Jellybeans !

I'm having a sakai moment as we speak.

It's after lunch and am tucking into a tub of jellybeans. They were given to us by a US colleague who arrived today. He also provided us with some absolutely luscious Lindt candy. Delicious.

I have never seen or eaten jellybeans before. Ever. Yes it's official. I. Am. A. Country. Bumpkin.

They're brilliant. So many colours and so many different flavors, including at least three different coffee flavors. All shaped like beans and made from jelly. I can't stop eating them. It's great! They should make prescription medication look and taste like this.

I wished I'd brought my camera. It' would've been my first food review.

Other than that, it's a typical Monday morning. I punch in and as soon as the clock strikes 8, the phones start to ring. And ring. And ring.

Despite the usual Monday morning madness, I've feeling rather chipper. And being busy is always good in the way it makes time rocket by like a burning Betty bomber plummeting towards its fiery demise on the surface of the Pacific Ocean.

I also had a Doh! moment early this morning. I woke up at 5.30am and was in such a rush to avoid traffic that I drove off and actually forgot to bring my hand phone. I swear, these days I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached to my neck. Or maybe I'm getting old.

Also worth noting is this hilarious post by Cayce (well, it was hilarious to me anyway for some reason which I don't know).

Would I go to a match-making gathering ? No I wouldn't. I could be the most desperate guy in town but I still wouldn't.

Not there's anything wrong with activities like that. It could be fun. It's a good way to meet new, interesting people, maybe even hook up with some. Provided there's enough variety of course.

Why wouldn't I go ? Pride that's why. I'm thinking maybe if I go, it would somehow confirm my suspicions that I'm too socially inept to set myself up and that I need help with it. Granted it might be true but even then I wouldn't want to admit it. I'm not sure if I'm saying this right.

For the record, I know that thinking like that is very silly. There's nothing wrong with this and I shouldn't be thinking like that.

And of course there's the stigma among my studly friends who keep forgetting that I'm not them and therefore do not have their good looks, social graces and physical presence (while not essential, these attributes make social interactions easier). I value my friends' opinions and to have them disprove and look at me funny would sting. I don't know whether I could deal with that.

In reality, they probably wouldn't look at me funny (at least not all of them). It's probably my warped mind and my negative thinking. And perception as you know, shapes reality. Which is too bad for me.

Damn me and my issues.

That's all then. Excuse me while I go and finish my jellybeans.

The Things You Think You Want

So what kind of car would you like to have ? You know, if you didn't have to worry about paying for it.

That was a question my friend asked me yesterday while we were hanging out by the side of the drain in front of his house. That question isn't usually a stumper.

Except, yesterday it was.

I didn't know what car I wanted to have. Well I said it won't be an SUV, because I think SUVs are too big for me and they're hard to park.

I said it won't be any one of those luxury sports cars, especially those snazzy two seater ones. I like sedans. But I'm not really keen on Beamers and Mercs either. I'm not sure why.

My Iswara LMST is doing just fine. Could use a bit more horsepower, but I'm happy with it. One day maybe I'll be able to afford an Accord or a Civic or an Impreza or an Aveo or something similar.

The truth is I don't know. I don't know what kind of car I want to drive. In fact now that I think of it, I don't know what I really want.

I'm not just talking about material things. That list will never get shorter. For instance, I just got a camera. Next I want a 200Gb hard disk. After that, I want to to upgrade my car audio. And then later I might change something else, maybe another PC upgrade or another eletrical/electronic doodad. Maybe a GOOD guitar. No end there anytime soon.

I'm not really sure what else I want out of life.

Anyone remember about all those things we wanted to become when we were grow up ?

I wanted to be lots of things. I wanted to be a pilot because jet fighters and military aircraft fascinated me. I wanted to be an astronomer because I found astronomy fascinating too. I wanted to work in a zoo because I liked exotic animals. In fact, I still like exotic animals. And planes. And stargazing. Also archeology and paleanthology. And dinosaurs. And guns.

Ok ok I was a science nerd. I was good in Math and I liked Chemistry and Biology. There I admitted it. Hmm, I may have put a finger on why female types get repulsed by my presence.....

Anyway I'm digressing.

I'm lucky in a way that at least I got a job that was actually what I wanted to do (is that a valid sentence ? It sounds really clunky)

Now the question is : Now what ?

I have completed my education and have a decent job that pays for my lifestyle. Now what ?

I could study again. Get a degree. But I'm not keen on study. Yes it's a contradiction. I'm a science nerd who doesn't like school. If I did, it would have to be somewhere outside the country and something that's not computer related. But the bottom line is I don't feel like studying and doing things that I don't want tend to make me unhappy and pathetic. So scratch that.

I could get a new job. This might actually help. I'm working on it. But I sometimes wonder whether changing the job scenery will have any lasting benefits apart from better renumeration (hopefully). I mean people change jobs all the time and yet some of them remain as jaded as they've ever been. So maybe it's not the job.

I could get married. Absolutely out of the question. I have no potential partner and have not nearly enough money. That and plus related angst factor. With my luck, doing this could have fatal consequences. And no one should marry just because. That's like playing Russian roullete. You could get lucky. But how often does that happen ? With my luck, I'll end up with the Wrong person. Notice capital W.

I could travel. Yes, I want to do this. I want to go to Hawaii and wipe out spectacularly as I learn to surf. I want to go visit places like Borobudur, Macchu Picchu and the Pyramids of Giza, take pictures and post it on my blog. I want to visit my friend in DC and very possibly end up locking her out of her own house. Again. I want to go to England and watch a Conference League football game while hurling abuse at the ref.

Unfortunately, I'm not very rich and the collection of funds for my round-the-world frolic is going to take a while.

I'm not sure what I want. Can anyone be sure about what they want ?

National Treasure

Today I was very bored. Still bored right now actually.

