I realize that I haven't been online much this week. No, I'm not avoiding anyone. I've been extra tired this week is all. Also, I think Buffy Season 5 is going to occupy quite a bit of my time actually. Download was completed last night.
Tomorrow, I will go and lose half my money paying all my bills. It's a good thing the end of the year is nearly upon us. I will be free from 60% of my payments come end of December. Perhaps I can save money and go on holiday somewhere far. Or maybe buy something expensive.
I've been sitting here since 11.30 trying to write something philosophical. I failed. I've written two entries worth of stuff and it didn't make any sense.
I guess profundity needs inspiration. I'm feeling less than inspired right now.
I could write about how I envy other bloggers who seem to be able to write and verbalize complex concepts effortlessly. But I've done that before so I won't do it again.
Maybe envy isn't the term that I'm looking for. Maybe awe. That's better.
I was a Science stream student. I studied Physics, Chemistry and Advanced Maths while my peers were doing Literature and Art. The practise of logic and sequential thinking took precedence over creativity.
And now, I work in IT and am permanently surrounded by computers and related equipment. Even when I'm home.
I'm sure that has some effect on the way I write, don't you think ? It's quite frustrating when I try to write something creatively and have it come out sounding so contrived.
I guess that's why we have artists and writers and viewers and readers. Not everyone has It. Not everyone's muses are loud and obnoxious.
Creative people are special because you can't "learn" things like that. Creative people have It. I am in awe of them.
This evening, I'm going to cool my heels. I have one precious off day tomorrow.
Currently Listening to "Another Year" K's Choice, Ten Years of K's Choice
Edit: I nearly forgot ! Samhain is here. Happy Halloween all.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Linkage
I feel all warm and fuzzy. I've been wading through my own archives, especially the very early ones. I get warm and fuzzy everytime I reminisce and look back at anything at all. Even the bad, embarassing stuff. Warmth & fuzziness, nice feelings no ?
I remember reading from somewhere that the term "weblog" was originally used to describe a page or site that is basically a collection of links. And so, in the retro old skool spirit that I sometimes feel, this post will have links in it.
I'm going to respond to some of those popular search terms that people have used to get to this blog. And by the way, hit trackers are bizarrely entertaining aren't they ?
To whoever's been looking for whatever thing Torrent related, please go to Suprnova. Or Torrent Reactor. Both excellent torrent sites with many, many choices for games, apps, tv shows & music of course. Torrent Reactor has porn too for those of you who are into that kind of thing. You will find links for both in my links list to the left of the screen. Please scroll down a little.
And talking about Bit Torrent downloads, my Buffy Season 5 download stands at 96.7% as of 5.45am this morning. It should be done when I get home. Twenty two episodes of wholesome Buffy goodness ! Yay !
To whoever' been looking for Vanessa Carlton's new song (White Houses), download it using WinMx. DO NOT use Kazaa unless you actually like spyware ! Or buy it from iTunes or something. Or go to her official website and stream it from there. You can see the video for it too. If I'm not wrong, last month they had a really good quality video you can watch but they seem to have taken it down. Now you'll get a less hi-res one, but still ok. Her new album Harmonium is coming out 9th November. Can't wait.
To that person who was searching for "Paskal malaysian military exercise 2004 ", errr sorry I can't help you.
Ditto with those people who were looking for information about Iban masks. And porn related stuff. And nude Bidayuh girls. Sorry dudes. To my knowldge, local girls here aren't too keen about posing nude and working in the porn industry.....
Those people looking for Sarawakian blogs there's plenty in my bloglist on the left side of your screen. You may need to scroll down a bit to see it.
Do you work in a network environment ? Do you work the helpdesk ? Would you like to be warned about failures and breaches BEFORE irate users call you ? Need software to play guard dog in your network ?
Try this. It's just a little download, very simple to set up and use. But it's extremely powerful and can be configured for use in almost any Windows based environment. Try it. Simple, small but powerful. Like Harry Potter's wand. Unlike other monitoring software, it's also dirt cheap.
We use it here where I work (the software not the wand). It rocks.
Spyware sucks. Use this if you have trouble with spyware and other assholey bots that do things like hijack your browser. It works and it's free. No strings attached. I endorse it personally.
And finally if you like the Internet as much as I do but hate all those annoying adds, pop-ups and malware as much as I do, stop using Internet Explorer.
Gee, this post is sounding a lot like spam isn't it ? Come to think of it, is there such a thing as a spam blog ?
Heh. My brain must be fried from spending too much time at the office. Three days down, five to go.
I remember reading from somewhere that the term "weblog" was originally used to describe a page or site that is basically a collection of links. And so, in the retro old skool spirit that I sometimes feel, this post will have links in it.
I'm going to respond to some of those popular search terms that people have used to get to this blog. And by the way, hit trackers are bizarrely entertaining aren't they ?
To whoever's been looking for whatever thing Torrent related, please go to Suprnova. Or Torrent Reactor. Both excellent torrent sites with many, many choices for games, apps, tv shows & music of course. Torrent Reactor has porn too for those of you who are into that kind of thing. You will find links for both in my links list to the left of the screen. Please scroll down a little.
And talking about Bit Torrent downloads, my Buffy Season 5 download stands at 96.7% as of 5.45am this morning. It should be done when I get home. Twenty two episodes of wholesome Buffy goodness ! Yay !
To whoever' been looking for Vanessa Carlton's new song (White Houses), download it using WinMx. DO NOT use Kazaa unless you actually like spyware ! Or buy it from iTunes or something. Or go to her official website and stream it from there. You can see the video for it too. If I'm not wrong, last month they had a really good quality video you can watch but they seem to have taken it down. Now you'll get a less hi-res one, but still ok. Her new album Harmonium is coming out 9th November. Can't wait.
To that person who was searching for "Paskal malaysian military exercise 2004 ", errr sorry I can't help you.
Ditto with those people who were looking for information about Iban masks. And porn related stuff. And nude Bidayuh girls. Sorry dudes. To my knowldge, local girls here aren't too keen about posing nude and working in the porn industry.....
Those people looking for Sarawakian blogs there's plenty in my bloglist on the left side of your screen. You may need to scroll down a bit to see it.
Do you work in a network environment ? Do you work the helpdesk ? Would you like to be warned about failures and breaches BEFORE irate users call you ? Need software to play guard dog in your network ?
Try this. It's just a little download, very simple to set up and use. But it's extremely powerful and can be configured for use in almost any Windows based environment. Try it. Simple, small but powerful. Like Harry Potter's wand. Unlike other monitoring software, it's also dirt cheap.
We use it here where I work (the software not the wand). It rocks.
Spyware sucks. Use this if you have trouble with spyware and other assholey bots that do things like hijack your browser. It works and it's free. No strings attached. I endorse it personally.
And finally if you like the Internet as much as I do but hate all those annoying adds, pop-ups and malware as much as I do, stop using Internet Explorer.
Gee, this post is sounding a lot like spam isn't it ? Come to think of it, is there such a thing as a spam blog ?
Heh. My brain must be fried from spending too much time at the office. Three days down, five to go.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Rules for Blogging ?
At work now. Phone constantly ringing...
Early last week, I started a huge download. 8Gbs of Buffy Season 5. As of this morning, it stands at 80% done with 18 hours left. I'm excited. I noticed with great pleasure that the first episode was 100% done. And what good quality DVD rip it was ! I got really nostalgic. If all goes well, I'll start on Season 6 soon. Looks like I have to buy more blank CDs....
I miss Buffy. I wish she was still around. Despite her silly name, she is more relatable to me than many real people. Or maybe I'm just being a typical fan-boy here. Sorry, when it comes to the Buffyverse I am incapable of rational thought.
And talking about that, here's a bit of sad news concerning Joss Whedon. The man's a genius. I hope he'll come back one day and do well. I'll be watching Serenity when it comes out next year. The man deserves our support.
I'm in the office right now. I don't have much to say since the phone has been ringing constantly and my colleague is on leave. His wife gave birth three days ago. Good for him. Anyway, the ringing phone isn't doing my train of thought any good at all.
I read here and here about some so-called sins of blogging. I find it very interesting. While I agree in principal about these "sins", there are one or two things I could say.
I find that the actual rules of blogging are defined by the blogger him/herself. Some bloggers no doubt do it for readership. Some others are just curious about it. Still others use it to work out their issues.
As much as I insist that my blogging is totally free flow, there are certain patterns that I adhere to.
One thing, I NEVER plan my entries. This is my 180th entry and the number of preplanned, outlined entries that I have mulled over and made multi-drafts before posting are zero. Up till the present, my total of spontaneous, on the fly entries stand at.... yep you guessed it. 180. I find this to be the most satisfying way to write. Besides if I write based on an outline, my posts will sound like extracts from an elementary Physics textbook. Really. I've tried it.
The second thing is, I like to be prolific. I write as often as I can. Not too often though, saturation isn't a good thing either. I like blogs that are updated on a regular basis. I try to be regular too. If someone reads my blog and likes it because of its regularity, then I would be most pleased.
Do I care about traffic and readership ? Yes and no. Yes, it's nice to know that real people spend their precious time reading my blog. No, I don't write specifically to increase traffic. That was never what this blog was about.
Am I a "successful" blogger ? I'd like to think so. What makes this a success ? It's successful because it suits my purpose just fine.
And I know people read it too, so extra bonus points there.
I'm no Sixth Seal or fubar, but I'm quite happy with my lil' blog.
Edit: Broken link fixed.
Early last week, I started a huge download. 8Gbs of Buffy Season 5. As of this morning, it stands at 80% done with 18 hours left. I'm excited. I noticed with great pleasure that the first episode was 100% done. And what good quality DVD rip it was ! I got really nostalgic. If all goes well, I'll start on Season 6 soon. Looks like I have to buy more blank CDs....
I miss Buffy. I wish she was still around. Despite her silly name, she is more relatable to me than many real people. Or maybe I'm just being a typical fan-boy here. Sorry, when it comes to the Buffyverse I am incapable of rational thought.
And talking about that, here's a bit of sad news concerning Joss Whedon. The man's a genius. I hope he'll come back one day and do well. I'll be watching Serenity when it comes out next year. The man deserves our support.
I'm in the office right now. I don't have much to say since the phone has been ringing constantly and my colleague is on leave. His wife gave birth three days ago. Good for him. Anyway, the ringing phone isn't doing my train of thought any good at all.
I read here and here about some so-called sins of blogging. I find it very interesting. While I agree in principal about these "sins", there are one or two things I could say.
I find that the actual rules of blogging are defined by the blogger him/herself. Some bloggers no doubt do it for readership. Some others are just curious about it. Still others use it to work out their issues.
As much as I insist that my blogging is totally free flow, there are certain patterns that I adhere to.
One thing, I NEVER plan my entries. This is my 180th entry and the number of preplanned, outlined entries that I have mulled over and made multi-drafts before posting are zero. Up till the present, my total of spontaneous, on the fly entries stand at.... yep you guessed it. 180. I find this to be the most satisfying way to write. Besides if I write based on an outline, my posts will sound like extracts from an elementary Physics textbook. Really. I've tried it.
The second thing is, I like to be prolific. I write as often as I can. Not too often though, saturation isn't a good thing either. I like blogs that are updated on a regular basis. I try to be regular too. If someone reads my blog and likes it because of its regularity, then I would be most pleased.
Do I care about traffic and readership ? Yes and no. Yes, it's nice to know that real people spend their precious time reading my blog. No, I don't write specifically to increase traffic. That was never what this blog was about.
Am I a "successful" blogger ? I'd like to think so. What makes this a success ? It's successful because it suits my purpose just fine.
And I know people read it too, so extra bonus points there.
I'm no Sixth Seal or fubar, but I'm quite happy with my lil' blog.
Edit: Broken link fixed.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
The One
I've been listening to Alter Bridge over & over since last night. I love it. Mark Tremonti is a brilliant guitarist. You should listen to his riffing and solos. Brilliant ! And Myles Kennedy's soaring vocals remind me of the good ole days of rock.
As much as I love talking about it, this post isn't going to be about music.
I went to my favourite watering hole last night. Went to see a girl I haven't talked to in a while. Funny how normally unspectacular a person looks when you're not obsessed about her. And funny how less conscious of your own actions you get when you don't expect anything from her. And even funnier is when this lack of self-conscience actually helps you become better company.
