Sunday Spice

I checked my site meter just now and I notice that one of the search terms listed is a search for pictures of "girls on ladders". What the hell ??? Why ? Why ladders ? I think somebody should get out more.

Ok that was cruel since I know everyone's got their weird little turn-ons. I remember a conversation I had with a girlfriend many, many years ago and she told me one of her fantasies was a gangbang. Not that she would do such a thing, but she did say that she wonders how it would be like.

And just in case anyone gets funny ideas and asks for my help in contacting her, my answer is a firm No. Anyway, I don't think her husband (who is a cool guy) would like the idea.

I miss her all the same. She was one of the very few girl friends I had who could talk about stuff like that openly with me. My other female friends are a little more guarded and not quite so cavalier with the topic of conversation. Which is fine.

We were very, very close. I value the fact that she trusted me like that.

Too bad she fell in love with someone else later instead of me. If we had ended together, we would've had the most passionately fiery relationship, especially the physical part. She's one hell of a spitfire.

Just to spice things up, the "what's your favourite sexual fantasy" conversation is by no means the raunchiest conversation we've ever had. There's more. But the rest, as they say, is between me and her.....

Is she a slut for wondering what it is like to be gang banged ? Negatory. She is not a slut. Talking about it and actually going out to do it isn't the same thing.

Unfortunately a lot of supposedly new age, "open minded" guys I know who immediately answer with a hearty Yes. There's still that stigma about women who are openly curious about sex around here in Malaysia.

It even affects me. I admit it would be rather unsettling to hear a girl friend talk to me about that. At first. But I like to think that I'm open minded so it's okay after I adjust. Why would it be unsettling ? I have no idea. I'm no prude but it would still be strange initially. See how strong social conditioning can be ?

Now that I think about it, many of my girl friends talk to me about sex. For those of us who have never talked about it with a girl before, let me say that it is very enlightening. Especially if the girl you're talking to has experience. I'm grateful for that and for their trust, which I would never betray by naming names. I see a different side to it now. I know what some of the girls like. It's fascinating. I think having this knowledge would help later on, if you know what I mean.

Trust and an open mind, two things I find most attractive.

If I were to find the so-called One, I would like her to be like that friend of mine. Our friendship was the deepest I've ever had with a woman. It was different. We trusted each other totally and we accepted each other as is. That's hard to find nowadays with all the uncertainties and doubts we have about people.

I sometimes think that maybe I should've done more when we were together and before she met her husband. I guess I'll never know now.

And somehow, I seriously doubt that this could ever happen again with someone else.

Minor Babblefest

Some days are harder than others. Some days are quite good. Some days are as dull as a lampshade.

Some days are just plain annoying. Today is going to be one of those annoying ones. I shudder at the thought of working alone today. And all those PCs I have to move and set up. All two dozen of them. All by myself.

I'm going to be so exhausted. Monday seems so far away.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. At least I won't be so bored, provided everything works properly.

Isn't it so typical ? No matter how much we like our work, we always think other people's job is better. That somehow, other people's job is easier and more rewarding than ours ? Human beings are such ingrates and so hard to satisfy, aren't they ?

I'm beginning to lose that dream induced fuzziness. Dammit. And I was so enjoying it too. Maybe the thing fading away is a good thing. Can't be too hung up on a dream right ? Dreams fade as they should and good moments are always fleeting after all.

Too bad, it was such a good dream too. Don't get too many of those these days.

Good moments fleet and bad moments linger on and on and on. That sucks. There really is no such thing as a happily ever after is there ? I know why. It's because we can't be satisfied. "....And they lived happily ever after..." fairytales go at the end. What the fairy tales never talk about is what happens next. Ever wonder why fairy tales have no sequels ?

We keep asking "what next ?". In itself, that kinda prevents everlasting happiness. There's always more, always something incomplete, always something we want to have. In it's own way, we need to be unsatisfied because that provides a drive to achieve.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense here.

Anyway, these thoughts make me wonder is happily-ever-after what I really want ? Maybe the more realistic goal is contentment and security in it's various forms. I think that's far more achievable.

Ok that's enough wild speculation for today.

In other news, there is no other news. I've been at work, so zero excitement. I get too tired to do anything at all when I get home.

I'm hoping to have a more interesting week ahead.

Inside My Head at the Moment

I feel the need to write something. Anything. Too bad I won't actually have anything really important to write about.

It's going to be one of those days. I can just feel it. Just had a flurry of calls and when people start calling helpdesk this early in the morning it can't be good.

And this weekend is going to be one of those weekends. Lots of work to do and I'll be all my myself since there's no extra help available. Looks like I'll actually have to earn my wages this weekend instead of coasting and reading news on Yahoo.

Must remember, I'm fortunate. I actually like my job. I'm not surrounded by dumbasses. It could be worse. *deep breath*

I'm also kinda tired. Didn't get much sleep at all last night. Hence the slight crankiness. Mid-April simply can't come fast enough. That is when my schedule changes and I'll be free on Saturdays again. I miss my non-working Saturdays.

I haven't posted any outdoor pictures in some time, have I ?

A few days ago when I went to buy my new hard disk, I found a good vantage point for taking pictures of downtown Kuching. The view is great and it was raining at the time too. Very surreal from where I was standing.

I didn't bring my camera. Stupid me.

So next week I must remember to go up there and take pictures. I hope it rains. Now that I think about it, there are one or two other places around town that are good points to take pictures from. All elevated with good views. Will I hit them all ?

I need to write down all the songs I've been practising or I'll forget them. It's strange being able to play guitar, but not being able to play any songs because you don't remember any. I really need to get this playing-by-ear thing down. Some songs I can play just from the key, but most of the time I need to remember all the chords. And that usually means looking at a piece of paper.

Need more practice. Right now I'm trying to remember Matchbox 20 and 3rd Eye Blind stuff. Need more practice.

One more fun thing to do with an acoustic guitar is to listen to an electric or a pop/dance song and then doing an acoustic version. Very nice when done well.

Oh damn. I'm really stumped now. Apparently there are no other thoughts in my head besides the above. Early morning, sleepy, hungry. Not good for thought processes.

I wonder what they're serving for breakfast...

No Name Post

Guess what ? Streamyx is down. Again. Yay ! *rolls eyes skywards* And guess what ? My colleague told me that her's has been down for a few days already !! Double Yay !

Sometimes, I wonder what I'm paying Telekom for. We really need an alternative ISP around here. That should keep 'em on their toes.

I'm not going to scream at the technicians when they come a calling though. It's not their fault. They're just there to clean up their boss's mess.

Anyway, I went to bed last night hoping to get a sequel to the previous night's dream. No joy. But I did dream something. It was kinda disjointed and right now I can't remember what it was about. So looks like it's business as usual in my head.

Damn.

I suddenly realize how bizarre it would be to be in love with someone who doesn't exist. That would be very strange. And unfortunate, since there is no way to make it real.

But when it comes to that, aren't we all infatuated with the person we see in our heads ? The perfect ones who don't exist ? I think we need to have that person in our heads. Without that person, how would we know what we want in somebody, right ?

Of course, that might lead to unrealistic expectations. But when a person can't differentiate between reality and dreams, whose fault is that ? Suddenly I'm reminded of that ubiquitous Asian man who wants a maid instead of a wife but can't tell the difference. Poor bastard....

Sorry. Feeling chatty today and I'm charged with caffeine from this morning's rather strong glass of coffee.

I'm still buzzed by that dream I had, can you believe that ? I still feel quite good today. Remarkable.

In other happenings, nothing else is happening. I'm at work till Sunday. I'm hoping it will be a good week. I'm planning to see some old friends on Sunday night and chat over dinner. Should be fun.

And now, back to work...

Only in Dreams

I. Want. This.

For those who don't know what that is, that is a replica of the infamous Orb of Thesulah. That's right, the orb used by Willow to ensoul Angel.

It's a good thing I don't have a credit card. I would've ordered one immediately, poverty and impending starvation be damned.

