Reform Regroup

After the madness of yesterday's post, I went home as I usually do after work. On the drive home, I felt a little better. The lack of traffic and the smooth drive helped a lot.

I powered up my PC, went on the net for a bit, went to search for stuff on Torrentspy (and not find anything worthwhile), checked out the Total War forum and had something to eat. I played with the cat a bit. She caught a lizard this morning.

I felt better.

I also thought about these relapses I keep having. I thought about all kinds of reasons why I keep having them. Is it something hardcoded or is it just bad attitude on my part? As usual, I can't seem to figure it out.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that some parts of personality just cannot be changed or removed. I've tried to be the opposite and be cheery and outwardly positive (like a colleague of mine who doesn't seem to be upset with anything at all) but it just made me feel awkward and false.

I also note that my lapses are not caused by being lonely or being single or anything like that. Being by myself isn't what bothers me apparently. So, I figured out something new here. Not being in a relationship isn't a trigger. At least it doesn't look like it.

Knowing that, maybe it's best that I don't get involve with anyone right now, not until I find a way to avoid being gloomy like I can get sometimes. Not until I find a cure or something to make myself better. I can't possibly expect my "significant other" to deal with this kind of shit. I need to pull together before I can do justice to the kind of relationship that I want.

I hate to impose. I hope I haven't. So, no girls until I pull myself together and sort everything out.

I thought about some other things this morning, while I was playing my new Total War campaign. Scythian faction, Very Hard setting. Yes, it's hard. At one point, I thought I was going to lose and be wiped off the map by the Thracians, Parthians, Dacians and Romans. I was at war with all of them and I had little money to build improvements or replace combat losses. But I somehow pulled off a revival, pushed Thrace back and am holding out against the rest.

Sorry, digression there.

What was I saying? Oh yes. Thoughts. People change yes? And most of these changes are for good yes? Apparently not all the changes are good.

When I was younger, I was a lot sadder than I am now. I was also a lot less angry. I'm a lot better now, but I've noticed that I get mad a lot faster now. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at suppressing it. But being mad isn't very good at all.

There you go, another bit of poison to detoxify. So what do we have now in our list?

- Excessive pessimism/lack of confidence.
- Being judgmental.
- Depression relapses.
- Worsening temper.
- Lack of urgency.

These are the things I need to eliminate\control.

I also need to learn to be emotionally self-sufficient. I think I'm too dependent on other people for my emotional well being. And what happens when we depend on other people? That's right, we get stomped. I must learn not to react too much to what other people say, especially people who are callous and inconsiderate with the things that they say.

This unfortunately, includes some members of the household. But we're not talking about that now.

So that's another thing.

Now that I got everything written down and posted in a public domain, I hope I can do something about all of it.

Thank you.

Possible Call For Help

I attempted to write a long, self analytical post just now. It didn't turn out very well. All I can say to that is, damn my lack of eloquence.

In my case, being excessively introspective is not good at all. Rather than thinking too much, I think I'll just say whatever, you know? So...

A few months ago (or was that a few weeks ago, I can't remember which) I said I was going to put myself through a detox program to remove all the crap that bothers me about myself. Lots of soul searching.

That includes removing or dealing with things like my natural tendency to think of the worst possible thing that could happen in whatever it is I'm doing and embracing that thought. It's a bad habit, being pessimistic all the time.

I'm finding it impossible to deal with.

I keep thinking that if I were to be anything other than pessimistic, then I'm being delusional. I have optimism guilt. I have no idea how I became like that. Unfortunately, I also don't know how to get rid of that guilty feeling. It's stupid and exasperating and I KNOW for a fact that it will make itself obvious in whatever I do or say, thus creating the "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect.

I'm stuck in a loop of perpetual victimhood, dooming myself to failure in whatever risky thing that I do. Of course, repeated failures will obviously result in my self-esteem going down again, thus making me more pessimistic. See the loop?

How do I get out of this?

At the risk of sounding very, very lame, I'll be upfront about this and say that I need some help here. This is a good time for some encouragement. I need to hear it with my own two ears, someone else telling me that I'm not a basketcase or a doormat and that I'm not totally useless nor am I always the loser I feel I am. I try to do this myself but my darker side always tells me that I'm just fooling myself. I can't do it by myself. Period.

I don't want to hear anymore condemnation and snide remarks. I can do that all by myself and do a real bang up job at ruining my own mood.

I'm tired of having a really low opinion of myself and I'm sick of feeling like I'm being too proud when I do go and do something good/right. I want it to stop. I want this to be completely lasered off my personality. I want to feel like it's ok for me to be anything other than low.

I have thought long and hard and it cannot be true. I can't be as useless as I feel I am. I can't always be wrong and not everything is my fault. I can't be 90% flaw and 10% virtue like I feel I am. It can't be. I feel like I'm always beating myself up, but for what?

And yet, even knowing this, I can't stop. What do I do? It's obvious, like from yesterday's episode and many other situations, that something is broken somewhere. For the sake of myself and everyone else around me, I need it fixed. But how?

Is there a way out?

Thankfully, everything else is okay. I try hard and lately, I've been less iritable and feel less pressure at work. I've been less judgemental and I've been less angry about things. Except the thing above of course.

More things I need to work out, including the thing this post is about. In the end, I hope it'll be alright and that in the end, I can find real balance and real peace and quiet. You know, like normal people.

Until then, wish me some luck.

Nothing Too Important Here

Some random things.

I don't particularly like Adam Sandler.

I think he plays his Waterboy character a little too much. Same character, different names. I didn't even bother watching 50 First Dates. I much prefer his Happy Gilmore character.

Even so, I found The Longest Yard a lot of fun. This movie is pretty decent, partially because I'm a sucker for sports related movies. I think he did well here, along with everyone else.

Also, it's got Chris Rock and Burt Reynolds. And Steve Austin and Goldberg. And Nelly.

Add grid iron football, inmates and prison wardens into the mix and you get a lot of fun. I haven't seen a movie that I could describe as fun in a long while. Just remember to leave your brain at the door and don't take it too seriously.

Taking things too seriously. A surefire way to see things the wrong way and spoil it for yourself (and sometimes for everyone else). I should know that. In fact I do. And yet, I forget not to.

This next section is for gamers, especially Total War fans.

I can't wait for Rome Total War:Barbarian Invasion to come out. It will be available on 27th of September. For those who are interested, go to IGN.com and watch the trailers. Unbelievable.

There are four trailers. I loved the Hun teaser trailer especially. It made the hair on the back my neck stand up. All those horses....

Plus, this add-on will patch my current version up to 1.3 and hopefully reduce some bugs and maybe add some features. I shudder to think what the next Total War game would be, since Creative Assembly has said that they are continuing the franchise.

While I wait for the game to come out, I'm thinking about what faction should I play. The Franks? Romans? Saxons? Byzantine? Huns? Goths? I think it'll be so much fun to begin playing as any one of the hording barbarian factions, since they start as several nomadic armies (The Horde) and don't own any settlements.

In order to settle down and build, I'll need to go to war and take a city from someone. Preferably a large, rich city. Poor Romans, looks like Rome is going to get sacked. Again.

Right now, I am at work. As usual, I'm here only by contractual obligation as well as an obligation to earn money to support myself. Now that I've said that out loud, I feel a little better.

What else?

It rained like hell just now. The winds were so strong it was raining sideways. This isn't normal.

I feel kinda crappy today. I'm not quite sure why. It's probably nothing. I hate how, among other things, feeling under the weather makes me feel persecuted and that everyone either hates me or is out to get me or both.

Normally, this would be time for me to take it seriously why is that so. But since I'm now aware of this tendency to think very negatively, it's probably just me today and it's not true at all. Not everyone hates me and no one is out to get me. I hope.

But really, being hated/disliked is very saddening and I can't stand the thought of it. It just kills me, especially when I get like this, to speculate about the reason why. I just can't handle it.

Ahh. It's probably nothing. This'll go away in the morning. I hope.

I need to go. I have to fiddle with this new shiny notebook we got that has Wi-Fi network connection set up for it. That should be fun. I hope.

Friends

Today I did... absolutely nothing at all. Except sleep and play games. And read a little. It's getting quite hard to pry myself away from the PC nowadays.

So I decided to do just that. I went to see some friends whom I haven't hung out with for quite a while, at least a month.

This bunch of friends are not the same as my other bunch of friends. In fact, they are very, very different from me. I spend a lot of times around computers. These guys don't. They're more into more physical things like cars and football and WWE. I speak English a lot. These guys don't.

We're so different. I'm the geek and they're the tough, swaggery guys. And yet, we're still friends. Not mere "acquaintances". One of them go back to the days when I was in school. I know him for 15 years at least.

These bunch of friends help put things in perspective and keep me earthbound. They help me realize that life is a lot more than what I see in front of me. And that is a good thing.

In many ways, their lives are harder than mine. In some other ways, their lives are easier.

