What Next ?

I've been seesawing between writing another long ranty post, a totally innocuous one or not writing at all the whole night.

I'm not entirely sure about what I want to write about. I'm still feeling a little depressed right now.

I want to stop feeling depressed. I really do.

I'm taking myself out of the game so to speak. That's the number one cause of depression and I'm not going there anymore. I'm not going to try and meet new people to see whether I could find someone I could date. It just hurts too much when it doesn't work out.

Sounds like I'm giving up doesn't it ? Maybe I am. I don't know yet. It could be permanent or I could go back on myself two days from now. Whatever....

I'm not going to try and change and "be a better person". What the hell does that mean anyway ? Am I a bad person now ? Am I inadequate in some way that I'm not aware of ? What is it ?

And what exactly does it mean when people say I have to be more confident ? I know that it's important, but there's something that I've been wondering about.

People tell me that I should be more confident, but no one ever tells me HOW. Confident about what ? How do you get to be confident ? And no, I can't find out for myself because I've been doing that forever and I still don't know. Is it even possible for people to suddenly say to themselves "Ok I'm confident" and be confident ? Isn't that called a delusion ?

I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but I get frustrated sometimes. It's frustrating when you know you have to do something but don't know how to do it.

So what do I do about the loneliness that sometimes plagues my life ? Nothing. Nothing seems to work so I'm not going to try anymore.

I'm not going to do anything. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to go and try and forget it.

I've made peace with myself today. Despite my desires, I officially admit that maybe I'm fated to be alone. I face up to the fact that I will probably never get the relationship that I want. That all of it was the stuff of dreams and nothing more.

I going to stop asking why other people can do it and I can't. Maybe that's how it's meant to be. If I'm meant to end up with someone else, then I depend on fate to create a suitable situation that I won't invariably screw up. I want to believe that it'll happen when it does, not before and not after.

I can no longer trust myself to do it for myself.

A friend of mine mailed me weeks back and mentioned something. She said that my own-selfconciousness is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy. She's the second person to say this to me.

And maybe she's right. Here we have the what. But again, we still don't have the how.

How do I get out of this vicious circle which I have made for myself ? How ?

And so I've decided, in the coming months I'm going to have to try and find something else to fill my time. Maybe I will forget ?

Currently listening to Good Bye to You Michelle Branch

Update:-

It is now 6.15am. I'm about to get off work. I feel much better now.

Closure is important. It is important to bury the dead and remove skeletons out of the closets.

I guess I never did lay my ghosts to rest. That's why they always come back.

But I must never forget what I did and what I went through, for to do that is to condemn myself to repeating history. I won't forget. Perhaps then I'll be more deserving of the contentment which I seek.

When am I going to get over all this totally ? Who knows ? Maybe never. I accept that.

Only time will tell.