That's a pitfall isn't it ? So keen are we to make a good impression and not say and do the wrong thing, we end up tripping ourselves up so much we end up NOT making a good impression.
Therein lies a paradox in relationships. The more desperately you want it, the less close you get to actually getting it. But that's the tricky part. You can act non-chalant in front of someone and that nervousness will show anyway.
So I conclude that in order to not make a prat of yourself when meeting someone is to act like it's nothing. Simple, yet nearly impossible to pull off.
I had a genuinely good time last night. Good, simple, straightforward conversation over drinks. Without any emotional & psycological baggage. None of that worrying whether she likes me or not. No more trying to read her body language and trying to guess what's she's thinking.
Say it quietly, but I think I may be getting close to figuring this relationship approach thing out. It's quite the eye opener.
I guess I just need to relax and not take it too personally. And I need more practise. It's take nearly two decades to get this far, but there you go. Men are stupid sometimes. Especially this one.
I had a chat with a friend over YM last night. She asked me what am I looking for in a girl. I told her I didn't really know.
But the truth is I do know. I just never really wrote it down before.
I see her in my mind's eye. I know the way she walks. I know how she sounds like. The smell. She used to have a face. But now as I get older, her face changes. Sometimes she has straight hair, other times wavy. Sometimes she's petite. Other times chunkier. Sometimes I dream about talking to her on the phone, not knowing what she looks like.
Not that it matters anyway. It's just looks.
Despite her everchanging physical appearance, there remains a certain common thread.
I know she's laid back and relaxed, at ease with me and herself. I know I trust her and vice versa. I know that she's not into playing silly games that some people like to play when they're in love. She isn't intense nor is she needy. She can be passionate but can be discrete about it.
She's open minded and not conservative. She isn't afraid to try new things. She doesn't keep secrets from me just because she can or because she thinks its necessary.
We relate to each other. We talk. About everything. When she's upset she tells me, without expecting me to read her mind. I feel safe with her, knowing that she won't betray me or be disloyal.
And the most important thing is she is as crazy about me as I am about her. The most important thing is The Click. That chemistry.
As I'm writing this, I can see her in my head. I want to tell everyone what she's like but my words are failing me again.
And now suddenly I wonder, does she exist in the real world ? Will recognize her if I bump into her in the street. Would I know it's her ?
Who knows ? There is every chance that I may end up with someone totally different from her.
And if that happens, would she still visit me in dreams ?
Currently Listening to "Open Your Eyes" Alter Bridge, One Day Remains
As much as I love talking about it, this post isn't going to be about music.
I went to my favourite watering hole last night. Went to see a girl I haven't talked to in a while. Funny how normally unspectacular a person looks when you're not obsessed about her. And funny how less conscious of your own actions you get when you don't expect anything from her. And even funnier is when this lack of self-conscience actually helps you become better company.
That's a pitfall isn't it ? So keen are we to make a good impression and not say and do the wrong thing, we end up tripping ourselves up so much we end up NOT making a good impression.
Therein lies a paradox in relationships. The more desperately you want it, the less close you get to actually getting it. But that's the tricky part. You can act non-chalant in front of someone and that nervousness will show anyway.
So I conclude that in order to not make a prat of yourself when meeting someone is to act like it's nothing. Simple, yet nearly impossible to pull off.
I had a genuinely good time last night. Good, simple, straightforward conversation over drinks. Without any emotional & psycological baggage. None of that worrying whether she likes me or not. No more trying to read her body language and trying to guess what's she's thinking.
Say it quietly, but I think I may be getting close to figuring this relationship approach thing out. It's quite the eye opener.
I guess I just need to relax and not take it too personally. And I need more practise. It's take nearly two decades to get this far, but there you go. Men are stupid sometimes. Especially this one.
I had a chat with a friend over YM last night. She asked me what am I looking for in a girl. I told her I didn't really know.
But the truth is I do know. I just never really wrote it down before.
I see her in my mind's eye. I know the way she walks. I know how she sounds like. The smell. She used to have a face. But now as I get older, her face changes. Sometimes she has straight hair, other times wavy. Sometimes she's petite. Other times chunkier. Sometimes I dream about talking to her on the phone, not knowing what she looks like.
Not that it matters anyway. It's just looks.
Despite her everchanging physical appearance, there remains a certain common thread.
I know she's laid back and relaxed, at ease with me and herself. I know I trust her and vice versa. I know that she's not into playing silly games that some people like to play when they're in love. She isn't intense nor is she needy. She can be passionate but can be discrete about it.
She's open minded and not conservative. She isn't afraid to try new things. She doesn't keep secrets from me just because she can or because she thinks its necessary.
We relate to each other. We talk. About everything. When she's upset she tells me, without expecting me to read her mind. I feel safe with her, knowing that she won't betray me or be disloyal.
And the most important thing is she is as crazy about me as I am about her. The most important thing is The Click. That chemistry.
As I'm writing this, I can see her in my head. I want to tell everyone what she's like but my words are failing me again.
And now suddenly I wonder, does she exist in the real world ? Will recognize her if I bump into her in the street. Would I know it's her ?
Who knows ? There is every chance that I may end up with someone totally different from her.
And if that happens, would she still visit me in dreams ?
Currently Listening to "Open Your Eyes" Alter Bridge, One Day Remains
Monday, October 25, 2004
Babblefest Mk. II
Unlike Buffy, I don't need to be nervous to babble. I just need to be bored. In fact, I think it would be nice if I could babble while I'm nervous. I think I look less nervous when I babble. Which I don't do if I'm nervous ?
What do I when I get nervous ? Never mind.
And talking about Buffy, I'm happy to note that The Grudge is No. 1 at the movies this week. I'm pleased. Ok being a Sarah Michelle Gellar supporter, I'm biased. I'll go and watch this movie and like it too. Even if it sucks. And I don't really want to use the term "fan" since it's a short form for "fanatic" and that word implies all kinds of things which I'm not (I think).
Before we go on, I'd like to make it clear that you will not find anything important or artful or profound or remotely useful in this post.
I want to say this because there are quite a lot of holier-than-thou judgemental people out there who think that because they're clean-living-righteous-conservative-folks-who-think-fun-is-illegal-AND-a-waste-of-time and I am not, they have some kind of divine right to tut-tut people like myself and my other esteemed blogging colleagues. And don't even get me started on pseudo-intellectuals......
Yes, I have a lot of issues with a lot of different people. But only if they have issues with me.
If my opinions piss you off, why are you still here ?? Shoo..!
This is MY blog and therefore I do not need to take into account public opinion when I write here ok ? Is that clear ?
Good. Now....
I had a huge scare this morning. I was driving and I somehow manage to not see a large yellow Trieniekens dump truck in front of me until I was about 2 feet away from it. Luckily, I was driving my brand new car and not my dad's Boneshaker Deathtrap(tm) so I managed to stop in time. The moral of the story ? Not nice to drive when you're sleepy and exhausted from 12 hours of night shift.
In other news, I have realized to my consternation that I'm a bit tongue tied presently. No not here on my own blog but other people's. I've read a good number of good posts the last few days and I feel compelled to say a few things but the damned words won't come out. Or when they do come out they don't sound the same as the ones in my head. What the hell is wrong with me ?!!
And don't get me started on grammar/spelling atrocities. As someone who allegedly has decent English, I should be flogged.
Wait a minute... A post is brewing in my head !!
I'll write it later then. Too lazy right now..,
PS. Alter Bridge rocks !!!
Currently Listening to "Subject to Change", Sum41, Chuck
What do I when I get nervous ? Never mind.
And talking about Buffy, I'm happy to note that The Grudge is No. 1 at the movies this week. I'm pleased. Ok being a Sarah Michelle Gellar supporter, I'm biased. I'll go and watch this movie and like it too. Even if it sucks. And I don't really want to use the term "fan" since it's a short form for "fanatic" and that word implies all kinds of things which I'm not (I think).
Before we go on, I'd like to make it clear that you will not find anything important or artful or profound or remotely useful in this post.
I want to say this because there are quite a lot of holier-than-thou judgemental people out there who think that because they're clean-living-righteous-conservative-folks-who-think-fun-is-illegal-AND-a-waste-of-time and I am not, they have some kind of divine right to tut-tut people like myself and my other esteemed blogging colleagues. And don't even get me started on pseudo-intellectuals......
Yes, I have a lot of issues with a lot of different people. But only if they have issues with me.
If my opinions piss you off, why are you still here ?? Shoo..!
This is MY blog and therefore I do not need to take into account public opinion when I write here ok ? Is that clear ?
Good. Now....
I had a huge scare this morning. I was driving and I somehow manage to not see a large yellow Trieniekens dump truck in front of me until I was about 2 feet away from it. Luckily, I was driving my brand new car and not my dad's Boneshaker Deathtrap(tm) so I managed to stop in time. The moral of the story ? Not nice to drive when you're sleepy and exhausted from 12 hours of night shift.
In other news, I have realized to my consternation that I'm a bit tongue tied presently. No not here on my own blog but other people's. I've read a good number of good posts the last few days and I feel compelled to say a few things but the damned words won't come out. Or when they do come out they don't sound the same as the ones in my head. What the hell is wrong with me ?!!
And don't get me started on grammar/spelling atrocities. As someone who allegedly has decent English, I should be flogged.
Wait a minute... A post is brewing in my head !!
I'll write it later then. Too lazy right now..,
PS. Alter Bridge rocks !!!
Currently Listening to "Subject to Change", Sum41, Chuck
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Between One Thing and the Other Thing
It's real quiet here.
I'm real tired. It's my last night of work for the week. Then off for three days. Or rather, two & a half because I'll be asleep most of day tomorrow.
Next two weeks will be tough. I have to work the next eight out of nine days because a colleague is getting married and I agreed to replace him. We gave him a good hazing on Friday night. Which reminds me, if I ever marry I'm not telling any of these clowns here at the office until AFTER.
I looked at the calendar and again it struck me how fast time flies now. Especially in the final quarter. It's as if time herself can't wait to get this year done with. Due to my coming tight schedule, November is going to come & go in a flash. By the time I get my first looong four day break, it'll be mid November already. Which reminds me, I need to apply for leave for the 26th & 27th of December.
I feel like I'm in some kind of hiatus right now. From life. I feel like I'm in suspended animation, pausing until something else happens in my life. Right now, I feel like being just an observer. Nothing is happening to me, but many things are happening to others. I just watch.
I feel like I'm in a "in-between" stage, just coming out of something and and waiting for whatever next thing that happens. You know ? Like half-time during a football game.
It's nice to watch. It's nice once in a while to not be caught up with the things that go on in life. Like the angst and the agony that comes with relationships. Like the frustations of looking for new employment. Like the stress and fear of having major changes in your life.
It's nice to be able to rest. It's nice to able to laze around the house doing not much and thinking even less. It's nice to hang with friends and have nothing seriously important to discuss.
Everything is routine at present. Calm and ordinary, with just enough highlights to prevent it from being monotonous and dull.
I want to revel in the relative tranquility that is now. I want to bask in my ordinary state of being. I know with my luck, it won't last. There will be upheaval and change soon enough, as it always will be. But not right now.
And for once, I hope that whatever thing is supposed to happen next let it be a thing that I can deal with. Let it be a thing that I've learnt lessons about. And may I not forget these lessons.
Maybe, next time the Fates will favour me ? Maybe.
I'm real tired. It's my last night of work for the week. Then off for three days. Or rather, two & a half because I'll be asleep most of day tomorrow.
Next two weeks will be tough. I have to work the next eight out of nine days because a colleague is getting married and I agreed to replace him. We gave him a good hazing on Friday night. Which reminds me, if I ever marry I'm not telling any of these clowns here at the office until AFTER.
I looked at the calendar and again it struck me how fast time flies now. Especially in the final quarter. It's as if time herself can't wait to get this year done with. Due to my coming tight schedule, November is going to come & go in a flash. By the time I get my first looong four day break, it'll be mid November already. Which reminds me, I need to apply for leave for the 26th & 27th of December.
I feel like I'm in some kind of hiatus right now. From life. I feel like I'm in suspended animation, pausing until something else happens in my life. Right now, I feel like being just an observer. Nothing is happening to me, but many things are happening to others. I just watch.