Apart from doing more computer stuff, nothing happened today. This post would probably be boring too.

Oh yes I did catch National Treasure last night. That movie was surprisingly good. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

I love the little plot twist in the end. Treasure hunting movies have been done to death but this was really, really good. I mean clues based on history ? Fun.

Nicolas Cage was quite low key in this. I liked this too. I was expecting him to be all gung-ho and bombastic a-la Lara Croft but his character here is closer to his The Rock character.

I think he's an excellent actor.

Diana Kruger is in this too. She's quite the hottie and not a bad actress. I love her accent. One more big plus for this movie is the script. Quite funny in places and not at all speechy.

I guess I've been watching too many speechy epic movies.

Also featured here are Sean Bean (as the bad guy), Jon Voight and Harvey Keitel are in this movie too. All great people here.

Go and watch this movie and have a good time.

Hmm, I'm still bored....

Locked & Loaded

I tried to take pictures of myself today. I looked terrible.

Then again, I'm slightly hung-over, my unwashed hair is all over the place and I have a HUGE pimple on my right cheek. The fact that I somehow always look worse in photos doesn't help.

Or maybe it's the bad lighting in my room that's messing up the pics. Well, well. Looks like I've found myself something new to fiddle with.

FYI, this is the camera that I got yesterday, the Olympus Camedia C-370. It's a simple, no frills one. It should be enough for a beginner I hope.

As can be expected I've been shooting randomly in the last few hours. It's very fun. I accidentally took some very good shots too.



Like this one. I like the dark/bright thing going on there. It would've been sharper if I had gotten up and walked towards the fish deco thingie instead of zooming in.

All I need to do now is practise enough to actually get good shots on purpose. I took that picture when I went to see Florence last night.

Poor girl. She lost her handphone on Monday night. She's pretty broken up about it. It was a very good phone.

Anyways, perversely I was looking to see if being around her after so long would cause any angst-like emotions. Instead I got nothing.

Am I cured ? Let's not jinx ourself by declaring it just yet right ? I had fun last night, taking random pictures of everything and making stupid jokes.

On the whole yesterday was a pretty good day. I actually had a lot of things done.

In other totally unrelated news, I went to a that bookstore in Sarawak Plaza last night. I was reading through a combat aircraft mag when to my disappointment, I found out that the great F-14 Tomcat is being phased out of service and will be gone by 2007. They are being replaced by F/A-18s.

To think if I was bigger and didn't wear glasses, I might've found myself in an F-18.

I like planes. Especially military ones. I wanted to be an RMAF jet pilot before I found out I had to wear glasses. That was disappointing too.

Anyway I love the Cat. And not because Tom Cruise flew one in Top Gun. Bye Bye Cat.

Ok, excuse me while I go and charge my camera batteries....

Camera

What do you replace angst with ? A camera of course.

I bought a camera today.

Now I have to figure out what to do with it.

I'll post more later

Acting

I woke up this morning to find streamyx off line again. Looks like I'll be hot footing it to a cyber cafe again for awhile. I'm not surprised at all by this. At least I managed to complete all my downloads before the death of DSL..

I downloaded the Buffy Season 6 special features last night. It's great, but then again I'm extremely biased about Buffy so everything Buffy related is good. It's a thing, you know ?

Anyway, I especially love the musical episode featurettes. In fact I love featurettes in general. They tell you things about films, filming, direction, production, special effects, the writing process etc. I also like cast/director/producer commentaries for the same reason. Very, very educational. And also funny. For example, check out the cast commentary on The Grudge DVD. It was hilarious.

Sarah Michelle Gellar's a funny girl. She should do a comedy feature. She's also a brilliant dramatic actress. No one can pull off angst like Sarah can...

Another thing I picked up while watching DVD featurettes and the-making-of specials is how horrendously difficult acting really is. Imagine doing a role that requires you to be someone who has absolutely nothing in common with you.

I did some acting once, if you could call it that. I was 16 I think and it was a Boys' Brigade NCOs retreat. We were divided into groups and each group was supposed to write a short skit with a horror theme. I played a corpse. I had no lines, obviously.

I was terrified. I think if I had to to that now, I'd be looking forward to it actually.

As difficulty as acting is, I do find myself being tantalized by the idea of acting. It's one of those things that on starting level, seems almost possible for everyone to do. It;s only when you need to do a character that is nothing like yourself that it looks nearly impossible anyway.

I think so anyway. I'm a layman, don't ask me whether any of this is true or not.

In other news, I'm off work tomorrow. Therefore as a reminder to myself, I need to get my guitar fixed, complain to Telekom about Streamyx (again) and hunt for a camera.

And maybe later in the evening I could look up Florence and see what she's up to. Maybe I'll get angsty again and write another long, ranty post.

Update:-

Report logged to Streamyx Helpdesk. Now, lets see how long this takes.

Bla and Yet More Bla

I'm trying to write at the moment and I'm coming up all dry ice and hot air. I guess angst and pain do have some good side effects. One of which is to provide fodder for long ranty posts. And let's not forget tragic novels and emo song lyrics.

It's just occured to me that I've never really tried to write a cheery post before. In fact, I don't even know what it looks/sounds like.

So what can I say today ? Well, it's Monday and I just know that it's going to be a long, excruciatingly annoying day. I think this is because external auditors are coming today. I just know that they'll find something wrong. And I just know that my boss will panic and ask me to jump through hoops to distract the audit people.

I know auditors are normal, regular people (well, they LOOK human anyway). Yet they fill me with such dread. It's like when you're driving and you get pulled over by cops. You might have done absolutely nothing but the dread is still there.

My boredom is obvious and palpable isn't it.

Anyway, I did want to comment on something. I read a good blog post yesterday, about eloquence. The author of said post was saying how impressed she was with the writings of many bloggers on her list (which I checked and yes those people do write very extremely well). And how she wonders what makes these people so eloquent.