It's always good to have friends who are the same as you are, keep the same interests, see the same perspective, back you up when you need backing up. But sometimes, real good friends are those who are totally different from us. Like these guys. We make strange company. But good company, it definitely is.

The important thing is not to judge and to keep an open mind. To agree to be different and to listen to each other's stories. To accept that we are different and not to impose ourselves. We could learn a lot from people who are not the same, that we disagree with even. Just need to remember, not all disagreements are personal. Not every difference is contentious. "Different" isn't always "wrong".

That is a good thing to remember.

Despite all the complaints and rants and dissatisfaction I express with living and life, at least I have good friends. I just wish that there were more hours in the day (not to mention matching schedules) so that I can hang out with all of them.

The one thing that I have in abundance is good company. I hope I never take that for granted.

A Blog Post about Blogging

Apparently, according to a survey released by AOL, blogging is therapeutic. I can't help it but think,"Duhhh..." but I think I may be biased because one of the reasons for my own blogging is therapy.

Therapy by blogging. It works, that much I know.

There's lots of reasons why people blog nowadays, especially considering how trendy it is becoming. Of all the reasons, one of the reasons that I don't quite agree with is that some people out there would undoubtedly start blogging to be famous and get thousands of hits a day. Blogging for hits seems insincere somehow.

It's like those people with Friendster accounts who trawl for "friends" so that they can be known as the Friendster user with the most number of friends. I mean, I've seen Friendster users with THREE full accounts. I seriously doubt that they're THAT friendly, or that they know all those "friends" of theirs. I don't know, it seems like she's abusing the facility and turning what is a good idea in the first place into some kind of competitive sport. Imagine that, competitive "friend" making. How would that look in the Olympics you wonder.

Same goes for blogging for hits. I'd like to think that the point of blogging is not how many visitors you get, at least not the major point. But, it's a free Internet and I guess people can do whatever they want, even competitive blogging.

I'm not begruding bloggerbrities (it's a new word I'm trying out since I read it somewhere a few days ago). I've already mentioned it before and I'll say it again, bloggers who write well and have good blogs deserve their number of hits and their resultant fame. That's always cool. Makes the rest of us bloggers "trendier" and with that, less chance of being picked on by muscleheads who think computers are only for geeks who can't get chicks/guys.

I have a thought. Remember the movie You Got Mail? I liked it.

Well, since blogging and blogs are increasingly popular, how long would it be before someone makes a movie about bloggers and blogging. Someone should tell Yasmin Ahmad to rustle up a screenplay. It'll be interesting to see what kind of story it would be.

I can imagine that it would probably be some kind of romantic movie, or a comedy.

In other news, Lim Kit Siang has a blog. Most Malaysian bloggers would probably know about this by now. But think about this. Here we have the lead Opposition MP blogging and allowing people to leave comments. Which means that regular people can talk and ask questions to him DIRECTLY without needing to make an appointment and going through protocol. Provided that he actually reads all the comments of course.

Talk about hands on. Talk about brave, considering the potential amount of crap he would get from trolls.

I know of another MP who has a blog, an UMNO backbencher. I don't know where I put the link. I'll post it when I find it. The last time I went, it was mostly transcripts of speeches though so don't get your hopes up.

I think blogs by famous people are intriguing, provided that they actually write blog entries instead of just using their blog as a place to announce concert dates, movie premieres and political functions. If it is a proper blog, it gives some insight into how they think and what they really are as opposed to the public image that we see. It makes them more, human.

I think that's a good thing.

Whatever it is, one thing is for sure. This blogging thingie is getting pretty big. I'm pleased to be a part of it.

An Independence Day Address

It is now 8.30pm on Malaysia Day. So far, everything is as quiet as I expected it. No fanfare whatsoever. I haven't watched TV nor have I turned on the radio so I don't know if Malaysia Day is being mentioned. I could be mistaken, but today is turning out just like any other regular day.

I went to check out the two biggest national dailies, and all I could find were two articles, here and here.

I guess us "over here" really don't matter all that much to the powers that be huh? I know this would be how it is, but it's disappointing all the same. I sometimes feel that we here in the east are...what's the phrase?

Dianaktirikan. Neglected. The date that's so significant, yet not even worth a mention anywhere. You'd think the government would at least talk about remembering it. But no.

When Cabinet minister rep from our side of the country brings up the fact that Malaysia (as opposed to Malaya) is officially 42 years old and not 48, he is told to shut up and put up. Jangan mempersoalkan (do not question), they tell him. Poor uncle Maximus. So, I guess it's okay in federal circles to insult and demean a Cabinet minister (who happens to be incharge of the Unity and Integration portfolio) from Sabah and dismiss his argument. What does this tell you?

It's fine. Us East Malaysians are used to being insulted like that.

Jangan mempersoalkan. I hear that phrase thrown around so much by people in the government. Well, let me menyoal. If we are not allowed to mempersoalkan (question) so many things, how in hell are we, the people of this freaking country, ever going to learn anything at all. What if we want to know why the government does what it does, are we going to be told to shut up too?

I think it's fear. I think a lot of people in government don't have the balls to deal with "difficult" issues, so the stock answer is jangan mempersoalkan. Just shut up and accept.

Well, what if I say I won't accept that kind of cop-out rank pulling. I want to mempersoalkan a hell lot of things. And you know what I want? I want a government that will answer my soalan and that of others too instead of telling us to shut up. I know. That won't happen in quite a while.

I know, I know, this rant is pointless. What am I? Just another faceless citizen in the forgotten and misunderstood state of Sarawak. What can I do?

Jangan mempersoalkan? Since when have I ever stopped questioning authority?

So, I will keep laughing at and keep heckling dumb politicians who have no clue what they are talking about and yes, I will keep bringing this up, year after year after year as long as the federal government doesn't acknowledge certain facts about us here in Sarawak and Sabah and doesn't do anything to correct and reconcile our different histories.

At least around local blog circles, people actually remember. At least I can take comfort that common, regular people from both sides of the country remember 16th September and what it means. At least I know bloggers aren't as insensitive as the government can be.

Even though it doesn't seem to mean a whole damn much officially.

Have a nice 42nd Malaysia Day everyone.

For some of us, it's forty two...

...not forty eight. The government seems to want us to shut up about it, but I think it's important to remember that this country was created today in 1963, not 1957.

Either way, it's ok with me. The government wants us to accept the "official" independence day on 31st of August, fine.

As long as we never forget that 16th September is important too.

From Wikipedia, under the section Malaysia:History :-

"A new federation under the name of Malaysia was formed on September 16, 1963 through a merging of the Federation of Malaya and the British crown colonies of Singapore (which left in 1965), North Borneo (renamed Sabah), and Sarawak, the latter two colonies being on the island of Borneo."

*emphasis added by me.

We're very different from each other, east and west. Different races. Different culture and different customs. Even have different histories. But that does not mean that we're not one country. Doesn't mean that we can't be united. Doesn't mean one is better that the other.

No matter how hard some people try to change that.

Sept. 16, 1963. Remember.

Brighter\Cleaner

The new template, I must say, is very, very easy on the eyes. A big change from the old one. From dark to light. I hope visitors will like it.

Well, I guess this blog is here to stay, embarassing as some of the old stuff may be. I think I need to live with that. I wrote those things and at the time of writing, they seemed like a good idea. And it's true, I could deny ever writing those things but denying the moments I'm less proud us won't stop them from having happened. I have to live with that and so does everyone else.

I guess it's a part of progression and evolving always involve things like that. Wouldn't it be nice if we could avoid humiliating ourselves as we work our way through life?

The trouble is, it's not really the humiliating and embarassing moments that bug people the most, it's the fact that some people (including some people we want to get to know better) may judge us by the dumb things that we do or say.

I do this too sometimes. So to expect everyone to look pass the embarassing things we did is asking for a little too much isn't it?

So I won't ask and I'll just live with it.

Other than this, I'm not doing much at the moment. And there's no good movies out at the moment. I haven't gone to watch a movie in a long time.

I have a thought about the behaviour of some bloggers and how many practise double standards all in the name of free speech.

Ok, blogging gives people the right to express their opinions. Doesn't this also give readers the right to express disagreement with their opinions.

So, how come some bloggers act all shocked when they post an entry full of sweeping generalizations and racist/sexist/bigoted content and get flamed for it?

Think about it, if you write a post dissing a country/race/religion/lifestyle/gender, is it fair to expect ALL your readers to nod sagely and muse,"Yes, yes, the wise blogger hath spake. Let us taketh this words and reflect on them."?

And no, blaming it on things like PMS or a bad day at work is no excuse. The opinion has been expressed and readers may be offended. There's a price for that.

Commit the crime, do the time, the old maxim goes.

I think it's too much to expect people to understand the circumstances behind every critical post we write. And yet, some people expect that.

One thing to remember, poeple's reactions are one of those things that can't be regulated. The point is, when criticising, be prepared for a reaction.

