Brutal Truth

Ahhh....

The PC reformat was a complete success. Now it's new again. Of course, reinstalling everything was a boring three hours but it's well worth it. My PC feels really good now. And me too.

Yesterday, I made the deadly mistake of heading home at 6.00pm (i.e Rush HourTM). I got as far as the traffic lights at Kpg. Gita when I turned my head right and notice the endless line of vehicles headed in my house's general direction stretching as far as the eye can see. Kuching's a smallish town but if ever there was a KL'esque traffic jam, it would be on the ONLY route to my house.

Matang is now officially the host to The Worse Traffic Jam in Sarawak. Too bad I live there....

So in the end I ended up cutting off other motorists to head towards town. Anyway, I needed to send my Mean Girls DVD to a friend anyway.

I hung out at my friend's house for a while. It was good. I haven't really seen much of her since she got married. I've known her for like 14 years. The good thing about friends like that is that you can depend on them for brutal honesty.

I've been experiencing an emotional fallout of sorts the last two days. No thanks to all those angry, metal songs I've been listening to.

It's something to do with stuff that happened the last few months. Again. Nay, the last 10 years. It's that relationship conundrum. Again.

Anyway, I had a deep conversation with my friend two nights ago. No need for details, but let's just say that I told her to be brutally honest with me.

She was.

The short of it ? Certain things we do, get in our way. Sometimes, it's actually better NOT to be ourselves. Certain "weaknesses" cannot be changed without turning yourself into someone else. The best you can do is to wear a mask and hide it.

What is love if not a game of deception ?

In the beginning, you put your best foot forward. You put on your game face. You play tactics and take advantage of situations to your strong points. At the worse level, you tell lies to either discredit a rival or to fish for sympathy. At the very worse, we deceive even ourselves to appear more desirable.

To be totally honest and open, that's a recipe for total disaster. How many times have you scared off someone you wanted by doing so ? There is no balance there. Too hot and appear desperate. Too cold and appear uncaring. Middle ground ? You become her friend. Even worse, you're just like a brother.

Why some are better at this than others ? The truth is it depends on how good you are at making the impression. It depends on how well entertain and style yourself to the others' liking.

It all boils down to social skills. If you don't have it, then God help you.

In the end, you hope that you two are close enough to be comfortable with each other. Comfortable enough for the masks to be dropped. If you still like each other's true selves, then go on. If not, then say your goodbyes and move on. It's unfair to lead people on.

These things are truth. Think about it. You can subscribe to all the romantic ideals all you like but how many times do fairy tales come true ? If it happened to you, then count your blessings.

That was what I got from the last few days. From an old friend who really does care, enough to not spout cliches.

It was a release. I felt pretty good. Truth is bitter, but good for the soul.

I had another chat this afternoon with another friend. And from that, I got a few more things....

Like I told her, I shouldn't care anymore about something that's so obviously out of my control. What else can I ask of myself ? I have tried my absolute hardest. Good or bad, I need to be satisfied with that. I risked. I tried. It didn't work. Fine.

Tomorrow is a new day and this will pass as usual. In the days after that, I do not wish to reflect & analyse my so-called situation. No use trying to change what you can't. If it is supposed to happen, then it will. If not.....

At the same time, I'm not going to insist that I'm ok. I'm not. I want something but I can't get it. What else am I supposed to feel ? I don't need to lie and tell myself that it means nothing because it does. I think I need to feel the disappointment. At least I won't feel so cold.

I'm tired. I need to rest.

Currently Listening to : "Wild Horses", The Sundays, Blind