Isolated

I was supposed to have a good day on Monday. Whilst others toil in their respective salt mines, I was supposed to be lounging away at home playing games & being online. I had a whole range of (in)activities planned out. I was supposed to download Yahoo Messenger and test it. I had planned to download demos & patches for games. I was going to try and find more songs by Alter Bridge, Sprung Monkey & Slipknot. I didn't do any of these things.

My DSL is down. And now I'm once again relegated to using public terminals in a noisy cybercafe. *Sigh* I miss my Yahoo Radio....

Knowing our beloved Telekom, I knew my connection would fail sooner or later. I didn't expect it to happen so soon though. I've already made a report and the guy at the helpdesk said three working days. Let's see whether they mean what they say.

And now, I'm trying to remember what life was like before they invented the Internet. You know back in the late 80s & early 90s when we had to make our own fun instead of downloading it.

Thankfully, I got rescued from my potentially boring situation by a phonecall.

Yesterday, I hung out with Joyce, Tarlia & Sativa. And yesterday I also went to Carpenter Street to partake in the Mooncake Festival. This is the first time I've gone to a city function since 1998 (I think). es, I'm antisocial that way.

It was great. It's even greater being the only guy with three other women as company heheh. We went to check out the stalls. Funny, despite the fact that the occasion was the Mooncake Festival I only saw something like just three stalls selling Mooncakes. The rest sold assorted other foods. They looked really good. Unfortunately, before we went I already ate.

We also went to the art show at the old courthouse. I've forgotten how much I like art shows, despite not being very artistic myself. It's just so amazing what creative people can do.

Of course the highlight for me of yesterday's outing was the conversation.

See, I like to talk. And talk I like. I'm a right chatterbox like that. Even while I'm sober. But initially, I'm rather quiet. But once I warm up, I can talk your ears off. So if anyone is thinking about hanging with me, you have been warned.

And don't get me started on what I'm like after a few drinks...

Anyway, a lot of the conversation was relationship based. It's the most enlightening thing to talk to women about this if you're willing to be straight with them without any of that macho, I-don't-talk-about-my-feelings-cause-that's-for-faggots-and-wusses crap. A woman's perspective is very educational. So guys, if you're having emotional problems and relationships hang-ups or just plain curious, talk to a girl friend.

I had fun. I hope to see them all soon. Except Joyce since she's moving to KL tomorrow. Good luck ! Don't forget to come back. And update your LJ. Often.

In other news, I watched Mean Girls again today. I like this movie. After watching some of the special features, I like this movie even more. I know saying that this movie is not your regular teen chick flick it's really cliched, but really it isn't.

Apparently, it's based on the book Queen Bees & Wannabes written by Rosalind Wiseman. I'm too rushed to write a proper review, but I love this movie because of the clever dialogue. The story was well paced and didn't feel draggy or rushed. And the acting's not bad either.

And so, my Internetless day comes to an end. I hope my connection gets fixed soon.

Lazy Sunday Post

Contrary to popular belief, bloggers do have lives and are not sad, strange antisocial geeks who sit in front of their PCs and train hellhounds to sic em on people on prom night, only to have Buffy crash them at home and call them "incompetent maladjusts".

How do I know this ? Well, there have not been any reports of attacks on school functions and assaults involving a small, blond teenage girl. And the second reason is that most blogs hardly get updated over the weekend.

That's good thing. Unfortunately, I won't be able to partake in blog-update-skipping because I'm working. Working on weekends suck.

Having said that, I've decided to volunteer for extra work this week and three more extra days at the end of October. I need the money and it's the best way to keep busy. Burying yourself in work is a time honoured method of angst-burying. It works too.

Have given up on Kazaa. Does anyone know of other p2p client capable of downloading wma files ? I'm testing WinMx but it apparently doesn't look for wma files.

In other news, my cousin cum insurance agent is trying to fix me up. After all that's happened, is this a good idea ? The woman in question is 29, single, small & ex-Marian. My cousin has reassured me that she isn't an axe-murderer. I've never been fixed up before. I'm frightened. Because I tend to be morbidly fascinated by new things that are frightening, I'm going to say yes.

And yet more news, my "famous" brother crashed his car last night. He's ok. The car isn't.

Hmm hungry. Need food. I'll go now. But read this really cute post from The Gongkapas Times. And this insanely hilarious one by Kristie.

Enjoy.

Currently Listening to : Broken by Seether ft. Amy Lee

All about Me

Been testing Mozilla Firefox the last two days. It has some drawbacks, the main one being that it doesn't support Yahoo Launch radio. But I can live with that. I'm impressed with it. It's my default browser now. No more browser hijacks.

I was blog-hopping yesterday and early this morning at work when I noticed a greater than usual number of positive, happy posts. Lots of things ranging from self-discovery to job-related stuff to light, whimsical musing. It's great.

And thus I feel quite good today. I hope that this will last throughout the weekend at work.

I noticed this yesterday. Since imitation is the best form of flattery, I've decided to do something similar. When I started this blog, it was supposed to be anonymous. But somehow, I couldn't help revealing who I was. Besides, it's more fun this way. If I accidentally write something brilliant here, people could say Mac wrote it. And that kind of attention I could never say no to haha !

And so, here is some stuff about myself that you may or may not know.