I feel like I'm in a "in-between" stage, just coming out of something and and waiting for whatever next thing that happens. You know ? Like half-time during a football game.
It's nice to watch. It's nice once in a while to not be caught up with the things that go on in life. Like the angst and the agony that comes with relationships. Like the frustations of looking for new employment. Like the stress and fear of having major changes in your life.
It's nice to be able to rest. It's nice to able to laze around the house doing not much and thinking even less. It's nice to hang with friends and have nothing seriously important to discuss.
Everything is routine at present. Calm and ordinary, with just enough highlights to prevent it from being monotonous and dull.
I want to revel in the relative tranquility that is now. I want to bask in my ordinary state of being. I know with my luck, it won't last. There will be upheaval and change soon enough, as it always will be. But not right now.
And for once, I hope that whatever thing is supposed to happen next let it be a thing that I can deal with. Let it be a thing that I've learnt lessons about. And may I not forget these lessons.
Maybe, next time the Fates will favour me ? Maybe.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Babble
Is it just me or is the end of the year always filled with some kind of melancholy ?
I'm not talking about me. Amazingly, I'm not feeling melancholic at all. In fact, at the moment I'm relatively content. I'm talking about people in general.
I have friends who went and lived and studied in temperate countries. You know, the ones with four seasons ? They tell me that people get more depressed and emotional more easily as the temperature goes down. I think that's true. Of course in my country, it either rains or not. Tis boring living in the tropics sometimes, at least with regards to weather.
Anyway, I have noticed that the end of the year brings a bluesy vibe that's unmistakably palpable. More people break up and fall out of relationships come October & November. Have you noticed that ? Since we don't have four seasons and the temperature is always consistently hot, is there some other environmental factor that I'm overlooking ? Or maybe IT IS just me....
I'm just babbling viewer. The fact is, I'm stuck in the office and prepping another workstation. I'm bored. So bear with me, kay ? Good.
And more melancholy related news, I have noticed with considerable sadness that over the last two days many bloggers have decided to reduce or stop their blogging. Including some bloggers that I know and read religiously.
Whatever their reasons, it's saddens me to see a blog no longer being updated. It's like having a long distance friend that you talk on the phone with regularly. Suddenly one day said friend calls to tell you that he/she is moving to somewhere else and can no longer call.
You wish the best for the friend. But it doesn't stop you from being sad about it. Somewhere deep down, you wish you could say something to convince them not to go away. But what can you do ? For whatever reason they stop, what can we do but wish them well.
So, to all of them - Best of Luck and may we meet again, in life or in cyberspace or both.
Actually I came close to stopping too. Twice.
One time, I got really intimidated by some of the blogs that I read and nearly stopped out of embarassment. Yes, my inferiority complex rears its ugly head again....
Another time was a few months ago while I was having my so-called "emotional upheaval" (which is completely over now, thank goodness). I was in a lot of pain and I was also feeling embarassed at the entries I was posting.
But I decided to keep going despite that. I figured if I were to stop doing this I'd forget and among other things, do all those things that I know I shouldn't do and say things I know I shouldn't say. Again. Repeat ad nauseum.
Among other things, this blog is a teacher. It prevents me from forgetting about the past. At least I hope so. Let's be clear, I no longer dwell in the past. Nor do I live in the future. But it's important to remember. There are lessons in the past that I cannot afford to waste time relearning. Again.
It's not all bad though.
I'm pleased to discover that the great LizzyQweer has returned with a new blog ! Welcome back Liz !!. May your blog not get hacked this time.
I'm well pleased.
Listening To "Eyelash" Juliet the Orange
I'm not talking about me. Amazingly, I'm not feeling melancholic at all. In fact, at the moment I'm relatively content. I'm talking about people in general.
I have friends who went and lived and studied in temperate countries. You know, the ones with four seasons ? They tell me that people get more depressed and emotional more easily as the temperature goes down. I think that's true. Of course in my country, it either rains or not. Tis boring living in the tropics sometimes, at least with regards to weather.
Anyway, I have noticed that the end of the year brings a bluesy vibe that's unmistakably palpable. More people break up and fall out of relationships come October & November. Have you noticed that ? Since we don't have four seasons and the temperature is always consistently hot, is there some other environmental factor that I'm overlooking ? Or maybe IT IS just me....
I'm just babbling viewer. The fact is, I'm stuck in the office and prepping another workstation. I'm bored. So bear with me, kay ? Good.
And more melancholy related news, I have noticed with considerable sadness that over the last two days many bloggers have decided to reduce or stop their blogging. Including some bloggers that I know and read religiously.
Whatever their reasons, it's saddens me to see a blog no longer being updated. It's like having a long distance friend that you talk on the phone with regularly. Suddenly one day said friend calls to tell you that he/she is moving to somewhere else and can no longer call.
You wish the best for the friend. But it doesn't stop you from being sad about it. Somewhere deep down, you wish you could say something to convince them not to go away. But what can you do ? For whatever reason they stop, what can we do but wish them well.
So, to all of them - Best of Luck and may we meet again, in life or in cyberspace or both.
Actually I came close to stopping too. Twice.
One time, I got really intimidated by some of the blogs that I read and nearly stopped out of embarassment. Yes, my inferiority complex rears its ugly head again....
Another time was a few months ago while I was having my so-called "emotional upheaval" (which is completely over now, thank goodness). I was in a lot of pain and I was also feeling embarassed at the entries I was posting.
But I decided to keep going despite that. I figured if I were to stop doing this I'd forget and among other things, do all those things that I know I shouldn't do and say things I know I shouldn't say. Again. Repeat ad nauseum.
Among other things, this blog is a teacher. It prevents me from forgetting about the past. At least I hope so. Let's be clear, I no longer dwell in the past. Nor do I live in the future. But it's important to remember. There are lessons in the past that I cannot afford to waste time relearning. Again.
It's not all bad though.
I'm pleased to discover that the great LizzyQweer has returned with a new blog ! Welcome back Liz !!. May your blog not get hacked this time.
I'm well pleased.
Listening To "Eyelash" Juliet the Orange
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Metal !!
"Join in my quest to leave life overturned
Spanning the world wave of doom
Spewing out death with the evil i've churned
Awaken the dead from their tomb
Love turns to lust the sensations i've felt
Exploring the pleasures of sin
Making the best of the cards i've been dealt
Adjusting the odds so i win
Unleash all my burning wrath
Potential killing machine
Take down all who block my path
Enjoying all that's obscene...
Born of Fire !!!!"
- Born of Fire, Slayer, Decade of Agression
I've been unusually busy these last three days. I don't even have time to comment on blogs and chat on YM ! Mostly because of the home network thing, which is now working perfectly. Now all my p2p clients can pass through it without being blocked by the firewall. It's unbelievable. That tiny plastic box not only routes but also contains a hardware firewall, a print server and a fully configurable DHCP server.
A few years ago, this kind of multirole capabilities didn't exist in equipment this cheap. Unbelievable. I love technology.
But that's not what I'm really happy about.
I run on music. I love it. I listen to pretty much everything. But when it comes to signifance, there is one genre of music that I really, really identify with. This genre was the music that I listened to in secondary school when I was in my teens. If you look at me, you wouldn't figure that I'd listen to such thing.
Thrash metal. That and all its possible permutations. Grindcore, speed metal, death metal, industrial. Bands like early Metallica, Sepultura, Slayer, Napalm Death, Terrorizer, Godflesh, Morbid Angel, Kreator, Onslaught, Obituary, Morgoth, Carcass, Benediction & more.
I don't look like your typical Mat Metal. Okay, now I have long hair but I don't dress like one. That's how far judging a book by it's cover will take you....
And contrary to what some may say, there is beauty in extreme metal. I thought it was just noise too. It was only after I learnt to play guitar than I began to notice. The melodies, the harmony, the grace buried under all that mutimegawatt cacaphony. The intricacy. The sublime skills and speed of some these musicians.
I love it. I love it's brutality, it's defiance, daring you to think and to visualise forbidden images that you never dared to. I love its layering and arrangement. I love the jackhammer drum patterns, thumping basslines and scorching, face melting solos.
It can be as epic as any classical masterpiece. It isn't just noise.
Why am I talking about this today ? Out of all my thrash metals album, one of my absolute favourites is Slayer's two part compilation "Decade of Agression". I bought it in 1991. I wore both tapes out. I went looking for it years and years.
I just finished downloading it just now. And man did memories flood back....
Ok, I must go. I must finish downloading Napalm Death's Harmony Corruption.
Oh and also install Dawn of War. Nice combo huh ? Warhammer 40,000 AND Slayer.
Waaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh !!!!!!
"You cannot hide the face of death
Oppression rules by bloodshed
No disguise can hide the evil
That stains the primitive sickle
Blood Red..."
- Blood Red, Slayer, Seasons in the Abyss
Spanning the world wave of doom
Spewing out death with the evil i've churned
Awaken the dead from their tomb
Love turns to lust the sensations i've felt
Exploring the pleasures of sin
Making the best of the cards i've been dealt
Adjusting the odds so i win
Unleash all my burning wrath
Potential killing machine
Take down all who block my path
Enjoying all that's obscene...
Born of Fire !!!!"
- Born of Fire, Slayer, Decade of Agression
I've been unusually busy these last three days. I don't even have time to comment on blogs and chat on YM ! Mostly because of the home network thing, which is now working perfectly. Now all my p2p clients can pass through it without being blocked by the firewall. It's unbelievable. That tiny plastic box not only routes but also contains a hardware firewall, a print server and a fully configurable DHCP server.
A few years ago, this kind of multirole capabilities didn't exist in equipment this cheap. Unbelievable. I love technology.
But that's not what I'm really happy about.
I run on music. I love it. I listen to pretty much everything. But when it comes to signifance, there is one genre of music that I really, really identify with. This genre was the music that I listened to in secondary school when I was in my teens. If you look at me, you wouldn't figure that I'd listen to such thing.
Thrash metal. That and all its possible permutations. Grindcore, speed metal, death metal, industrial. Bands like early Metallica, Sepultura, Slayer, Napalm Death, Terrorizer, Godflesh, Morbid Angel, Kreator, Onslaught, Obituary, Morgoth, Carcass, Benediction & more.
I don't look like your typical Mat Metal. Okay, now I have long hair but I don't dress like one. That's how far judging a book by it's cover will take you....
And contrary to what some may say, there is beauty in extreme metal. I thought it was just noise too. It was only after I learnt to play guitar than I began to notice. The melodies, the harmony, the grace buried under all that mutimegawatt cacaphony. The intricacy. The sublime skills and speed of some these musicians.
I love it. I love it's brutality, it's defiance, daring you to think and to visualise forbidden images that you never dared to. I love its layering and arrangement. I love the jackhammer drum patterns, thumping basslines and scorching, face melting solos.
It can be as epic as any classical masterpiece. It isn't just noise.
Why am I talking about this today ? Out of all my thrash metals album, one of my absolute favourites is Slayer's two part compilation "Decade of Agression". I bought it in 1991. I wore both tapes out. I went looking for it years and years.
I just finished downloading it just now. And man did memories flood back....
Ok, I must go. I must finish downloading Napalm Death's Harmony Corruption.
Oh and also install Dawn of War. Nice combo huh ? Warhammer 40,000 AND Slayer.
Waaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh !!!!!!
"You cannot hide the face of death
Oppression rules by bloodshed
No disguise can hide the evil
That stains the primitive sickle
Blood Red..."
- Blood Red, Slayer, Seasons in the Abyss
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Real or Not
My network is up !! I am Pleased.... It's nice to embrace my inner geek.
I remember a time when admitting that you're a "geek" was like committing social seppuku. Then again that was in highshool and you know how dumb kids are....
I was setting up my network last night (actually this morning) and while waiting for my Dad's Duron 650 to finish installing Windows XP Pro (Pirated Edition ! Now with LEGAL CD-Keys !! Get your copy now. This announcement was brought to you by the Regional Pirates Association, South East Asia Chapter) I was accosted by a stranger on YM. I'm kind of leery about strange people mailing/messaging me. There's lots of weirdos out there.
But luckily enough, this time it wasn't a repressed gay person asking me whether I wanted to "cyber" (this actually happened two weeks ago *sigh...*). It was a woman. A nice one too. In the end, we had the most gratifying chat about all kinds of things.
