Revelations

Not at work. Not going to be at work until Thursday. So yay !!

Today is one of those days where I have things I want to write and actually have time to do it.

Last night, I stumbled upon this post at The Single Life. Read it. It's excellent. And more importantly for me, very timely & significant. I also made a comment, about how as people we sometimes forget the things we know when we are caught in the thing that we were supposed to know about. Sometimes, we forget to think outside the box. I didn't realise how important and appropriate that comment was until just now.

Well, after reading that post words rang in my head. Words that I often use when counseling other friends with relationship difficulties. They rang and rang like a church bell on Christmas day. The heart is the deceiver of the mind. Do not trust your feelings completely. Ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa (Follow your heart and die, follow your feelings and be destroyed; literal translation from Malay).

It dawned to me, I have failed to heed my own advice. I have ignored what my own experiences have taught me. With regard to F******* or any other woman I've taken an interest in recently, I have forgotten to remember my own knowledge. And with that realization, I also noted yet another self-destructive flaw with how I handle relationships. And it's been happening over and over and over and I didn't even notice it. Thirty one years and I only realized it last night.

Earlier I wrote about me always going after the wrong woman. That is an external factor. Now, I noticed that there maybe an internal flaw as well. I think this is the telling one. It's not always the woman maybe, but it's always me who self-destructs at the end.

If I get attracted to someone, I become emotional. Not a in sappy mushy way, but in a depressed melancholic way. I don't need any trigger, it'll just happen. And when I'm sad, how attractive can I be ? How can I be myself when my mind is clouded with worst-case scenarios ? How can I be myself when I'm feeling less than whole ?

I don't know where I got that from. It's just been like that since forever. All I know now is this flaw has damaged many, many relationships that I could've had. I can't blame those women now. How can I possibly expect them to like me when I'm being difficult ?

Before this latest revelation, I was feeling bad about F**. Feeling bad about how things didn't turn out the way I wanted. Feeling bad about how she said no thanks when I offered to take her to lunch.

But you know ? If she doesn't want to go out or see me, that's her right isn't it ? I forgot that she and all the other women are whole other persons with their own lives. They don't owe it to me to follow the script I wrote for them in my play. I often build a fantasy world with the person of the moment in it, unconciously expecting them to fit in that role in real life. I need to put an end to that.

Lainie once commented that I should develop thick skin. She'e bloody right. I'm too sensitive. I get turned away too easily. I overanalyse rejection and read it the wrong way.

Being rejected doesn't mean anything. I should've learnt that long ago. I only hope it isn't too late for the lesson to take effect. I also need to remember that my feelings don't always serve my best interest, if ever at all.

Will I forget this ? Will I be able to correct the flaw ? Who knows ?

At least I wrote this all down. That way I no longer have any excuses if I forget.

*This post was supposed to go up on 30th August but Blogger crapped out on me...

Me Whining

It's a Saturday night and I'm at work. I'm not thrilled. I have some work to do actually, but now I'm procrastinating. Because I want to.

And because I'm not thrilled, rather bored and purposely wasting time, I have decided to take an internet quiz. I got this from Joyce. Aida took this quiz too. You can do yours here if you like.

Here's what it says about me:-

eXpressive: 6/10
Practical: 10/10
Physical: 2/10
Giver: 5/10

You are a XPIT--Expressive Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Manager.

You are cool, thoughtful and intelligent. Your approach and your sense of humor are under-the-radar, your charm is undeniable. You keep everything under control. You have distinctive vocal mannerisms. You may not have much interest in approaching strangers, but when you do, you are successful.

You will probably end up with someone beautiful, fascinating and off-balance. While your partner may steal the limelight, it's you that keeps things running smoothly and provides stability in your relationship. If you are with someone as contemplative and hard-headed as you, you can have a tough time.

Your greatest asset is that you tackle conflict as it rises -- you don't ignore it and let it brew. If you have a partner that *does* let it brew, it will make you crazy! You can find yourself fighting for two -- trying to anticipate your partner's needs and draw their feelings out -- which is exhausting and, well, not your job.

You would never cheat. You would make an excellent spouse. When your spouse's friends met you, they would think, "Crap, why couldn't I get that one?"

Of the 17611 people who have taken this quiz, 5.1 % are this type.