The thing is the writer herself is an excellent writer in her own write.

Whether I'm eloquent or not, I'm not so worried about. It depends on a readers perception I guess. What did strike me was how here we have a skilled writer and she's fretting about how her own blog posts are not as good as others (incidentally I don't agree with her, her posts are great).

I always thought that people who are good at something never feel insecure about themselves. But I guess that's not true. In a way it's a good thing. It makes you try harder.

It is now pass 8 o'clock and I need to go and drink some coffee. Have a good day.

Bla Bla Bitty Bla

Oh how dull it is to be working on a Sunday morning whilst others are sleeping in or out and about enjoying a slow, leisurely breakfast.....

To make up for that, I will also be slow and leisurely this morning. The only good thing about working weekends is that there's nobody around and I can take my time doing things. It's oddly peaceful here sometimes. Like this morning with the rain and everything.

How about some post depression situation report eh ?

Well, I feel much, much, much better. A little sun, a little company, some driving about and some shopping did the trick. No drugs or alcohol were used. Of course blogging is always a big help. And music.

All the things that bothered me over the last week seem less important somehow. At least for today everything is fine again. I wonder when will it come back ? I guarantee it will come back. I'm suddenly curious about how am I going to react when it comes again.

I have G-Mail invites to give away. If anyone is interested, please mail/message/call/leave a comment. Don't forget to leave e-mail info.

In other news, while I was so wrapped up with issues last week, a few good things happened.

The blog registered its 10,000th hit (!!). That was cool. Very cool. Okay, I won't lie. I like the fact that my humble blog is being hit and being read. I like the attention. It's very nice. Thank you so much.

Also this week Riding the Mellow is one year old. I've written about this before, but I thought I'd mention it again. I'm quite pleased.

I completed downloading Buffy Season 6. Very high quality DivX video. All done is record time too. When I downloaded Season 5, it took more than a week. After some more experience with my Bit Torrent client, I've managed to optimize it and did the whole 9Gb download in a little over 4 days.

I watched the whole season again over the last few days. This season is the dark one, where the demons the Scooby Gang fought were internal more than external.

The thing that stood out the most in Season 6 is Buffy. God, she was depressed. I could really relate to her. I knew what she meant when she said that she didn't feel like she was all here and that something was wrong with her. I found Season 6 more enjoyable now than when it was first aired.

Ok, that's our Buffy talk for today. Next download ? Season 7. And I might start downloading Angel Season 3, once I rustle up some extra hard disk space.

I'm thinking about changing the blog layout. I think a change of scenery would be nice. I'll probably do it as soon as my laziness goes away.

And talking about scenery changes, I'm also contemplating another job change. I want to work regular hours again. I'm still weighing the pros and cons right now. This is not a high priority though, after all it's kinda difficult to find decent work here right now. I also might want to do something different. Something not IT related. We'll see what happens in the coming months.

I also wrote down a wish list of stuff that I might get in the next 6 months. We all know that shopping and buying stuff is an effective anti-depressant no ?

1- Big hard disk. I saw one at my regular PC bits & pieces shop. A nice 120Gb, 7200rpm, 8mb cache Maxtor hard disk. I'm getting this soon. Or maybe I should pay a little extra, go the extra mile and get that Hitachi Deskstar 200Gb one instead. Hmm choices, choices.... Any suggestions ? Oh and since these big drives are power hogs, I need to change my power supply to 450watts. Better not forget that....

2- Digital Camera. Freakin' OCBC rejected my credit card application for reasons known only to itself. Which may be a good thing because a credit card is a dangerous thing to have. Especially when you're drunk and you've just met an SIA stewardess who you simply, absolutely have to impress with your...errr "wealth". So the credit card is on hold for now. Which means that I might have to settle for a less capable camera. I'm planning to go do a survey next week.

Why the big deal about a camera ? Many reasons, one of which is the fact that I don't have any good pictures of myself that's not taken 6 years ago. Also, I want to find out if I have any knack for photography. I've seen some photoblogs and they look awesome. I also think my friends would appreciate having someone around who's got a camera.

I've just realized that if I were to list everything that I want to get (including low priority stuff and luxury items) the list will be extremely long. And I've just noticed that this post is getting pretty long also.

Mustn't get carried away now. Have a nice weekend then.

Currently Listening to Already Met You Superfine Ultimate Buffy Soundtrack

Rebuild

Blogger can be a major annoyance sometimes. I was trying to post today but I couldn't log in.

Something happened yesterday that gave me a major lift. I went online yesterday and talked with friends. Before that I went to see another friend and we discussed a few things over dinner at MJC.

I feel much, much better after that.

One of my friends told me perhaps I should get professional help with depression because she did the same thing and it helped. I've been thinking about it. It would probably help. All the things that I go through can't possibly be normal. No way can a person think so lowly of themselves without something something being pathologically wrong with them.

But unfortunately I live in Malaysia and that kind of help is not exactly accessible arround here. Not to mention the potential public stigma of being a "crazy" person for needing phsycological help. I really don't need to have another negative label to be associated with me now.

Therefore, I'll just stick to blogging for some relief. It's working so far. And music. Loud angry music. Which I have plenty of.

And talking about people's mental state, an article about it came out in The Star a few weeks ago. I can't find the link anymore. Basically it mentions the fact that people should take it more seriously and it is a bigger problem than we care to admit.

True. Unfortunately I don't think anything will change regarding that. That's just the way here. How you look and how you behave is more important than what's going on in your head. Millions upon millions are spent by the government on programs to engineer how we behave and how we appear to others. Not that it's a complete waste of time. But I think some things get overlooked here. And not to mention the stigma imposed by some ultra-conservative elements of our society.

I could use some of that help. I could use someone on the outside to analyse what's going on in my head. I want someone to tell me exactly what the hell is wrong with me. And more importantly I'd like to know why.