I'm thinking of ways to fill up my new hard disk. It's so empty right now, even with all my old stuff moved over.

I watched Cold Mountain this afternoon. Beautiful movie. Beautiful. Nicole Kidman is great. She's so elegant and I love the way she carries herself. Such poise. I've got nothing bad to say about her. I enjoy watching her and I'm most impressed with her ability to change her accents.

And Renee Zellweger is so cute, as usual.

I like this movie. It's good.

And talking about beauty, last night I had the most beautiful dream. The kind that you don't want to wake up from. No, it wasn't sexual.

I dream. Usually weird, disjointed, non-sensical type of dreams. But last night, I had a dream so vivid, it had surround sound. And smells. And the physical sensation of being there.

I was happy. The kind of happiness that I wish so hard for. I was content and complete. I wasn't alone.

She was there. And for the first time, I saw her face. She spoke and I finally remember her voice. She was accomplished, confident, real. She was beautiful in an ordinary kind of way, just the way I like her to be. And she loved me.

I'm not going to go into details. I might as well write a book if I was going to.

But the dream manifested the state of being that I crave for. Not just the fact the she was there. It was everything else. Even our jobs were fulfilling and meaningful.

But alas, it was just a dream.

Only now, the object of that dream finally has a physical state. If I were to bump into her in real life, I would recognize her immediately. I wonder what would I do ?

Funny thought. My romantic idealist side likes to think the she would recognize me too. Maybe she's been seeing me in her dreams ?

Hah ! But as we know it, life is rarely so kind as to allow something like this to happen.

For now, I carry her image in my head. It makes me feel good. And today, that will be enough.

Geek Post : New Monster Hard Drive/More Music

There she is. 200Gbs. BigMax meet everyone. Everyone, meet BigMax.

I spent a thousand bucks today. Car installment, new wallet (finally. I got it from my favourite purveyor of counterfeit goods in KP. It's a Levis rip-off. Pretty good quality), DVDs (Exorcist, Cold Mountain, Before Sunset) and a spanking brand new Maxtor DiamondMax 10 7200rpm 8Mb cache PATA133 hard drive. I didn't get the Deskstar because it was sold out and for good reason. The Deskstar is one damn fine hard drive.

The Maxtor comes in a close second. Let's see her from another angle:-



I set up the new disk with two 100Gb NTFS partitions. I have successfully transfered all my data safely, especially the 20+Gbs of my precious music collection and photos.

Weirdly enough, the new disk is actually faster than my old Maxtor DiamondMax 8 40Gb 7200rpm despite being so much bigger. The 8mb cache really does help.

My first impression is pretty good so far. There is not much noise but it's still noisier than a Deskstar. Speed is good like I mentioned before. And so far I haven't noticed any significant increase in heat build up, which is good. Heat kills and it's my biggest concern.

My 380 watts power supply seems to be able to cope with the power hungry beast well enough so far. A friend of mine had severe stability problems when he changed his hard disk. We later found out it was because of lack of wattage. Problem solved by installing a new 400 watts PSU (Power Supply Unit).

All in all, pretty good bang for my RM415 (approx. USD110).

In all that excitement, I forgot to buy picks, new guitar strings and shampoo. In my advanced age, I really need to start writing things down. My scalp is itching like mad at this very moment. Keeping long hair is not easy.

Did I mention that I've taken up guitar again ? I did, didn't I ?

This time, I'm changing genres. I used to have an electric and I used to try and play hard rock and metal stuff. Fun but the technical requirement was a little high. I can't play lead guitar, my playing is simply not fast and clean enough.

I'm planning to get a good jumbo acoustic as soon as my funds permit. I've been practising strummier, janglier music. Now strumming and picking, those things I can do well. It sounds great and acoustic guitar music is more "portable" than electric power chord music too. More camp fire hang out background music possibilities there.

Plus, extra serenading potential *glee*

Damn, I wish I could start a band again. Being in a band is unlike anything I've ever experienced, especially if the players and vocalist are good. Like my last band. We were alright for a bunch of enthusiastic amateurs.

If I could, I'd like to play in a poppier folkier band with an alternative sound with a female vocalist. Think Six Pence None The Richer. Or K's Choice. I love their sound.

I've done that rock/metal thing to death already.

But alas, tis hard to find like minded people with matching schedules to do this. Even harder to find a female singer who likes alternative music. But wouldn't it be nice if it did happen ?

Music Music

I've been sitting on this music meme for months. See, when I'm asked what my favourite song is or who my favourite artist is I'll be stumped. There's simply too many to pick from and it changes from time to time.

And now, the meme.

Random 10:
I put my WMP on random and this is what I got:-
1. Never Too Late - Kylie Minogue
2. Skeletons of Society (Live) - Slayer
3. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
4. I Believe in You -Kylie Minogue
5. The Struggle Within - Metallica
6. Bizarre Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward
7. Stand Here With Me - Creed
8. 2 A.M. - Iron Maiden
9. Paschendale - Iron Maiden
10. Only a Day - Goldfinger

What is the total number of music files on your computer?
After housekeeping and removing duplicates and low quality stuff, exactly 5095 tracks. And counting.

The last CD you bought is:-
Page Avenue - Story of The Year

What is the song you last listened to before this message?
Priviledge - Incubus

Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
1. Miracle - Jon Bon Jovi, Young Guns II OST
- The year was 1991. Our class had just been declared the worst ever Science stream class in the 100 plus years of our school's history. Our teachers were sure only a miracle could save the school from total humiliation.

And so we sat for our SPM with this song in background. Three months later, the entire class defied expectations by scoring 100% passes. Not bad for a bunch of losers eh ?

2. Regret - New Order
- I love this song. Absolutely.

3. The Loneliness of a Long Distance Runner - Iron Maiden, Somewhere in Time
- No genre can be so effective at working angst like old skool metal. This song is part of my "College Years" soundtrack.

4. Misteri Mimpi Syakila - Wings, Hukum Karma
- The first song I learnt to play. I was 16.

5. Pain - Four Star Mary
- Buffy Lives !! Long Live Buffy !! Long Live the Slayer !!!

*Bonus Track - I know the meme says 5 but that's clearly not enough.
6. True - Spandau Ballet
- One of my all time favs. I wouldn't be able to forget how this song goes even if I tried, it's been laserburnt into my brain.

Who are you gonna pass this stick to (three persons and why)?
Why only three ? Music is the spice of life. Everyone's life has a soundtrack. Everyone should do this meme.

I feel like writing about music, particularly the music I like. I also want to write about how I'm playing guitar again. Unfortunately, I have errands to run.

Later then.

Ladders

I'm going to stay away from the Internet for a few days. Okay, maybe ONE day, if I could last that long.

To be honest, I'm feeling a little burnt out. There's not a lot that's happening nowadays. Not so much to write about.

I went to see Florence last night. A few drinks after a hard day is quite the relief, let me say that. It was great.

And today I was supposed to go out but I ended up at home nursing a hangover. I keep forgetting the fact that I SHOULD NOT drink too much beer. I always get the most severe hangovers from beer. Better stick to good ole vodka. Vodka based drinks are always the most fun. And painless.

I saw this girl last night and I was consume with this an almost irresistable urge to go talk to her. I say almost because I took too long to think of what to say and when I did, along comes this huge Scandinavian guy and he sits between us and starts talking to her.

There goes another potentially interesting evening and along with that, there goes another potentially interesting blog entry. What was good about last night's incident was the fact that for once I was not consumed my the usual dread and not concerned about whether she was going to like me or not. I just wanted to talk, that was it.

So unfortunate for me, it took SO long to think of something to say that wasn't a cheesy pick up line. I should remember the fact that "Hi how are you ?" is perfectly acceptable for most people (hopefully).

I nearly forgot. I'm supposed to be taking a break from all this date-like social activities as a part of my angst reduction programme. Sure I could pretend like it wasn't but it was. Secretly, whenever I meet a girl I've never met before there's always that "Is she dateable ?" question.