I have been asked whether making friends online is the same as offline. My answer is ? That depends.
Some people use the Net to hide who they are so they can do nefarious things like spread rumours, diss people, ask straight, decent people whether they want to "cyber" and generally make a nuisance of themselves. In this case, no you can't make friends with people who pretend.
On the other hand, if you're talking online with a genuine person then yes it's as real as in real life. Maybe even more real, since we don't have to worry too much about tangibles like appearances, physique, race, creed and the like. Less jugdment involved because there's less things to judge aside from grammar, spelling and manners. The chat window equalizes everyone. So does email. So do online journals and blogs. That's a good thing.
How about those people who insist that people who spend a lot of time online are social losers who can't make friends offline ? Well, I can always say these people aren't online because they're archaic and computer illiterate. But I won't because that's not true.
So it's also not true that people who chat and spend time online are losers. I spend a lot of time online. But I also have an outside life. I have friends off-line. I party. I get drunk. Not very geeky huh.
The moral of the story ? Stereotypes are dumb.
But that's human nature for ya. You know how broad sweeping statements are almost always untrue right ? So why are they still common ? Who propagates these things anyway ?
I remember a quote from Men In Black.
"A person is intelligent. People are stupid"
How true is that eh ?
I remember a time when admitting that you're a "geek" was like committing social seppuku. Then again that was in highshool and you know how dumb kids are....
I was setting up my network last night (actually this morning) and while waiting for my Dad's Duron 650 to finish installing Windows XP Pro (Pirated Edition ! Now with LEGAL CD-Keys !! Get your copy now. This announcement was brought to you by the Regional Pirates Association, South East Asia Chapter) I was accosted by a stranger on YM. I'm kind of leery about strange people mailing/messaging me. There's lots of weirdos out there.
But luckily enough, this time it wasn't a repressed gay person asking me whether I wanted to "cyber" (this actually happened two weeks ago *sigh...*). It was a woman. A nice one too. In the end, we had the most gratifying chat about all kinds of things.
I have been asked whether making friends online is the same as offline. My answer is ? That depends.
Some people use the Net to hide who they are so they can do nefarious things like spread rumours, diss people, ask straight, decent people whether they want to "cyber" and generally make a nuisance of themselves. In this case, no you can't make friends with people who pretend.
On the other hand, if you're talking online with a genuine person then yes it's as real as in real life. Maybe even more real, since we don't have to worry too much about tangibles like appearances, physique, race, creed and the like. Less jugdment involved because there's less things to judge aside from grammar, spelling and manners. The chat window equalizes everyone. So does email. So do online journals and blogs. That's a good thing.
How about those people who insist that people who spend a lot of time online are social losers who can't make friends offline ? Well, I can always say these people aren't online because they're archaic and computer illiterate. But I won't because that's not true.
So it's also not true that people who chat and spend time online are losers. I spend a lot of time online. But I also have an outside life. I have friends off-line. I party. I get drunk. Not very geeky huh.
The moral of the story ? Stereotypes are dumb.
But that's human nature for ya. You know how broad sweeping statements are almost always untrue right ? So why are they still common ? Who propagates these things anyway ?
I remember a quote from Men In Black.
"A person is intelligent. People are stupid"
How true is that eh ?
Monday, October 18, 2004
Torrential
I didn't go anywhere yesterday.
That's out of character. Me ? I'm the kind who'll get restless if I stay in the house for more than six hours.
But then, I had stuff to do. Like downloading. I finally managed to get the hang of Bittorrent. Found the optimum settings for use and managed to download two albums yesterday, Switchfoot's The Beautiful Letdown and Yellowcard's Ocean Avenue. Woe betide my modem.
And talking about woe, has anyone out there tried downloading an 8Gb file ? I'm doing that right now as we speak. My torrent client tells me that the entire thing will "only" take a week and a half. Assuming I never turn my PC off.
I suddenly noticed that I only have 80Gbs of hard drive to keep stuff on. Oh drat ! Need more money. Need more space. That means there are three things that I need to buy as soon as possible.
- Cam
- Graphics Card
- Big Ass Hard Drive
And talking about Bittorrent clients, try Bit Tornado. It's slightly faster than the default client.
Let's see what else is happening.
Today is my brother's birthday. We're going for dinner later. Which is fine. I'm also going to go and get my network equipment today. New toys !
And this post is very boring isn't it ?
But for me personally, "boring" is good. "Boring" means I'm not in trouble or upset or angry. Ok, it may not be as good as... oh say "ecstatic" but it's so much better than "depressed" right ?
Well, must get back to my downloads now. Have a nice day.
Currently Listening to "Life of a Salesman" Yellowcard, Ocean Avenue
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Sunday Postage
I was trawling through my archives just now and I noticed that my posts are getting humongously lengthy.
It's unbelievable that people would actually read through all that, bad grammar/spelling and all. And not only finish reading, people leave comments too. I like comments. Comments are nice. Yes, I'm an online attention whore !
I helped a friend start his blog today. I hope he will get addicted to it like I am. He also let me download all the pictures he took of the fallen Satok bridge on to my PC. I'll post those pics as soon as I clean them up. They're kinda blurry.
It's a damned shame what happened to that bridge. It's been there forever (well, since 1926 anyway). The Sarawak river looks empty without it. So typical isn't it ? To notice something only after it's gone...
And talking about pics, I took a blurry pic of my desktop using my friend's camera. As in my PC desktop, not the top of the desk the monitor is sitting on. I'll post that one too. Damn I need a camera. But I'll still broke. Double damn.
I read some blog entries today and some of these entries stung. I was about to comment on them by posting a rebuttal here, but then I thought...nah. These people's opinions are justified. I may not agree to some of it but to each their own right ? And besides, it's easy to get offended by remarks if you don't take them in the right context.
That's the thing. Context. You might mean well and think you're being friendly but to another person, you might seem like a loony. Or weird. Or a stalker. Or just plain annoying. It's a nice thing to be overtly friendly. I myself wish I could be more of an extrovert. But the friendly part doesn't work without the tact part. The tricky part of tact is that it's different for different situations and for different people.
That was my thought for today. It makes less sense than usual because I left out details and examples. Also, I don't feel like being too lengthy today.
All I know from that is...I still have so much to learn.
Currently Listening to "Stupid" Sarah McLachlan, Afterglow
It's unbelievable that people would actually read through all that, bad grammar/spelling and all. And not only finish reading, people leave comments too. I like comments. Comments are nice. Yes, I'm an online attention whore !
I helped a friend start his blog today. I hope he will get addicted to it like I am. He also let me download all the pictures he took of the fallen Satok bridge on to my PC. I'll post those pics as soon as I clean them up. They're kinda blurry.
It's a damned shame what happened to that bridge. It's been there forever (well, since 1926 anyway). The Sarawak river looks empty without it. So typical isn't it ? To notice something only after it's gone...
And talking about pics, I took a blurry pic of my desktop using my friend's camera. As in my PC desktop, not the top of the desk the monitor is sitting on. I'll post that one too. Damn I need a camera. But I'll still broke. Double damn.
I read some blog entries today and some of these entries stung. I was about to comment on them by posting a rebuttal here, but then I thought...nah. These people's opinions are justified. I may not agree to some of it but to each their own right ? And besides, it's easy to get offended by remarks if you don't take them in the right context.
That's the thing. Context. You might mean well and think you're being friendly but to another person, you might seem like a loony. Or weird. Or a stalker. Or just plain annoying. It's a nice thing to be overtly friendly. I myself wish I could be more of an extrovert. But the friendly part doesn't work without the tact part. The tricky part of tact is that it's different for different situations and for different people.
That was my thought for today. It makes less sense than usual because I left out details and examples. Also, I don't feel like being too lengthy today.
All I know from that is...I still have so much to learn.
Currently Listening to "Stupid" Sarah McLachlan, Afterglow
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Oddly Fine
I'm posting for absolutely no reason. Or I'm posting just for the hell of it. I haven't quite decided yet. Or maybe it's the same thing.
Or maybe.....
Ok I admit. I'm addicted to this blogging business. Despite not having anything significant to write about here I am as usual doing my stream-of-consciousness thing again. Albeit one can argue that I'm not supposed to be able to stream consciousness while being semi-conscious in my cubicle.
Whatever.
The fact remains that more than 48 hours of non-postage will see me exhibit withdrawal symptoms similar to recovering caffeine addicts. I need help.
And not only that. My blogging addiction has manifested itself in other ways, like when I go and hit other people's blogs every ten minutes going,"Dammit why haven't you people updated yet ?!".
And to think that I was so nervous about not being able to write when I first started out.
Actually, this topicless post is quite a respite from all the seriously overdramatic entries that I have been writing recently. Today (or this morning rather, since it's past midnight) you will not see any introspective ranting from me. None of that emotional angst business. No more asking of impossible-to-answer questions like "Why !?". Enough with the jaded-cynicism and the woe-is-me.
Well, at least for the time being anyway. Trust me when I say all that will be back to keep all of you highly entertained and on the edge of your seats. It's me we're referring to here, me whose existence will not be total without the required amounts of emotional trouble.
But seriously, I'm feeling strangely fine. I feel light, as if someone had taken the trouble to remove the anvil that was attached to the back of my head all the while without me realising it. In fact someone did take the trouble. This is not merely word play, there actually was a person responsible. Or persons rather.
Before I leave to prepare yet another Dell workstation for deployment, I would like to draw attention to comments that someone by the name of "flancer" left in the last two posts. Something to do with branches and cuts and flowers. Quite a clever comment actually, I didn't quite get it at first. Basically, "flancer" observes that yours truly has closed the book on the past and crossed the line, thus opening up possiblities for other things.
"Flancer", I hope you are right. I do have a feeling that I've gotten over whatever I was supposed to be getting over, but let's make sure that it's not a false dawn.
Well, that was suitably light-hearted. Now let's see how long this will last before I turn this blog into another emotional quagmire.
Someone should publish the odds....
Listening To "Full of Grace" Sarah McLachlan
(Edit : I noticed a huge number of spelling & grammar atrocities upon rereading this post five hours later. Forgive me people, this post was written whilst I was semi-conscious and caffeine deprived.
Must learn how to prood-read next time.)
Or maybe.....
Ok I admit. I'm addicted to this blogging business. Despite not having anything significant to write about here I am as usual doing my stream-of-consciousness thing again. Albeit one can argue that I'm not supposed to be able to stream consciousness while being semi-conscious in my cubicle.
Whatever.
The fact remains that more than 48 hours of non-postage will see me exhibit withdrawal symptoms similar to recovering caffeine addicts. I need help.
And not only that. My blogging addiction has manifested itself in other ways, like when I go and hit other people's blogs every ten minutes going,"Dammit why haven't you people updated yet ?!".
And to think that I was so nervous about not being able to write when I first started out.
Actually, this topicless post is quite a respite from all the seriously overdramatic entries that I have been writing recently. Today (or this morning rather, since it's past midnight) you will not see any introspective ranting from me. None of that emotional angst business. No more asking of impossible-to-answer questions like "Why !?". Enough with the jaded-cynicism and the woe-is-me.
Well, at least for the time being anyway. Trust me when I say all that will be back to keep all of you highly entertained and on the edge of your seats. It's me we're referring to here, me whose existence will not be total without the required amounts of emotional trouble.
But seriously, I'm feeling strangely fine. I feel light, as if someone had taken the trouble to remove the anvil that was attached to the back of my head all the while without me realising it. In fact someone did take the trouble. This is not merely word play, there actually was a person responsible. Or persons rather.
Before I leave to prepare yet another Dell workstation for deployment, I would like to draw attention to comments that someone by the name of "flancer" left in the last two posts. Something to do with branches and cuts and flowers. Quite a clever comment actually, I didn't quite get it at first. Basically, "flancer" observes that yours truly has closed the book on the past and crossed the line, thus opening up possiblities for other things.
"Flancer", I hope you are right. I do have a feeling that I've gotten over whatever I was supposed to be getting over, but let's make sure that it's not a false dawn.
Well, that was suitably light-hearted. Now let's see how long this will last before I turn this blog into another emotional quagmire.
Someone should publish the odds....
Listening To "Full of Grace" Sarah McLachlan
(Edit : I noticed a huge number of spelling & grammar atrocities upon rereading this post five hours later. Forgive me people, this post was written whilst I was semi-conscious and caffeine deprived.