1. I am the eldest of three. There were supposed to be four of us but the last one was stillborn.
2. I am officially an Iban. But genetically, I am half Chinese (hence my chinese looks). My mom is chinese who was adopted by an Iban family so officially she is Iban too. But she's actually chinese.
3. Our family tree is very confusing because both my parents were adopted. Therefore I had FOUR sets of grandparents instead of the regular two.
4. I am Cancerian. Which is supposed to mean that I'm domestic and sensitive. I am also an Ox. Which is supposed to mean that I'm stubborn as hell.
5. My three main obsessions are Computers, Music & Reading. Unfortunately due to time constraints and high cost, I don't read as much as I used to.
6. I am vertically challenged. This DOES NOT help when you're trying to impress women.
7. I wear glasses. This can be a hindrance too. Which reminds me, I need to get a new pair. My current ones are beginning to rust.
8. I play guitar. I started when I was 16. Unfortunately, I'm not as good as I used to be because of lack of practice. I also play drums. Or at least I used to. It's hard because I don't have any place to put a drum kit if I ever buy one. Plus, I don't think the neighbours would appreciate it.
   
9. My brother is famous ! Well, kinda. He's a DJ at CATS FM. And he's in a band. And he's an actor. Unlike me, he has no trouble whatsoever attracting women. In fact, he's got more trouble fending them off.
10. I work for a multinational company as IT Tech Support. I work shifts, hence my irregular schedule.
    
11. I started blogging in January. I could think up many, many reasons why I did it, but honestly I don't really know why. I'm glad I did though.
    
12. I've worked in various places, including a supermarket, a fly-by-night commodities operation, a cybercafe and a university.
13. I haven't been around much. The only foreign place I've been to is Singapore.
14. I hate Man United. But I support them when they play in Europe.
15. I've had a string of flings and affairs with other people's girlfriends (and one time, someone's fiance) but I've only ever had ONE official girlfriend. I've NEVER been able to attract a single woman. Yes, I suck at courtship.
16. When I was in school and college, I had more girl friends than guy friends.
17. I am not gay.
18. I smoke and drink regular. However, I am not an alcoholic. My favourite beverage is anything with vodka in it.
19. I was hit by a car when I was eleven.
20. I occasionally smoke pot. I don't do it much anymore but if offered, I wouldn't say no.
21. That said, I would NEVER spend good money buying drugs. I always bum off other people.
22. Buffy Anne Summers is my hero. I also like Willow. A lot. And Faith is too hot. And Oz is cool. And Giles.
23. I am not an atheist. I am an Anglican Christian. That said, I do have one or two problems with organized religion.
24. Politically speaking I am a left-centrist. That means I'm liberal but I do agree on some control measures.
25. I speak three languages with more or less equal proficiency. Iban, English & Malay. More if you count dialects.
26. I think the AK-47 is the greatest assault rifle in the history of mankind. I also think the H&K G36 system comes in a very close second.
27. I like guns & military hardware but I DO NOT condone violence.
28. I like History despite the fact that I'm lousy with dates. And names.
29. The absolute best fantasy novels I've ever read were the Dragonlance ones.
30. Baldur's Gate Shadows of Amn is the best ever computer RPG I've ever played. It would make an excellent mini-series.
31. I'm running out of ideas now. I'm amazed at how some people can do a "one hundred things" list.

And so there you have it, 31 things me !

Numb

Once again I'm annoyed.

Blogger is being painfully slow again today. Sometimes, certain pages wouldn't even load. Grrr. Is anyone else having this trouble ?

Finally sent my car for a long overdue tune up today. Finally fixed the mysterious sudden-power-loss-and-engine-shutting-itself-off-while-I'm-driving problem. Apparently there was something short in the distributor cap wiring. I certainly hope that fixed the problem. There's not many things more unsettling than driving an unreliable car at night.

I'm contemplating going out right now. Not sure where yet. Maybe I'll go for one of those random drives. Or maybe go to a (different) bar. Could use a Guinness right now. Some of my other buds are out watching a football game tonight. I'm suddenly regretting now going with them.

I'm bored. And yeah, the euphoria is starting to wear off. It sucks the way euphoria and other good feelings disappear in a flash while misery and depression linger & linger & linger.... Not that I'm depressed. Ok kinda. Just a little.

A coupla posts ago, Kristie asked me if numb was what I really wanted to feel.

Yes it is. At least for a while. I'll get bored of it pretty soon anyways. To quote something from Buffy,"I’m taking a holiday from dealing, happily vacationing in the land of not coping."

I don't want to deal. I want to be numb. I want to take the short way out.

While one should always, always face up to one's problem and deal, there will be times when it just gets too much, you know ?

I don't care if I sound lame. I'm no superhero.

Ok that's enough ranting.

One last thing...

How do I get my participation level on Kazaa up. I'm sharing files but no one's downloading. Is there any other way ?

Currently Listening to : What's Wrong Here ? by Virgil

Addendum :

Connection problem fixed. Caused by spyware. Spyware removed. What a relief....

Just Hanging

I actually stayed home today. The entire day. Well, almost the entire day. Went out just now for dinner, but the rest of the day was spent in front of the PC as I listened to my Yahoo radio (which now is properly configured and has provided me with kick ass metal, rock & alternative stuff for the last three hours) and downloaded more music.

Amongst others, I've downloaded or am downloading these fantastic songs.