But as the cliche goes, life will go on. In the mean time, I will cope as best as I can. Perhaps with all this written down for all to see, it will help me avert the worse of its effects.

To clarify, there's more going on in my life and in my head other than my exasperation with my inability to date. While all this is going on, me and a friend of mine have some business deals underway that could change everything if it works out. And I mean everything. So as not to jinx the hell out of it, I'm not going to say much more. Suffice to say that if it does work out, it'll be the single most meaningful thing I've ever done in my life. Ever.

Perhaps I could write more about these other parts of life. I could write about the books I read and the movies I like. My vast music collection. Cars. Computers. Guitars and associated gear.

And to clarify again, I'm not the artsy type. Therefore I don't really read much fiction and sometimes fail to appreciate abstrate art, films and other media. Many of my interests are mainstream. To some I might seem astoundingly dull and typical. And maybe I am. So real sorry if I don't come across as the sensitive, new age guy. I kinda wish I was actually.

I'm going to try and spend my time doing other things. If that doesn't work and if nothing changes at all, then what else is left to do but hang on right ? At least I'm trying, which is more than I can say for a lot of people.

At least I'm trying.

Currently Listening to What Is It To Burn ? Finch What Is It To Burn ?

What Next ?

I've been seesawing between writing another long ranty post, a totally innocuous one or not writing at all the whole night.

I'm not entirely sure about what I want to write about. I'm still feeling a little depressed right now.

I want to stop feeling depressed. I really do.

I'm taking myself out of the game so to speak. That's the number one cause of depression and I'm not going there anymore. I'm not going to try and meet new people to see whether I could find someone I could date. It just hurts too much when it doesn't work out.

Sounds like I'm giving up doesn't it ? Maybe I am. I don't know yet. It could be permanent or I could go back on myself two days from now. Whatever....

I'm not going to try and change and "be a better person". What the hell does that mean anyway ? Am I a bad person now ? Am I inadequate in some way that I'm not aware of ? What is it ?

And what exactly does it mean when people say I have to be more confident ? I know that it's important, but there's something that I've been wondering about.

People tell me that I should be more confident, but no one ever tells me HOW. Confident about what ? How do you get to be confident ? And no, I can't find out for myself because I've been doing that forever and I still don't know. Is it even possible for people to suddenly say to themselves "Ok I'm confident" and be confident ? Isn't that called a delusion ?

I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but I get frustrated sometimes. It's frustrating when you know you have to do something but don't know how to do it.

So what do I do about the loneliness that sometimes plagues my life ? Nothing. Nothing seems to work so I'm not going to try anymore.

I'm not going to do anything. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to go and try and forget it.

I've made peace with myself today. Despite my desires, I officially admit that maybe I'm fated to be alone. I face up to the fact that I will probably never get the relationship that I want. That all of it was the stuff of dreams and nothing more.

I going to stop asking why other people can do it and I can't. Maybe that's how it's meant to be. If I'm meant to end up with someone else, then I depend on fate to create a suitable situation that I won't invariably screw up. I want to believe that it'll happen when it does, not before and not after.

I can no longer trust myself to do it for myself.

A friend of mine mailed me weeks back and mentioned something. She said that my own-selfconciousness is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy. She's the second person to say this to me.

And maybe she's right. Here we have the what. But again, we still don't have the how.

How do I get out of this vicious circle which I have made for myself ? How ?

And so I've decided, in the coming months I'm going to have to try and find something else to fill my time. Maybe I will forget ?

Currently listening to Good Bye to You Michelle Branch

Update:-

It is now 6.15am. I'm about to get off work. I feel much better now.

Closure is important. It is important to bury the dead and remove skeletons out of the closets.

I guess I never did lay my ghosts to rest. That's why they always come back.

But I must never forget what I did and what I went through, for to do that is to condemn myself to repeating history. I won't forget. Perhaps then I'll be more deserving of the contentment which I seek.

When am I going to get over all this totally ? Who knows ? Maybe never. I accept that.

Only time will tell.

Helpless

*Warning: Long post

So where is this "life" that's supposed to begin at 30 ? I haven't seen it yet and I only have 8 years left before my decade is up. Ten years, not a long time.

Before I forget due to my remarkable self involvement, I would like to express gratitude to commenters from yesterday's post. You have been too kind.

But humor me please. It's time to ask another stupid question. I keep hearing that there are things you can do in order to remove insecurities or at least reduce them enough to a level that does not debilitate & diminish. So, how ? How do you ? Do I need to see a shrink ? What do I have to do ?

And for the love of God, please don't say,"It's up to you to find out". I refuse to accept that answer. If you know then you know, if you don't know then say so. I'd rather take,"I don't know" any day then some lame ass comment like that.

There was a friend I had to whom I asked the same question. She said,"You have to find out for yourself." Well screw her for saying that. You see, that time I was caught in a triangle and the one reason she said that was because she was backing the other guy. Hell, most of my friends at that time backed the other guy. And why shouldn't they ? He was well liked. He was popular. He was a real socialite with connections and friends all over the state.

And I was a dork. And I felt betrayed. Which is why I don't see or talk to any of these people anymore.

Fast forward a few years, and again I'm screwing up another relationship unknowingly. But this time, at least the girl I was going out with told me straight and in minute detail exactly what I was doing wrong. How I stifled her with my constant attention. How I should back off a bit.

It wasn't pretty and it wasn't all pleasant. But I needed to hear it. We became very, very close friends. But nothing more. She married three years ago and now has a 11 month old baby girl.

She SMSed me out of the blue last week, asking me how I was.

So what was the point of all that ?

One, the truth is necessary. It can save and liberate and in the very least save years and years of futility as you "try to find out for yourself". There be times that the truth must be told by someone else. It's not pretty. But truth rarely is and rarely has to be.