"Celebrity" or not if you are racist, bigoted and uppity, you deserved to be slammed and publicly crucified as such.

Can't take the heat? Get out of the kitchen.

Should I?

You know, I was flicking through some of my older posts and I'm suddenly thinking about starting all over again. I'm actually rather embarassed at some of the posts, especially the ones from last year. Some of the sappier ones really make me cringe. Honestly.

I was also looking through some other people's blogs and was about to say that these people have more interesting lives than mine, judging from their posts. But really, it's not that at all. It's not their lives are necessarily better, it's their way of writing their accounts that make things sound good.

I have a lot to learn about writing apparently. I need to get a freer, most spontaneous style going on here.

But back to the subject of changing blogs. Is it a good idea to start anew? I'm rather reluctant since I put in so much work here. I need to think about this some more. Some kind of renewal is necessary to make things feel fresh again.

I'm having yet another extremely busy day. Also, today my brother goes back to UiTM. He decided to go back earlier than he should. Should be his final semester, I think.

I have been procrastinating over a lot of things, mainly because when I'm off and at home, I'm just too tired to think and just sit and stare at my PC. I have to get off my ass and do something about this.

I'm too tired even to take pictures despite having a perfectly good camera.

Like the other day, I went to MJC to hang out with a friend of mine at his new office. It was evening and the weather was the cool should-it-rain-should-it-not overcast kind. There's this field in the middle of the complex called The Piazza. I was walking through this Piazza when I noticed that MJC looks very nice in low light.

Of course, I didn't bring my camera. I must go back there next week and remember to bring the blasted camera with me.

I'm going to have to remind myself that this blog hasn't featured a photo taken by me in the longest while.

There's other things I need to do, like find space for my books. I looked and there is no space left in any of the cabinets, shelves or book racks in the house. I've also noticed that we have a hell lot of books.

I'm going to have to improvise on this one.

Ok then, I'm off to lunch now.

EDIT: I found one hell of a blog. Check this out : Seventh Ranger Regiment (Mechanised).

Assorted Nuts

Firstly, as a person who drives a 1300cc vehicle, this is very good news. Now, if only I can find a way to reduce auto insurance. Anyway, reducted road tax is always good news.

I'm at work and I don't really want to be here. No surprises there. I've been feeling extremely unmotivated lately. I might need a change of scenery soon.

Another thing to brighten up the day. I was looking through my hit counter and the top three keywords either have the blog URL or the blog title in it. There are people out there who read me! That's very nice and I appreciate that. I hope they enjoy whatever it is that I write as much as I enjoy writing it.

Sometimes, a few rather well known bloggers drop by. Occasionally, they even leave comments. Everytime this happens, I think,"Woah..." Tis very cool.

I have a song stuck in my head at the moment. Luckily, unlike most days where the stuck song is an annoying one, today it's 30 Seconds to Mars' "Attack". A good song. So much better than that time when I had that damned Crazy Frog song stuck in my head.

There's nothing really happening right now. Let's see how the day goes.

Oh yeah, one more thing.

Anyone who's been reading the papers recently would know about what one DAP writer put up on the DAP website, something about the real "freedom fighters" who won independence back in 1957. (DAP is a leading opposition party here, for those who don't know). Here's an article commenting on the whole thing.

Ronnie Liu, the writer, claims that the CPM (Communist Party of Malaya) and it's leader Chin Peng fought for freedom and didn't get credit for it. Well, they may have fought the British but what freedom were they fighting for?

Since when did communism ever stand for freedom?

It may be his opinion, but Mr. Liu is nuts to think that CPM and Chin Peng fought for freedom. If they did fight for freedom, then why did they continue fighting after 1957. Why did they only stop in 1989?

A bunch of commies fighting a democratically elected government (as screwed up as that government can be at times) are NOT freedom fighters. If anything, commies want to take freedom AWAY, not give it.

Instead, they should be called another name more fitting to their modus operandi. So question time:

What do you call a bunch of people who blow things up and wilfully intimidate/kill civilians while fighting for their "cause"?

Terrorists. When CPM turned terorrist, they showed their true colours. They weren't fighting for us. They were fighting AGAINST us, for themselves. How does this make them "freedom fighters"?

Terrorists are terorrists. Fullstop. Had CPM won, would Mr. Ronnie Liu have the right to yap away and would DAP even exist?

Let's not forget that shall we?

Jared Leto Sings!!

I didn't know Jared Leto was in a band. I didn't expect to actually like the band either.

I've been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars for something like a week before finding out that Jared Leto sings and plays guitar for them. And he writes the songs too. Go to the website and check out the video for Attack. Very cool.

Imagine, Hephaistion singing in a progressive rock band. A good one too.

I've just returned from dinner. Another birthday and good conversation in a place with good ambience. And Lambrusco Amabile, a good red wine which tastes like Nightrain, but slightly sweeter and fizzier.

And of course, there was someone new there. Seems nice enough. Perky, good sense of humour. Seems to be quite open minded, which is always good. Hopefully, I'll see her again. Soon.

I've just realized that I'm not meeting enough new people to my satisfaction. Let's face it, at my age, meeting new people (especially women) takes a fair amount of effort. Besides, I need to get used to being around different kinds of people.

And perhaps, with that, I can break out of my cycle of alternating between loneliness and relationships that drain me.

Oh dear, I'm talking about the "R" word again. That could be bad. I wonder, am I going to obsess and overanalyse again? It's a bad habit. Bad habits die hard, unfortunately.

So far so good, I haven't really been thinking about it. So far so good.

In fact, I'm betting if I keep from thinking about things pertaining to the "R" word, I might be able to be better at it. Perhaps if I stop worrying and watching everything I say and do, I won't find myself in yet another relationship where I get taken for a ride and get dumped after I've served my purpose.

Who knows? This is life and this is one of the many paradoxical things about life. Die to live. Lose to have. That kind of thing.

I should remember that. It seems to be like that most of the time, especially with me.

So, still not looking. Perhaps that will actually help me get.

Who knows?

Update: While I'm on the subject of things that are unexpectedly good, Tatu's new album "Dangerous and Moving" is....well, surprisingly good. I know, I know, that "band" has a rather dubious reputation, but their new is really good.

Current Music - We Shout-Tatu, Dangerous and Moving

Strike a Balance/Independence Day(s)

There's some advice that I could dispense that I could use for myself. Among them would be,"Never make decisions when you're angry or sad. Invariably, the decision made will be wrong and regretable."

Of course, some days you can't help it due to urgency of situation. Most days however, it can be helped.

Another one I should try to remember is,"Never try to blog insightfully when angry or sad. Posts produced during low moods can turn out to be cringeworthy and well,... sound really bad."

Especially if you're me.

Like yesterday's post. Man, that was bad. I should've stuck with the book as a topic. Anyway, after leaving the office, on the way out I decided to stop at the vending machine to get some coffee. Instant cure.

I guess the advice should probably read,"Unless the situation is really dire, don't try to blog insightfully when angry or sad. Posts produced during low moods can turn out to be cringeworthy and well,... sound really bad."

And now, on to other things.

I thoroughly enjoyed the National Day Blogging in Malay Campaign. That was so much fun. I had wanted to do something similar. I had a Malay post planned out. Unfortunately, I didn't write it down because on the eve of National Day, we bought 6 bottles of wine and promptly got very drunk.

So, no Malay post. At least, not until 16th of September, which should really be National Day. Or maybe it should be called Malaysia Day or something like that. Why? That's when Singapore, Sabah and Sarawak joined the Federation in 1963. (Singapore pulled out in '65). That's when Malaya became Malaysia.

It's just my opinion, but 16th of September should be as important to Malaysians as 31st August should be. And no, I'm not just being a disgruntled East Malaysian clamoring for "attention". Just stating a black and white fact.

When it comes to black and white facts on the country's history, someone is not doing their job. I say that because there are, for example, still people who think "East Malaysia" is a different country. You'd think this kind of ignorance should be non-existent now. But no it isn't.

What can you say about that? If there are still people in the peninsular who know next to nothing about us easterners, someone's not doing their job.

Local history textbooks contain too little info about what happened here, in Sabah and Sarawak. Something needs to be done about that. For example, would the ordinary citizen know what happened during the months before September 1963 in Sarawak and Sabah, during the referendum?

Or maybe someone thinks it's not important to know that. I hope not.

It's crap. You go to forums on the Internet, you still hear eastern Malaysians bashing western Malaysians about their ignorance and hear western Malaysians jeer at eastern Malaysians for being "backwards". This is the year 2005. This kind of misunderstanding shouldn't happen anymore.

Someone's not doing their job.

In other news, I owe lots of people (including Microsoft Tech Support) email. Also, I owe some CDs to someone. I'll do those later this evening.

EDIT: Like I was saying....

A Book and A Thought

I couldn't resist it.

Last night, I went to go to Times' with Rin. She was there to buy some books.