I believe in some circles there is a concept called the Ladder Theory at work here. I've read about it in so many blogs and other places and yet somehow I can't think of where to find the links right now.

For those who don't know what The Ladder Theory is, it basically describes how when a woman meets a man she will classify him immediately into one of two "ladders", the Friends ladder and the potential-boyfriend Ladder. For a man, all women are potential girl friends.

According to the theory, the two female ladders are mutually exclusive. The chances of a man crossing over from the friends ladder to the potential ladder is very slim.

I'm not entirely sure about how true this is. Sounds like an oversimplification to me. I'm quite sure there are always exceptions to rules like these.

As a mental exercise, I have thought about it. In my case, it's true that I do look at a new female acquaintance as a potential date first, a potential friend second. So maybe, half of that theory is true. I can't vouch for the girls unfortunately. Not being a girl makes it hard for me to speculate.

The idea that the two sexes view relationships differently is intriguing though. I'm sure that it is true, I'm just not sure how different exactly. I do think that it is true when it says that men view relationships from a more physical view than a woman. Having said that, I do not agree that men cannot appreciate the more emotional aspects of a relationship. Therefore, the idea that men are only after one thing is invalidated.

Sure, guys like sex. But that's not the only thing guys want from their girlfriends/wives. And women enjoy sex too. It would be grossly unfair to them it they didn't.

Relationships are difficult aren't they ? And it seems to me that the older you get the harder it is to get into one. And the more you know, the harder it is to be open to it. I think that's ironic. Knowing more and having more experience should make things easier. Apparently not when your emotions are involved.

Maybe people are like forts and castles. The older ones have more and better defenses and are trickier to breach.

Or maybe, it's just me.

Update : I found this and this ! Brilliant !!

Currently Listening to Ocean Avenue Yellowcard Ocean Avenue

Super Ultra Mega Rant

Longest. Post. Ever.

When I read the paper, I find some absolutely crazy things being written. Before anything else, I would like to say that everyone's entitled to an opinion, however absurd.

Check out this thing I found in today's Star. Heck, I'll repost the whole thing here:-

Singapore girls – a challenge to love

Insight: Down South
By SEAH CHIANG NEE

EDUCATED and financially independent, the new Singaporean woman is running into a wall of male traditions that is leaving some holes in their relationship, including marriage.

The trend had been building up over a couple of decades. In few other countries have women made larger strides in education and careers than in Singapore.

During the past few decades they have caught up with, and even overtaken, men in fields they had once dominated.

In university, women still outnumber men 55-45 with many moving strongly into subjects like media, mathematics, law and engineering, among others.

Recently girls won seven of the top 11 awards for A-level Physics, which had long been a boys’ domain.

Island-wide, women have moved into the highest ranks of the corporate world and commanded artillery units or police divisions, as well as trained jetfighter pilots. Ten women, aged 20-40, are planning to climb Mount Everest.

In short, the new female is able, confident and more than holding up half the heavens, but not getting equal success in their relationship with men.

This is running smack into a traditional male value of wanting to be seen wearing the pants, causing a growing “incompatibility”.

Better education has also led to the woman being perceived as too ambitious, self-centred and materialistic, not qualities that promote romance.

As a consequence, more men are choosing their brides from abroad, especially from China, Vietnam and most of all Malaysia, where historical links remain strong.

I attended five weddings in the last eight months that reflected the trend.

Four of the brides were from Malaysia and China and only one was local. I was told this was becoming a trend that government matchmakers have failed to correct.

One groom with a Johor bride said he had found Singaporean girls too materialistic and demanding. “One specifically set a condition: no living with my parents. She wasn’t happy dating on public buses.”

The women’s relentless pursuit of a career had come at the expense of learning to do simple household chores like cooking, ironing or looking after babies.

“If you want to marry a Singapore girl you must be prepared to eat at hawker centres for life,” one male cynic said.

A marriage agency owner told a radio interviewer how some of the girls had, on the first date, plied the men with questions like: What is your degree and earnings? Do you own a condo? “And they’re surprised when they didn’t get a second date,” she said.

Others find them picky, untrusting and calculative towards love and marriage.

Results of recently released research have found that one in five Singaporean wives is hiding her assets from her husband for fear that he will squander them or in case the marriage fails.

This 20% here compares with France (7.2%), USA (7.6%), Brazil (9%), Romania (12%) and Britain (16.8%).

But there are more hoarders in Japan (38%), Saudi Arabia (32%) and China (21%).

It doesn’t inspire trust. Another sign is the increasing number of cases when a private detective is hired to check on the spouse.

Pre-marital contracts are also becoming more common among people who want to keep their assets out of their spouse’s reach in any divorce. Almost six out of 10 women say in a survey that they are not submissive, while two-thirds believe they could live without men.

The changing female attitude is, of course, only half the cause.

The other is the man sticking to a traditional view that it is his right as head to leave the babies and household work to his working wife. One in two women here have a job.

The social impact is a growing number of single women, especially university graduates.

A growing minority is marrying Westerners.

This has prompted a newspaper reader to urge her well-educated peers to revisit some the traditional feminine traits.

Her letter followed reports that more Singaporeans, including young professional males, were turning abroad for brides.

She said she had worked in Vietnam and found the girls there feminine, their speech melodious.

“They work hard without complaining, carrying loads of cloth and vegetables in the market stalls and food places. Simple, gentle and hardworking, it's hard not to fall in love with them,” she added.

As for the Malaysian ladies, she finds them “neither loud nor argumentative, (but) pander to the boys' needs. Not as doormats, but as cheerful assistants, who see it as their obligation to help their men without expecting anything in return.

“Not that they are stupid - oh, no, the Malaysian girls I know are smart and hardworking, with careers of their own.

“But when it comes to matters of the heart, they play the docile, giggly girlfriend with as much aplomb as their Vietnamese counterparts. Again, it's easy to see where their attraction lies.”

In contrast, the Singapore girl is twice as likely as her Malaysian or Vietnamese counterpart to stride away in a huff or throw water in the male's face or hold a public screaming or crying fit.

“The Singapore girl debates and argues impassionedly. She wants to win at all costs and treats her love conquests like those fought in the office arena. She may be pretty, yes, smart, yes, but, oh, so demanding.”

The Singapore girl, in short, is a challenge to love, she added.

Although she may, at the end of the day, be a supportive and faithful spouse, the barbs hiding her soft interior are daunting to the suitor.

“She is materialistic, and loves being so. Shopping is a major hobby, and looking good is absolutely essential. The man is but another accessory, a helper, chauffeur, bag carrier.”

There are, however, some 200,000 men who have a poor education and a low salary. Their prospect of marrying a Singapore girl is slim.

One emotional man said online: “I’m fed up with life. Can’t even find a date let alone a wife.” For him and the rest, salvation lies in Vietnam or China.

-------

I don't know about you, but rarely have I read an article in a major paper so full of broad sweeping statements. It's insane. And offensive.

And rarely have so many thoughts jammed their way through my brain, screaming to be written down. I swear I could write a mean thesis based on this article. I could literally argue point to point against this article.

I'm not going to argue about whether that article is true or not. I'm not Singaporean and therefore do not have any experience with Singaporean girls. Maybe there are like that, who knows ? But I'm inclined to think that it's not all true. If it is, then doom on them.....

Yes, I have quite a few things to say, as per usual when I am appalled.

When you read this kind of thing, how can you argue when women consider all men (especially local men) to be insipid, insecure, chauvinistic assholes. *shakes head*

I can't say much about the typical Singaporean woman, or any typical woman for that matter. I do believe one thing, a bitch is a bitch whether she is educated or successful or some stuck up factory worker from Kapit. A bitch is a bitch. Where she comes from or what she does or where she went to school is irrelevant.

I sometimes wonder out loud about Iban women too. But the worse of them aren't successful or well educated. You don't have to be smart to be stuck up.

And what's this thing about "Better education has also led to the woman being perceived as too ambitious, self-centred and materialistic, not qualities that promote romance." Does a girl have to be a country bumpkin to be a good wife ? I guess that depends on what kind of wife you want.