Two, there are still people who care enough. After all this time, I could paint entire woman-kind as evil and self-absorbed, interested only in money and prestige and getting the best out of their male partners. I could just as easily say that women are stupid since they seem to like men who treat them like cattle and ignore the ones who do care about them. Why not ? I have the "evidence" of my own experience.

But I can't because I also have evidence that it's not like that at all. I've said it before. The problem is not men. Nor is it women. The problem is people. The problem is us. People keep wanting things that they can't have or are bad for them. People keep making mistake after mistake and never ever learn, ever. People get stuck in a rut and somehow can't figure out how to escape. Or are too frightened to.

So what do we do about that ? On some days, it's just so hard to find encouragement and be hopeful. Not even prayer seems to help.

But time goes by, and what else is there to do but to go through life as it goes on. I just hope I can handle it. I just hope I didn't waste too much of my life running around in circles and chasing lost causes.

I hope you had a nice day.

Gone

It seems to me that these days my so-called off days aren't as "off" as I'd like them to be. Like last night, I was supposed to meet someone but ended up reformatting someone else's computer. Not that I don't enjoy it but I sometimes wish I had more time to do everything and see everyone.

Then there's my parents' car. The thing broke down on them. Two months ago. So in the mean time, they use my car when I'm not working. Which sucks because that means I can't go out until they come home. Which is usually late. A friend of mine is going away soon and I can see her during the day. Which is when I don't have a car.

Anyways, the last four days I did some thinking while I was at home. I'm going to stay away from self-pity for a while. It's bad for morale. Especially mine.

So what right ? I might as well make peace with the fact that I'm not attached and not able to fix it. These things can't be forced, I should already know this. There are other facts that I must face up to.

Like, for average joes and janes out there it's always harder. Because the regular person is always the one with the doubts and the fear and the uncertainty. It's not as easy getting notice when you're just a face in the crowd.

But whatever, you know ? What can I do about that ? What can I do about being 5' 3" and insecure ? Nothing. What can I do if I meet someone and she doesn't like me because I'm 5' 3" and insecure ? Nothing. I could whine and rant and bitch until I quiver but how is that going change the fact that I'm 5' 3" and insecure. It can't.

I guess I'm gonna have to live with that. I'm 5' 3" and insecure. I can't make small talk. I can't make with the funny without feeling like an idiot. I cannot suddenly become uber-confident and sure of myself and be all detached and not-nervous. I can't deal with any of my stupid hang-ups. So, let them be.I've tried to change and fix, but nothing's really changed at all. This is part of who I am. This is the package. This is it.

It's my fault really. I want the unattainable. And so does everyone else. We all want our Helen and Adonis. Not Mr Joe Regular and Miss Plain Jane. Right ? We hurt and why ? Because Helen and Adonis doesn't want us, that's why.

I have a picture in my head of how she looks like. She's perfect. Yeah, cool. But I forgot to consider whether I'm perfect to her. And for that oversight, I deserve all the pain I have felt before, now and later. Serves me right.

And so with this whole thing, I fall back to one last thing. Divine intervention. That's the only way.

That I could get lucky. Not because of whatever I did, but just because I got lucky. It could happen right ? It happens to other people right ? I hope so you know.

Will I suddenly be all stoic and stop writing about my feelings, my angst and other mushy crap on my blog ? Hell know. I still feel and so I might as well write them down instead of allowing these feelings and desires to make me do any number of rash and irrational things. Online, I'll probably still sound the same.

My promise is that I'll never talk about this again in real life, unless if someone else brings it up. I'll never ask for advise, I won't ask for help and I'll never ever wonder why out loud. Ever. It's done, I've said all that I can say and there's nothing new anymore. I've tried and my friends have tried to help. What else can anyone do ?

That's right, not a whole lot. And so, that's it. As far as trying and looking is concerned, I'm done.

Yay !

A mish mash of things...

I'm not working today. And won't be at work till Monday ! Yay ! I so need a break right now......

I'm bored. I'n going out later. I don't know where to go yet. I'm going out alone. Probably. Spontaneity is fun sometimes.

I have errands to run tomorrow. Bills to pay. My credit card application....... was rejected. Dammit. I'll never get my camera like this.....

I have mail to write. Maybe later tonight ? Or am I going to procrastinate ? We'll see. I'm running out of things to download. Anyone have any suggestions ? I also have Gmail invites. Interested ? Tell me.

I'm feeling strangely calm today. In the spirit of simplifying things, I'm not going to ask why. This post has absolutely no point. Which is nice in a way.

Ok I need to shower.

Deleted Post

I've just deleted a huge draft of a post. A huge depressing post at that.

While it is healthy to express feelings and let things out, I feel like I may be overdoing it.

Okay, for my own benefit I will re-write a post based on the deleted draft.

I'm kinda depressed. True. What am I depressed about ? Not exactly sure, but probably emotional stuff. Probably. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

However, thanks to having a blog that depression has not manifested itself physically. I don't mope around, wear a long face and listen to emo songs all day long. I went to see my cousin just now before work and if you ask him, he will tell you that I'm not depressed.

In fact, go back a few weeks and ask anyone whom I talked to and they will say that I'm fine.

Yes I'm fine, all things considered. Most of my trouble is internal and I'd like to keep it that way. Am I deliriously happy ? Not even close but neither am I suicidal.

Thanks to having a blog, I do not have to impose and trouble my friends with all this crap. Since if I did, then that would be me repeating myself. I guess this is an admittance that I no longer feel comfortable compaining to my friends about my perpetual state of emotional turmoil. Now I'd only talk about it if they brought it up first.

Why is that a big deal ? It's a big deal because I used to have a reputation as a whiny little bitch. I've messed up a lot of friendships because of the excessive whining. It's a big deal because I haven't done that for quite a substantial amount of time. And I'm glad I don't have to.

