get people's minds off this, I bring more news about Kota Gelanggi.

Update:-

Oh bloody hell, I've just realised that some actual, real friends of mine will be reading this. I'm probably going to get a whole bunch of weird looks on Monday evening......

I suddenly feel awkward.

But the no edit policy stays, weird looks be damned. People have rights to their opinions and if some of my friends think this is weird/pathetic/dumb/lame, then so be it.