Friday, September 23, 2005

Possible Call For Help

I attempted to write a long, self analytical post just now. It didn't turn out very well. All I can say to that is, damn my lack of eloquence.

In my case, being excessively introspective is not good at all. Rather than thinking too much, I think I'll just say whatever, you know? So...

A few months ago (or was that a few weeks ago, I can't remember which) I said I was going to put myself through a detox program to remove all the crap that bothers me about myself. Lots of soul searching.

That includes removing or dealing with things like my natural tendency to think of the worst possible thing that could happen in whatever it is I'm doing and embracing that thought. It's a bad habit, being pessimistic all the time.

I'm finding it impossible to deal with.

I keep thinking that if I were to be anything other than pessimistic, then I'm being delusional. I have optimism guilt. I have no idea how I became like that. Unfortunately, I also don't know how to get rid of that guilty feeling. It's stupid and exasperating and I KNOW for a fact that it will make itself obvious in whatever I do or say, thus creating the "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect.

I'm stuck in a loop of perpetual victimhood, dooming myself to failure in whatever risky thing that I do. Of course, repeated failures will obviously result in my self-esteem going down again, thus making me more pessimistic. See the loop?

How do I get out of this?

At the risk of sounding very, very lame, I'll be upfront about this and say that I need some help here. This is a good time for some encouragement. I need to hear it with my own two ears, someone else telling me that I'm not a basketcase or a doormat and that I'm not totally useless nor am I always the loser I feel I am. I try to do this myself but my darker side always tells me that I'm just fooling myself. I can't do it by myself. Period.

I don't want to hear anymore condemnation and snide remarks. I can do that all by myself and do a real bang up job at ruining my own mood.

I'm tired of having a really low opinion of myself and I'm sick of feeling like I'm being too proud when I do go and do something good/right. I want it to stop. I want this to be completely lasered off my personality. I want to feel like it's ok for me to be anything other than low.

I have thought long and hard and it cannot be true. I can't be as useless as I feel I am. I can't always be wrong and not everything is my fault. I can't be 90% flaw and 10% virtue like I feel I am. It can't be. I feel like I'm always beating myself up, but for what?

And yet, even knowing this, I can't stop. What do I do? It's obvious, like from yesterday's episode and many other situations, that something is broken somewhere. For the sake of myself and everyone else around me, I need it fixed. But how?

Is there a way out?

Thankfully, everything else is okay. I try hard and lately, I've been less iritable and feel less pressure at work. I've been less judgemental and I've been less angry about things. Except the thing above of course.

More things I need to work out, including the thing this post is about. In the end, I hope it'll be alright and that in the end, I can find real balance and real peace and quiet. You know, like normal people.

Until then, wish me some luck.

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