I went to the History section as usual. Last time I went there, I think last week, there were four copies the book that you see on the left here. Yesterday, I saw only one.

I thought,"If I buy this book now, I will be kinda broke and I might regret it." However,..

....what if I don't buy it now and come back later to find the book gone. I'll regret that even more.

I bought it.

So far so good. A lot of fun to read. Good pace, without sounding to pretentiously academic and technical, as books like these tend to be sometimes.

After buying the book, we went to the Crib with some friends. It was good, as usual. Met with some very nice people. Proof that despite my own cynical views, there are some very, very nice women out there who aren't stuck up. Perhaps we can hang out again sometimes soon.

I added some new blogs to the roll. Very good ones, as usual.

I was reading some of my earlier blog entries. How different from now, I thought. And how low did I get.

I solemnly swear that I would never let myself go down that road again, if I can help it. I promise I won't let myself be that pathetic. Suddenly, I realise this may be a rehash of a earlier post. I can't be bothered to look right now.

But seriously, when I think about it, part of the problem was I looked inside too much. In my disappointment, I may have failed to see the big picture. I must remember to look up every now and then, even when things don't look so good. I shouldn't always look inside. Sometimes, there's nothing there but darkness.

Hopefully, now that I know that, I can remember it and not regress.

This a good moment for a spot of regret. What if? I could've done a much better job of being myself, if I wasn't so blind.

But it's gone now. Mistakes done, past is past. I paid for it by wasting the time that I had. Lessons to learn and never to forget. Fell for the wrong women, worked the wrong jobs, said and did the wrong things, tried to to things that I was clearly not fit to do. All done and all gone.

I hope, all that makes me a better person somehow. And I hope it's not too late to right wrongs and make amends.

Yesterday, as I was out with my friends, I suddenly thought to myself,"Have I done or said things that hurt them lately? Have I been callous and selfish? Have I imposed in anyway?" I worried for a split second.

I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or hurt anyone through words or actions. But that's the tricky part. Sometimes, things happen and sometimes along the way, we hurt other inadvertently. Without knowing it and without meaning to. Sometimes, I realise that in the process of socialising, sometimes the wrong things can come out.

I worry about that sometimes. Think about it, the worse thing of all is to be yourself and find that being yourself is the thing that pisses others off. That's the ultimate social worst case scenario. Think of how many wholesale changes that you would have to make if that were the case?

I hope I can avoid that. It's a frightening thought.

EDIT @ 6.21PM: I hate this. After writing this post, I suddenly feel useless and a little depressed. I could use a heart of stone right about now. You'd think I'd get over shit like that after all this time right? I should've gotten over getting upset for no/little provocation right? Stupid. If I was a building, then call me St. John the Unfinished. I'll never be complete at this rate.

On a lighter note, I'm halfway through my 300+ page book despite being busy. I read too damn fast for my own good.

I hope for a happier post tomorrow morning.

Doppelgangland II: The Return of The Blog Pirate

Note: This entry was written this morning. I was too tired to finish it, hence the lateness of posting and the backdated time of posting.

I'm not as busy as the last few weeks. But busy enough to not have any time to blog, unfortunately. I'm in the office on Sunday morning, waiting to get off shift. Tonight I still work. Tomorrow I'll be free.

I did try to go round and read people's blogs last night. And I noticed yet another case of one blogger ripping off another one's entry, right down to hotlinking pictures from the source blog. I've seen this before and wrote about it too.

It's pathetic man. Why would anyone risk the humiliation of getting caught like that? As vast as it is, the Internet isn't that big a place. Word gets around and someone will find out. What more to say when the pirate in question rips off a well read blogger with thousands of regulars. Plus the hotlinking of pictures? Is it so hard to download and re-upload?

It doesn't irk me though. It just makes me feel very, very sorry that some people out there want to blog but apparently either don't know how to write or are too chicken to write things they thought of themselves.

I know how that feels like. I read blogs on my blogroll and even now, more than a year and a half since I started posting, I still feel so intimidated by the quality of some of these people's entries. Some people really, really, really have the gift. Really. Sometimes, I feel embarassed to be in such company with my rather pedestrian offerings, if one could even call it that.

I've gotten better I have to say. But my posts are no where near the quality that I would define as "good".

But lo, that is the beauty of blogging. You don't have to be "good". You do not have to be a pro. One does not have to be a literary giant with the writing skills of a poet (of course if one can write like that, then more power to ya).

Blogging shouldn't be a competitive sport where "contestants" are judged on things "quality" and "readership". Having said that I'm not against people who get rewarded for their blogging. Give credit where credit is due. Some people put in so much of themselves into their blog. Some people are gifted writers. Kudos to them for their book deals and mentions in the mainstream media. It's good for all bloggers. With this kind of recognition, we're taken more seriously. We're not just a bunch of nutcases participating in a "fad" or a "craze".

What I'm trying to say is that since there are awards and fame to be had in blogging, some people miss the ideals of blogging entirely and take the shortcut. Rip an entry from somewhere and claim it as your own. Easy, no need to think. No need to get inspired. No need to pour out your heart and soul into an entry. Just use someone else's heart and soul.

Kids, stealing is bad. Stealing someone else's thoughts is even worse. Unless you actually like being publicly reviled and humiliated on the WWW, don't do it.

Expensive Books

Rin lent me a bunch of books about Ancient Rome; From the Gracchi to Nero: A History of Rome from 133 B.C. to A.D. 68, The Annals of Imperial Rome and The Fall of the Roman Republic.

I figured I've been playing R:TW so much nowadays I might as well read about the period during which the game is set. Also, I like history in general so it's nice.

We went to Times' yesterday. I haven't gone there in a long time. And yes, so many books that I want to buy. Things like The Serial Killer Files, The First Crusade: A New History, The Fourth Crusade and The Sack of Constantinople, Genghis Khan and The Making of the Modern World and more.

Also, good military books like one about Iranian F-14s in combat and another one about Marine machinegunners. Oh yes, and the classic War of the Running Dogs, which I've read before. This one and The Jungle is Neutral are great books about war in Malaysian history.

The problem? They are too bloody expensive.

I'm an avid reader. Back in the days when I was still in school and the internet was something to be found in sci-fi movies, I actually spent a good deal of time in the library to read as opposed to checking out girls and things like that.

Yes, I may also add here that I was a nerd and therefore had no business checking out girls. I've always liked history and military related topics. Try as I might, I haven't been able to enjoy fiction as much, except Dragonlance books, Richard Marcinko and the odd Transformers comic.

Anyway, back to the increasingly expensive reading habit. I wish books didn't cost so much.

However, like I was telling Rin yesterday, I'm thinking of setting a budget to get at least one book a month. Which also means I may need to look for a bookcase or something like that since I can't put all those books on my bedroom floor.

This also means I need to cut back on DVDs, probably.

I also need to consider the pros and cons of buying books online vs a bookstore. I notice that some books are cheaper online, even after the shipping charges are factored in. Looks like I need to consider getting some kind of credit card. Which is one of the cons actually, since I still don't think it's a good idea for me to get a credit card. Dangerous thing, that.

I must say that, despite not being quite as huge and varied as the ones in KL and Singapore, some of our local bookshops have pretty good selections. To me anyway, I have this feeling that a lot of people won't agree with that.

But what can I do, I can't afford to fly out to S'pore or KL just to buy a book so I'll make do.

Seriously though, something needs to be done about the damn prices. Cheaper books will encourage people to buy books and more people buying books means better bookstores. Unfortunately, the only thing that I can think of that would help is to get better exchange rates vs foreign currency.

I guess that means books will still be expensive...Unfortunately, too expensive for a lot of people who stand to gain so much from reading i.e school kids.

But no matter, I'm going to seriously consider buying a book a month. Let's see how that works out.

A Funeral

On Sunday, a cousin of mine passed away. Cancer. She would've been 33 this year.

That's the second child my aunt and uncle had to bury. The first one, my best friend, was killed in a bike crash in 1991. The amount of trouble that family's been through is unbelievable.

And yet, as sad as the funeral was, it wasn't gloomy at any rate. Like the priest was saying, we were in church not just to mourn, but to celebrate her life. That cousin of mine is a real go-getter that much I can say. She was as decisive and sure as I am wishy washy and slow.

True to her spirit, she never gave up until the last second. Even through chemo and other stuff, she continued to go to work and teach. Her brother told me that and the priest told us that just now. She was right into it ever since she got diagnosed, actively participating in her treatment, always, always asking questions. Rightly, they admired her for that. Her brothers, her parents, her friends are all proud of her, I'm sure. And somehow, it made her passing less painful to ponder.

She's gone, but while she was around, she made the most of her own life.

The other day Rin was telling that she's been reading my old entries.

"Your old entries are so introspective."

Yeah I noticed that too. I also notice that for a while now, the need to examine myself and my situation is almost gone. Where did it go?