Must learn how to prood-read next time.)
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Blast From Past
Life is like a box of chocolates.
Actually no, not really since the contents of chocolate boxes are rather predictable. After all, a box of chocolates obviously contain.....well, chocolates. Since life is rather unpredictable, why would it be compared to a box of chocolates, no offense to Mr Gump. Why would anyone call a box a box of chocolates if it DIDN't contain chocolates ?
Okay that was my lame attempt at anology for today. While we sit & recover from that, let me report something that was a good example of how unpredictable things can be. Something happened yesterday. Something totally unexpected, not unlike an artilery barrage where the shells are supersonic and you won't hear them until they hit. And suddenly the entire world is bursting all over you.
What happened was a bit like that, but in a good way. A very very good way.
Back in July & August, I tried tracking down a dear old friend from college. The trail, unfortunately went cold. I got mail from someone who is married to a mutual friend, but that unfortunately didn't pan out either. So I stopped searching.
So yesterday, after more PC housekeeping and digging around my room for my missing C&C Generals Zero Hour CDs (which I found by the way) I went online to chat & surf as per usual. I sign in to YM and what's this ? E-mail. Gee I wonder from who ? Can't say I'm expecting any...
So I check my mail like any other dutiful Internet addict and I got the shock of shockers when I saw the senders name. Could it be a hoax ? I open. I read.
"Someone forwarded me your blog page… I thought I'd write and say hello"
Just when I thought she was gone for good, she found me. I could not believe it. I replied in desperate haste.
And like a follow up infantry rush after the artillery barrage, I got a message over Messenger not 30 seconds later.
We chatted. For hours. And today too. Words fail to describe how good it felt to get in touch with someone from so long ago. Someone who knows me as well as her. Who remembers.
Old friends from the past are priceless. They have insight and knowledge about ourselves that even we ourselves tend to forget. I'm happy to note that while she has advanced her career and settled down (in Washington DC no less), she is pretty much the same chick I hung out with in college.
She was still the ole chatterbox and still really sweet. If we had talked over the phone instead of Yahoo Messenger, I shudder at the thought of the phone bill. We dug up ancient war stories from college (read: campus gossip). We talked about some newer things in our lives (she took up rock climbing !!!). It must've been seven years since we last spoke. So much to catch up on.
And what sense of timing !
Strangely, while we were chatting about things that were totally unrelated to my situation, it brought a sense of closure to all the shit that's been going on with me. She made me realize some important things about self and about life in general. About having faith. About being patient.
And suddenly I felt like taking back some of my earlier posts. Some of it was all wrong in places. But, not I won't take anything down. After all, "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it". Let all my mistakes, insecurities, hurt & disappointments be displayed here for all to see. Perhaps others can benefit ? Certainly I hope I will.
I still feel giddy. This is a good feeling. Reunions are nice like that.
Have a good night all..
Actually no, not really since the contents of chocolate boxes are rather predictable. After all, a box of chocolates obviously contain.....well, chocolates. Since life is rather unpredictable, why would it be compared to a box of chocolates, no offense to Mr Gump. Why would anyone call a box a box of chocolates if it DIDN't contain chocolates ?
Okay that was my lame attempt at anology for today. While we sit & recover from that, let me report something that was a good example of how unpredictable things can be. Something happened yesterday. Something totally unexpected, not unlike an artilery barrage where the shells are supersonic and you won't hear them until they hit. And suddenly the entire world is bursting all over you.
What happened was a bit like that, but in a good way. A very very good way.
Back in July & August, I tried tracking down a dear old friend from college. The trail, unfortunately went cold. I got mail from someone who is married to a mutual friend, but that unfortunately didn't pan out either. So I stopped searching.
So yesterday, after more PC housekeeping and digging around my room for my missing C&C Generals Zero Hour CDs (which I found by the way) I went online to chat & surf as per usual. I sign in to YM and what's this ? E-mail. Gee I wonder from who ? Can't say I'm expecting any...
So I check my mail like any other dutiful Internet addict and I got the shock of shockers when I saw the senders name. Could it be a hoax ? I open. I read.
"Someone forwarded me your blog page… I thought I'd write and say hello"
Just when I thought she was gone for good, she found me. I could not believe it. I replied in desperate haste.
And like a follow up infantry rush after the artillery barrage, I got a message over Messenger not 30 seconds later.
We chatted. For hours. And today too. Words fail to describe how good it felt to get in touch with someone from so long ago. Someone who knows me as well as her. Who remembers.
Old friends from the past are priceless. They have insight and knowledge about ourselves that even we ourselves tend to forget. I'm happy to note that while she has advanced her career and settled down (in Washington DC no less), she is pretty much the same chick I hung out with in college.
She was still the ole chatterbox and still really sweet. If we had talked over the phone instead of Yahoo Messenger, I shudder at the thought of the phone bill. We dug up ancient war stories from college (read: campus gossip). We talked about some newer things in our lives (she took up rock climbing !!!). It must've been seven years since we last spoke. So much to catch up on.
And what sense of timing !
Strangely, while we were chatting about things that were totally unrelated to my situation, it brought a sense of closure to all the shit that's been going on with me. She made me realize some important things about self and about life in general. About having faith. About being patient.
And suddenly I felt like taking back some of my earlier posts. Some of it was all wrong in places. But, not I won't take anything down. After all, "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it". Let all my mistakes, insecurities, hurt & disappointments be displayed here for all to see. Perhaps others can benefit ? Certainly I hope I will.
I still feel giddy. This is a good feeling. Reunions are nice like that.
Have a good night all..
Brutal Truth
Ahhh....
The PC reformat was a complete success. Now it's new again. Of course, reinstalling everything was a boring three hours but it's well worth it. My PC feels really good now. And me too.
Yesterday, I made the deadly mistake of heading home at 6.00pm (i.e Rush HourTM). I got as far as the traffic lights at Kpg. Gita when I turned my head right and notice the endless line of vehicles headed in my house's general direction stretching as far as the eye can see. Kuching's a smallish town but if ever there was a KL'esque traffic jam, it would be on the ONLY route to my house.
Matang is now officially the host to The Worse Traffic Jam in Sarawak. Too bad I live there....
So in the end I ended up cutting off other motorists to head towards town. Anyway, I needed to send my Mean Girls DVD to a friend anyway.
I hung out at my friend's house for a while. It was good. I haven't really seen much of her since she got married. I've known her for like 14 years. The good thing about friends like that is that you can depend on them for brutal honesty.
I've been experiencing an emotional fallout of sorts the last two days. No thanks to all those angry, metal songs I've been listening to.
It's something to do with stuff that happened the last few months. Again. Nay, the last 10 years. It's that relationship conundrum. Again.
Anyway, I had a deep conversation with my friend two nights ago. No need for details, but let's just say that I told her to be brutally honest with me.
She was.
The short of it ? Certain things we do, get in our way. Sometimes, it's actually better NOT to be ourselves. Certain "weaknesses" cannot be changed without turning yourself into someone else. The best you can do is to wear a mask and hide it.
What is love if not a game of deception ?
In the beginning, you put your best foot forward. You put on your game face. You play tactics and take advantage of situations to your strong points. At the worse level, you tell lies to either discredit a rival or to fish for sympathy. At the very worse, we deceive even ourselves to appear more desirable.
To be totally honest and open, that's a recipe for total disaster. How many times have you scared off someone you wanted by doing so ? There is no balance there. Too hot and appear desperate. Too cold and appear uncaring. Middle ground ? You become her friend. Even worse, you're just like a brother.
Why some are better at this than others ? The truth is it depends on how good you are at making the impression. It depends on how well entertain and style yourself to the others' liking.
It all boils down to social skills. If you don't have it, then God help you.
In the end, you hope that you two are close enough to be comfortable with each other. Comfortable enough for the masks to be dropped. If you still like each other's true selves, then go on. If not, then say your goodbyes and move on. It's unfair to lead people on.
These things are truth. Think about it. You can subscribe to all the romantic ideals all you like but how many times do fairy tales come true ? If it happened to you, then count your blessings.
That was what I got from the last few days. From an old friend who really does care, enough to not spout cliches.
It was a release. I felt pretty good. Truth is bitter, but good for the soul.
I had another chat this afternoon with another friend. And from that, I got a few more things....
Like I told her, I shouldn't care anymore about something that's so obviously out of my control. What else can I ask of myself ? I have tried my absolute hardest. Good or bad, I need to be satisfied with that. I risked. I tried. It didn't work. Fine.
Tomorrow is a new day and this will pass as usual. In the days after that, I do not wish to reflect & analyse my so-called situation. No use trying to change what you can't. If it is supposed to happen, then it will. If not.....
At the same time, I'm not going to insist that I'm ok. I'm not. I want something but I can't get it. What else am I supposed to feel ? I don't need to lie and tell myself that it means nothing because it does. I think I need to feel the disappointment. At least I won't feel so cold.
I'm tired. I need to rest.
Currently Listening to : "Wild Horses", The Sundays, Blind
The PC reformat was a complete success. Now it's new again. Of course, reinstalling everything was a boring three hours but it's well worth it. My PC feels really good now. And me too.
Yesterday, I made the deadly mistake of heading home at 6.00pm (i.e Rush HourTM). I got as far as the traffic lights at Kpg. Gita when I turned my head right and notice the endless line of vehicles headed in my house's general direction stretching as far as the eye can see. Kuching's a smallish town but if ever there was a KL'esque traffic jam, it would be on the ONLY route to my house.
Matang is now officially the host to The Worse Traffic Jam in Sarawak. Too bad I live there....
So in the end I ended up cutting off other motorists to head towards town. Anyway, I needed to send my Mean Girls DVD to a friend anyway.
I hung out at my friend's house for a while. It was good. I haven't really seen much of her since she got married. I've known her for like 14 years. The good thing about friends like that is that you can depend on them for brutal honesty.
I've been experiencing an emotional fallout of sorts the last two days. No thanks to all those angry, metal songs I've been listening to.
It's something to do with stuff that happened the last few months. Again. Nay, the last 10 years. It's that relationship conundrum. Again.
Anyway, I had a deep conversation with my friend two nights ago. No need for details, but let's just say that I told her to be brutally honest with me.
She was.
The short of it ? Certain things we do, get in our way. Sometimes, it's actually better NOT to be ourselves. Certain "weaknesses" cannot be changed without turning yourself into someone else. The best you can do is to wear a mask and hide it.
What is love if not a game of deception ?
In the beginning, you put your best foot forward. You put on your game face. You play tactics and take advantage of situations to your strong points. At the worse level, you tell lies to either discredit a rival or to fish for sympathy. At the very worse, we deceive even ourselves to appear more desirable.
To be totally honest and open, that's a recipe for total disaster. How many times have you scared off someone you wanted by doing so ? There is no balance there. Too hot and appear desperate. Too cold and appear uncaring. Middle ground ? You become her friend. Even worse, you're just like a brother.
Why some are better at this than others ? The truth is it depends on how good you are at making the impression. It depends on how well entertain and style yourself to the others' liking.
It all boils down to social skills. If you don't have it, then God help you.
In the end, you hope that you two are close enough to be comfortable with each other. Comfortable enough for the masks to be dropped. If you still like each other's true selves, then go on. If not, then say your goodbyes and move on. It's unfair to lead people on.
These things are truth. Think about it. You can subscribe to all the romantic ideals all you like but how many times do fairy tales come true ? If it happened to you, then count your blessings.
That was what I got from the last few days. From an old friend who really does care, enough to not spout cliches.
It was a release. I felt pretty good. Truth is bitter, but good for the soul.
I had another chat this afternoon with another friend. And from that, I got a few more things....
Like I told her, I shouldn't care anymore about something that's so obviously out of my control. What else can I ask of myself ? I have tried my absolute hardest. Good or bad, I need to be satisfied with that. I risked. I tried. It didn't work. Fine.
Tomorrow is a new day and this will pass as usual. In the days after that, I do not wish to reflect & analyse my so-called situation. No use trying to change what you can't. If it is supposed to happen, then it will. If not.....
At the same time, I'm not going to insist that I'm ok. I'm not. I want something but I can't get it. What else am I supposed to feel ? I don't need to lie and tell myself that it means nothing because it does. I think I need to feel the disappointment. At least I won't feel so cold.