Taking back Sunday - Cute without the E
Taking back Sunday - There's no I in Team
Ingram Hill - Almost Perfect
Yellow Card - Ocean Avenue
12 Stones - The Way I Feel
Trapt - Trapt
Yellow Card - Back Home
Seether - fuck it
Devendra Barnhart - Fall
Drowning Pool - Bodies
Seether ft. Amy Lee - Broken
A Perfect Circle - Blue

Next up is more stuff like that by Nerf Herder and Story of the Year.

Music makes me live. Music gets me through rough times. If this was any other internetless day, I'd be posting more emotional drivel now. Thank God for music.

Also today, I did something that was hard to do. Someone called me today. She asked me to come see her. Said she had a bottle of vodka with my name on it. I thought about going. I really did want to go. So I made up my mind, swallowed hard....

...and said no thank you.

I meant it when I said I needed to stay away. It's hard but for my sake I need to do this. No more denial.I'll see her again soon enough, but only if things quiet down on my end. I hope it doesn't take very long.

With music to listen to I think I can handle it. So yay me ! Thank God for music.

And before I forget, the regular angst themed posts will be back as soon as I get over the euphoria of being online at home. So, stay tuned haha...

And what do you recommend I download next ?

Currently Listening to : Perfect Girl Eleven by Angela McCluskey

Home

Is it just me ? Or is Blogger extremely, extremely slow these days ? It took me forever to get to the Create New Post page.

Can't be my connection. Everything else is fast. Including stuff from Kazaa. I have about 14 million things to download today.

Can you guess where I'm at ? Nope, not some dingy cybercafe full of Indonesian kids playing RO loudly.

I'm AT HOME. Finally after 11 months of waiting, I've joined the rest of the world in the 21st century. I finally have DSL !! Yay !!!

Nice timing too, since I'm in need of some serious cheering up.

I'm feeling ok today. It's not too bad if I don't think too much. I think I'll go look for some pictures to upload.

DSL done. Next ? Digital camera. I'd like to put up pics of the stuff I have in my house. And pictures of my dog. My computer. My CDs. And my car. And maybe even me.

Funnily again, I have no idea what to post about now that I can do it from the house. I usually have quite a bit to say when I'm at work or in a cybercafe.

Or maybe I'm just sleepy.... Expect another post in a few hours.

Addendum:-

I'm listening to my Yahoo Launch radio now. This having your own internet connection is a pretty good situation isn't it ?

Excuse me while I go and squeal like a 12 year old girl....

A Post of Two Halves

Yesterday was very mixed day.

First the good. I went for the Bloggers Meet. Unfortunately a few people coudn't make it but it was another great session as usual.

I got to Hot Seat at about 1.30pm. Tarlia, Azreen & Bernard were already there. Wena came a bit later.And later on, Joyce & Cayce joined us after we moved to Bing !. Unfortunately Cayce had to leave early. Too bad really. I owe her a conversation...

Like I was saying, this was yet another great session. Many pictures were taken, particular of a certain stuffed animal in compromising positions. And of course pictures of food. Unfortunately, no one remembered to take pictures of people. But never mind that.

What's the best thing about meeting other bloggers ? The conversation, which can get really bizarre sometimes. Yesterday, among other things we talked about games, TV shows, blogs and other bloggers, potential topics for posting (How to Get Cheap Cigarettes, How to Illegally Modify your Ride & How to Distill Langkau (local moonshine) are the ones I can recall at the mo), drinking stories and other stuff which I can't quite remember right now.

And also, the herbs used to prepare our local dish kacangma is part of the marijuana family ! So what happens when you smoke it ? Read this to find out how kacangma is prepared. And it's connection to weeeed..

I hope to do this again soon. I had such a great time.

And now the bad.

Remember what I wrote in this post ? About denial ? Last night, I found out to my dismay that I WAS in denial.

Shit.

I don't want to get into details but the short of it is as follows. Went out to see someone and friends. While out, someone bumped into someone else. Someone fancies someone else, despite not wanting to admit it. I saw someone & someone else get really really chummy.

It hurt. I held myself in check and did not say much but bloody hell it hurt to see the things I saw.

And to think I actually thought me & her could be friends ! Hah !! I saw it clear as day that sentiment is nothing but a steaming pile of horse shit.

We can't be friends. Who am I kidding right ? It wouldn't work. Not while I still have feelings lying just under the surface. I would love to be friends but it just hurts too much to see her just out of reach. It hurts too damn much to see her fall for someone else. It hurts. How do I tell I I need to be away from her ? And more importantly, what do I tell her ? Or maybe it'd be easier to be a coward and disappear.

It pisses me off when I think about it. I hate being passed over. I hate it when I try and get nothing and some other bastard gets what I want just by standing there. I hate the fact that it's so difficult for me to accomplish things that some other guy can do just by showing up. I hate myself for being such a whiny, loser lame ass who can't get laid.

It's not her fault. She can't help the way she feels. I know she doesn't mean to cause me pain and harm.

I want my heart of stone back. The unfeeling, bored one I had back in May. I don't want all these emotions. I don't want pain. I don't want this. To whoever's in charge of handing out assignments like this, take it back.

I don't want it. I don't want it ever. I don't want to play anymore.

Take it back. Please.

NB. I swear THIS is the LAST time I'll mention anything related to F*******. I'm sick & tired of being an emo bastard. I think I'm jinxed. I can't stand it anymore. I'm taking a break from all this relationship crap.

Doodle Doodle Doo

Oooops.

I made a mistake. Apparently THIS is my hundred & fiftieth post, not the one yesterday. Doh !

I don't have a topic. I just want to doodle. Again. This blog could be turning into a virtual doodle pad.