If what the article say is true than I feel sorry for my own sex. If a man can't be comfortable with a dynamic, highly educated, high achieving woman, whose problem is that ?

I honestly can't understand. The absolute best times I've had with women are with the ones who were upfront, confident and yes, highly educated. And achievement ? BIG plus. Imagine the stories she could tell. Happily, I have known some fabulous, well educated, well travelled women in my time.

Personally, I like a woman who can match me word for word in conversation. Trust me when I say that I can be a blabbermouth.

Personally, I would be so lucky if I was to have a girlfriend who is both better paid and better educated than me. I would be so proud.

One could argue that a woman like that wouldn't have anything with regular, local guys like myself and would rather galivant with some white guy. Well, if she measures me up with what things I own, what my net worth is or will be, what qualifications I have, what my ride is, what country I come from etc etc.....

.....she can go to hell. I'm not going to waste time with a shallow, materialistic bitch like that. See ? Bitch. Nothing to do with education there.

One more thing, I'm not unique with my preferences about women. My mom doesn't talk much about marriage and wives, but when she does she always tells us one thing.

Get a wife who works a day job. A good day job preferably.

Why ? Because during hard times they will be two of us who can support each other. And if worse come to worse and if something terminal happens to me for example, she can still support herself and our kids (if any) and go on living as opposed to being totally helpless.

See ? Total opposite of what the article says.

I have another thought.

I may naive when I say this but when it comes to relationships, I work on the premise that if she likes me then she'll make time to hang with me, go out of her way for me and tolerate my habits, good and bad.

I know that's what I'd do when I like someone. I'm sure I'm correct when I say this is true about everyone. I'm damned sure.

After all it's common sense, you can't get the girl/boy you like to like you by being an asshole/bitch right ?

In the end, you know what the problem really is ? People and their unrealistic expectations. We should make allowances for imperfections. I think that's why people have such a hard time finding a partner, myself included.

In the article, it seems to mention women who prize material success and status as opposed to what really matters ie the person himself. If she can't see that, then she doesn't deserve a good man. Harsh, but fair.

It also mentions men who are intimidated by the woman being so-called above him. If he is such an insecure prick, then it's his own fault and he doesn't deserve a woman at all. This type of men embarass me. Unfortunately, I know some guys who are like that and I'm deeply ashamed.

And it mentions people who can't balance between career and private life and other people who aren't in touch with reality. Also, the apparently it features the ubiquitous Asian man who wants a maid instead of a wife but can't tell the difference.

Why are there still people like this in the 21st century ?

Sadly, I must tear myself away from the computer because I'm sweaty and I need to take a shower. And I haven't had dinner yet.

I'm suddenly thinking, wouldn't this be a great conversation topic ?

Currently Listening to Here In My Bedroom Goldfinger Goldfinger

Money Stuff

This morning, I have this strange unsettled feeling in my stomach. I don't like it. It could be an adverse reaction to work. Happily, I only have to endure three days of it. And my boss is on leave until next Monday. How I envy him.....

I'm still tired from the long week last week. I need a break. Unfortunately no chance of that happening anytime soon. Too much work to do. I might actually have to scrap my plans for Sunday since there is a possibility I might get a call back. Plus someone is asking for a replacement next week. I don't know whether I want to do it or not. Probably not. I need my chill out quality time.

I'm tired. I'm kinda stressed out. Come March, I'm going to take a longish break, hopefully.

Look at that, I'm talking about March already. How time flies faster and faster, faster even than last year. And last year was faster than the year before that. The older I get the faster time flies. What's up with that ? What changes the perception of time ? It's not like I've had any big change of pace over the last few years, so it can't be that.

Sometimes, I get the feeling like I'm running out of time to do all the stuff that I want to do. That's probably not true. It's just perception.

This is not a complaint. I'm just wondering.

In other happenings, there is hope that the last months of this year will see a HUGE change in my routine. Excuse me while I take a flight of fancy.

Imagine a career shift so massive that it will take away one of life's big concerns i.e money. How freeing would it be ? If it does happen, I will be taking a LOOONG sabbatical. Maybe two months. I like that thought. I I could go travelling solo. I've never done that before, ever.

One of my ambitions is to run my own business concern. The end of this year I could be doing exactly that. I'm kinda excited. I'm fully ready to accept the fact that it might not work out (again) but I'm still excited.

But does the removal of money concerns a gateway to a freer life ? By itself, no. Money can't buy freedom, at least not in this sense. But it can help if I live right. It really helps being a low-cost, simple guy.

My cousin and I were talking about it. He asked me,"How much would our lives change if it did work out ?" We thought and discussed long into the night. The verdict ? Probably not much will change. We'll still keep the same friends, hang out at the same places, read the same books, play the same games. We'll travel a bit more and further away and I'll drive a slightly flashier car but essentially we'll be the same guys.

I'm not much for materialism. I'm not really interested in the acquisition of status symbols and other outward signs of poshness. I'm much too rebellious for that kind of life, I hope. The real comfort of having more financial clout is the security that it can bring, not the money itself. It's not about being rich, it's about being safe.

It wasn't always like that.

When I was younger and just out of college, I too wanted all the trappings of success. I too wanted the flash cars, the jewels, the seaside bungalow and the acknowledgement of being successful. We labored long and hard. But in the end, we got nowhere. I left and settled into a new job.

And here I am.

It's a good thing that this could happen now rather than before, when I was much younger and therefore less sure of myself. "Success" can ruin a person. I'm sure we've seen it happen.

So now, I keep my fingers crossed, my head down and my wits about me. Hopefully, this time it will happen instead of just petering out. Hopefully.

Nothing Deep Here

I watched Constantine yesterday night. It was good. I liked it alot. I might even watch it again, Keanu Reeves notwithstanding.

He's not exactly a personal favourite. There are many others better looking and better actors than him who aren't as high up in the A list. Like David Boreanaz. I didn't like him at first either, but that was just petty jealousy. I think he would've made an excellent John Constantine, as long as he doesn't use his crap Angel Irish accent.

Despite some rude comments on some forums, Constantine is good. I'm not sure how close it is to the comic though. I haven't read any of it. I do know that John Constantine is supposed to be a scouser, that's one thing.

Personally it would've been more interesting and darker if Constantine was set in England.

Another plus for this movie is Rachel Weisz. She's cool. I like her. A funny thing happened while I watched the movie. I actually forgot who Rachel was. The whole time I was wracking my brain going "Who the hell is she ? She looks SO familiar..." Rachel is a better actor than Keanu, definitely.

I'm getting old.

Another note on Constantine, brush up on your Catholic Christian general knowledge to get max value. It also helps to know what the Spear of Destiny is.

On the whole, I like this movie. A good story with some genuinely frightening moments. Go and watch.

I suddenly thought how great would it be if they made a Buffy movie and made the demons look like they did in Constantine. That would rock. I would pay good money to see a dark Buffy movie. Demonic, gothic dark, not bonking-Spike-Season-6 dark.

Personally I think if they did make a Buffy movie, the big bad should be a vampire again. Good to go back to basics. And even better if Amy Acker comes back as Illyria ! Oh yes !!

I have another thought. I'm trying to download Buffy Season 7 now and when I'm done, I want to make a Top 10 Buffyverse fight scene anthology. Yes, ten of the best fights in Buffy.

Part of what makes Buffy so great to watch are the fight scenes. I haven't finalized what the final ten would be and how to rank them, but it would definitely include:-

Buffy vs Faith - Season 3, Ep. 55, Graduation Day Part 1 - Slayer showdown. Fight to the death. Buffy stabs Faith with a large, ornate knife. Who can resist ?
Buffy vs Faith - Season 4, Ep. 71, This Year's Girl - They almost completely destroy Buffy's house while fighting. The most vicious fight in the history of the show. I love it.
Buffy vs nine vampires - Season 5, Ep. 88, Into the Woods - She takes them all out within 15 seconds.
Angel vs Riley - Season 4, Ep. 76, The Yoko Factor - Two boys fight over a girl. Dumb, but fun to watch.
Buffy vs Angel - Season 2, Ep. 33, Becoming Pt 2 - Swords !
Buffy vs Caleb - Season 7, Ep. 143, End of Days
Buffy vs M'Fashnik demon - Season 6, Ep. 104, Flooded - Well shot and well choreographed. And Buffy is wearing a long skirt.
Buffy vs Sunday - Season 4, Ep. 57, The Freshman

So far those fights stand out. They are cool.