In real life, I'm not this depressed (I hope so anyway). Anymore. Things are okay on the whole. Apart from my emotional turmoil, the rest of my life is not so bad. My job is ok, I've just gotten my bonus and am expecting another one in about two weeks. My cousin and I have a little something up our sleaves that is so big, should it go ahead as hoped I wouldn't have to worry about money as much.

I have my friends and they are good people. My family relations are far from perfect but at least they're still there. I have my PC and the ability to use it. I have other stuff that other people don't have. I know things that many others don't know.

But I want more ! I want things to be better than this. I want most of all to be rid of this inner turmoil and be at ease with myself and my situation. I wish I knew how.

I guess no one's life is ever complete.

Beauty

We're getting audited this week. So that means I got tons of paperwork. Sometimes, I feel like I'm working onboard a nuclear submarine instead of a factory, what with all the forms and checklists I have to crosscheck for the audit.

Not exactly fun but must remember money, money. Which I need. I want to buy a Mohawk 10" subwoofer or bazooka tube and matching amp to juice up my car audio. Yes, yes it's a waste of money and I probably wouldn't die if I don't buy it. But I want. And right now I think that's more important than need. What is freedom & liberty if not the ability to buy stuff you don't need ?

Which reminds me; Maxtor 160Gb 7200rpm hard drive at RM360 = Pretty big bang for buck. Plus, I could use all that space to continue downloading Buffy episodes.

Ahh, Sarah Michelle Gellar. She's my idea of beauty. I have this friend who tells me that he doesn't think she's so hot. She's too small he says. Well of course, he's 6 ft tall. So yeah, SMG's too small. At 5' 3", I don't think she's too small. I'm about the same height so she's just nice. Of course, if I ever hang out with her she might have to lay off the boots and platforms.

I realize I'll never meet her in a million years plus she's married to that ponce Freddie Prinz Jr. But that doesn't stop me from being obsessed with her. Ok, that was a confession. I have issues, you know. So what are you, perfect ?

Seriously though, my idea of physical beauty is more loose than a lot of people I know. Some of my friends tell me I like plain, girl-next-door types. Like, like Willow ! I don't disagree. I have gone,"Wow check her out" as I notice someone and all my friends would say,"Huh ? Who ? Her ? Dude ? What the hell is wrong with you ?". Yeah, that happens.

Another thing, you know those ultra hot women that most guys drool over ? Not exactly my cup of tea. My friends have gone,"Wow she's hot !" and I'll go,"Nah... she's too fake looking, like she's been photoshopped or something". Yeah this happens too.

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

I have met some gorgeous, conventionally beautiful women in my time. And made friends with some of them. So, I'm lucky like that.

There's my ex-collegemate who's now in DC, and her cousin whom I've met only once (and she is one of THE most physically beautiful woman I've ever seen, bar none) who is also now in the US. There's Joyce, who was remarkable since she was pure blood Iban and didn't look like one at all. Plus she had height and poise. And there was that Eliza Dushku look-a-like from my New Years' Eve Permai trip. She was hung over and wore no makeup whatsover and still looked good. Too bad I didn't notice the night before.

Sorry, nostalgic rambling there. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Maybe I'm trying to talk about perception. With maybe one or two exceptions, most of these girls that I consider beautiful would be considered plain by most people. And now I wonder what is it that shapes that perception ? What makes it different from one person to another ?

I'll tell you what though, there's things that will turn me off completely. And one of those things is materialism. Measure me by my net worth and watch me disappear.

Unfortunately, so many women are like that. That sucks.

A Wedding

Right now I'm reaping the benefits of having a journal. Right now, for absolutely no reason whatsover I'm extremely, extremely depressed. And bored.

If I had no written record of it happening before to remind myself, I'd be going through the motions right now. But this time, I'm ready. No senseless moping this time, no sirree. No stupid questions either. I'm depressed, just because. Not because I'm single, or because I'm disillusioned by my job, or the so-called lack of excitement in my life. Just because. It's probably hormones.

So I bought myself an extra pack of cigarrettes, just in case.

I've just returned from a wedding dinner at a local hotel. My first cousin. Whom I barely know. I have a gigantic extended family, but I know so few of them. Plus, being the quiet one doesn't help you get noticed, so people tend to not notice me much.

One of those reasons why I wished I was more of an extrovert. Like my brother.

I normally shy away from functions like these, but it was a real huge deal for my parents so I decided to go. You see my dad is adopted, and tonight was a wedding on the side of his real family.

Weddings make me think about all kinds of stuff. And tonight was no exception.

I saw my cousin and her husband milling around and serving guests whiskey, which is mandatory for us Iban people. And I thought,"How sure are they that they found the right one ?" Before I'm accused of being a cynic, I meant that in the nicest way possible. And then I thought, maybe it doesn't matter if they found It. If they talk and try to work things out, maybe it is possible to make an imperfect relationship function. Passion and chemistry are good, but is it REALLY necessary ?

And so, I realize that I'm close to breaking.

I'm beginning to think that I either settle for whatever is available, or die waiting to find the so-called One. Seriously, out of a thousand joe/jane regulars how many will get the lucky break. Or for that matter, is there any hard evidence at all that the so-called One actually exists. Or is it just a figment of our naive, hopeful imagination.

I admit. Being single kinda sucks. If you're single and like it then cool. But I've been that for too long and it's not working out for me. Ok, the name calling and insults can start now.....

I have my pride. Part of me tells me to hold out and not sell out so soon. Part of me tells me to wait and fix my hang-ups and insecurities before thinking about this. I mean, no woman wants an insecure guy right ?

But part of me now tells me some of my so-called hang-ups can never be mended. Maybe it's part of what makes me me. Maybe I don't need to find the One, so to speak. Maybe it's good enough to be with someone who cares enough to listen and compromise and is good to me, regardless of my own feelings for her.