A lot can happen in nine months. A lot can change. But I didn't need to write that down. Everyone with brains and a device to keep time knows that.

But that's just it isn't it. I know that and here I am sifting through nine months worth of posts and being surprised by all of it.

I remember complaining (hah ! That activity seems to be synonymous with my name) that my life was dull and nothing ever happens. I looked through all these posts and no, my life over the last nine months has been rather eventful.

Okay granted my life isn't as 'exciting' as that of say, an actor or a Navy pilot on a carrier or other apparently exciting occupation you could think of. And from some angles, my life hasn't been all that exciting. I haven't traveled the world. I didn't write literature or music. I didn't make millions of dollars.

Personally though, I think this year is vintage when it comes to changes and experience. Because of this blog those things are enshrined here. Lessons and other things not to be forgotten any time soon. And always available for future reference.

This year I took risks. With my feelings, something that I've guarded fiercely over the last few years. I got bloodied emotionally, but I took risks and that is one thing I don't do very often. In doing that, I got to know myself a little more. Helps with the clarity when thinking. I'm glad I did it. It's about time.

Also helps with the practising of skills I don't normally use, especially the social ones. Some parts are still rusty but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

I'm trying to deal with some emotions left over from what's been happening recently. They are largely under control but sometimes, the urges and the feelings come back with a vengeance. Like tonight. Or this morning rather.

I try not to entertain them. I try to think and rationalize. Most of the time it works. Sometimes not very well, but most of the time I deal.

I guess you can see the purpose of this post is to help me deal. Bear with me reader. This state of mind isn't permanent. I hope.

It's tough trying to be an adult about something as juvenile as emotion.

One Fifty

My. How big has this blog grown ? One Hundred & Fifty posts already in nine months. It's yet another milestone.

It's a milestone for me, the person who before this had a tendency to want to do something but either don't get started or could never finish. I'm feeling pretty good.

I'm also feeling good right now because:-

• I got paid today. The mullah is in the account and the balance is nice to look at. All my overdue overtime came out one lump sum. Yes, having cash makes me happy.
• All my unfinished projects at work is finally errr....finished. Completed. Done. So no real work tonight. Actually I do have some work but I want to be lazy and goof off. Plus no stress over datelines and such things. I hate datelines and unfinished work. They make me angsty. Did I mention I'm no good under pressure ?
• The Bloggers meet is on Sunday ! I love these meets. It's nice to have something to look forward to. Bloggers are the coolest. Plus they will be women there. Maybe I'll try to chat some of them up...(Just kidding guys...unless you want me to try and chat you up hehe)
• I've just had a good text message chat with someone. It's nice. The damnest thing is that I had given up on this person. Just my luck, when I want to walk away things actually improve. Did I mention I'm better at things when they don't matter much anymore ? Actually in my previous post, I did.

Now, now don't fret. I'm not going off on another angstapalooza about some teenage girl again. Had enough of that. Lets look at things objectively now shall we ?

As a potential romantic relationship, it's over. I know that. I mustn't get excited. There was nothing there in the first place. Like Gin Blossoms say, "You can't miss what you never had".

However, it's not over as a platonic friendship. The other night I went to see her for awhile. Now, it may seem like I'm asking for trouble and more heartache by going to see her after what I said before. But hear me out. I needed to see if I was ok with the whole thing. I wanted to know if I could sit and talk to her without going nuts and turning into goo.

I could. Hanging with her didn't derail me. I didn't feel much pain at all. Why should I ? There was nothing there in the first place.

I could've gone cold turkey and avoided her totally. But I like the bar that she works at and I still want to hang there. It would've looked mighty suspicious if I suddenly stopped showing up. And me & her aren't on bad terms. We didn't fight. She didn't dump me. I pulled the plug myself. We're becoming the friends that I hoped we could become. Even better now without the ulterior motives and excess emotional baggage. I intend to keep this friendship going and let it roll.

Sounds like denial I know. But what else can I say ? I'm truly ok with it. I guess I have learnt not to be such a drama king. Whether this is denial or not only time will tell. I'm sick off analyzing every little thing I do. I should chill out and take some things at face value. A lot less complicated that way.

In hindsight, things DIDN'T end badly even if it didn't turn out the way I hoped. She's not in love with me and that's ok. Instead we are friends and on good terms. That's a good thing.

I feel good about it.

Random Thoughts

I'm terribly annoyed.

I'm surfing at a cybercafe right now and having absolutely the worst time trying to comment and read other people's blogs. And check mail.

Is it me or does this PC hate me for some reason ? Blogs take FOREVER to load and my mail times out over & over again. Funnily enough, porn sites load in a flash. Or maybe this PC is in it's teen phase of life and likes porn.

I still don't have much to write about. That's the problem when I'm not angsty, upset, depressed, broken hearted or confused. My brain freezes up and I can't write/talk. I should learn to write about happy stuff for a change.

And so I've once again been reduced to writing about unrelated trivial things and random thoughts.

Random thought 1 :
I seem to do things better when I don't care what happens in the end. It's inexplicable, because logic dictates that if one cares about a task then one would be more thorough thus ensuring a good result.

Me ? I do my best work when I just wing it. Whatever it is, whether work or interactions with people or whatever. The only reason that makes any sense is that in my case, if I care too much I get nervous. If I'm nervous I screw up. Now, what I want to figure out is how to be concerned about an outcome and not be nervous.

