Gone

It seems to me that these days my so-called off days aren't as "off" as I'd like them to be. Like last night, I was supposed to meet someone but ended up reformatting someone else's computer. Not that I don't enjoy it but I sometimes wish I had more time to do everything and see everyone.

Then there's my parents' car. The thing broke down on them. Two months ago. So in the mean time, they use my car when I'm not working. Which sucks because that means I can't go out until they come home. Which is usually late. A friend of mine is going away soon and I can see her during the day. Which is when I don't have a car.

Anyways, the last four days I did some thinking while I was at home. I'm going to stay away from self-pity for a while. It's bad for morale. Especially mine.

So what right ? I might as well make peace with the fact that I'm not attached and not able to fix it. These things can't be forced, I should already know this. There are other facts that I must face up to.

Like, for average joes and janes out there it's always harder. Because the regular person is always the one with the doubts and the fear and the uncertainty. It's not as easy getting notice when you're just a face in the crowd.

But whatever, you know ? What can I do about that ? What can I do about being 5' 3" and insecure ? Nothing. What can I do if I meet someone and she doesn't like me because I'm 5' 3" and insecure ? Nothing. I could whine and rant and bitch until I quiver but how is that going change the fact that I'm 5' 3" and insecure. It can't.

I guess I'm gonna have to live with that. I'm 5' 3" and insecure. I can't make small talk. I can't make with the funny without feeling like an idiot. I cannot suddenly become uber-confident and sure of myself and be all detached and not-nervous. I can't deal with any of my stupid hang-ups. So, let them be.I've tried to change and fix, but nothing's really changed at all. This is part of who I am. This is the package. This is it.

It's my fault really. I want the unattainable. And so does everyone else. We all want our Helen and Adonis. Not Mr Joe Regular and Miss Plain Jane. Right ? We hurt and why ? Because Helen and Adonis doesn't want us, that's why.

I have a picture in my head of how she looks like. She's perfect. Yeah, cool. But I forgot to consider whether I'm perfect to her. And for that oversight, I deserve all the pain I have felt before, now and later. Serves me right.

And so with this whole thing, I fall back to one last thing. Divine intervention. That's the only way.

That I could get lucky. Not because of whatever I did, but just because I got lucky. It could happen right ? It happens to other people right ? I hope so you know.

Will I suddenly be all stoic and stop writing about my feelings, my angst and other mushy crap on my blog ? Hell know. I still feel and so I might as well write them down instead of allowing these feelings and desires to make me do any number of rash and irrational things. Online, I'll probably still sound the same.

My promise is that I'll never talk about this again in real life, unless if someone else brings it up. I'll never ask for advise, I won't ask for help and I'll never ever wonder why out loud. Ever. It's done, I've said all that I can say and there's nothing new anymore. I've tried and my friends have tried to help. What else can anyone do ?

That's right, not a whole lot. And so, that's it. As far as trying and looking is concerned, I'm done.