I did get a little introspective just now, during the eulogy. How can I not? It forced me to look at myself carefully once again. Here she was, my cousin, here for 33 years and she did all the stuff that she did and made friends all across the world along the way.

And here I am, what am I doing? Am I doing the all things that I can do? All the things that I should and could do? Am I being the best me the best way I can?

So yeah I thought about it. And no, I'm not doing all the things that I can do. There's so much more. So much damage to fix, so many things to see and do.

I'll be taking some quiet time to think. To be introspective and philosophical again. But not in the way I used to. Instead, I might try looking forward for one thing, instead of regretting things in my past. Which I haven't done for awhile to be fair. At least I'm trying and at least things are changing.

I suddenly wonder, when I die, what would my funeral be like?

More Links I Found (and some stuff about Rome:Total War)

Firstly, let me share a few links.

I thought this article was hilarious. I got it off some friends.

"Tell a man that he's not "man enough" and he tends to overcompensate by acting macho."

I'm quite familiar with this concept of overcompensation. It's hilarious to watch. Am I prone to this too? Of late, no (I hope). But when I was a lot younger, I might have. Actually, I know I have.

What's up with boys and the strange reaction to not being "man enough"? I guess boys and men get insecure far more easily than they would care to admit. Don't ask me why it is so. But suddenly I smell a good opportunity for some militant feminist male bashing right here.

Anyway..

I would like to see in writing, what constitutes being "man enough" and "acting macho"? And if the stereotype holds, why do so many men behave in such a way despite the fact that so many women hate it?

Then again, what man has never been guilty of trying to "attract" a woman by doing and being the very thing that she detests?

Another thing I picked up recently is this NY Times article about "mercenaries" in Iraq. Or rather, "private security contractors". Very interesting.

And then, yesterday I downloaded a Rome:Total War mod called Rome:Total Realism. It's brilliant. More in depth, with an earlier start date and more than 200 new units, including new 3D models for each one. It even includes a new intro. RTR's got enough changes in it to make the game feel very,very different. Meaning to say, it's not just a cosmetic rehash of the original Rome:Total War.

I like the revamped playable factions which includes new ones like the Sarmatians, Bactrians, Illyrians and more. I like the fact that the number of cities have been boosted and the map pushed eastwards into Central Asia.

The battle engine's been changed too. Missiles (arrows, javelins, rocks) do quite a bit of damage now. I managed to kill war elephants in a test battle just now by using massed ranks of peltasts (javelineers) and concentrating their fire. I used to hate elephants in the original RTW because of their apparent invulnerability. I also noticed some improvement in battle AI and the overall pace of a battle's been reduced slightly.

The best new thing I noticed? New models. Troops are more historically accurate and the models for the new troop types look really good.

There's more changes in the mod. I'll write about them as I find them. Currently, I'm running two test campaigns, one Roman and the other Bactrian, just to see how the Hellenic-Eastern warfare model is handled in the game.

According to the lead modders, Rome:Total Realism strives to be closer to history instead of using the simplified (and inaccurate) historical timeline used in Rome:Total War. Whatever their aims were, I salute the modders. Considering the fact that they did all that work for free and considering the very high quality of that work, I congratulate them on a job well done.

I recommend it highly to all RTW fans out there. Please go and download it.

And talking about that, I can't wait for the RTW expansion, Rome:Barbarian Invasion. Oh yeah!

EDIT: Hey! Look what we have here!

Da Island

I wonder. Has blogging lost its allure? Yes it has.

At least this week. Or was it two weeks.

I have been too busy. I barely have any time for myself. In a way, its a good thing. Being busy means not having any time to get depressed or sentimental or anything like that.

So to make up for that, I've taken an extra day off next week. That means I work for two days only. It's time to spoil myself. I wonder what I should buy....

Despite being too busy and too exhausted, I did find some time to go out with Bernard, Ivan and Rin last night to watch The Island. Last night was quite funny. Initially, Rin told me that the plan was to watch Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. Apparently they didn't tell me that there was a change of plans. So there I was in the theatre expecting to see Johny Depp's mug in a funny hat. I got Ewan McGregor instead.

I thought, ok maybe this is a trailer or something. I sat there 10 minutes before I realized that we were indeed watching The Island. Then I thought, maybe we went to the wrong theatre. I looked at the others and they looked pretty calm, so I just kicked back. I didn't really mind what movie was playing. The important thing was that I was out of the house and away from work.

It was the end of the show when I finally asked,"I thought we were supposed to watch Willy Wonka?" Apparently, Willy Wonka was showing a bit late so they decided to watch The Island instead.

Ahh...

Anyway, about the show. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

Many, many years ago I watched a nearly identical movie about clones who didn't know that they were clones. In that one, the winner of the "lucky" draw got to go to "America" instead of The Island. And the ending was very sad. Apparently, that movie was called Parts: The Clonus Horror. Ya, very B-like title.

One reason why I liked The Island was the more positive ending. I liked the story and the cast was pretty good, featuring Ewan McGregor (who spoke in a Scottish accent at one point. I liked that), Sean Bean in his regular bad guy role and Scarlett Johansson. She was good in Lost in Translation and good here too. I think she looked reaaally hot.

Overall, the movie is quite good with a fair amount of action, all done without taking itself too seriously and without too much CGI to detract from the story. I recommend it.

After watching this, I have very high hopes for the live action Transformers movie if Michael Bay really ends up directing that one.

Aside from movies, the weather today is beautiful, courtesy of the rain from the last two nights. No haze at all. Which is good. I remember the 1997 haze all too well. I remember the API being 800 and visibility being less than 30ft in broad daylight. It was bad.

Of course being the stubborn bastard I am, that night I went out with friends while the rest of the city cowered in terror in their homes

I don't miss the haze at all.

For those non-Malaysian people who read AFP's over excited coverage, the current haze isn't that bad and it didn't shut down the entire country, contrary to what some news articles have been saying. We're all fine here.

It's almost time to go home. I'm going to enjoy my break. Next week, we'll see whether blogging will be alluring again. And I need to bring my camera out. Hopefully the clear weather holds.

Have a good Sunday.

Have Not Done

Two things I haven't done lately.

1. Have not changed blog template despite wanting to for the last two months.
2. Have not uploaded any new pictures. Or any old pictures for that matter. In fact, I haven't taken any new pictures recently.

What I have been doing is entertaining myself with things like:-
1. Bad Star Wars captions. Courtesy of Raven.
2. Engrish!! One night me and Rin were at the computer when we decided to check out what's new at Engrish.com. We laughed so hard, we had trouble breathing.
3. Darwin Awards. If at any time you feel stupid, read stories from here and realize that they are more people stupider than you.

I've also started to play old games again. I'm currently playing Rome:Total War. I might reinstall Mechwarrior Mercenaries and Ghost Recon next.

Last night, me, Rin, Jerome and Gette went to Dennis' Place. For once, I didn't order something with chocolate in it.

Apart from work, things have been quiet lately. After this week, I hope things will get back to normal. I'm seriously rest deprived right now.

Regular picture taking and blog posting should resume by next week. Hopefully. Now I need to think of something exciting/interesting to write about.

Current Music - Nervously, Pet Shop Boys, Behaviour

Away Away

I'm just too busy right now to do anything at all.

I'll be staying off the blog at least until Tuesday. Too much work and too tired when I get home to think of what to write.

I hardly have to time to read other people's blogs. Or anything other online thing.

I hope weeks like this one aren't too common. It's hard.

I can't wait for Tuesday. Then I'll have some time to catch up with what's happening around here.

Until then, take care now.

More Shorts

Since my brain is still mush, I will refrain from writing long, long entries where I will get confused by the second paragraph.

Instead, I will write short things like the last time.

Actually, I do have many things I feel like I could comment on. Stuff like politics and religion and the like. But these things just piss me off. Suffice to say that regardless of what politicians say, I won't believe it until I see some kind of physical manifestion of their rhetoric. Especially around here.

I still believe that many local politicians don't know what's really happening in real life, otherwise they wouldn't keep talking about things that don't matter. Also, some of our politicians are well meaning and believe in things like fair play for all and meritocratic practises, but are being hamstrung by their grassroots supporters. That's the thing about democracy. It's a popularity contest. That means that if they are enough dumbasses in one political party, they will eventually vote for a dumbass and a sensible politician will be forced to pander to them lest he be voted out. Even if those dumbasses want to promote agendas that are dangerously racist....

Anyway, to the fun stuff.

I was doing my blogrounds just now and found some very cool sites, courtesy of Lainie. Who is always so cool like that.

Please go and check out Starship Dimensions. Very cool.

And Laws of Japanese Animation. Very, very funny. Having friends who are huge anime fans, I'm sure they have other rules they can come up with.

Do you have friends who drive like maniacs and think they are invulnerable or immortal. After visiting Ogrish (Warning: Extremely Gory and potentially disturbing) and Wrecked Exotics, they will not think so anymore. After all those pictures, I guarantee a speed reduction of at least 10km/h of their average speeds.