I'm too complex for my own good. Also, I think too much.

Random Though 2 :
Or rather Random Observation 1. People can't/don't/won't read signs.

This is also inexplicable. How many times have you seen it ? An otherwise sensible, intelligent person would walk up to a door and tug and pull and struggle, all the while failing to notice the 4 by 6 sign that says "Closed".

I saw this happen a lot of times in UNIMAS while we still had our cybercafe up there. One time we were cleaning up the place, we locked the front door and put up our sizable "Closed" sign. We counted 2 dozen people tugging at the door in the next 90 minutes. Some even stood there for minutes, scratching their heads seemingly unable to comprehend that the "Closed" sign may be related to the fact that the door wouldn't open.

Are these people deficient ? If they are then I am too. I too am guilty of trying to push a door open while the sign on the handle says PULL.

It's inexplicable.

Ummmm, ok I only have those two thoughts at the moment.

I'm going to go to the cemetery this evening, This month marks an anniversary of death for someone I knew. Oooh...

Random Thought 3:-

Cemeteries don't freak me out. There's something morbidly fascinating about cemeteries. Especially those ancient ones with graves from the late 19th Century. Like the one near the House of Epiphany behind St. Thomas's Cathedral.

I used to go there a lot while I was still at school, for no other reason other than to read the names & the epitaphs (spelling ?). I find cemeteries to be oddly peaceful. Try it. Go there an hour before sundown.

I wonder if this graveyard fascination's got something to do with me being prone to melancholy.

And thus ends today's oddly refreshing nonsensical babbling

Being Human

With my relationship related angst brought under control, I don't have much to write about.

Other than said relationship related angst.

I guess I'm back to my cynical, jaded old self. No wait scratch that. I'm not really the same as before July.

I made a few discoveries about me that are quite positive.

I thought I'd be too jaded to try and get in a relationship. Guess not. I took a risk and I'm glad I did, even if the outsome wasn't positive.

I thought I'd be too "wise" to react to emotional upheaval. Guess not. I fell for it and fell like a sack of potatoes.

It's good to know that I'm still human after all. I supposed being irrational and dumb is all part of that. Think about it. I could have my wish and be totally in control of myself and my situation all the time, but how dull would that be ? Everything would be so predictable.

As much as I say I don't like surprises, I do want to be surprised. I guess being indecisive is part of being human too.

You get to a certain age and you think you know everything. But I get to my age now and I know that's not true. I'm probably going to find out more stuff about myself and people in general that I don't know now. Even if I think I know.

And about relationships in general ? I'm not going to get all dramatic and declare in front of everyone that I'm taking a break again. I did this once in 2000 and as it turned out that was the one and only New Year's Resolution that I saw through completely.

Instead I'm going to get all dramatic and declare in front of everyone that I'm NOT taking a break. Pain and disappointment is part of anyone's experience when interacting with other people. I don't need to guess this one. Bring on the pain I say.

Whatever, I'm not going to run away from a potential relationship just because it's a potential disappointment.

I just hope I don't forget to get a grip and not mess myself too much in the process.

Hmm this post is not making much sense at all isn't it ?

Or perhaps that's the whole point.

Whatever.

Other Stuff I Do

"These are the lies the things you never mention,
These are my past mistakes I'll stay away from,
This is the truth, The only time you'll hear it,
I write it down because it seems so hard to say it,

These are my thoughts written down on paper,
It's my only saviour,
From not saying what I want to say,
There are my thoughts that are on my mind,
Moments that haven't yet been defined,
And I don't know if you could ever understand,

These are the things I can't say when we're alone"

- Truth of My Youth by New Found Glory, Catalyst

Can people help but judge someone by the blog ? Of course not. No one can be completely non-judgemental, can they ?

I try not to judge a person by their blog. For the most part, I don't. But I do imagine what a blogger is like. What they look and sound like. What their thoughts are. How can you help not to ? For many, blogs are the only thing you have to form any kind of opinion of a person. Especially those bloggers who you don't have any chance to meet, like people from other countries.

Some of these imagined images are flattering. Others are not so.

I do sometimes think,"What kind of impression am I giving through my blog ?". Even though to think that is to kinda defeat the whole purpose of blogging in the first place. My best bet is to remember that this blog is mine, therefore anyone's opinion of me formed from what is written here becomes their concern. Not mine.
Yet how many times have we censored ourselves online ? I believe that is actually a good thing. It teaches discretion. Although when you think about it, is there such a thing as a bad blogging practise ?

I sound awfully sad on this blog, especially these last two months. That's ok. I was. By all means, judge me as you please.

But I don't write everything I am here. I would like to eventually. Happy posts as well as sad ones. Eventually I would like to see this blog encompass every aspect of my person. For now the stuff on this blog is usually more often than not, stuff that I can't bring myself to say in real life.

I sometimes wish I could confide in friends. But I tend to overdo that and end up annoying them. So, I write all that stuff over here so I can annoy total strangers instead =D.

Therefore I would like to say that I'm not mopy or sad all the time. I do other stuff besides worrying about women and my lack of. I read. I listen and play music. I watch movies (though I haven't been doing that of late due to the fact that I'm broke). I surf the net. I hang out with friends. I do a whole bunch of stuff with my time.

The things that happened in the last few months are just some of the things I went through. Other bits of my life are just fine thank you very much. I've had some good times over the last two months too.

Rigth now, I'm just a little disappointed. Let me vent a bit.