I'm bored again. It's obvious isn't it.

And talking about downloading, I find myself suddenly needing to know how to read Spanish, Danish and German. Why ?

All the English language torrent sites are getting shut down. So now I need to get my stuff off non-US based sites. Happily enough, I happen to know a smidgen of German and Spanish. Still, any excuse is a good excuse to learn a foreign language right ?

In other news, despite the somewhat weepy post-Valentine's Day entry, I'm ok. Sometimes these thought come back but I know that and I'm ready to deal when it does. I'm taking a break from the whole thing. Not in a good state of mind to (attempt to) start a relationship. Or for that matter, even new platonic relationships with women. It's still too hard to accept when it doesn't work out. I guess I'm still a little raw inside.

So far, things are ok. A little dull, but ok.

Currently Listening to Wasted Goldfinger Disconnection Notice

Another Angst Trip

It had to happen. No way I can get past Valentine's Day without getting at least a wee bit emotional. So if you're the type who think guys who are emotional are pathetic, then stop right now, leave and take your snide remarks with you. You have been warned.

I'm posting another picture of the sky because:-
- I like the sky. It's blue and quite pleasing to look at when the weather is good. Or even when the weather is not so good.
- I didn't take any pictures that are any good the last few days and I didn't go anywhere today so no new pictures.

I noticed a good number of blogs with song lyrics today. And there is actually a good reason why I posted my song lyric.

That song explains how exactly I feel about love as a whole. The words are perfect. I could never express myself that clearly about something as abstract as love, not in a million years. Being a rushed typist and a sometimes crappy speller doesn't help.

So why confuse myself writing when there's a song that says the exact same thing in less than four minutes right ?

I was blog surfing and I came upon a post that really, really struck me. Lots of uncensored truth in that post.

"The same people who are most cynical about love and marriage are the people who want it most"

That is so true. There's that craving, and yet you can sate it. And it kills to feel that. I can deny and pretend until the cows come home, tell myself everything is okay and I don't need to be in love or don't need someone to be in love with me.

I'm right too. I don't NEED it. Live goes on, I go to work, I hang out with my many friends, I blog, I play games and surf the net, watch my DVDs. No NEED to be with anyone in particular there.

I don't need. I WANT. I'm tired of being all alone here. I'm not talking about physically lonely either.

I want someone who loves me whom I can love back. I want to burn for someone who burns for me just as much. Someone who's excited as I am when we meet, even if it is for something mundane like paying the phone bill.

I want to be with someone who talks to me and listens. Someone who will trust me for no other reason than she does. I want to be in love and have that love returned to me instead of the usual unrequited shit.

I want that. That is all.

Before I go on, please don't tell me to enjoy singlehood and that it's not a bad thing. I KNOW that. I've mentioned this before. I'm more interested in the how more than the what.

That is not the problem and never the problem. Me being single is irrelevant. Feeling alone and being single is not the same thing. The singlehood is not what hurts. It's the loneliness and not the kind that can be cured by being with your friends and your family. And trust me when I say it can be deafeningly silent in my world. I want that silence broken.

By the way, how to remove that loneliness ? Is there another way aside from being in a good relationship ? Or is that even part of the solution to begin with ? What should I do ? How can I make myself NOT feel like this ? Can someone tell me ?

I'm not cynical about love. Sometimes I do feel like that, but more out of anger and frustration at the time more than anything else. I get pissed off at how stupid the whole thing can be. I like someone, she doesn't like me. She likes me, I don't like her the same way despite trying to. I get hurt and I hurt other people.

It's an endless circle and seems like it's totally pointless. It's stupid and I don't understand why it's so hard for me.

But big picture, I'm not cynical. I see my friends. I see my colleagues at work and my neighbours. I know it can work. I know there can be a good conclusion. Happiness happens. And I'm glad for them.

But I do feel the envy. I wonder where I go wrong. I wonder how they do it. What makes it tick ? How can I not ? Did I not put in effort ? Did I not try my level best ? Did I not have the best intentions ? Or am I not good enough ? Are they better than me ? What ?? How ??

Yes, I think it's unfair. It's unfair when I try SO hard and have nothing to show for it. It's unfair when I fall in love with someone and then lose her to someone else who just happened to walk by. Does it make me a bad person to feel bummed and left out when things like these happen ? Do I sound ungrateful ? If so, then yes I am a bad person. What can I say ? I'm not a saint, my patience is not unlimited, my faith not as strong.

If God listens to me, then I want to ask a little favor. If I was never meant to be with anyone, if I was supposed to me by myself in this world then please take my desires away. Why put it there if it's not supposed to be fulfiled. Or maybe, I'm supposed to feel it. Punishment ? Cross to bear ?

Regardless, life goes on. I'm not thrilled to be alive, but neither am I terminally depressed. I have my gripes and I also have things that I'm happy to have. I'm okay. I'm not heartbroken and I'm not desperate. I've had worse days.

I'm not cynical about love. I believe it exists. Maybe not in my world, but it exists. Perhaps, God willing, I might do enough to deserve it one day. Who knows ? Maybe for once, I won't do something monumentally absurd and throw it all away.

If love exists in your world, then I'm glad for you. Have a nice day.

Would you ?

Nothing bitter here.

Here, a song for all of us. Find it if you can. Listen to it. It's beautiful.

That Kind of Love - Alison Krauss

Who would sell their soul for love?
Or waste one tear on compromise
Should be easy enough
To know a heartache in disguise

But the heart rules the mind
And the going gets rough
Pride takes the fall
When you find that kind of love

I can't help feeling like a fool
Since I lost that place inside
Where my heart knew its way
And my soul was ever wise

Once innocence was lost
There was not faith enough
Still my heart held on
When it found that kind of love

Though beauty is rare enough
Still we trust
Somehow we'll find it there
With no guarantee
It seems to me
At least it should be fair

But if it's only tears and pain
Isn't it still worth the cost ?
Like some sweet saving grace
Or a river we must cross

If we don't understand
What this life is made of
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love

Cause when innocence is lost
There is not faith enough
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love

Have a nice day.

Off Tomorrow

Oh God, I'm so knackered. But tomorrow will be a good day. For tomorrow I am not working. At last, I'm free ! I'm grateful though. Unlike a lot of people, I actually like my job and my colleagues and boss are nice people who aren't clueless and annoying. I'm lucky like that.

But still, I'm so tired these few days. It's been a tough Chinese New Year week.

I want to go out. Maybe visit some friends and check on my dad's car while it's been fixed. Maybe talk about computers, cars and women again. I haven't seen or talked to anyone outside my household for 5 days. It's weird.

I haven't seen the sun in days. Ok that's kinda exaggerated. But I feel like that. And how can I not ? I get off work at 7.00am and reach home at about 7.40-7.45. I turn on my PC, have breakfast, check my mail and play a game for about an hour. Before 9.00am I'm asleep. I wake up late evening, 4.00 or as in the last few days, 5.00pm. Eat something, shower and run out at about 6.00pm. Not much time at all to see the sun.

I'm on the verge of forgetting what afternoon looks and feels like.

And because I haven't been out, I have no new outdoor photos. Which is unfortunate since outdoor pics are my favourite kind.

I was surfing this morning and found a trailer for Intermedio. I want to watch this movie when it comes out. It's got Amber Benson in it. And also, Yellow Ranger ! And Ed Furlong. You might recognise him from Terminator 2. FYI, Intermedio is a horror movie.