I'm tired. I need to rest.
Currently Listening to : "Wild Horses", The Sundays, Blind
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Geek Post Ahead
My WinXP Service Pack 2 CD arrived in the mail today. I am pleased.
I'm also downloading Windows Media Player 10 as I write this. I like WinMP. It's not as bad as it used to be. I used to be a hardcore WinAmp user until WMP 9 came out.
And so, it's that time again for my semi-annual PC housekeeping/reformating/reinstall. It's good for the PC to be rejuvenated like that. I guess I was inspired when my parents decided to ransack & rearrange the kitchen.
It seems to me today is Tech Day. I went and did some window shopping just now for networking equipment to get quotes. I'm planning to get a D-Link DSL router, a NIC & 10 meters worth of cables. By next week, my house will be fully networked.
It's a blessing. I studied Computer Science, work in the IT field doing what I like (Tech Support) and I actually like computing as a hobby. I know many people who studied the wrong thing and got stuck in jobs where they do things they loathe.
I'm a geek & proud of it. And you jocks who picked on me at school, screw you all !! Hahaha !
Now, excuse me while I dig up my WinXP Pro CD. Time to reformat.
I'm also downloading Windows Media Player 10 as I write this. I like WinMP. It's not as bad as it used to be. I used to be a hardcore WinAmp user until WMP 9 came out.
And so, it's that time again for my semi-annual PC housekeeping/reformating/reinstall. It's good for the PC to be rejuvenated like that. I guess I was inspired when my parents decided to ransack & rearrange the kitchen.
It seems to me today is Tech Day. I went and did some window shopping just now for networking equipment to get quotes. I'm planning to get a D-Link DSL router, a NIC & 10 meters worth of cables. By next week, my house will be fully networked.
It's a blessing. I studied Computer Science, work in the IT field doing what I like (Tech Support) and I actually like computing as a hobby. I know many people who studied the wrong thing and got stuck in jobs where they do things they loathe.
I'm a geek & proud of it. And you jocks who picked on me at school, screw you all !! Hahaha !
Now, excuse me while I dig up my WinXP Pro CD. Time to reformat.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Today
I've just had an interestingly angry week.
First, those articles in The Star.
And then some stupid rumour.
At work, I've discovered that someone's been spreading unflattering rumours about me. That I'm gay or somekind of freak or something. No wonder I haven't managed to make any friends on the production floor. No wonder the girls avoid me like I've got leprosy. It makes sense now. I thought there really was something wrong about me. This has been going on for yonks and I've only found out about it recently. Happily, the guys in my shift aren't affected by it.
I have a pretty good idea who started the rumour. It's some retarded loser trying to stop me from making "inroads" with his "girlfriend". Hah ! As if I wanted the bitch anyway. Either that or he's jealous because my work is "easier" than his and my wages are four times more than his.
Three words loser. Priviledge. Of. Rank. It's not my fault if you can't score an admin job with just your SPM. I paid my dues ok..
That's just the thing. I don't want to diss anyone, but the fact is I don't find any women on the factory production floor appealing despite some of them looking really hot. Why ? Well, for most part....
- They're kids. Average ages are 17- 20.
- They're stuck up. A coupla guys (also kids) get interested and one "value" adjustment later, they will only entertain certain "elite" people. That's so high school. Then again, most of them just came out of high school so....
- They're stupid. Pick the wrong guy, get fucked and get dumped. Wonder out loud what they did wrong. Repeat.
Note: I'm not streotyping. There's some pretty decent people down on the floor. Thanks to those "stories", my so-called "rep" is now "tainted". If they can't be arsed to find out for real by asking me/about me, then it' s not my problem.
I don't care one way or another.
It's not all bad though. I've just downloaded Vanessa Carlton's Whitehouses ! I love her. She's awesome. Just saw the video too. Cute ! I think she's beautiful too. Such statuesque form ! Can't wait to get "Harmonium". That's her 2nd album. I'm buying original. She deserves to get my money.
Also, I noticed something quite weird with my Launchcast radio today. It's been playing angry songs. Really, really angry songs. One after the other. First there was Seether's "Sold Me". After that Trapt's "Still Frame". After that some song by Shinedown. Followed by Drowning Pool's "Bodies". In fact for the last 40 minutes, the only non-angry song played so far was The Corr's "Radio". It's uncanny how Launchcast is playing songs that fit my mood.
Also worth mentioning is this post I did and the response I got. For the first time, a debate on the blog ! Awesome ! For those of you who weighed in with your opinions, thanks ! We should do this again some time. Come on ! Someone recommend me a controversial topic to write about !
Also, this morning I went to an IBM Technical Workshop at the Hilton. The presentations sucked because of some technical problem but the food was great and I got me a nice fake leather notepad thingie.
I like.
Currently Listening to : "Whitehouses" Vanessa Carlton, Harmonium
First, those articles in The Star.
And then some stupid rumour.
At work, I've discovered that someone's been spreading unflattering rumours about me. That I'm gay or somekind of freak or something. No wonder I haven't managed to make any friends on the production floor. No wonder the girls avoid me like I've got leprosy. It makes sense now. I thought there really was something wrong about me. This has been going on for yonks and I've only found out about it recently. Happily, the guys in my shift aren't affected by it.
I have a pretty good idea who started the rumour. It's some retarded loser trying to stop me from making "inroads" with his "girlfriend". Hah ! As if I wanted the bitch anyway. Either that or he's jealous because my work is "easier" than his and my wages are four times more than his.
Three words loser. Priviledge. Of. Rank. It's not my fault if you can't score an admin job with just your SPM. I paid my dues ok..
That's just the thing. I don't want to diss anyone, but the fact is I don't find any women on the factory production floor appealing despite some of them looking really hot. Why ? Well, for most part....
- They're kids. Average ages are 17- 20.
- They're stuck up. A coupla guys (also kids) get interested and one "value" adjustment later, they will only entertain certain "elite" people. That's so high school. Then again, most of them just came out of high school so....
- They're stupid. Pick the wrong guy, get fucked and get dumped. Wonder out loud what they did wrong. Repeat.
Note: I'm not streotyping. There's some pretty decent people down on the floor. Thanks to those "stories", my so-called "rep" is now "tainted". If they can't be arsed to find out for real by asking me/about me, then it' s not my problem.
I don't care one way or another.
It's not all bad though. I've just downloaded Vanessa Carlton's Whitehouses ! I love her. She's awesome. Just saw the video too. Cute ! I think she's beautiful too. Such statuesque form ! Can't wait to get "Harmonium". That's her 2nd album. I'm buying original. She deserves to get my money.
Also, I noticed something quite weird with my Launchcast radio today. It's been playing angry songs. Really, really angry songs. One after the other. First there was Seether's "Sold Me". After that Trapt's "Still Frame". After that some song by Shinedown. Followed by Drowning Pool's "Bodies". In fact for the last 40 minutes, the only non-angry song played so far was The Corr's "Radio". It's uncanny how Launchcast is playing songs that fit my mood.
Also worth mentioning is this post I did and the response I got. For the first time, a debate on the blog ! Awesome ! For those of you who weighed in with your opinions, thanks ! We should do this again some time. Come on ! Someone recommend me a controversial topic to write about !
Also, this morning I went to an IBM Technical Workshop at the Hilton. The presentations sucked because of some technical problem but the food was great and I got me a nice fake leather notepad thingie.
I like.
Currently Listening to : "Whitehouses" Vanessa Carlton, Harmonium
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Smoke
Once again, I'm pissed off today.
I read these two articles today, here & here. I'm feeling persecuted. There are many things that I can't stand, and one of those things are self-appointed moral guardians.
Lately there's been a spate of increasingly virulent articles in the papers and the news on TV about smoking. Or rather about people who smoke.
This rant isn't about smoking. This rant is about my right to smoke and how some people want to challenge that.
If you believe what you read/watch on TV, then smokers are sick people, are stupid (that's why we need to be "reminded" that smoking causes lung/throat cancer, respiratory diseases, heart problems etc. Like we don't know that...), are inconsiderate, are a menace to society and must be villified and humilated with sweeping, blanket statements.
There's always been awareness drives & campaigns to educate the masses about the smoking habit. This, is fine. People should know. But since smoking isn't illegal (yet) then it's still a choice isn't it ?
So, since when did it become a campaign against the people who choose to smoke ?
I choose to smoke. It's my right. So what if I'll kill myself ? Do I want to quit ? Yes sure. But I"LL DECIDE that. I can just picture it, some "moral guardian" wanna-be beaming proudly saying,"Yes, Mac quit because of me. He owes me his life."
Well, screw you wanna-be. You could say that in my twisted mind I continue to do this to defy people like these. My way of saying Nyehhh *flips middle finger".
Ok smoking is bad. So why does it mean that people who smoke are bad too ? Like we're some kind of deviant ?
You know what ? Cigarrettes are bad for you. And other tobacco products too. So ban them. So easy....
And while you're at it, ban red meat, sodium, msg, fossil fuels, pop music, TV, computers, the Internet, extreme sports, free speech and free thought too. Since they're all bad for you one way or another, ban them all. And if people still insist and indulge in things that are "bad for them", round them up, throw them in concentration camps and machine-gun them all to death. Or throw them in a gas chamber. People who don't conform like sheep, people who want to exercise their rights..who needs em right ?
I'm not defending smoking. It's a terrible and costly habit and if you can, please don't start. But in the end it's up to you. Your money, your life, your body. Whatever.
What I am angry about are people who want to take away my right to choose and for making me look like I'm some kind of freak for not conforming. I DON'T need anyone telling me that smoking causes [insert name of disease here]. I KNOW cigarrette smoke contains [insert name of chemical compound]. I do this because I can and I want to. So leave us alone kay ?
Go and live in your hyperbaric chambers. No one's stopping you.
So moral guardian, have a little respect huh ? If you lecture me again on [insert bad habit here], don't even dare to get upset if I flip you the bird. You're not the only one who has the right be indignant. Just because you feel you're more "concientious" than me doesn't mean you're better.
Villify the issue all you like. But DO NOT make this about people.
Mac out.
I read these two articles today, here & here. I'm feeling persecuted. There are many things that I can't stand, and one of those things are self-appointed moral guardians.
Lately there's been a spate of increasingly virulent articles in the papers and the news on TV about smoking. Or rather about people who smoke.
This rant isn't about smoking. This rant is about my right to smoke and how some people want to challenge that.
If you believe what you read/watch on TV, then smokers are sick people, are stupid (that's why we need to be "reminded" that smoking causes lung/throat cancer, respiratory diseases, heart problems etc. Like we don't know that...), are inconsiderate, are a menace to society and must be villified and humilated with sweeping, blanket statements.
There's always been awareness drives & campaigns to educate the masses about the smoking habit. This, is fine. People should know. But since smoking isn't illegal (yet) then it's still a choice isn't it ?
So, since when did it become a campaign against the people who choose to smoke ?
I choose to smoke. It's my right. So what if I'll kill myself ? Do I want to quit ? Yes sure. But I"LL DECIDE that. I can just picture it, some "moral guardian" wanna-be beaming proudly saying,"Yes, Mac quit because of me. He owes me his life."
Well, screw you wanna-be. You could say that in my twisted mind I continue to do this to defy people like these. My way of saying Nyehhh *flips middle finger".
Ok smoking is bad. So why does it mean that people who smoke are bad too ? Like we're some kind of deviant ?
You know what ? Cigarrettes are bad for you. And other tobacco products too. So ban them. So easy....
And while you're at it, ban red meat, sodium, msg, fossil fuels, pop music, TV, computers, the Internet, extreme sports, free speech and free thought too. Since they're all bad for you one way or another, ban them all. And if people still insist and indulge in things that are "bad for them", round them up, throw them in concentration camps and machine-gun them all to death. Or throw them in a gas chamber. People who don't conform like sheep, people who want to exercise their rights..who needs em right ?
I'm not defending smoking. It's a terrible and costly habit and if you can, please don't start. But in the end it's up to you. Your money, your life, your body. Whatever.
What I am angry about are people who want to take away my right to choose and for making me look like I'm some kind of freak for not conforming. I DON'T need anyone telling me that smoking causes [insert name of disease here]. I KNOW cigarrette smoke contains [insert name of chemical compound]. I do this because I can and I want to. So leave us alone kay ?