I'm not upset over Flo. Well, not specifically. Getting over her is proving to be a little bit easier than I expected. I'm just a little upset over the fact that things didn't work out again. It's the same story, with different players. I haven't broken out of my rut. I still repeated mistakes and I still ended up with nothing but bruises. All this time and still the same thing.

I'm kicking myself in the ass right now. It's annoying when you do the same thing over & over again and never ever get it right.

It's frustrating. I know that I can't do anything but wait but it doesn't stop it from being frustrating. If there is a next time, I want for once not to completely lose my ability to think straight. For once, I'd like to be in control of emotions. For once, I want to use my brain the next time I meet anyone instead of heart.

I've learnt a little more over the last month or so. I hope those lessons didn't come too late.

No regrets though. It wasn't bad. She doesn't know so no drama there. It was good while it was good.

And now, I move on. There's other stuff I'd rather be doing.

And in unrelated news, *Shelley Leong has a blog !!! Yay !!! I checked out some previews at musiccanteen and I'm liking what I'm hearing.

I'm buying her CD as soon as I find it. And as soon as I get paid. There's not nearly enough female singer/songwriters in this country. Especially this genre. This girl deserves some support.

*Up & coming local singer/songwriter.

A Numbers Game

*This is post was supposed to go up yesterday, but apparently there was a problem with the server (again).

Once again I post in response to comments. This is because:-

1. Halocan is being annoyingly unreliable today thus preventing me from commenting on there and...
2. ... I think the point I want to make today would make a good post.

But before the actual post itself, some non-related preamble.

I had an excellent time last night. I went to hang out with a bunch of old friends. Really old ones, some of whom I have known since school days. Reunions can be fun. We drank extemely cheap liquor that tasted slightly worse than lighter fluid (just like the old days guys !!) and talked about things like individual experiences of getting high on illegal chemical substances. Ahh yes, the good old days. It's good to reminisce. When I think about it the fact that we're still alive today is mind boggling, considering the stuff that we used to do.

Remember my friends who got themselves into that high speed crash a few posts ago ? Well, one of them is still in the hospital and the other is back home already. And he brought the wreck back with him. They're going to rebuild the car !! So, if anyone can get me a used Toyota Trueno chassis drop me a line. This time I'm going to insist they install five point harnesses in that thing. And cross-drilled brake rotors. And wear helmets. I could be conscientious and advise them against it. But I know they won't listen. Anyway, I trust them. They know the risks and they know what they're doing (I hope).

I was reading the comments just now and was going to reply to them when Haloscan's servers decided to go down. Anyway, there's two comments in particular that drew my attention.

I have a rule when it comes to relationships. I have followed that rule dilligently. Until very recently. That rule is very simple.

No kids.When I say kid, I mean teenagers and girls in their early twenties. Why is that ? Because kids aren't stable enough, in many ways.

I know some may beg to differ and say that age is just a number. And as usual with blanket statements, this is probably not entirely true. But by and large from my own observations and experience, a 17 year boy/girl has no business whatsoever of being in "serious" relationship.

Due to the age and the many changes that he/she's going through, her feelings can change overnight. He/She's at that stage where she plays all those stereotypical games people play in relationships. And likely he/she doesn't have a clue what commitment, fairness and compromises are. Don't believe ? Think I'm biased ? Think I'm being unfair ?

Try it yourself. Go and get a teenage girlfriend/boyfriend. I hope you like pain and confusion cos that's what you'll get more than half the time.

I should've remembered this when I first started chatting up Flo.

Why did I break that rule ? Well, my friends know that I have this policy against dating girls who are either still in secondary school or early college. My friends well meaning as they are, told me,"Mac, age is just a number. Women tend to mature earlier."

Oh yeah. Name me one teenage girl you would trust with all your heart, with all your hope and all your dreams of future bliss. More often that not, it's those damn hormones talking, as I have found out.

Anyway, I decided this time around to give in to my feelings and give it a shot. All I got was a reminder that instead of age being a number, it's a whole lot more than that too. I'm not saying that a relationship with youth can't work. If both boy & girl are young, they actually have a decent chance of being happy. If a boy is 21 & a girl is 19, they'd be at the same stage in life. They'd want the same things and have the same hopes and fears. I have friends who married young and stayed happy even now after 10 years. Good for them.

The thing that's less likely to work if one is a lot older than the other. Lots of things can be said here. Do the math. But I think the sticky point here for me is stability. Older tends to mean more experience and more give and take. Logic says someone closer to your age might understand you more. The term "generation gap" comes to mind.

Am I being fussy ? An age bigot ? A snob ? Yes you could say that. But don't I have a right to be ? Can't I want what is best for myself and not get a girlfriend because "it's not nice to be alone" ? And frankly I'm sick of being accused of being "fussy".

How about those women who said no to me, are they not being "fussy" too ? Do you mean to say it's OK for other people to be fussy and not me ? Why ? Would you go out with any random stranger just so you could prove you're not "fussy" ?

Suffice to say after this latest episode, this is the last time I'll have any intentions of getting involved with a kid. I may end up eating my words one day but as of today that's where I stand. Like Kristie says, I need a woman not a girl. If you are a 19 year old and offended by this, blame her. :-D (Just kidding..)

I'm not blaming my friends or anybody for what I went through. Maybe the younger woman thing worked for them. People may have their opinions and shared them with me, but it was my decision. I'm responsible for that.

And to my well meaning friends...

...age ? Not just a number.

Here endeth the rant.