Maybe that's what I'm meant to have and the reason why I get so unhappy is because I've been fighting the inevitable ?

I just don't know.

Ask or Don't Ask

Last night I went to a friend's house to format a PC. We ended up drinking and talking about religion, sex, philosophy, cars, blogging and our experiences with errr....."substances".

Yes, I wasn't always this clean. I've had my share of "experimentation". I'm not an addict by any means but I do know why people take drugs and what it does to you.

I don't encourage it but I don't regret having those experiences. There are advantages actually. If I ever have a kid and if one day he/she got high on weed, there is no way in hell he/she can hide it from me.

Anyway, that's not the point of the this post.

The point was supposed to be how pleasant it is to have impromptu deep conversations with friends. Especially when these don't happen as often as it used to.

Everyone's busy nowadays. It's harder to make friends. It's either people are busy or people are too apprehensive. Either way, as we get older our friends drift away and there's no easy way to replace them. I tried to this last year and not much joy there.

I think it's a damn shame.

I think that simpler people have less trouble with friends and relationships. Simple as in not wondering about the why's, wherefores, motives and intentions.

I have a friend who recently got himself a nice girl for a girlfriend. Looks pretty serious. This guy's approach is very simple. He nevers asks why the girl likes him. It's enough that she does and it's not important to know why. He's been like this ever since I've known him. He gets dumped and he doesn't agonize over why. He gets a new girlfriend and he doesn't care why. I'd pay money to be this resilient.

I think being simple isn't the key here. The key I think is not worrying. Easier said than done, that's for sure. But some people can pull this off. It's cool.

Being insecure and irrationally nervous sucks.

I think part of my problem is that I think too much and I ask too many questions. Why and how and what if and other shit like that. I'm starting to think that if I didn't ask so many questions and just keep my mouth shut, I'd be a lot less depressed and a lot less alone. That way maybe I could ask people to go out with me and NOT undermine my self-esteem by wondering why they said no.

There are parts of me that I don't like and being stupidly insecure is one of them. How do I get over that ?

See ? Another unanswerable question.

Currently Listening to "Giving Up on Love", The Ataris, End is Forever

Writing Things

A friend of mine e-mailed me the other day. She said some awfully nice things. Like how I should write for money.

I'm flattered that someone thinks that I write well enough to do that. I've been called lots of things, but never a would-be writer.

I was housekeeping my links section just now. It just occured to me how many professional writers and other artists there are on my blogroll. Now these people write well. People like Dina Zaman. I mean check out her latest post. And Sativa. And others, who write extremely well.

In fact I did get an invite to contribute to a well known local news website and I was so pleased with that invite. I haven't done anything about that though. That's quite a big leap for an obscure blogger. I'm kinda tempted though....

I'm in good company here. You know what they say about how when you hang out with people of a certain disposition some of their traits will rub off on you ? I hope that's true. I think I write well enough for my own purposes but I think I still need a little bit of work on clarity and conciseness.

Until I decide I'm adequate enough, I think I'll restrict my writing excercises here. Hopefully people come and read. If anyone's got any suggestions please do share. That's what the comment box is for.

In other news, I'm suddenly very busy again today. I need to rush out later to meet up with a cousin about some business. It seems that there's an opportunity that's come along that I could take seriouly. It can actually lead to another career change. I'll keep you all posted.

That means I have to leave out some chores and errands today. Plus I still have no car and I don't enjoy being transport-less. Especially here in Kuching.

Ok gotta run. Post later.

One Year Ago This Month

Still in reflection mode. Allow me to ramble randomly.

Ah yes, much like the first day of school the first day of work after New Year's day can be filled with much dread and trepidation. Especially when you haven't had a long enough time away from it. Or is it too much time away ?

I'll say it right here, I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and watch my Buffy DVDs and play Rome : Total War or something. I want to continue updating my mp3/wma library information (I'm only up to J). How I wish I didn't need the money.....

There, I feel slightly better now. Don't mind me, I'm just being a lazy prat again. I'm terribly unambitious like that.

Can you believe it ? Riding the Mellow is nearly one year old. That's amazing, me of the never-finish-anything-I-start fame has a blog that is one year old. Or rather me of the formerly-never-finish-anything-I-start fame.

I remember that day one year ago. It was the 29th of January. I was sitting in a cybercafe reading threads on the Buffyworld forums. I haven't gotten a car yet. It was evening and I was running out of stuff to surf. That was when I recalled a conversation I had with friends about blogging, something I've only heard about in passing before.

And so out of the blue I signed up for one. And suddenly, I didn't know what to do with. What do I write about ? And so it began.

And now, one year on this blog's got a life of it's own. I haven't gotten bored of it. I think I write much better now too, because of the practise. Which was one of my original intents when I started, so that worked out just nice.

I'm pleased with it.

Here's to more posts in this next year *cheers*

Things to Think About

Remember that thing I mentioned about the Eliza Dushku look-a-like ? Not going to do anything about it. I won't be looking up phone numbers or trying to work up a way to "bump" into her or anything like that.

I don't know her, I haven't talked to her and I have no desire whatsover for her. Granted she's very interesting and if she's interested I won't say no immediately, but I thought about it and the only reason I was agonizing over her was because of other people.

I'd rather not right now. Let people talk and say what they may.

A lot of stuff happened to me this year. Some of it good, some of it bad, most of it extremely mediocre.

I did buy a car finally. My financial state is something I can be grateful about. I can afford stuff, including some luxury items that I don't really need but want to have. Like a good video card. And my mp3/wma capable in-car audio. I now can treat my friends to lunch/dinner without batting an eyelid and without worrying whether I'll be short when I need to buy something else.

I guess that means I'm grateful for having a decent job. It can get dull sometimes but at least I don't hate it with a vengeance. I still hope to go out and do my own thing in the near future though. Ultimately that is what I want.