Also, Ogrish contains images from things other than car accidents. Like pictures of what happens when someone gets shot in the head by a .50 calibre rifle. Can you say eeeewww? Guaranteed to make wannabe terrorist assholes think twice about signing up.

And in some military news, the M1 Abrams main battle thing is undergoing a modernisation programme known as TUSK (Tank Urban Survival Kit). The funny thing about this "modernisation" is that some of the things have been done before. Like during the 1940s. Things like skirting and the external phone box? All been done before. I guess everyone just forgot how useful skirts are against things like man portable anti tank rounds. And the phone? I took it for granted that all tanks and armoured vehicle are supposed to have it. I read somewhere that part of TUSK is also the re-introduction of the CASE round. It's like shotgun cartridge, only bigger. It's a good idea, since shooting a man using a HEAT (High Explosive Anti Tank) round is kind of excessive. Kinda reminds me of Mechwarriors LBX cannon.

Anyone who knows military history will know that things get forgotten like that.

And in yet more mil news, I think the XM-8 looks fascinating. The XM-8 is the rifle that is slated to replace the good ole M-16 in the US armed forces. Check out the pic, looks very sci-fi eh?

That's for today's shorts. I'll dig up more interesting things next time.

A Fast One

I will leave for work in about 30 minutes so I'll make this quick.

I downloaded T'Pau's Greatest Hits a few days ago. That's very, very hard to find now. I'm enjoying it immensely. I wonder what Carol Decker's doing nowadays. Is she still alive?

I'm still not sure if my DVD writer can do double layer recordings. I have no time to explore. If it can, then I can start making copies of my Buffy stuff to back it up. I also need to start backing up my music before anything bad happens.

Work is killing me. I have no free time at all for the next week. Luckily, a colleague of mine has graciously offered to cover for me tomorrow if I cover him on Tuesday. At least I don't have to work so many days in a row. That also means I can chill out tomorrow.

The extra money from all the extra work had better be worth it. Actually it would, since my decades-old bed broke on me just now and I need to buy a new one.

My previous blog entry was very boring. Also, you may notice that my unkymood cartoon thingy has been stuck at "Just Here" for months now. I haven't been lazy, it's just the way I feel. It's a reflection of my current state, which is also very boring. I notice that lately, most of my entries have been rather dry.

Life at the moment is like that. Nothing exciting is happening. Nor is there any amount of distress or angst. No emotional highs or lows. I'm not sure, I may be dead inside at the moment. I can't say that I'm doing well, but things aren't getting worse. It's just.... like that, you know?

It's like dreamless sleep, it's just...blah.

One of my friends got married yesterday. Congratulations for the both of them. One less thing to worry about.

I can't wait till the middle of August, where hopefully things will quiet down at work and I can have my long breaks again.

Seven Swords and Such

Last night we went to see Seven Swords. It was a very long movie but quite good.

There's this thing about Chineses movies that I just noticed, especially those kung-fu epics. Mood shots. Long, slow mood shots of scenery, brooding people etc that are quite nice if done properly but get really old if overdone. They should cut back on that. It doesn't help with the story.

Like in Seven Swords. There were lots of scenes they could have just left out. It would've made the movie shorter.

That's my only complaint actually. It was a good movie. Kung-Fu movies rarely suck. Ok, sometimes they don't have much story but the action is always top knotch.

If you go to the website, it actually has more information than the movie itself, especially about the swords and main characters.

Earlier we went to this new eatery called Sri Shan Curry and Such. It serves South Indian dishes aka your typical mamak stall stuff plus some extras. Also very good. And very authentic. I will be back there soon.

The owner came by to our table and urged us to try their fish head curry, which was a very large serving for something that she considered "small". I hate to see the extra large one.

This week, I'm getting extra money. This is always good.

And I bought a new DVD writer.

Movies That Used to Be Other Things

I found something!

Transformers!!!!! A live action one!!!! Produced by Steven Spielberg!!! Who claims to be a big fan!!! Possibly directed by Michael Bay!!!!

Oh My God.

Click on the link and watch Steven Spielberg talk about it. If he's a fan like he claims, they'd better not make any "changes" to it. So far as I can tell, the movie will be Generation 1, when Optimus Prime was a big red truck, Megatron was a Luger, Bumblebee was a yellow Beetle and Soundwave was a walkman!

Please, please, please don't change anything! I'd faint if they turned Soundwave into an I-Pod.

I wonder who the cast will be. There's not much info yet. I'll be anticipating this movie and will be there when it comes out in 2007.

I can't wait to hear Optimus say,"Autobots, roll out!" Oh yeah. And of course, to hear Starscream say,"Decepticons, retreeeeeeeeat!!".

Heh.

Ok, now that I'm done with the fanboy stuff (for now..) there are quite a few more cartoon/comics/video game adaptions I want to watch on big screen actually.

Like Battletech:Mechwarrior for example. It has everything; giant robot action, conflict, politics, intrigue. Pass this to a good writer and it'll make one hell of a movie. Or better, a mini-series ala Band of Brothers. Ten episodes of Mechwarrior from the different perspectives of mechwarrior pilots, tank crews, politicians, civilians, Elementals and ground troops from all sides, Clan and Inner Sphere. It'd be awesome!

I'm not alone in wanting to see more crossover stuff like this done. Go on IMDB and somewhere (I think it was on the Doom forum) you will find discussions about Half Life and Half Life 2 movies. It would make a nice movie too.

But the problem with Hollywood is the "changes" they like to make, ostensibly to appeal to non-fans.

Witness that horrible Wing Commander movie. I'd like to see this movie remade. The original was aweful. It had so many changes, it was unrecognisable.

They'd better not touch my Transformers! But I have faith in Spielberg. Changes or not, at least the quality of the film will be good, at least. And if Michael Bay is directing, I expect lots and lots of explosions.

Another series of games that would make a good movie/miniseries would be the Baldur's Gate series. Ahh, Baldur's gate. I still say it's the best ever role-playing game I've ever played on PC. Great epic story. It might be as good as Lord of The Rings and miles ahead of that crapo Dungeons and Dragons thing they tried. It was very poor and as an ex Dungeons and Dragons player, I was horribly disappointed.

I also think it's about time someone made a Warhammer 40K movie. A live action one would be nice but a CG one would do as well. As long as the story is "canon" and well written. Fans of Warhammer would never settle for something not canon, that much I can say.

There's a hell of a lot of stuff I want to see made into movies and miniseries. If I were to make a list, it would be endless. No matter what it is, the nicest part of all this speculation is the topic of casting. Like nights when we talk about stuff like a GI Joe and Sabre Rider. Who'll play who?

I wish I could remember those conversations, then maybe I'll be able to put the cast list here. It's fun. Try it. Pick a favourite cartoon/comic/game and try and cast it. Hours of fun guaranteed.

I Don't Know What To Call This Post

I'm having some trouble writing. I think this is what people call writer's block. It's a bitch. I've written some drafts but I'm having trouble being focussed and lucid. Everything I write just seems to ramble all over the place.

Because of that, I should stay away from current issues right now. I could misquote someone and that's bad you know.

So instead I will write about what I've been doing as opposed to what I've been thinking, which isn't much at all. I haven't been introspective in a while.

I'm quite pleased to find a rare album on one of the torrent sites I frequent. I found Warrant's 1990 album Cherry Pie! Most people nowadays probably don't know who the hell Warrant are. They're glam rock so I'm not so surprised. I'm not really a big fan, but that album has songs that mean a lot to me. So I'm pleased.

Also quite pleasing was something I did on Thursday night. I went to hang with some friends at their house and ended up jamming the whole night. Right now, the fingers on my left hand are killing me. I'm haven't played guitar that long for a long, long time.

As usual with our impromptu acoustic jams, a lot of the songs come from school days. Stuff like Bon Jovi and a whole lot of other rock bands from that time. Lots of mid nineties music too, like Gin Blossoms. And of course, some old school Malay rock ballads. They don't write stuff like that anymore.

I would like to do this a lot more often, if I can. Music is such a relief.

Another interesting thing happened that night. I received SMSes from someone whom I used to fancy quite a bit last year. Apparently she's bored and unemployed and wants to hang out.

I've decided not to. I didn't tell her that though. It would be awkward and quite possibly end up dredging up painful memories. I guess it's my turn to do something other women have done with me. I'm going to play the drifting away game. I feel bad about it, really. In the past, I used to believe that I was "better" than that and above rejecting others. I guess I'm not that high up.

Idealism is so annoying in it's naivete isn't it?

But let's face it, we're just too different to ever be anything more than acquaintances. I don't want to disappoint myself and at the same time I don't want to disappoint others. I got quite distressed the last time I was with her but that wasn't her fault. I'm not taking revenge or anything like that.

Last night for the first time in a while I actually wondered about getting into a relationship again. I thought about it and put a quick stop to the thoughts. I still think I'm in no shape to attempt such a potentially damaging thing. It's not I need it that badly anyway.

