Helpless

*Warning: Long post

So where is this "life" that's supposed to begin at 30 ? I haven't seen it yet and I only have 8 years left before my decade is up. Ten years, not a long time.

Before I forget due to my remarkable self involvement, I would like to express gratitude to commenters from yesterday's post. You have been too kind.

But humor me please. It's time to ask another stupid question. I keep hearing that there are things you can do in order to remove insecurities or at least reduce them enough to a level that does not debilitate & diminish. So, how ? How do you ? Do I need to see a shrink ? What do I have to do ?

And for the love of God, please don't say,"It's up to you to find out". I refuse to accept that answer. If you know then you know, if you don't know then say so. I'd rather take,"I don't know" any day then some lame ass comment like that.

There was a friend I had to whom I asked the same question. She said,"You have to find out for yourself." Well screw her for saying that. You see, that time I was caught in a triangle and the one reason she said that was because she was backing the other guy. Hell, most of my friends at that time backed the other guy. And why shouldn't they ? He was well liked. He was popular. He was a real socialite with connections and friends all over the state.

And I was a dork. And I felt betrayed. Which is why I don't see or talk to any of these people anymore.

Fast forward a few years, and again I'm screwing up another relationship unknowingly. But this time, at least the girl I was going out with told me straight and in minute detail exactly what I was doing wrong. How I stifled her with my constant attention. How I should back off a bit.

It wasn't pretty and it wasn't all pleasant. But I needed to hear it. We became very, very close friends. But nothing more. She married three years ago and now has a 11 month old baby girl.

She SMSed me out of the blue last week, asking me how I was.

So what was the point of all that ?

One, the truth is necessary. It can save and liberate and in the very least save years and years of futility as you "try to find out for yourself". There be times that the truth must be told by someone else. It's not pretty. But truth rarely is and rarely has to be.

Two, there are still people who care enough. After all this time, I could paint entire woman-kind as evil and self-absorbed, interested only in money and prestige and getting the best out of their male partners. I could just as easily say that women are stupid since they seem to like men who treat them like cattle and ignore the ones who do care about them. Why not ? I have the "evidence" of my own experience.

But I can't because I also have evidence that it's not like that at all. I've said it before. The problem is not men. Nor is it women. The problem is people. The problem is us. People keep wanting things that they can't have or are bad for them. People keep making mistake after mistake and never ever learn, ever. People get stuck in a rut and somehow can't figure out how to escape. Or are too frightened to.

So what do we do about that ? On some days, it's just so hard to find encouragement and be hopeful. Not even prayer seems to help.

But time goes by, and what else is there to do but to go through life as it goes on. I just hope I can handle it. I just hope I didn't waste too much of my life running around in circles and chasing lost causes.

I hope you had a nice day.