Saturday, September 24, 2005

Reform Regroup

After the madness of yesterday's post, I went home as I usually do after work. On the drive home, I felt a little better. The lack of traffic and the smooth drive helped a lot.

I powered up my PC, went on the net for a bit, went to search for stuff on Torrentspy (and not find anything worthwhile), checked out the Total War forum and had something to eat. I played with the cat a bit. She caught a lizard this morning.

I felt better.

I also thought about these relapses I keep having. I thought about all kinds of reasons why I keep having them. Is it something hardcoded or is it just bad attitude on my part? As usual, I can't seem to figure it out.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that some parts of personality just cannot be changed or removed. I've tried to be the opposite and be cheery and outwardly positive (like a colleague of mine who doesn't seem to be upset with anything at all) but it just made me feel awkward and false.

I also note that my lapses are not caused by being lonely or being single or anything like that. Being by myself isn't what bothers me apparently. So, I figured out something new here. Not being in a relationship isn't a trigger. At least it doesn't look like it.

Knowing that, maybe it's best that I don't get involve with anyone right now, not until I find a way to avoid being gloomy like I can get sometimes. Not until I find a cure or something to make myself better. I can't possibly expect my "significant other" to deal with this kind of shit. I need to pull together before I can do justice to the kind of relationship that I want.

I hate to impose. I hope I haven't. So, no girls until I pull myself together and sort everything out.

I thought about some other things this morning, while I was playing my new Total War campaign. Scythian faction, Very Hard setting. Yes, it's hard. At one point, I thought I was going to lose and be wiped off the map by the Thracians, Parthians, Dacians and Romans. I was at war with all of them and I had little money to build improvements or replace combat losses. But I somehow pulled off a revival, pushed Thrace back and am holding out against the rest.

Sorry, digression there.

What was I saying? Oh yes. Thoughts. People change yes? And most of these changes are for good yes? Apparently not all the changes are good.

When I was younger, I was a lot sadder than I am now. I was also a lot less angry. I'm a lot better now, but I've noticed that I get mad a lot faster now. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at suppressing it. But being mad isn't very good at all.

There you go, another bit of poison to detoxify. So what do we have now in our list?

- Excessive pessimism/lack of confidence.
- Being judgmental.
- Depression relapses.
- Worsening temper.
- Lack of urgency.

These are the things I need to eliminate\control.

I also need to learn to be emotionally self-sufficient. I think I'm too dependent on other people for my emotional well being. And what happens when we depend on other people? That's right, we get stomped. I must learn not to react too much to what other people say, especially people who are callous and inconsiderate with the things that they say.

This unfortunately, includes some members of the household. But we're not talking about that now.

So that's another thing.

Now that I got everything written down and posted in a public domain, I hope I can do something about all of it.

Thank you.

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