I just noticed how many ex-Buffy people are doing horror type stuff these days. No need to talk about SMG, we all know what she's been doing. Then we had Eliza Dushku doing Wrong Turn, which was quite ok actually. She's also the lead for Tru Calling, and that one is supernatural too.

And now we have Amber doing Intermedio. And I hear Nick Brendon is doing one entitled Unholy and another called Slaughter Party.

What's up with all this horror ?

Anyway, it's all good. I admire all this people and look forward to all the things that they are going to do.

It's kinda obvious that I like movies, no ? I'll damn near watch anything. I'll even go alone.

Some of my friends like movies too, but some of these people don't want to pay to watch it in a cinema. No point they say. Too expensive they say. Better go and buy a crappy pirated VCD and watch it on my teeny-weenie 14" analog TV they say. Ok I guess that's fine by me. Whatever rocks your boat.

Me ? I like to see everything Big. And Loud. Happily I have other friends who like this too.

There's this magic about watching a movie on the big screen that I just can't describe. Plus, social activity. Watch movie, go supper and talk about movie. Fun !

Ok I'm so obviously bored now. Later then. Excuse me while I go and see what else is playing.

Advice

My dog passed away at around 6.00 this evening just as I was about to leave for work. He was 14 years old. I feel kinda bummed. At least he didn't feel too much pain and we only realised he was gone when we checked on him. He had been sick the whole week. Some kind of bone condition, so says my mom.

It'll be weird coming home later this morning. No dog to shoo away from the porch. Wherever he is now, I hope he's ok. At least he'll never have to worry about thunder and explosions from firecrackers. He hated those.

And now, we can let the other one out of his enclosure and let him have the run of the house. I wonder if he'll wonder where the other one went to. The two of them didn't get along too well.

Am still stuck at work. With not much real work to do. I was supposed to run some tests on a brand new server we just got, but I couldn't because the damn thing only had PCI-E & PCI-X slots and I have a boxful of PCI network cards. So no go. Bummer.

In lieu of anything useful to do at home, I've finally gotten around to burning my Buffy Season 6 avi files. I'm up to ep. 12 now. I brought some of the CDs with me today, so I actually watched those. Not so boring. And Season 6 ? Not so bad the second time around. Made more sense and I finally got why Buffy was behaving like she did.

Ok enough Whedon talk. It's lonely. I'm the only Buffy fan I know around here. I remember the same thing back when I was nuts about The X-Files (especially the first 3 seasons). I was the only one of the few who were really into it.

Oooh look ! Valentine's Day is coming soon (groan). It doesn't bother me that much, really. Not as bad as it used to.

But I can't lie. It's tough when I go around and notice all these reminders that you're single. Unwanted. Forgotten. Look at all the other normal people you freak, they're with their Significant Others. Where's yours ? Oh sorry we forgot, you're a socially inept, four eyed freak. You're doomed buddy. Doomed ! Muahahahaha !!!!

Ok it's not like that actually. That was just me being a drama king. But for the record, sometimes that is what I hear in my head sometimes. Sometimes it's hard not to listen. It makes me sad.

And also for the record, please don't tell me that being single is ok and there's nothing wrong with it. I KNOW that. And yet there it is, the gnawing pangs. I so desperately need a lobotomy. Or weed. Or a good smack in the back of the head. Preferably with something heavy. And made of metal.

I want so much to be ok and write about how ok and cool everything is for the sake of my friends and all those nice people that read this and leave comments. I feel guilty when I listen to all the advice and read all the comments and NOT feel better. It's almost as if I'm not trying hard enough, like it's my fault that things can't get better. Maybe it is. I can't rule that out.

For the record again, I'm not really depressed right now. I'm just preparing for the inevitable decline in mood that the 2nd week of February will bring.

I'm not bitter. I refuse to be. I wish to feel good about those people I know that do have a reason to get excite about next week. In the spirit of the occasion, I will dispense some advise of my own. Nothing definitive or profound, just results from my own observations.

If you're in a relationship that works, be grateful. There are other people who would kill to have what you have. Please take care of each other. What you have is rare. Don't treat each other as conveniences that come when needed and disappear when not.

Learn to talk to each other. About everything. Be open and remember that neither one of you are perfect and unblemished. We all have skeletons in our closets and have done and said things that we're not proud off. Tell. Before he/she hears it from someone else, tell.

Learn to communicate. If you're not feeling good, not in the mood, say so. Don't expect your partner to suddenly be psychic and be able to read your mind. That mind reading and knowing what people feel without saying a word shit is all trashy romance novel fairytale crap.

Listen. Learn how to pay attention without being a smart ass know-it-all. Remember your relationship is about two people, not just you. You're not always the hero of the play. Sometimes you can be that person who pulls the curtains up and down.

If you want someone and she/he says no, bail. Go away and never come back. No means no. All that shit about persistence ? Also a steaming pile of crap. Chances are, when someone makes up his/her mind about you, they probably won't change it. No need to waste six years before you finally get it. No means No. Besides, NO ONE likes a pushy desperate person. So save yourself the heartache. If she/he wants to just be friends, he/she will call you.

If you like somebody and realize that you don't have a shot, don't say anything. Why ruin a good thing, especially when you are friends. Save yourself the disappointment. Unless you actually like to hear the word No and enjoy being rejected.

And finally, if things don't work out don't blame the entire gender. No one has a monopoly on suffering, heart break and pain. Both sides are capable of ripping out the still beating heart of the other and stomping on it. Both sides can lie and manipulate. Both sides have their share of predators and hapless losers. And both sides have their share of saints and angels.

Remember that.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Road Rant

I'm at work again. Three nights left. I'm trying to psyche myself up by thinking about the extra money I'm making with all this extra work. So far, it's not working. I still feel like going home and curling up in my perpetually dark bedroom.

Damn. Oh well. And since I'm at work and have nothing interesting to do I shall now ramble lengthily. I hope you all will enjoy reading it, heh.

I read many blogs. Everyday. Many times during the day. Sometimes I read stuff that I vehemently disagree with. The kind of posts and comments that make me want to go "Now look here. That's NOT how it works."

Except I never really express disagreement much. Mostly out of politeness and the fact that I try to remember that the blogger/commenter is expressing an opinion and not actively trying to provoke a reaction. Also most of the time, internet arguments aren't really worth participating in. Although I admit, there are fun to read.

Just check out the IMDB boards. Look for any of those "something" vs "something" threads and I guarantee laughter aplenty. And sometimes some very interesting points. The most fun ones I've read recently are the Blade vs Angel thread on the Blade Trinity forum and the Aishwarya Rai vs Angelina Jolie thread on the Aishwarya Rai forum. Fun !

Anyway, I must admit sometimes I don't get it when people disagree with me on certain things. Human nature I guess, I sometimes forget that what is true for me might not be true for others. And so, I resolve to let differences lie and enjoy the fact that we DO have different opinions and we don't have to agree about everything to be friends.

However having said that, I do enjoy a good discussion. So as usual, feel free to disagree with me. Or agree with me even. On whatever thing.

--------------------------------------------

In other news, I read a heartening news item in the Sarawak Tribune about road safety. For the third time in I think 6 months, the cops are mulling a so-called speed range for certain roads instead of just a mere speed limit. Why ? Two words.

Slow poke road hogs. Ok that was four words. Slow drivers can cause accidents and are more dangerous than most people think. Also, it's just rude to hold everyone else up just because you want to drive at 40km/h on a two lane suburban road during rush hour where it's impossible to overtake.

How many times have we gone at 90km/h, switch lanes from the middle to the right, only to find a Kancil there going at 40km/h (Cue sudden braking and unwanted adrenalin rush). Why do people do that ? The Fast Lane is called The Fast Lane because that's where people drive fast. Doh ! Hence the name. Don't these people feel anything when there's someone right behind them flashing their highlights ?

People, friends, strangers, driving slowly DOES NOT guarantee your safety. Despite what what daddy says.