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This is a weird result. Lots of funny stuff here. Like "You may not have much interest in approaching strangers, but when you do, you are successful". Ha ha ha. I don't know why I find that funny but, Ha Ha Ha Ha *points*. Successful my ass. If I'm so good at it why am I still here alone, single and by myself ?

This one is even funnier,"You will probably end up with someone beautiful, fascinating and off-balance". Can you say delusional ? I can't even hit it off with Jenny Regular. Sheesh.

Ok ok. I'm overreacting here. It's just a dumb Internet quiz. Also, I'm exhausted and not feeling so good.

But seriously, I was quite surprised at the result. I've always thought of myself as the stereo-typical Nice Guy in a relationship. Hmm, maybe I'm not such a saint after all. Maybe I do want more. But is that so wrong ? To want satisfaction from a relationship. Is it wrong to demand that my partner meet me half-way instead of me waiting on her, hand and foot ?

Uh-oh. I'm suddenly feeling really chatty. Pardon me. I'm bored here. I need to do something to make time pass.

Where was I ? Oh yeah, hand and foot. And about that nice guy thing ? You know the saying,"Nice guys finish last" ? Well, it's true. I've got this insane theory that if you're too nice, you're easier to dump. The even more insane thing, I've seen it happen.

Guy A & Guy B are trying to get Girl C. Guy A is an abusive, selfish, bastard. Guy B isn't. Girl C has to choose. Guy A says that if Girl C doesn't pick him, he'll do all sorts of things like cut himself and get drunk and other madness. Guy B tells Girl C that he trusts her to make the right decision. What does Girl C do ?

She chooses Guy A.

Now, some may say Girl C is an idiot. True. But the point here is that at the point of time to choose, it was simply more convenient for Girl C to choose Guy A because it would be just too much trouble if she chose Guy B. Besides, Girl C knows that Guy B would try to understand and wish her the best. Girl C dumps Guy B because it's easier for her.

See ? And you wonder, if things like these keep happening to Guy B, why doesn't he just give up and become a priest or something. Guy B is dumb too.

And even now, everytime I hear the phrase "Mac would understand. He's a nice guy" it still smarts like the dickens....

And even now at the time of writing, I fear that my latest (mis)adventure will end like that.

Thus endeth the rant. And if you're thinking,"Dude, stop whining. It's very simple, all you need to do is (insert cliched advice here)." I'm not you so what worked for you WILL NOT work for me, by the simple virtue of you not being me. Besides, you probably just got lucky. So go away.

There. All better.

To be continued...

A New Man ?

My real life is threatening to engulf my blissful, idyllic online existence !! Once again, I find myself having only minutes to post.

I've been so so very busy lately. As I write, I'm at work trying to restore an SQL server from backup tapes AND setting up a WinNT workstation at the same time. I haven't even gotten around to doing my software documentation for my project yet. And that one is weeks overdue. Good thing it's not high priority.

Nevertheless I don't really want to put things off like that, that being one of those habits that I've been trying to break. In that same vein, that is why I'm posting now. I could leave this blog un-updated until next week, but I would get really anxious. More than two days without updates and I get uncomfortable.

I have stuff that I want to write about. Unfortunately, I'm pressed for time so maybe later on eh. I finally got one or two ideas, inspired by other blogs that I read. I'm proud to say I'm in good company online. Read those blogs on my links list. Many fine writers there.

Something interesting did happen recently. I think last month I wrote about finding old friends over the Net. Well, I did manage to get her contact info but unfortunately that info was out of date. So the trail went cold after that. However, in getting that info I managed to find out about another friend from college.

Apparently, the person who gave me that info is the wife of one of my former housemates in college (who is probably reading this right now *waves hi*). Now, what are the odds of that happening. One of the good things about being online.

We've been corresponding me & her and it's always cool to meet new people. Particularly from Sabah (northern Borneo state). I have fond memories of my Sabahan friends. Fully 70% of my really good friends were Sabahans. Maybe I'll be able to track down more of them college buddies. Fingers crossed.

One of the most significant things about those college buddies of mine is that they knew me from a different stage of my life. The crappy, depressed stage where I was a lot whinier & sadder than I am now. It's like a blast from the past. When that person who was married to my former housemate (and whose name I'm not at liberty to reveal yet) wrote telling me who her husband was, my mind dug up all those old memories that I had of college life. Including some rather embarassing memories.

