Tuesday, August 23, 2005

A Funeral

On Sunday, a cousin of mine passed away. Cancer. She would've been 33 this year.

That's the second child my aunt and uncle had to bury. The first one, my best friend, was killed in a bike crash in 1991. The amount of trouble that family's been through is unbelievable.

And yet, as sad as the funeral was, it wasn't gloomy at any rate. Like the priest was saying, we were in church not just to mourn, but to celebrate her life. That cousin of mine is a real go-getter that much I can say. She was as decisive and sure as I am wishy washy and slow.

True to her spirit, she never gave up until the last second. Even through chemo and other stuff, she continued to go to work and teach. Her brother told me that and the priest told us that just now. She was right into it ever since she got diagnosed, actively participating in her treatment, always, always asking questions. Rightly, they admired her for that. Her brothers, her parents, her friends are all proud of her, I'm sure. And somehow, it made her passing less painful to ponder.

She's gone, but while she was around, she made the most of her own life.

The other day Rin was telling that she's been reading my old entries.

"Your old entries are so introspective."

Yeah I noticed that too. I also notice that for a while now, the need to examine myself and my situation is almost gone. Where did it go?

I did get a little introspective just now, during the eulogy. How can I not? It forced me to look at myself carefully once again. Here she was, my cousin, here for 33 years and she did all the stuff that she did and made friends all across the world along the way.

And here I am, what am I doing? Am I doing the all things that I can do? All the things that I should and could do? Am I being the best me the best way I can?

So yeah I thought about it. And no, I'm not doing all the things that I can do. There's so much more. So much damage to fix, so many things to see and do.

I'll be taking some quiet time to think. To be introspective and philosophical again. But not in the way I used to. Instead, I might try looking forward for one thing, instead of regretting things in my past. Which I haven't done for awhile to be fair. At least I'm trying and at least things are changing.

I suddenly wonder, when I die, what would my funeral be like?

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