From my own experience, I've had more trouble involving slow vehicles than quick ones. Like bikes. I much prefer quick bike riders (as opposed to annoying bike riders. That's a whole different vibe.) I don't have to worry about bashing into one as I try to pass because quick riders are usually quicker than me. And it's actually safer for them to go quickly because of their lack of size. How many times have anyone driven along Matang Road and have a kapchai drift into the MIDDLE of your lane making it impossible to overtake ? Or worse, when there's TWO of them in the middle of the lane and having a roaring chat. (I hate this. Call it a peeve)

So viewers, if you don't want to drive fast at least stay on the left. If you want to stay in the middle or the fast lane then please put some more pedal down. Despite its rep, a Kancil is actually a very quick, agile car if driven properly. You'd be surprised (don't ask how I know).

I actually have some more driving stories and facts. For instances, notice how more regular, normal people kil/maiml themselves in accidents and NOT the racer dudes (as opposed to Ah Beng racer wannabes, different vibe again). Why is that ?

And the most useful safety tip I've ever received was not from a cop/gov official/parent/driving instructor. I got it from an illegal drag racer.

You see "bad" people are sometimes less bad than "good" people. But these stories are for another day.

Plans

While many other people I know are settling down to a week of celebration and of being away from work, I'm settling down to five more nights of it.

I'm going to have a 14 hour day today. Suddenly, Sunday seems so far away. It feels like it's out of reach right now. And to make today much more tiring, I had to send my brother to the airport before I came to work. I didn't have any time to rest at all.

And I think Streamyx is down again at home. I couldn't get online while I was at home. I have a bad feeling it'll be down for a while. Drat.....

And yet, I'm not that surprised.

My cousin got married today. The service was this morning. I'm not sad about it. It's cool. I only wished they'd done it during another time instead of Chinese New Year, seeing as the rest of my department is Chinese which means that I'm replacement guy during CNY. Which is usually okay since I score major overtime.

But it would've been nice if was there. It would mean a lot to a lot of people. I'll even try to be sociable.

Yes, I'm kinda upset that I have to be here at work.

In fact, I just deleted four paragraphs of this post. Something I wrote about unfairness and stuff like that. I felt it was a little too angst ridden to be published.

I'm not that bitter. Sometimes I am, but usually I'm alright. Provided that I don't get reminded that I suck at relationships with women and that I'm about 8 years behind schedule careerwise. Usually I'm ok (I hope)

Which reminds me of yet another drainside conversation I had with a bunch of buddies. One of them was worried that he can't achieve his so-called target when he reaches 30. There's a whole bunch of things that he wants to have and a certain living condition that he must be in for it to be a success.

How many of us have this kind of "before 30" plan ? I know I did. Guess what ? The so-called "plan" is officially shelved.

I'm pass 30 but none of the so-called "conditions" of the plan were fulfilled. I'm not settled down with a house in the suburbs with a car, a government servant wife and 1.7 children. I'm not even close to being "stable". I don't have 6 figures tucked away in the bank. I don't have much in the way of assets, liquid or otherwise.

So when measured up using the usual local stereotype of a thirty something, yes I screwed up majorly. It was frightening to be 25 and see all those plans not working out. I understood how my friend felt.

A PC response is probably much wailing and the wearing of rags. And one of the things that I don't like about our society is how people are supposed to make a big show of remorse, especially when you fail at something. Let me ask, for whose benefit is this show ? My parents often ask me when things go wrong in my life,"Don't you care. You look like you don't even care." as if they're expecting me cry, have anxiety attacks and not eat or go out for weeks (or something like that). But when things get messed as they do, what can I possibly do about something that I can't control ? I'm digressing and this topic is for another post.

And yet at 30, I felt a lot lighter than when I was 25. Despite not having the plan succeed, I felt a lot better as if a burden had been lifted.

Since my old plans didn't work out am I going to have a new plan ? A new thing to shoot for ? Not yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to bother. Is that bad ? Is having a life roadmap absolutely essential ?

One thing about plans that I've learnt over the years is to not make them. At least not very detailed ones with timeline and everything, like I used to do when I was in school. I think rough ideas are ok but plans tend to get FUBARed before you could start (at least the ones I make anyway). Yes, the Fates love to toy with lives, especially mine (at least it feels like that).

And what of the future ? Don't know yet. One big mistake (and how many of those have I made) I made when I was fresh out of school was to live life in the future, hence the endless worrying and the excessive wondering about "what-if".

So at the moment I'm letting the future stay in the future and the present stay present. No plans whatsoever for me. There are a few things that need fixing, but I like to think that my life is not so bad right now.

Update:-

It's pass midnight so Happy New Year to all of us. My God, at midnight just now Tabuan Jaya sounded like downtown Fallujah (without the tracers and people getting shot obviously).

Isn't it funny how firecrackers are illegal and yet so many people have them ?

Currently Listening to Decision Goldfinger Open Your Eyes

Another Venting Post

I DIDN'T forget to bring my camera to the office today. I merely forgot to charge the batteries.....

Another cousin is getting married in a few days. Congratulations to her. It's great. I got invited but I can't make it because of work. I would've liked to attend.

Maybe it's a good thing, me not being able to attend. I know my cousin wouldn't appreciate having an energy sucking black hole of depression sitting in the dining hall. As much as I'd like to, I can't guarantee that I won't be that black hole.

Am I being a selfish bastard for failing to feel happy for the bride & groom ? No. I am happy for them. Marriage is a good thing. At least for these two people, at least one problem is solved. May they be blessed and live happily. Good for them.

I wish one day I'd be able to attend a wedding or an engagement or for that matter, any kind of gathering that celebrates the union of two people without feeling sorry for myself, without being haunted by questions that I can't answer and without feeling like I've failed in some big way.

I wish one day I could be there and be a great guest instead of needing therapy the next day. I wish being alone didn't bother me as much as it does. God knows how stupid I feel and God knows how embarassing this is to me.

I'm so screwed up inside.

What can I say about all that ?

I'm trying to be better about it. I'm trying to figure out stuff. I'm trying to let go off a need that won't be fulfilled anytime soon. So far so good, at least I've managed to keep all this internal. No one outside this blog knows that I feel the way I do sometimes.

I hate how feeling lonely screws you up so badly that you can't fix it yourself, short of having a section of your brain removed. It's like trying to borrow money from a finance institution. You can only borrow money only if you can prove that you don't need it.

In the same way, the cure to loneliness seems to be apparent only those who aren't alone.

Ok that's enough.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sounding like a crazy person. I'm sorry. And seriously though, I hope that the wedding reception will be great and a lot of people will attend and that they will enjoy. More than that I hope they will be happy, all of them.

To help get people's minds off this, I bring more news about Kota Gelanggi.

Update:-

Oh bloody hell, I've just realised that some actual, real friends of mine will be reading this. I'm probably going to get a whole bunch of weird looks on Monday evening......

I suddenly feel awkward.

But the no edit policy stays, weird looks be damned. People have rights to their opinions and if some of my friends think this is weird/pathetic/dumb/lame, then so be it.

In the News

I got off work early this morning and took a glorious photo of the sky. It was after sunrise and there were clouds blocking the sun. I could see streaks of light coming from the edges of the cloud formation. I'd post that pic here.

Except I forgot to bring my camera.

I'm pretty absent minded right now. Last night at work, I was supposed to delay something for a few hours. I remember that I was supposed to do that during the Friday night shift. Which is fine, except that until I received a call from our US office asking me about it, I thought yesterday was Thursday. Oooopss! Cue one sheepish apologetic e-mail sent to lots of people.

So before I forget, I would like to share some stuff I read in the paper recently.

I like to read the paper. I like opinion/editorial columns and letters from the public most of all. I also like reading foreign newspapers. Not the physical paper since I don't think the New York Times, the LA Times and the Santa Rosa Press Democrat deliver to Kuching.

Anyway, it's good to know what's going on in other faraway places. The one thing I learn from all of that is that people are fundamentally the same everywhere. Really they are.