It's funny. I look back at some parts of my life and I might as well be looking at someone else. There's stuff that I did & said that I would never ever say or do now, not even for large sums of money (well, depends on the sum...). I most certainly hope that I've changed into someone better since then.

Hey deja vu. I've written about this before me thinks. Oh well, it's my blog & I can regurgitate content if I want to. So there..

Next week, I plan to not work. I hope nobody calls me back. It's National Day too (31st August). I guess I'll be in town somewhere on the night of the 30th.

Hopefully, I'll have time to write a meatier post.

Ruins

My week is ruined !!

Okay, not really but ruined in the sense of me not having much time at all to myself and my meet-all-my-friends plan. I've had to go back to the factory and do extra work the last two days. See this is why I don't like to make plans. Bad things happen when I plan. And I have to work till Sunday this week. So no more free time.

I shouldn't really complain about that extra work thing since I do kinda need the extra cash. But complaining about work is such a natural thing to do, isn't it ?

Another side-effect of working too many days of the week is that I don't really time to think about stuff for the blog. I was thinking about adding more links and maybe tinkering with the template code to spice things up a bit. And I was also thinking about converting some non-bloggers.

But alas there is not much time for that, at least not this week.

The only vaguely interesting thing I got up to this week was F*******. Things are ok but the direction this is taking isn't quite the direction that I initialy wanted.

We've gotten quite chummy recently. I was supposed to take her out for lunch but both of us had sudden last minute commitments (I got called back to the factory. Again !!) so had to scratch that one. Anyway, yes we are getting on quite well.

However, I have seen enough recently that tells me that if I were to pursue any kind of relationship other than casual platonic I'm heading for trouble. Let's just say that she's not really ready to be in a serious relationship yet. She told me that too, when we were talking about another guy who was interested in her. She told me that she isn't into playing around with other people's feelings.

It's a good thing she told me that BEFORE I told her about what I was feeling.

I could tell that she doesn't feel the same way about me as I feel about her. So am I no longer interested ? Honestly, I not sure. Well, I still like her a lot and I still think she's cute but the feelings are not quite as intense as before. Which is a good thing.

Which now brings me to another thing that I just thought of. I also, am not ready for a serious relationship. Too many things in my life are still KIV, WIP (Work In Progress) and in the air. There's that new job which I'm waiting on. There's the various financial commitments which I still need to respond to. And there's my own fragmented emotions and the other hangups that prevent me from being stable enough to be in a relationship.

To be in one now is to court trouble. That said, things have a funny way of working sometimes and the Fates may conspire to preempt some of my decisions. So, it's still let's-see-what-happens mode for me.

Now back to F**'s case. All in all, I'm grateful for the fact that we met and that we are friends. She's beginning to trust me more and share some of the more private parts of her life. It's getting easier for us to talk and call each other. It's nice :-). Meeting a new person really does rejuvenate a dull life.

I just hope I can rejuvenate hers too. I'm trying to help her get a new job. She's sick of working in a bar and not being able to go out and relax in the evenings. She also told me she's thinking about going to college sometimes soon. Happily, I can help her with that too.

Am I disappointed that we're not going to be romantically involved ? Hardly.

So, what now ? We're friends and I hope we become closer in time. I'm no longer hoping that she'll fall for me, though if that were to happen I'd be very happy too. But really, what we have now is just nice for me.

I can't really ask for much more.

Miscellaneaous Miscellany Pt 2

My muse hasn't returned from it's unauthorized leave of absence yet. I'm getting fidgety. Therefore blogoholics, friends, strangers, I will now write about a bunch of random, unrelated things.

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On Friday night, two of my friends nearly got themselves killed when they crashed their newly modded ride. They made it out alive but only just. Both are now in hospital. Miraculously, they didn't break or lose any limbs considering what a total wreck the car was (I have pictures of the car. Or the twisted, mangled pile of metal that used to be a car). Even more miraculous was that neither one of them were wearing seatbelts. All they got was cuts, bruises, some internal bleeding and really bad concussions. I guess it wasn't time for them to go yet. I know of less horrific wrecks where people get killed.

I think they'll be out of action for a month at least. One thing for sure, none of my friends will EVER EVER give me a hard time for belting up while I'm driving. My friends, they're all cool but some of them are really, really dumb. Even more dumb, I know some girls who think that it's not manly to wear seatbelts. What kind of retards are these people ?