Go and live in your hyperbaric chambers. No one's stopping you.
So moral guardian, have a little respect huh ? If you lecture me again on [insert bad habit here], don't even dare to get upset if I flip you the bird. You're not the only one who has the right be indignant. Just because you feel you're more "concientious" than me doesn't mean you're better.
Villify the issue all you like. But DO NOT make this about people.
Mac out.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Boxed In
Ever notice how when you're friends have problems (especially emotional ones) you're right there fixing and guiding while when you have the exact same problem later you can'tdo jack ? Or don't know what to do ? Or know what you need to do and do the exact opposite thing anyway ?
I noticed.
Think outside the box the mantra goes. Externalise the problem. See the big picture. Don't get mired in the details and imaginary potential consequences.
Simple concept but one that is nearly impossible to remember. Even when remembered, nearly impossible to practise.
At least I found it impossible.
Actually it's easy enough to practise provided you're not involved directly. Provided that you have no emotions invested in your situation. That's why it's easy enough to do at work.
Being detached is part of the practise. I can do this easy at work. Sitting at the always eventful IT Helpdesk at work, you can't afford to get too involved. Or your abilities to think clearly will get compromised. What does that mean ? Crap performance review.
That's the key isn't it ? Clarity. And emotions, they cloud.
Recently, as all regular readers know (yes, all four of you) I've had to deal with some problems involving emotions. Now, I've seen all these things happen before. I've had the same things happen to me. I've given advice to people with the same problems. In hindsight, I knew what I had to do and knew what was going on.
And yet, for the life of me I couldn't handle it without losing my head. Damned emotions are too powerful. I go through the motions everytime I get involved with problems like this. When there's a woman there.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to forget everything again and do and feel exactly the same things all over again. How many people can claim to have handle attraction rationaly ? Tell me. Probably none. Bleak ? Yeah, but true enough.
I've messed up every aspect of my life and fixed nearly all of it. But when it comes to relationships with women, I've tried so hard and yet...I'm afraid I'll never get it right.
At my current rate, I'm afraid it might be too late anyway...Maybe I should just stop.
I noticed.
Think outside the box the mantra goes. Externalise the problem. See the big picture. Don't get mired in the details and imaginary potential consequences.
Simple concept but one that is nearly impossible to remember. Even when remembered, nearly impossible to practise.
At least I found it impossible.
Actually it's easy enough to practise provided you're not involved directly. Provided that you have no emotions invested in your situation. That's why it's easy enough to do at work.
Being detached is part of the practise. I can do this easy at work. Sitting at the always eventful IT Helpdesk at work, you can't afford to get too involved. Or your abilities to think clearly will get compromised. What does that mean ? Crap performance review.
That's the key isn't it ? Clarity. And emotions, they cloud.
Recently, as all regular readers know (yes, all four of you) I've had to deal with some problems involving emotions. Now, I've seen all these things happen before. I've had the same things happen to me. I've given advice to people with the same problems. In hindsight, I knew what I had to do and knew what was going on.
And yet, for the life of me I couldn't handle it without losing my head. Damned emotions are too powerful. I go through the motions everytime I get involved with problems like this. When there's a woman there.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to forget everything again and do and feel exactly the same things all over again. How many people can claim to have handle attraction rationaly ? Tell me. Probably none. Bleak ? Yeah, but true enough.
I've messed up every aspect of my life and fixed nearly all of it. But when it comes to relationships with women, I've tried so hard and yet...I'm afraid I'll never get it right.
At my current rate, I'm afraid it might be too late anyway...Maybe I should just stop.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Another Quiz thingie
This is cool. And completely unexpected... Got it off Kristie who got it from Stacy who got it off somewhere else.
You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.
"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."
Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.His sign is the eclipsed sun.
As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by
You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.
"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."
Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.His sign is the eclipsed sun.
As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by
Current Affairs
I was reading my previously angry post. I must say it was kind of therapeutic to lose it every now & then. Particularly when I have a valid reason to. Righteous indignation feels good....
I don't get pissed off a lot. It takes quite a bit to piss me off. I'm a pretty tolerant kinda guy *toots own horn* (Why not ? No one else is doing it...). So you can imagine how upset I was at a perticular person when I wrote that entry. Of course my online anger is nothing to compare to Aida. Now, she's an expert in anger-expression.
You will notice I almost never write current affairs pieces. I haven't written about Anwar. I haven't mentioned Jeff Ooi yet (I'm mentioning him now as a show of support. Viva blogger solidarity ! We are different, and yet the same). I've stopped trying to write about war, the just concluded UMNO convention, the upcoming PBDS delegates convention (FYI, I support the "Rebel" faction. I'm liberal and disrespecfully opinionated so I will not even consider supporting an old skool has-been who basks in his own glory as if he's some kind of god. Old school politicians tend to demand respect & adulation by virtue of the posts that they hold and not what they do while they're there. I do not like big-headed, egotistical politicians who think that they're so hot just because they managed to fool a bunch of people to elect them. They should be shot. Or hung from the rafters with piano wire. See ? I have no respect for "protocol". One reason why I find government functions extremely extremely annoying).
I don't want to write about politics or human rights issues or whatever. There's other blogs for that, written by people with more journalistic flair than me. There's newspapers you can read. And several thousand good news websites world wide. Therefore, I don't have to write about that. I write about me and there's enough bad news there already. Me is a good topic. You won't read about me in the news, so writing about me won't be redundant =D.
In other news, not much is happening. Of course, nothing noteworthy ever happens while I'm at work...
Downloaded a few songs using WinMx last night. Finally got the hang of it. I finally managed to find a good copy of K's Choice "Virgin State of Mind". Been looking all over for that song.
I also chatted with Joyce and Sativa last night. Had fun messing around with audibles. It was funny.
Anyone else use Yahoo Messenger ?
Have work to do now so have a good day.
I don't get pissed off a lot. It takes quite a bit to piss me off. I'm a pretty tolerant kinda guy *toots own horn* (Why not ? No one else is doing it...). So you can imagine how upset I was at a perticular person when I wrote that entry. Of course my online anger is nothing to compare to Aida. Now, she's an expert in anger-expression.
You will notice I almost never write current affairs pieces. I haven't written about Anwar. I haven't mentioned Jeff Ooi yet (I'm mentioning him now as a show of support. Viva blogger solidarity ! We are different, and yet the same). I've stopped trying to write about war, the just concluded UMNO convention, the upcoming PBDS delegates convention (FYI, I support the "Rebel" faction. I'm liberal and disrespecfully opinionated so I will not even consider supporting an old skool has-been who basks in his own glory as if he's some kind of god. Old school politicians tend to demand respect & adulation by virtue of the posts that they hold and not what they do while they're there. I do not like big-headed, egotistical politicians who think that they're so hot just because they managed to fool a bunch of people to elect them. They should be shot. Or hung from the rafters with piano wire. See ? I have no respect for "protocol". One reason why I find government functions extremely extremely annoying).
I don't want to write about politics or human rights issues or whatever. There's other blogs for that, written by people with more journalistic flair than me. There's newspapers you can read. And several thousand good news websites world wide. Therefore, I don't have to write about that. I write about me and there's enough bad news there already. Me is a good topic. You won't read about me in the news, so writing about me won't be redundant =D.
In other news, not much is happening. Of course, nothing noteworthy ever happens while I'm at work...
Downloaded a few songs using WinMx last night. Finally got the hang of it. I finally managed to find a good copy of K's Choice "Virgin State of Mind". Been looking all over for that song.
I also chatted with Joyce and Sativa last night. Had fun messing around with audibles. It was funny.
Anyone else use Yahoo Messenger ?
Have work to do now so have a good day.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Meet Me Halfway
Meet me half way. That's all I ask from you.
But you can't do it. Or you won't. Why ? If you can't then why call me "friend". You call me friend but I can see that I'm not. At least not from what I know off friendship.
You don't tell me anything. You don't share. You don't open up. You say "friend" but you won't trust me. It's still true even if you can't admit it. I can see with my own eyes, you going to other people to share your troubles and your joy. Your hope and your fear.
I see you laugh and tell jokes. I see you show concern. I can see you do all that and more to all your "friends". All except me. You treat me as if I'm not even there.
You don't call me to ask how I am. You do but you never wait for an answer. Instead, it's always asking for some favor. When we go out, you go with me to somewhere and hook up with someone else. When it's over, you go home with me. You have fun and I get nothing.
You're just using me. I'm just a convenience aren't I ?
I'm partly to blame. Blame me for letting you use me like that. My bad, for letting you use my affections for the benefit of yourself and all your friends. All except me.
For a while I thought, because I'm sincere I should tolerate it. A true friend doesn't question intentions does he ? A real friend will be there to help, no matter what right ? Friends don't ask for anything back right ? What kind of selfish friend is that ?
Look in the mirror, friend.
Selfish or not, how about me ? Do you even like me ? Do you even care ? What about what I want ?
Sorry, friend. You think I can't see what you're doing ? Come to think of it, do you see what YOU'RE doing ?
I'm not blaming you. I know you might not do this on purpose. You're kind and compassionate to all your friends. Except me.
I'm not letting you walk all over me this time. Go find yourself a new door mat. Me ? I'm taking off.
You can think that I'm being unreasonable. You can think that I'm being selfish. Well, I am. Whatever, that's just your opinion. I want certain things from friends. I want respect. I want honesty. I want concern. I want consideration. I want you to reciprocate what I do for you.
I want you to meet me half way.
But you won't. Or you can't. So I'm gone. Will I come back ? That's for me to decide.
Sorry friend. You can't do this to me.
Currently Listening to : Song for a Winter's Night by Sarah McLachlan
But you can't do it. Or you won't. Why ? If you can't then why call me "friend". You call me friend but I can see that I'm not. At least not from what I know off friendship.
You don't tell me anything. You don't share. You don't open up. You say "friend" but you won't trust me. It's still true even if you can't admit it. I can see with my own eyes, you going to other people to share your troubles and your joy. Your hope and your fear.
I see you laugh and tell jokes. I see you show concern. I can see you do all that and more to all your "friends". All except me. You treat me as if I'm not even there.
You don't call me to ask how I am. You do but you never wait for an answer. Instead, it's always asking for some favor. When we go out, you go with me to somewhere and hook up with someone else. When it's over, you go home with me. You have fun and I get nothing.
You're just using me. I'm just a convenience aren't I ?
I'm partly to blame. Blame me for letting you use me like that. My bad, for letting you use my affections for the benefit of yourself and all your friends. All except me.
For a while I thought, because I'm sincere I should tolerate it. A true friend doesn't question intentions does he ? A real friend will be there to help, no matter what right ? Friends don't ask for anything back right ? What kind of selfish friend is that ?
Look in the mirror, friend.
Selfish or not, how about me ? Do you even like me ? Do you even care ? What about what I want ?
Sorry, friend. You think I can't see what you're doing ? Come to think of it, do you see what YOU'RE doing ?
I'm not blaming you. I know you might not do this on purpose. You're kind and compassionate to all your friends. Except me.
I'm not letting you walk all over me this time. Go find yourself a new door mat. Me ? I'm taking off.
You can think that I'm being unreasonable. You can think that I'm being selfish. Well, I am. Whatever, that's just your opinion. I want certain things from friends. I want respect. I want honesty. I want concern. I want consideration. I want you to reciprocate what I do for you.
I want you to meet me half way.
But you won't. Or you can't. So I'm gone. Will I come back ? That's for me to decide.
Sorry friend. You can't do this to me.
Currently Listening to : Song for a Winter's Night by Sarah McLachlan
Monday, October 04, 2004
Back Online
I'm feeling particular uninspired today. Even more so than usual. I have a draft of a rather complicated post that I haven't finished and I'm too lazy to do anything about it.
But to day is a good day. My DSL connection has been restored ! The technician I spoke to said the problem was caused by loss of connection with the fibre-optics backbone. I wonder how much that would cost to fix...
I bought Call of Duty : United Offensive yesterday. Played the whole night. I finished the game this morning. The verdict ? Excellent, excellent game. Everything I expected. I particular liked the B-17 level (which was the wrong model by the way; B-17Fs/Gs did not exist in 1941). A note for Buffy/Angel fans; the American character is called Riley and the British character is called Doyle. How weird is that eh ?
