Thursday, September 01, 2005

A Book and A Thought

I couldn't resist it.

Last night, I went to go to Times' with Rin. She was there to buy some books.

I went to the History section as usual. Last time I went there, I think last week, there were four copies the book that you see on the left here. Yesterday, I saw only one.

I thought,"If I buy this book now, I will be kinda broke and I might regret it." However,..

....what if I don't buy it now and come back later to find the book gone. I'll regret that even more.

I bought it.

So far so good. A lot of fun to read. Good pace, without sounding to pretentiously academic and technical, as books like these tend to be sometimes.

After buying the book, we went to the Crib with some friends. It was good, as usual. Met with some very nice people. Proof that despite my own cynical views, there are some very, very nice women out there who aren't stuck up. Perhaps we can hang out again sometimes soon.

I added some new blogs to the roll. Very good ones, as usual.

I was reading some of my earlier blog entries. How different from now, I thought. And how low did I get.

I solemnly swear that I would never let myself go down that road again, if I can help it. I promise I won't let myself be that pathetic. Suddenly, I realise this may be a rehash of a earlier post. I can't be bothered to look right now.

But seriously, when I think about it, part of the problem was I looked inside too much. In my disappointment, I may have failed to see the big picture. I must remember to look up every now and then, even when things don't look so good. I shouldn't always look inside. Sometimes, there's nothing there but darkness.

Hopefully, now that I know that, I can remember it and not regress.

This a good moment for a spot of regret. What if? I could've done a much better job of being myself, if I wasn't so blind.

But it's gone now. Mistakes done, past is past. I paid for it by wasting the time that I had. Lessons to learn and never to forget. Fell for the wrong women, worked the wrong jobs, said and did the wrong things, tried to to things that I was clearly not fit to do. All done and all gone.

I hope, all that makes me a better person somehow. And I hope it's not too late to right wrongs and make amends.

Yesterday, as I was out with my friends, I suddenly thought to myself,"Have I done or said things that hurt them lately? Have I been callous and selfish? Have I imposed in anyway?" I worried for a split second.

I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or hurt anyone through words or actions. But that's the tricky part. Sometimes, things happen and sometimes along the way, we hurt other inadvertently. Without knowing it and without meaning to. Sometimes, I realise that in the process of socialising, sometimes the wrong things can come out.

I worry about that sometimes. Think about it, the worse thing of all is to be yourself and find that being yourself is the thing that pisses others off. That's the ultimate social worst case scenario. Think of how many wholesale changes that you would have to make if that were the case?

I hope I can avoid that. It's a frightening thought.

EDIT @ 6.21PM: I hate this. After writing this post, I suddenly feel useless and a little depressed. I could use a heart of stone right about now. You'd think I'd get over shit like that after all this time right? I should've gotten over getting upset for no/little provocation right? Stupid. If I was a building, then call me St. John the Unfinished. I'll never be complete at this rate.

On a lighter note, I'm halfway through my 300+ page book despite being busy. I read too damn fast for my own good.

I hope for a happier post tomorrow morning.

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