But I still have hopes that it might happen in the distant future, maybe. A solid relationship is nice I hear. I wouldn't know, I've never been in one.

Anyway, that is on the back burner for now. I still have other things to do.

And now, please excuse me while I download Cherry Pie.

Current Music - Ender will Save Us All - Dashboard Confessional , The Swiss Army Romance

Anonymous

I remember a conversation a while ago about publicity and blogging. This was in the wake of the Sarong Party Girl controversy and those bloggers who made the Star article.

I wouldn't reveal my name or my url. I'll be totally anonymous, if I ever make the paper. Actually, I have made the paper a few times in the last few months, but nothing related to blogging. I didn't reveal my real name either.

Last year, I'd probably reveal my name and url with glee. How things change eh?

When it comes to mainstream media, I'd rather avoid the publicity because inevitably, it brings some negative attention. Sure, I should stand firm and ignore the trolls and brickbats who try to bring me down and accuse me of all kinds of attention seeking.

And people should learn to forge ahead and ignore cynical criticism. The question is, is all that crap worth it? Is the juice worth the squeeze?

I like my blog, but I'd rather not make it cause any unnecessary stress. Unnecessary, that's the point. For a worthy cause or a good reason, I can take quite a bit of shit. Entertaining other people's petty jealousies and narrow mindedness is not a good enough reason.

And there's so many people who are still too conservative and too narrow minded in this country. Too many. And for that reason, I honestly think that unfortunately, Malaysia is not ready for full blown free speech. Too many people still too busybody. Too many people still can't leave well enough alone. Too many people can't respect other people's opinions. Too many people can't agree to disagree and live and let live.

But when blogging's concerned, let's not let that stop us from doing it. I know I won't. I think as the older generation dies out and the youth take over, society will gradually open up. That is, if the youth don't let their older mentors poison them with ultra conservatism. Or for that matter, ultra liberalism.

I don't like it either way. I don't like extreme views. I took a political compass test once. The result says, I'm a left centrist. I'm liberal, but I'd be comfortable with some measure of control. I want freedom of expression, use it and endorse it, but not when it becomes an instrument of hate and division. To incite hatred on religious or racial grounds or any other lame excuse is not an acceptable use of freedom of expression. And I think the government should ease up on censorship, which borders on silliness right now. At the same time, excessive violence and porn has no place on primetime.

I think I may have gone astray topicwise. But this kind of thing makes a good topic for discussion actually, I think.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, no thank you to negative publicity. So, I'll stay happily anonymous. No need for me to worry about that actually, it's not as if this blog is good enough for the papers and other mainstream media. It's just me being myself. No controversy (I hope). Nothing to see here.

Fame is one of those things that look good on paper. And like all things good on paper, it ain't all that good most of the time.

Fantastic Four

This month is quite irritating in the way that I have to work on Sundays until the middle of the next month at least.

This morning was one of those mornings when my head is filled is ideas of what to write about. Unfortunately, I always seem to get really good posting ideas while I'm driving. When I'm not driving, I forget what I want to say.

It's irritating.

Also I had another long, long day at work. Doesn't help with blogging, when you're mind is a little fractured due to the fatigue.

Like on Sunday. I went to watch Fantastic Four with Rin and Soph. I had to concentrate really hard to keep up with the conversation over dinner.

Lucky for me, the movie was great. It's a good adaptation. Of course, like all comics based movie there will be those who moan. But it's good. Trust me on that. Go and watch it. And I didn't snicker at Jessica Alba for a change. Actually, there was a time when I actually liked Jessica Alba, circa Dark Angel.

And then she did that horrendous Sleeping Dictionary. The very next day, I saw a Dark Angel episode trailer. I giggled. And have giggled ever since then, everytime I see her.

She's quite good as Sue Storm. I didn't think she could pull it off. And Chris Evans was hilarious as The Human Torch. Anyone who saw Not Another Teen Movie would know that he's quite good at being funny. I liked that movie.

The rest of the cast was pretty good too. My only gripe is that Dr. Doom didn't look threatening enough.

All in all, a fun movie that I actually wouldn't mind watching again.

In other news, there is no other news really. There's still not much happening with all the work I have to do.

I may have some comments to make on some things I read in the paper, but I'll do that when I'm less tired.

Have a good night.

Anniversary Thoughts

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 32.

Earlier this year I had expected to have a hell lot of things to write about on my birthday. I had expected to have a hell of a lot of things to rant about, my life et al.

Apparently not.

I haven't been posting as much as I used to lately. I'm not in any kind of discomfort, that's one reason. Tis true that pain helps create, that much I can say.

I'm in a strange place. Definitely, I've gotten too used to being unhappy about things, to the point that I'm not really sure what to do when I'm not unhappy.

Why was it so bad before? Where did all that angst go? To think, nothing's really changed, except maybe how I see things and how I feel about them. I guess that's enough. Maybe it's enough to change how you see and not necessary to change the world just to make things a little better for yourself? Looks like it so far.

So what's the what for the rest of the year, until I'm 33? Who knows? And it doesn't bother me at all, finally. There really is nothing that I should worry about. I need to get used to that.

I had a good year. And this blog, so influential in almost everything I do. I met a lot of good people through it. It helped solve a lot of internal problems. It helped me see things, see myself and my surroundings in a different way. I think if I didn't blog, I would still be sad. I'm certain that would be the case.

I look forward to what's to come, big or small. The future doesn't scare me as it used to. It could bring wholesale changes or no changes at all. Either way, it's fine by me.

I think this is what it means to cross the line.

To all my friends who came for dinner last night, thank you so much. I had a great time.

Current Music - Wow, Snow Patrol, Final Straw

A Comment About Music

Just got back from an evening with some old friends at The Crib. Reminiscing can be fun. We talked about school days and the times we had in the school choir.

That was a great time then. Music was a big thing back then. We organised concerts and played in bands. Me with my ho-hum abilities managed to get in two bands simultaneously. I played drums. And occasionally second guitar. And sometimes bass. I sang back up vocals too. I can sing decently enough but I never had the balls to actually front a band. That takes a hell of a lot of confidence.

I miss those days. I miss them even more now when I was browsing through Jacob Sagan's daughter's website. Shal's got something here. Check the "Message in the Bottle" video clip. I love how Kuching makes an appearance in it. The video is pretty decently made too.

She's Kenyah. That makes her very unique.

I might actually be intrigued enough to get her CD.

My brother's band have cut their album and it should be out soon. It's quite interesting. It's in Iban with a contemporary feel. Some of the songs are in English. That's unique too. No one else have ever had the same song in Iban and in English. They have three, I think.

I hope they do well. I know the guys (and girl) in the band and I hope they do well. They are nice people.

I got some things to say about the local (by that, I mean in Sarawak) music scene. The underground appears to be doing alright, with many indie artists coming out with some really good stuff. The Iban music scene, I'm really not into. In my opinion, a lot of Ibans still can't stomach listening to their own language in a different genre like R n B, pop and alternative. A few people have tried but not much joy there.

I don't really get why. Maybe they can relate to that more than I can. Having said that, there are some that I sometimes listen to, like Jerry Kamit. He's a sape player and he's good. Unfortunately, I missed his appearances at the just concluded Rainforest World Music Festival.

Anyway, about Iban music.

We're still stuck in time, all the stuff is the same old dangdut, joget stuff. Good for parties, but not much else. There's just too much of the same stuff recycled over and over again. I especially hate it when people take a song, sing it in a local language and rerelease it. It's just embarassing.

So far with my brothers band, I know a lot of college students dig them, I think mainly because they're more familiar with the newer genres.

One day, I hope to see an Iban lass pick up a guitar and write music that speaks to a more modern part of Iban society, the younger urban one whose struggles are different from their rural parents. I think our music should reflect more on our continuing evolution.

Some purists hate newer Iban music because it's too "western" and they accuse those people who try something new of having forgotten their roots. That's utter bullshit and smacks of closed mindedness.

When the ETB album comes out officially, I'll be plugging it here. ETB is my brother's band by the way.

And if one day, an Iban girl comes out with an alternative genre album with music about urban life, I'll plug her too.

Meanwhile back at home, I've gotten a little better at playing lately. I haven't played all that much but at least now I'm trying to play more by ear rather than reading and memorizing tabs. I gotta make it a point to play more. If only I had the discipline to do it.

And talking about music, I'm going to resume with the updating of my music collection. A lot of CDs have to be ripped and a lot of the tracks in my collection have no ID3 tags.

Excuse me, now I must go and test some of Shal Sagan's sample tracks.

Current Music - Sidewalks, Story of the Year, Page Avenue

Back from the Jungle.

I slept the entire day. I enjoyed it, even though usually I don't like it when that happens usually. I just came back from an exhausting weekend.