Anyways, the game is spread over places like the Ardennes (The Battle of the Bulge), Holland, Sicily & Kharkov. The Kharkov levels are absolutely murderous. Be warned. But you'll enjoy it if you like tanks. Lots & lots of tanks.
Am also trying YM!. Boy it's been so long since I've used a chat program. I was chatting with Tarlia just now and she typed "afk".
I did not know what that meant. She rightly asked me if I was chat-illiterate. Apparently, afk means "away from keyboard". Doh ! Looks like I've got a lot of catching up to do LOL.
I got two ticks for tonight's premier of Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow. Looking forward to that since it's got Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow & Angelina Jolie in it. Tarlia, Sativa & Dee are going too. Should be a fun evening.
Lets see...what else can I write here. I'm in some hurry right now. Got a movie to catch and I haven't even taken a bath yet.
Oh yeah, last night a friend called to ask for help changing a flat tire. It was exhausting. But educational. It's quite easy actually. Just get some help if you have a flat and drive an SUV...
As you can all see, there's not much happening to me right now. Either that or I'm in too much of a hurry to think right now. Or too lazy. Or a combination of the three.
I'll write something more interesting soon. I promise.
Laters.
Currently Listening to : Rookie of the Year by Funeral for a Friend
Addendum @ 5.47pm 5th October
Am too lazy to write a completely new post, so I'll piggy back on yesterday's. Which didn't get posted until this morning. Damned Blogger.
The movie was brilliant. Essentially it's a nod to all those old skool sci-fi movies from the 50's & 60's. Right down to the film stock. Actually not really, but the movie had a warm fuzzy look about it. Especially the sepia tones. I loved it. Even the script was written old skool style. And the ending was a laugh riot ! Lens cap indeed....hahah
Overall a fine movie. I'd watch it again.
Still too lazy for any serious thoughts. So meatless posts will have to do for now.
Later, gonna meet up with Wena at Magenta. Should be okay. Never been there before.
Currently Listening to : White Kite Fauna by K's Choice, Paradise in Me
But to day is a good day. My DSL connection has been restored ! The technician I spoke to said the problem was caused by loss of connection with the fibre-optics backbone. I wonder how much that would cost to fix...
I bought Call of Duty : United Offensive yesterday. Played the whole night. I finished the game this morning. The verdict ? Excellent, excellent game. Everything I expected. I particular liked the B-17 level (which was the wrong model by the way; B-17Fs/Gs did not exist in 1941). A note for Buffy/Angel fans; the American character is called Riley and the British character is called Doyle. How weird is that eh ?
Anyways, the game is spread over places like the Ardennes (The Battle of the Bulge), Holland, Sicily & Kharkov. The Kharkov levels are absolutely murderous. Be warned. But you'll enjoy it if you like tanks. Lots & lots of tanks.
Am also trying YM!. Boy it's been so long since I've used a chat program. I was chatting with Tarlia just now and she typed "afk".
I did not know what that meant. She rightly asked me if I was chat-illiterate. Apparently, afk means "away from keyboard". Doh ! Looks like I've got a lot of catching up to do LOL.
I got two ticks for tonight's premier of Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow. Looking forward to that since it's got Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow & Angelina Jolie in it. Tarlia, Sativa & Dee are going too. Should be a fun evening.
Lets see...what else can I write here. I'm in some hurry right now. Got a movie to catch and I haven't even taken a bath yet.
Oh yeah, last night a friend called to ask for help changing a flat tire. It was exhausting. But educational. It's quite easy actually. Just get some help if you have a flat and drive an SUV...
As you can all see, there's not much happening to me right now. Either that or I'm in too much of a hurry to think right now. Or too lazy. Or a combination of the three.
I'll write something more interesting soon. I promise.
Laters.
Currently Listening to : Rookie of the Year by Funeral for a Friend
Addendum @ 5.47pm 5th October
Am too lazy to write a completely new post, so I'll piggy back on yesterday's. Which didn't get posted until this morning. Damned Blogger.
The movie was brilliant. Essentially it's a nod to all those old skool sci-fi movies from the 50's & 60's. Right down to the film stock. Actually not really, but the movie had a warm fuzzy look about it. Especially the sepia tones. I loved it. Even the script was written old skool style. And the ending was a laugh riot ! Lens cap indeed....hahah
Overall a fine movie. I'd watch it again.
Still too lazy for any serious thoughts. So meatless posts will have to do for now.
Later, gonna meet up with Wena at Magenta. Should be okay. Never been there before.
Currently Listening to : White Kite Fauna by K's Choice, Paradise in Me
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Lists
Dammit I need a camera !
On my Blogger dashboard there's this article about something that's apparently being done by some bloggers with cameras. It's potentially a lot of fun.
Ok, first of all a blogger would ask his/her regular readers to think of three photos they'd like to see posted on the blog. It can be anything. Once getting some requests, pick three & post !
I'm definitely going to do that once I get a camera. Just out of curiosity, what three pictures would YOU like to see posted here ? If I get enough suggestions I'll post pics once I get my cam in a few months. It can be pics of whatever (random household objects etc).
I wonder, besides this and memes are there any other games/fun things that you can do with a blog ?
It's Saturday. It's also my last day of work for this week. Another long break coming up. During which I have to do the following things:-
On my Blogger dashboard there's this article about something that's apparently being done by some bloggers with cameras. It's potentially a lot of fun.
Ok, first of all a blogger would ask his/her regular readers to think of three photos they'd like to see posted on the blog. It can be anything. Once getting some requests, pick three & post !
I'm definitely going to do that once I get a camera. Just out of curiosity, what three pictures would YOU like to see posted here ? If I get enough suggestions I'll post pics once I get my cam in a few months. It can be pics of whatever (random household objects etc).
I wonder, besides this and memes are there any other games/fun things that you can do with a blog ?
It's Saturday. It's also my last day of work for this week. Another long break coming up. During which I have to do the following things:-
- Change my specs. I'm thinking thick frames ala Peter Parker or frameless. Also need to keep the cost below 200 bucks so I can get it for free using my company med card.
- Fix my DSL. Last night I took out an old harddisk, reformated it, reinstalled WinXP and plugged it in. Still no connection. I'm definitely sure the fault is not at my end. Need to call Helpdesk again to check on report no.2.
- Buy Call of Duty, Allied Offensive. Call of Duty = The bestest WWII based shooter so far.
- Check right rear tire. There's a nail in it. I have no idea where it came from.
- Back up data. MP3s, WMAs, vids, downloaded misc. Need to reformat PC.
- Hang with buds. Possibly make at least a new one, if my cousin comes through with his fix-up plan hhehehe.
- Sleep.
I'm finding this list making thing rather fun ! I was idling this morning when I came up with a wish list. It's amazing that I've never done one before. Currently, the wishlist looks like this:-
- Nikon CoolPix 5200. After much researching and testing, this is the cam I want. Lots of other cams are in the same price range, but the Coolpix is a winner because of its high shutter speed. Trust me when I say this blog will not look the same after. Highest priority.
- New graphics card. Right now, likely candidate is the MSI NX6800-TD128. I'm hoping the prices will come down by the time I want to buy it. Which I'm hoping would be in the second quarter of next year. 2nd priority.
- New handphone. One of those newfangled Nokia ones with the colour display, cam and polyphonic ring-tones. Don't know what model yet since I haven't done any research. PDA function optional. 3rd priority.
- 15" rims for the car. I've got this thing for the Gen 2's glorious rims. Towards the 3rd quarter of next year I'll be snooping around wheel shops hoping to score a set that was traded in by someone. That way, I can get it cheap. Low priority.
- Meet someone whom I like and who actually likes me back. No possible way of timing this one, since it can happen anytime and doesn't involve money. Or at least not too much money hopefully heh. Okay that last sentence makes me sound really cheap. I'm not a cheapskate. Honest. Not sure what priority I can give this one.
Wow that was gratifying. I'll be even more gratified once I get all the stuff on that list.
Gee I'm bored.
Random Thought : I heard someone say that making a list helps you to be more commited because it's always there as a reminder. It's a physical, visible thing so it's a little harder to ignore. There is some truth in that.
And is it just me imagination ? Or is this blog's voice changing.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Vibey
"It's so bemusing
Will they cancel the parade?
We marched each October
Now they say we were never even saved
We must be very brave
Shall i rewrite or revise
My October symphony?
Or as an indication
Change the dedication
From revolution to revelation?"
- "My October Symphony" by Pet Shop Boys, Behaviour
Have you ever woken up and knew deep down in your gut that you were about to have a really, really bad day ? I having that feeling right now as I write from work.
Still internetless at home. Have lodged another report. Tonight I'm going to reformat my entire PC, see whether that helps.
Anyway, back to that undescribable dread that I'm feeling. Each day begins with some kind of vibe doesn't it ? It does for me. I feel a vibe and I get a feel for what a day would be like. Usually, the vibe is there constantly throughout the day. There are times though, when a day began with a bad vibe and ended really well. Maybe today will be such a day ? God, I hope so.
I'm tired. My energy level is low. I feel like pulling the sheets over my head and curling like a boiled tiger prawn. This is probably because of the stuff going on at work. We're being audited and I had to accelerate the progress of some of my projects. Of course that means deadlines. Did I mention before that I hate deadlines ? And that I'm no good under pressure ?
It's not all bad though. It's October 1st. It's the beginning of my favourite three months. I love the end of the year ! Days have vibes and so do months. And the last three months of the year carry with it a certain vibe too. A good, bluesy vibe. It's hard to describe. Makes me envy some of my blogger compatriots who can verbalise virtually anything and make it sound like poetry. *Sigh* the drawbacks of being a Science stream student. I usually feel more melancholy than usual around this time, but this year I'd like to change that tendency. And to that end, I resolve to become less of a hermit and socialise a little bit more. I could use the practise anyway. And come December I hope to have company and people to visit and more !
Excuse me dear viewer, my blog posting may not be very sensible at the moment. I'm suffering from internet withdrawal ! Great, another addiction. That's all I need right now.
Have a good day.
Addendum @ 6.21pm....
....Well, it wasn't a bad day (primarily because the auditor finally left *phew*.) But damned it was a long one. In fact, it was a good but long day.
As you can see, my situation has become so unexciting now I'm reduced to writing about work. Well, could be worse right ?
Will they cancel the parade?
We marched each October
Now they say we were never even saved
We must be very brave
Shall i rewrite or revise
My October symphony?
Or as an indication
Change the dedication
From revolution to revelation?"
- "My October Symphony" by Pet Shop Boys, Behaviour
Have you ever woken up and knew deep down in your gut that you were about to have a really, really bad day ? I having that feeling right now as I write from work.
Still internetless at home. Have lodged another report. Tonight I'm going to reformat my entire PC, see whether that helps.
Anyway, back to that undescribable dread that I'm feeling. Each day begins with some kind of vibe doesn't it ? It does for me. I feel a vibe and I get a feel for what a day would be like. Usually, the vibe is there constantly throughout the day. There are times though, when a day began with a bad vibe and ended really well. Maybe today will be such a day ? God, I hope so.
I'm tired. My energy level is low. I feel like pulling the sheets over my head and curling like a boiled tiger prawn. This is probably because of the stuff going on at work. We're being audited and I had to accelerate the progress of some of my projects. Of course that means deadlines. Did I mention before that I hate deadlines ? And that I'm no good under pressure ?
It's not all bad though. It's October 1st. It's the beginning of my favourite three months. I love the end of the year ! Days have vibes and so do months. And the last three months of the year carry with it a certain vibe too. A good, bluesy vibe. It's hard to describe. Makes me envy some of my blogger compatriots who can verbalise virtually anything and make it sound like poetry. *Sigh* the drawbacks of being a Science stream student. I usually feel more melancholy than usual around this time, but this year I'd like to change that tendency. And to that end, I resolve to become less of a hermit and socialise a little bit more. I could use the practise anyway. And come December I hope to have company and people to visit and more !
Excuse me dear viewer, my blog posting may not be very sensible at the moment. I'm suffering from internet withdrawal ! Great, another addiction. That's all I need right now.
Have a good day.
Addendum @ 6.21pm....
....Well, it wasn't a bad day (primarily because the auditor finally left *phew*.) But damned it was a long one. In fact, it was a good but long day.
As you can see, my situation has become so unexciting now I'm reduced to writing about work. Well, could be worse right ?
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