Outside Looking In

Finally a post with that title. I've been trying to use that since I started this blog.

I woke up bright & early this morning at exactly 6.57am. Which is strange for a non-working day. Even more strange considering I wasn't woken up by anyone. I just woke up.

I'm not a morning person. It takes me forever to get going in the morning. I'll only be fully functional after 10.30am.

I feel a lot better today. I've been sitting here and trawling through my past posts and the comments on them. All in all this whole thing's been quite a bit of a (re)learning experience. Quite a few things happened didn't it ? Stretching back from that Esther case when I decided to get back on the proverbial horse so to speak. Until this latest thing. I didn't handle it too well.

I'm clearly not fit to ride yet.

This morning while drinking mineral water and smoking Marlboro Lights I thought about my whole situation again. But not in the emotionally charged way, more of an outside-the-box way. I came to some conclusions that by right I should've realised straight away.

For all her graces, her cuteness and her wonderful personality, F****** isn't the one.

One thing, she's just too young. She's only 19 years old. Ordinarily I wouldn't get involved with a kid like that (no offense to you 19 year olds out there). I think back and I don't know what cause my feelings to get like it did. She's a nice girl but she's at that point in life where she wants to enjoy herself. She doesn't want to be "tied-down". I on the other hand want to get involved in a relationship with a potential for long-term commitment. What could I possibly do since our motivations have conflicted already ?

She's got a boyfriend. But that relationship isn't going to last much longer. In fact, got a coupla hundred bucks in my wallet that say it won't last three months. I was with her one time when he called her on her cellphone. Should've seen the annoyance on her face (her "Oh dammit what does he want now ??" was a pretty good indication too). She picked up and told him she was asleep while in actuality we were in my car cruising town at 2.00am. Is she evil ? No she isn't. A little self-centred maybe but not evil.

I've told her that it's not fair to be in a fake relationship. She told me that her boyfriend goes out with other women too. So I asked her, if both of you don't love each other anymore why stay ? Why not let each other go ? She shrugged and tried (poorly) to change the topic.

I've seen this before among people I know. A relationship gone stale and two people too lazy/scared to walk away and call it quits. I know some people want what I like to call an ornamental relationship. It's just so that you can say that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and not look like a single loser. It doesn't mean anything. It's just for show.

They are other similar things too. I went out with a girl once and she told me why she couldn't break up. They've been going out together for way too long. Never mind that the feeling of commitment is completely gone. Never mind that both of them are sleeping around behind each others' back. Never mind that the so-called relationship is now just a shell of it's former self. Neither of them wants to end it because "it seems like such a waste". Or maybe it's like a security blanket. Or maybe they've been "together" so long, neither one wants to be by themselves anymore. Maybe they forgot what it's like.

I don't want any of these. Being single is a lot less complicated albeit more boring at times. And not the mention the nagging loneliness.

I may have digressed here. I was supposed to talk about something else entirely. What was it again ?

Oh yeah, she's not the one. Some other reasons come to mind. One more thing, our interests have little in common (apart from music). She doesn't read. She doesn't like to watch movies. She doesn't know how to appreciate a nice cafe with good ambience (not yet at least).

My idea of a good meaningful outing includes things like movies and dinner at a nice place. It also includes driving around aimlessly. Me, I'm an easy going guy. It doesn't matter where I take someone. It's the conversation that counts for me. Her, she doesn't like any of these things. She says it's boring if we don't go out to a club or bar. I don't mind but it's hard to have a meaningful chat when you have to shout over the DJ.

She'll get sick of the club scene eventually, as I did. But do I want to wait for her to ? Two days ago, I thought yes. Today, I thought no. She needs someone who is "cool", showy and an extrovert. She needs someone who is not me unfortunately.

Do you see that ? I have targeted the wrong woman again, with unerring accuracy. Damned hormones.

I have decided to back away slowly from her. She's very sweet, I still like her and I lust after her like God knows what but let's get real ok ? She's not the one.

I'll see her again soon but not so often. I'm going to have to wean myself of her. The pheromones in my bloodstream will make this hard but I think have to. I'll feel disappointment. I'll be sad about it. My heart might even break a little. But I'm officially suspending pursuit as of this morning.

It'll be better for the both of us.

Pontless Rambling aka I don't know what to call this post

"If your happiness is based within yourself, you cannot have it taken away with the departure of the other. People cannot make us happy, only happiER. We have to do that ourselves."

That's true. I know that.

And yet, lately I've been ignoring that. Or maybe I forgot.

Reading others' blogs and their comments made me remember a lot of other things too. Things that I know but have forgotten. Or have ignored.

All this over some girl. Isn't it always like that ? It is with me apparently. I'm not dissing the girl. She's ok. She's a good girl. The problem here is me.

I have a tendency to be very dependent on a person's approval for peace of mind. Especially if I'm attracted to her. I have to get over that.

I'm not ready. I've said that before. Until such and such time when I'm able to get into a relationship without undermining my own self-esteem and without falling victim to my own apparent emotional instability, I won't be ready. I won't be ready unless I can be happy about falling in love, not scared to death about it. How long will it take for me to be ready ? Who knows.

I really hate the fact that being attracted to another person makes me so self-conscious. It doesn't help, I know it doesn't help and yet I do it over & over again. The truth is, yes I have security issues. I'm insecure about a lot of things. But everyone's got insecurities right ? The insecurity isn't the question here. The effect of that insecurity is. I need to come to terms with those insecurities. Change what I can and accept what I can't. Because if I don't I'll never be able to be fully content.