Ok, there's this exciting news about the discovery of Kota Gelanggi. According to some, it predates the Malacca Sultanate. According to others, it might as old as a thousand years old, predating even the Lembah Bujang site in Kedah. Discovering something new is exciting. But rediscovering something old is maybe even more exciting. To me for sure, probably due to a childhood fascination with archeology.

Which reminds me, I don't really know all that much about local history now that I think about it.

But isn't this exciting ? Even in this day and age, there are things out there in the jungle that still need to be found. All those ruins and artefacts and relics, imagine the stories they could tell.

I for one, will be following the ongoing tale of Kota Gelanggi very closely. I'm betting they'll find heavy Hindu/Buddhist influences.

In other news, the blog pirate saga is over. The offending blog has been shut down. The blog pirate in question had some real major issues, probably attention related. Very obvious if you read her "interests" in the sidebar.

Impersonating people ? Does she not know the potential for trouble this interest of hers might have ? What if she messed up someone else's life badly enough to incur a potentially violent reaction ? Who's fault would it be if she got hurt ?

Why was she like that ? It was almost as if she enjoyed getting negative attention. Even worse, she appeared to like knowing that what she was doing was getting on people's nerve.

Suddenly, I'm curious about what she's going to do now.

Sickened

I got sick yesterday, right after I posted my last entry. I'm better now, but I still feel kinda shitty. Plus, I'm at work so double crap.

It's the most irritating thing. I'm sick enough to FEEL it (sore throat, runny nose, hi temperature) but NOT sick enough to skip work. I hate that stuck-in-middle kind of illness that may cause some less competent doctors to suspect that you're making it up just to score an MC.

But here I am anyway. This week will be very, extremely long. Three nights, then 24 hours off then five more nights. That's EIGHT nights of work with one (effectively half) day off in the middle. However, the extra nights equal 72 hours of regular overtime and 24 hours of public holiday overtime.

I'm going to be loaded by the middle of next month. I hope this'll be worth it.

Right now, Photojerk is not working properly so I can't post any pictures. Dammit.

It's not all bad though.

I'm currently enjoying a real gem of a musical find. Goldfinger !!

I downloaded several albums worth of stuff yesterday. They are Brilliant. I love how they mix punk with ska. On certain songs they sound like old skool Greenday. In other songs they sound like early No Doubt with a male vocalist and more edge.

Apart from me getting ill and me pirating music off the internet, not much else is going on.

That could all change soon. Last night I was hanging out with friends, despite feeling not really up to it.

We were talking about life and what we were doing with ours and inevitably the topic turned to women. As usual, this usual gets very complicated.

See, one of my friend is feeling rather jaded right now about basically everything. I think he feels he's plateauing, like there's nothing new and the things that he's doing now won't matter in th long run. I know how he feels. Been down that road before. And of course, he's feeling kinda jaded about women.

Then another friend said,"When you go out with women, you are not necessary looking for your soulmate. She doesn't have to be perfect for you to enjoy each others' company. All it takes is for both of you to want that."

Simple, yet elegantly true.

It is a joy to be out with somebody without asking the why's and wheretofores of her being there. Not everything has to be so serious. I guess when you do ask these things you are looking for a soulmate, whether you want to admit it or not.

Of course if it doesn't work out it will suck. But it's good to go back to basics and just have fun with no strings attached.

How often do I forget that ?

Which reminds me of another thing I like to say. The more desperately you want something, the less likely you are to get it.

And that's how the cookie crumbles.....

Currently Listening to My Head Goldfinger Hang Ups

Doppelgangland

A friend of mine had her blog entry stolen ! Bloody hell !! Let us consider the evidence.

On the 27th of December, 2004 my friend post this entry. A mere two days later, that entry appeared here. You have to scroll down a little, it's a two part post. Notice how there is no acknowledgment whatsoever.

Now, I would be flattered to find a blog entry I wrote to be considered good enough to grace someone else's blog PROVIDED that the proper acknowledgments are made first.

Kids, stealing is not cool. If you absolutely MUST rip an entry from someone else's blog, please inform the author. Most people would be pleased to have their entry posted somewhere else. But we all know that. Well, at least most people do.

But really, why would anyone steal a blog entry ? Is it SO hard to write your own ? Okay, fair enough I used to think that it was hard at first too. But it's really not.

Ok let's say you have absolutely NO idea what to write. You could either not write...Or you could do this:-

Dear diary/LiveJournal/Blogger/Blogdrive/etc blog,

I didn't do anything today. Except watch Buffy. Again. That Glorificus, what a skank. If I were Buffy I'd tear her clothes off, point and laugh at her lopsided ass. Sure she's a Hellgod and she could squash Buffy like a bug. Sure she's indestructible. But I bet her clothes aren't...

And what's up with Dawn ? Why does she whine and whine and whine and whine ? I don't remember myself or anyone else for that matter, being that whiny at 14.

No wait, I do know some people who were like that.

Whining is bad. See, Dawn whined so much Buffy couldn't take it anymore. She jumped off a tower, came back from the dead three months later, got really depressed and pouted for the entire season 6 and had raunchy sex with a vampire she hated on national television (children, necrophilia is BAD. Really.)

See, that's what happens when people whine too much.

Then again, it's probably Buffy's own fault. If I were her, I'd push Dawn of the tower instead. There, no more whining.

But, that's just me.

See ? Not hard at all. Why would anyone steal a blog entry ?

But people are strange. There's your blog entry pirates, then there's your class-conscious blogging elitists who would thumb their noses up at people who don't write "serious" blogs that focus on current issues and politics. Some go as far as to say that a blog is not a blog unless it follows a certain layout "formula", is posted solely for the purpose of being an attention whore soliciting hits and is inundated with links about news, news and yet more news.

But more on this later. It pisses me off to think about that now and I have a headache which is making me all bad moody.

Lunch at Bishopgate

I had lunch at a coffeeshop at Bishopgate today with Diana and Jane. I haven't met Diana in years. Jane and I've never met. She's nice.



Diana's very sweet. Unfortunately she wouldn't let me take any pictures of her. But if I did you'd agree that she's the cutest thing anyone ever saw. She'd never admit it, but she is cute. Extremely even. She's changed. A little more sophisticated, a little more wordly now. She's leaving for Labuan in a less than two weeks and her work will take her around the world, hopefully. She's going to lead quite a life.

Her boyfriend is very lucky. Very very lucky. I'm sure he knows that.

I'm lucky too. I know many women who are adventurous, interesting and nothing like your demure, quiet Asian woman stereotype. It's a blessing I always forget to count. Unfortunately, many of them aren't here.

I met her years ago. I was working in Unimas and she was a student. She was just a kid then. I saw her around a lot but we never really hung out all that much. She was closer with my other friends, them being closer to her age.

Plus one time it got really awkward. You see, one of our friends thought that we'd make a good couple. So he tried to match us by using a typical Kuching method; he spread a rumor about us. She heard and called me about it. That was quite a shock I tell you.

Funny how attempts to put people together like that almost always result in people drifting away. After all that, I moved away from Unimas and never saw her again. Until last month.

Anyway, after lunch we had coffee.



It was great. Coffee, good conversation, pleasant afternoon. I should have more days like this. Seattle is the best place I know to have a conversation. The place is comfortable, quiet with just the right amount of light and NONE of that loud background music that seems to plague many of Kuching's hang-out places. What's up with that ?

Jane is pretty swell too. She's bright and can carry a conversation. I hope I will see her again. And in the excitement of the afternoon, I forgot to ask for her number. Doh !

That's the thing. I bet many women in Kuching are like that. I know in my gut, there are a good number of women in town I could talk to and who will actually like my company. How do I meet them ? You can't tell by just looking at them, that's for sure.

We talked for two hours. Two hours that sped by a little too quickly for my liking. We talked about jobs, men, women, food, haircuts, cameras, old friends, the crazy things that people do, music.

We said our goodbyes and here I am at home blogging about it.

Diana is leaving soon. I won't see her again for awhile. I will send mail and this blog's URL. I might get her to start her own. She will have many stories to tell once she begins travelling.

I hope we won't lose touch.



Currently Listening to Think Drowning Pool