Deleted Post

I've just deleted a huge draft of a post. A huge depressing post at that.

While it is healthy to express feelings and let things out, I feel like I may be overdoing it.

Okay, for my own benefit I will re-write a post based on the deleted draft.

I'm kinda depressed. True. What am I depressed about ? Not exactly sure, but probably emotional stuff. Probably. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

However, thanks to having a blog that depression has not manifested itself physically. I don't mope around, wear a long face and listen to emo songs all day long. I went to see my cousin just now before work and if you ask him, he will tell you that I'm not depressed.

In fact, go back a few weeks and ask anyone whom I talked to and they will say that I'm fine.

Yes I'm fine, all things considered. Most of my trouble is internal and I'd like to keep it that way. Am I deliriously happy ? Not even close but neither am I suicidal.

Thanks to having a blog, I do not have to impose and trouble my friends with all this crap. Since if I did, then that would be me repeating myself. I guess this is an admittance that I no longer feel comfortable compaining to my friends about my perpetual state of emotional turmoil. Now I'd only talk about it if they brought it up first.

Why is that a big deal ? It's a big deal because I used to have a reputation as a whiny little bitch. I've messed up a lot of friendships because of the excessive whining. It's a big deal because I haven't done that for quite a substantial amount of time. And I'm glad I don't have to.

In real life, I'm not this depressed (I hope so anyway). Anymore. Things are okay on the whole. Apart from my emotional turmoil, the rest of my life is not so bad. My job is ok, I've just gotten my bonus and am expecting another one in about two weeks. My cousin and I have a little something up our sleaves that is so big, should it go ahead as hoped I wouldn't have to worry about money as much.

I have my friends and they are good people. My family relations are far from perfect but at least they're still there. I have my PC and the ability to use it. I have other stuff that other people don't have. I know things that many others don't know.

But I want more ! I want things to be better than this. I want most of all to be rid of this inner turmoil and be at ease with myself and my situation. I wish I knew how.

I guess no one's life is ever complete.