I went out with her again last night. She asked me to come. And last night, I finally saw what I had to do. I have to change the way I feel about her. No, I have to change the way I feel, IN GENERAL. I want to provide her with good company after all. What good am I if I feel bad all the time ? I need to find my centre again and get my act together like before I met her. I have to stop regressing. I need to reduce her affect on me.

I'm not ready. I need more time. I need to be happy about being myself again, before I can be happy with someone else. More important than that, I need to be able to handle my own emotions and not let them affect me like they do. Until I can do this, I won't be ready.

And so I have decided. If she chooses to be with someone else, I have to let her go. And I have to be graceful about that.

We'll still be friends, I hope. The future ? I'm not thinking about that. For now.

Flaw

I've censored all potentially sensitive entries this morning, plus all the relevant comments.

The contents of the edited post are completely untouched, I just blotted out certain names of people and places to avoid incrminating myself. Maybe I should've made this blog a bit more anonymous....

Anyways, censoring is hard work. I just hope I covered everything. Even more importantly, I hope I did it in time. But it's done now, so not much left to do now.

Right now, I'm at the office all alone on Saturday afternoon. This is the bad thing about the only shift person on the entire admin floor. Nevertheless, the solitude is nice. Well, usually it is. Today, I'm feeling kinda lonely up here.

Remember that flaw I was talking about ? Well, I'm feeling it's full force right now. I'm depressed, without any good reason at all. Why ? Heck, did I not say I need no reason to get depressed ? And no, I'm not handling it well right now. Hence the post.

I wish I was a happier person by nature.

I have a colleague. Female, Chinese and younger than me by five years (I think). She's a happy person. She doesn't NEED any actual thing/reason to feel happy. She just is. She's just happy by default. Even when she was relating about an accident she got herself into last week, she managed to laugh about it.

I exasperate myself sometimes, as in right now. I'm depressed. About what ? Who the hell knows. Sadness, melancholy, depression. All familiar things. Like my colleague, I have a default feeling if I'm not feeling anything else. Except unlike her, that default feeling is sadness. That sucks.

All my life, I've been fighting that tendency. I have been doing well, but lately there seems to be a regression of sorts. To the way I used to be. Is there a way to change that ? Is there a way to replace such an ingrained part of a person personality ?

I do know what caused this...regression. Her. Remember the flaw ? Emotional upheaval makes it worse and unpredictable. Some people are happy when they get interested in someone. Me ? I get sad. Once again, that sucks.

I want to be effervescent by nature. I want to be light & breezy. I know how people insist that happiness is a state of mind and not just a mere 'feeling'. So, how come some people are simply 'happier' than others ? Like my colleague.

So how do you change to that ? Anyone ? I'm all ears.

----- a few hours later

Addendum: - I have found that despite editing and censoring, my blog still comes up with unedited text if I search using certain search terms. Meaning to say, my editing didn't do jack diddly squat in terms of preventing searches from picking those words out. Ahh well... it's not that important anyway...

Also, I feel much better now that it's almost quitin' time at work. After that ? Four non-work days !! Yay !!!!

About Coming Clean

So exhausted now. Last night I couldn't sleep at all. And I had to get up a 5 in the morning to go to work. I think I'll do something out of character and sleep early tonight.

Last night was real nice. Went to see HER. And talking about that, I may have to break my blogging rule about not messing with the contents of my blog. I've discovered that she used to be a IRC chatter back in school. That means she's familiar with the Net. She's been out of it for a while now but she might just get back in anytime.

I wonder what happens if she Googles her name. Or my name for that matter. What happens if she finds out that I've been writing about her ? Better safe than sorry right ? So, regrettably I may have to go back to previous posts and censor her name. It's just that I'm not sure whether it would be necessary or not. I mean I don't say anything bad about her here. But I do have somethings that I want to hide, that is at least until I come clean and admit to her what I've been thinking and feeling. So maybe a temporary blotting out of certain names would be enough.

Whatever I'll end up doing, I can't do it today though. I'm so so tired now. Maybe tomorrow night...

Anyways, the friend thing that I'm trying out with her is going pretty well. I thought it would blow up in my face like some previous cases, but it seems that we are beginning to have a real connection. Like I said previously, the angsty teenage infatuation is gone and I quite like what's replacing it. It's a lot more substantial and feels more real, a sort of warm fuzziness rather than burning passion.

Last night was really nice, we were talking and she suddenly said,"This is boring..". She got up, walked around the bar and sat next to me so we could talk without raising our voices. Everytime we meet now, our conversations get a little more personal. Slowly slowly, both of us are feeling just that little bit less guarded about ourselves. Getting to know this person is just indescribably joyful right now.

I'm quite excited to see where this is all going. And once again, it's hard not to hope. Silly me. I just hope I'll be able to cope well enough just in case things don't work out. As far as I'm concerned, as far as last night the odds of things working the way I want is about 50-50 *crosses fingers*.

Now, I'm thinking about when is the best time for me to come clean. The time to tell her everything. About this blog. About my feelings for her and what I hope she would feel (even though I have a pretty good idea about that now, and no our feelings towards each other are not mutual for now). About a whole lot of stuff.

And deep, deep in my mind there is a little itty bitty bit of hope that when I do, she'll come clean too. And tell me what I hope to hear. I shouldn't be entertaining that.

Silly me.