A Wedding

Right now I'm reaping the benefits of having a journal. Right now, for absolutely no reason whatsover I'm extremely, extremely depressed. And bored.

If I had no written record of it happening before to remind myself, I'd be going through the motions right now. But this time, I'm ready. No senseless moping this time, no sirree. No stupid questions either. I'm depressed, just because. Not because I'm single, or because I'm disillusioned by my job, or the so-called lack of excitement in my life. Just because. It's probably hormones.

So I bought myself an extra pack of cigarrettes, just in case.

I've just returned from a wedding dinner at a local hotel. My first cousin. Whom I barely know. I have a gigantic extended family, but I know so few of them. Plus, being the quiet one doesn't help you get noticed, so people tend to not notice me much.

One of those reasons why I wished I was more of an extrovert. Like my brother.

I normally shy away from functions like these, but it was a real huge deal for my parents so I decided to go. You see my dad is adopted, and tonight was a wedding on the side of his real family.

Weddings make me think about all kinds of stuff. And tonight was no exception.

I saw my cousin and her husband milling around and serving guests whiskey, which is mandatory for us Iban people. And I thought,"How sure are they that they found the right one ?" Before I'm accused of being a cynic, I meant that in the nicest way possible. And then I thought, maybe it doesn't matter if they found It. If they talk and try to work things out, maybe it is possible to make an imperfect relationship function. Passion and chemistry are good, but is it REALLY necessary ?

And so, I realize that I'm close to breaking.

I'm beginning to think that I either settle for whatever is available, or die waiting to find the so-called One. Seriously, out of a thousand joe/jane regulars how many will get the lucky break. Or for that matter, is there any hard evidence at all that the so-called One actually exists. Or is it just a figment of our naive, hopeful imagination.

I admit. Being single kinda sucks. If you're single and like it then cool. But I've been that for too long and it's not working out for me. Ok, the name calling and insults can start now.....

I have my pride. Part of me tells me to hold out and not sell out so soon. Part of me tells me to wait and fix my hang-ups and insecurities before thinking about this. I mean, no woman wants an insecure guy right ?

But part of me now tells me some of my so-called hang-ups can never be mended. Maybe it's part of what makes me me. Maybe I don't need to find the One, so to speak. Maybe it's good enough to be with someone who cares enough to listen and compromise and is good to me, regardless of my own feelings for her.

Maybe that's what I'm meant to have and the reason why I get so unhappy is because I've been fighting the inevitable ?

I just don't know.