We went to Camp Permai for the weekend, ostensibly to watch the World Rainforest Music Festival. In reality, I wanted to get away from town and just relax. In fact, I think in our group of six, I can say for certain that relaxation and getting away was for the point.

Since we did say that we wanted to watch the show, we did get tickets for Saturday. It was fine. It was brilliant, but it didn't suck either. The only thing that sucked was the venue I guess. For something as big scale as RWMF, the Sarawak Cultural Village and it's surrounding accommodations is just to small for it. Especially parking. Aside from music of many varieties, I managed to experience the longest 2 km drive I've ever had. That wasn't fun.

Unfortunately, aside from recommending the construction of a giant multistory parking lot that would be mostly empty the other 362 days of the year, I don't have any suggestions.

The bigger point of the weekend was us doing nothing at all and not having any kind of itinerary to follow. And the place where we stayed in, had nothing in the way of facilities, which didn't bother us one bit.

We talked about how some people go to the beach, book a hotel room and stay in that room to watch TV for the duration of their stay. Seems quite wasteful to me actually.

If anyone wants to watch TV at a resort, don't come to Permai. If anyone wants tranquility and peaceful surroundings, Permai is perfect. I love the way the it was built. Minimal modern conveniences. And it's cheap too.

We didn't do much at all while we were there. We talked, drank a little. We went to the Jungle Pool and sat in the cold water. We played Monopoly and blackjack.

One more good thing about Permai is that the cabins, tree houses and other facilities are built apart from each other. So unlike Damai Lagoon or Holiday Inn Damai Beach, there were no annoying sugared up hyperactive kids and their annoying anal retentive parents who complain about other guests and the "noise" they make.

A tip, do not bring young children to Permai, the place is kinda dangerous for kids. Rocks, big trees, roots, water. They could break something if they fall or they could get seriously lost in the jungle.

Everything was so quiet and we felt like we were there all alone. Sure there were other guests, but everyone was just chilling out.

I think the next time we go there, we'll just go there specifically to hang out, no need for any other reason.

And I also need to stop referring to Permai as a "beach resort". It ain't. It's a jungle retreat, which I'm actually beginning to like more than the beach.

I had a good time. And tomorrow, I rejoin the rat race.

But I will return soon, that I can promise.

Not Saying Much

I had an awful, awful night at work.

I was pottering around in the office when out of nowhere I was assaulted by the most painful stomach cramping I've ever experienced in my entire life. I feel a little better this morning, but that was very, very unpleasant.

I think I should watch what I eat for awhile.

I bought Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 7 last week and I must say, season 7 is the most boring one of the lot. A lot of the humour is gone and everyone's too powerful and businesslike. Nothing like the heady days of Seasons 2 and 3. I guess they stopped doing the show at the right time, before Buffy jumped the shark. That would be the worse thing that could happen to my Buffy.

I'm going out later to buy Season 6. Then my collection will be complete.

I miss those days when I would wait for new episodes to come out of the Buffyverse. It's great when there's something to look forward to like that.

Actually there are things to look forward to. Movies are coming out. Like King Kong. I think I'll enjoy that one. Jack Black's in it. And Peter Jackson's directing. And Gollum!

Hopefully this week will be good. I'm on a very long 5 day weekend.

Not a very long post today. Not much to say, really. But that's a good thing, I think.

Nothing Happening Here

I'm finding it quite difficult to write these days. It's not because there's nothing to write about. There are always things to write about. I don't know, I'm feeling very unmotivated somehow.

Am I all blogged out, like they say? Might be. I was thinking about that on the way to work just now, and I thought maybe everything that I wanted to say has been said. Maybe.

Or maybe I'm just being lazy again.

But I'm not going to let lack of initiative stop me from writing.

I was playing Grand Theft Auto just now and I suddenly had an idea. Despite having a camera, I've been too tied up with other things to take photos. I don't take nearly enough.

Well, if I can't take enough photos in real life, I was thinking maybe I should take photos in GTA to make up the numbers.

You see, CJ, the lead character in GTA has many items at his disposal. You know the usual street thug stuff. Knives, guns and the like.

He also has a camera.

And so there I was in the morning, running around Los Santos with a camera taking random pictures, much the same way I do in real life. I took a nice photo of a Fire Dept helicopter (a very nice Blackhawk copy that I've not seen before) at the airport. Also, I have good pics from the top of Mount Chilliad. I'll post that later.

So, I'm thinking if I can't post pictures taken in and around Kuching, I'll post pictures taken in San Andreas. I know this sounds terribly geeky. But it'll be interesting and it'll allowed non-gamer types to see what a breathtaking job the game makers have done.

In other news, there's not much to say.

Everything's quiet around here. I'm not in any kind of turmoil. I was thinking about doing a "this is boring" post, but then I decided not to complain for a change.

Although not as good as being blissfully happy, peace and quiet is still better than being sad and depressed.

I guess I'm a little better at dealing with things than I was before. Very recently, a very young friend of mine got engaged. For once, I did not react badly.

Sure, I felt kinda bummed. I still feel like I'm being left out. Sure, at the time it felt like I was a loser who can't get chicks.

But I didn't dwell on it, at least I tried not to. That made a lot of difference. Instead of moping and wondering why I can't do the same things my other friends can, I just tried to stop thinking about it.

I really don't have a good reason to feel bad about this anymore. It's not like I'm looking for a partner anymore anyway.

Oh yes, I suddenly feel compelled to say that even though some people think that I'm seeing someone, I'm not. Still single here.

There's nothing happening, not with her and not with anyone. Not now and not anytime soon.

The Weekend

We watched War of The Worlds last night. It was very good. I enjoyed. Surprisingly enough, I could hear people in the back saying the movie sucked.

Well, what can you say?

Suddenly now I have the urge the look for the original movie. Been a long time since I saw it. I didn't realize how old that movie was until just now.

I think someone should remake Clash of The Titans. With today's technology, it would be great.

The next movie I'm looking forward to is another remake; The Amityville Horror. It looks quite promising. Ryan Reynolds is in it. I like him.

In other news, I bought an optical mouse! For only RM18 (USD4 something). Very very cheap! Unfortunately, I couldn't find the soundcard I was looking for. I could find SB Audigy2, which cost too much.

I will look for it next week.

And talking about next week, something went wrong with our Holliday Inn booking for next weekend. The dates were right, but the Holliday Inn was wrong. Since Damai is booked solid, we're looking for alternatives, one of which is where we would book ONE suite with three rooms instead of three separate rooms. Works just as well, but let's hope we can get a room.

If we don't, looks like we'll just have to miss Rainforest World Music Festival again. Damn.

I had a fine weekend. For me personally, it was nice. For others, not so much. But I'm just chilling and it's fine.

My birthday is this month. Damn.

Also, must remember to update mp3 collection. Lots of new stuff.

Drift!!

I'm tired.

It's been a long, long couple of weeks. Fortunately, we managed to squeeze one month's work into two weeks, so I can take it easier for awhile.

Went and saw Initial D just now. I'm telling you, as far as racing movies are concerned, this one leaves the rest far behind. It was excellent. The Fast and The Furious? Hah! Inferior.

No, it didn't have much of a story. It's anime, only life action, so the storyline is your typical anime story. Which is just fine in my books. I haven't really watched the anime version so I don't know how close this one is to the original.

I must say that in order to really enjoy this movie, one must have at least a passing interest in cars, racing and drifting. Those drift shots were awesome. You just have to see for yourself.

I think I enjoyed this movie most of all because all the cars in the movie can be found cruising the streets right here in Kuching. Toyota Levin/Sprinter Trueno (my neighbour has the exact same model, AE86), Nissan Skyline R-33, Mazda RX-7, Mitsubishi Lancer EVO IV, all familiar cars. And none of the cars were too blinged out either. It made the movie feel really authentic. I've seen many of these cars race right here in my own back yard. But drag racing, instead of drifting. I'm not sure whether Kuching has a drift scene yet.

I can imagine how much reconditioned Truenos will be worth now. I just read that Toyota is actually considering reviving their Trueno/Levin line due to healthy sales of used Truenos in Hong Kong and Japan. All because of a movie/manga/anime series.

The one thing I didn't like about the movie was the half baked romance between the lead, Takumi and Natsuki. That did very little to advance the story. It was actually quite annoying because I felt like it got in the way of more drifting action.

I think I'll load up Need for Speed Underground 2 again and pick up the Toyota Corolla GT-S, which is what it's called in the US.

All in all, I loved Initial D. I wonder what Fast and Furious III would be like. Yes, the movie wasn't even released yet and someone in Hollywood was already planning a rip off. Set in Japan, drift scene, Initial D fans will find the setting familiar.

In other news, I've been rivetted to my monitor at the office by the awesome Crime Library. Note in particular the impressive serial killers section.

I guarantee a fascinating read.

Now, I must go dig my Need For Speed Underground CD and practise drifting. This weekend, I might go and catch War of The Worlds. Should be a good movie, Tom Cruise notwithstanding.