I'm extremely thankful for all my friends, all of them from different cliques. Too many to name, these people are the best you could ever meet. And with that, I also realize that I can be very inconsiderate and self-absorbed when I'm with them. I'd like to say how sorry I am. Whatever I said or did that was not cool, it's never deliberate. I write this here so I don't forget. I know sometimes I may not be the best friend anyone could have. I'd like to let you know that I try.

At the top of the list of good things for 2004, this lil' blog tops it without any doubts. In the course of posting this whole year, I've grown to be more aware many, many things. Like people and how we can be very different without disliking each other. It confirmed my belief that we can disagree on many issues and still be friends. The rest of the world needs to take a cue from us bloggers. It'll be a better place for sure.

It made me more aware of myself. It made me look myself in the eye, analyse and take stock. It forced me to look for flaws and weaknesses. More importantly I saw things that I needed to work at and mistakes that I would likely to repeat if I didn't blog about it. Hopefully, I won't have to.

I also met the coolest bunch of people through the Kuching Bloggers Group. I regret the fact that we didn't hang out more often. I realize we're all busy but I just wish, you know. But the times that we did meet, those times are truly unforgetable. I realize sometimes I may come across as being overeager. I'll say this right here, I hope I didn't creep any of them out. Please tell me if it is so. I hope we can hang out soon.

I'm also thankful for the other bloggers on my list whom I have come to know very well through their blogs. People who live in other parts of the world who if not for blogging I would never get to know. And readers who take precious time to read and leave comments. The feedback is priceless and I hope I can do justice to them. I can't thank you enough.

I had a crush this year and took a risk. It didn't pan out, but I learnt (or relearnt) valuable lessons. And in so learning, I hope to benefit and find a way around my own shortcomings. Perhaps one day, I'll post some good news relationship-wise. Don't hold your breath though, there is every chance that I'll never get it right. I have major problems in this area and a lot of work will be needed. It's one of those things I need to work at.

I look forward now to 2005. Perhaps things will get better. Perhaps I'll make it better. Maybe I'll get a promotion. Or a new job. That would be nice. Extra money is always nice.

Perhaps I'll meet new friends. Tis always great to meet new people, both in the real world and online.

I hope to be more resilient to pain and disappointment. I'd like to be able to shrug things of, especially rejection. And fear. I hope I get mad enough to disregard it when I need to.

My greatest wish is to repair my self-confidence. I've never admitted this openly I guess so maybe I should. Perhaps a confession is a start. My self-confidence level is inadequate. I have no idea why and where it comes from. I don't know whether the way I feel about myself is justified or is there something seriously wrong with me.

It's always been that way. I don't know how yet, but I hope to find the source of the trouble and slay the demon. God knows I need to, considering the kind of trouble it causes me.

2004 has been a year of discovery. What would be 2005 be like ? I can't wait to find out.

Jungle Party at Camp Tranquile

I just came back from the most fun New Year's Eve bash I've had in the longest time.

We, myself and three of our friends arrived at Camp Permai at about 2.00pm to set up. Lots to do, set up the sound system, cool the booze, peel garlic etc. And of course, go through our bottle of rum.

Camp Permai, not the most well known of retreats but the place is gorgeous. There we were, playing music loudly in our cabin right in the middle of the jungle. I like the way they built the cabins and tree houses. These man-made structures blended right into the background without being the least bit intrusive. The place is surreal. And the Jungle Pool is the best idea ever. They basically diverted and caught water from a jungle stream. The water was pure, cold and clean. I loved it.

We also saw a monkey steal food from a nearby cabin. My friend took pictures and tried to scare the monkey off by swearing at it in different languages. It didn't work.

The rest arrived at about seven onwards. I think there were around 14 of us total. And they brought more food and booze. We had enough food to feed an infantry company and enough alcohol to drown a water buffalo in. It was great.

Unfortunately, I drank too much too fast and passed out by 10.00pm. So when the year changed, I was in the cabin trying to stand up and failing miserably while the rest of the guys were outside at the pit eating and singing loudly and drinking.

I have to remember to not chase vodka with more vodka. I think next time I'll just chase my drinks with coke like how normal people do it.

The 1st of January dawned bright and clear with no rain, which was weird since it's the rainy season. We slowly made our way to the barbecue pit to drink tea and eat bread. We talked about what we thought of 2004. For many of us, it was a good year. For me it kinda sucked. Later we went to the Jungle Pool again. Nothing like jumping into cold, mountain water to cure hangovers.

Camp Permai is gorgeous. I wish I had a camera.

It was a great party to see out the year. Friends, food, booze aplenty. Plus the jungle and all its various sounds.

Oh and one more thing.

One of my friends brought along his girlfriend and she brought along another (girl)friend. She looked like Eliza Dushku, I swear it ! Heck, she is the SAME age as Eliza Dushku ! And she was Iban ! And from Kuching ! And NOT a child ! And SINGLE ! *gasp shock horror*

Errgghh, curse me and my inability to make small talk. Plus, I couldn't do much cause at least two other guys (who are my friends) were all over her.

But really, I feel like I should've done or said something and now I'm kicking my ass. I didn't feel so badly at first because I thought she was from Miri like some of our other guests. Yeah, that was my lame attempt at justifying my inaction. I was actually telling myself there's no point since she's not from around here and I'll probably never see her again. I didn't start kicking my own ass until my friend said,"Dude, she's from here la..."

Before we parted ways, I did go up to say hi and ask her name. I think she noticed me notice her while we were having brunch. I hope I didn't creep her out.

Yes I'm lame like that. I guess this is one thing I need to work at. And fast.

But bless my friends, for once they were seriously supportive. Don't be shy they said. Just do it. We support you.

Still, I don't know whether I want to seek her out yet. Maybe I will. Maybe.

So how did your New Year's Eve go ?

Currently Listening to "Perfect World" Simple Plan Still Not Getting Any....