So people, please wear belts while driving. They are there for a REASON and it's included in the price of the car so WEAR IT. And if you think it's a hassle or not macho or whatever, you are a dumbass.

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I finished Doom 3. WITHOUT cheating !!!! When I got to the mouth of Hell in the game, I was confronted with a demon (Doom fans will know this one. It was a CyberDemon. Yeah, the one with the BIG rocket launcher). I screamed HOLY CRAP !!! so loud my mom came into my room.

And if you play Doom 3 and get here, save your ammo and don't shoot the demon. The damned thing's unkillable by regular weapons. Use the Soulcube. And don't forget to RUN !! DO NOT stand still under ANY circumstances.

Thus ends today's gaming tip.

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Remember what I said about not going for overtime ? Scratch that, I got a call and my colleague begged and pleaded and made bambi eyes so I've to turn up at 10 tomorrow morning. It seems there's been another workstation failure and I'm the only one who can fix it. The guy who's supposed to handle these things is on vacation. For a month. In China.

*sigh* At least, I'm getting paid...

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I went out with F** and whole bunch of her friends. Had a fabulous time. She's funny when she's drunk. What a sweet girl...

We talked. We are starting to bond ;-)

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Ooops, a text message. It's F**. Gotta go now...

Relief

Aaaaaaah...

Off day today. What a bloody relief. This week I shall not entertain any offers for overtime thank you very much. I want to relax.

I was so tired the last week. Damned work. If it weren't for the money I'd blow it already. But today... well today was BLISSFUL. It's one of the days where I purposely refuse to do anything useful. I came home after work at 7.35am, played Doom 3 until 8.45am (I killed The Guardian and got the Soulcube !!! WITHOUT cheating !!). And slept. And slept some more.

I woke up just now at 5.30pm. What a nice day I had.

It rained too. It rained last night and this evening, meaning cool temperatures and less haze. Nice going out weather. I like rain. Rain is cool. Okay that was a bad pun.

Overall I feel okay today. Let's do a Systems Check shall we ?

Hormone Levels - Stable
Emotion - Nominal; Low Fluctuation Level
Stress Level - Fair; Non-Critical
Mental State - Stable; Low Activity

Yep, I feel okay.

I guess the theme for this post is RELIEF. I'm away from work for a significant amount of time and my emotions have stabilized. I don't feel depressed or anxious. However I do have a slight problem with money but who hasn't eh ?

I'm going to meet up with F** and a bunch of her friends later this evening. I hope to have a good time. At last, I get to see her outside of work. Should be interesting.

Okay, I admit. I'm a bit bereft of ideas right now. If I weren't so addicted to this blog and the Internet, I wouldn't have posted. Apart from all the relationship and emotional post, I got nothing now. Frankly, I'm getting a bit jaded by the lack of ideas. My muse seems to be trapped in jar somewhere.

Ah sod this. I'm buying a newspaper.

Have a nice day !

Doom 3 !!!

Look what we have here… A non-relationship based post !!! And this post was actually A LOT longer than this. A LOT longer. Yeah I'm feeling a little chatty.

I’m an avid gamer. I especially like first person shooters. I remember those times when I was a kid. We used to make weapons out of old furniture or plumbing and stomp about in the woods pretending to be Rambo. That was fun.

A good shooter game reproduces that fun. You get to become someone else for a while and kick ass with a large automatic weapon that in real life you would never be able to lift, never mind fire. And thanks to modern technology, the environments you get immersed in can be frightfully real. Even better if you play multiplayer with/against other people.

They were some really good ones down through the years. Doom, Doom 2, Heretic, the 3 Quakes (or was it four ?), the Unreal series (I especially love Unreal Tournament I & II), the Delta Force series (sweet multiplayer memories this one), Rainbow Six and it’s sequels, Ghost Recon and sequels, Half-Life & its mods (Counterstrike anyone ?), Medal of Honor (who can forget that beach assault ala Saving Private Ryan…) and so many many more.

Yes I play a lot of games. My PC at home was put together especially for gaming. Built it myself too..*grins

Anyways, the genre got a huge boost this week. Doom III finally came out.

Now, if you are aware of PC gaming history, you’d remember how much controversy the original Doom & Doom 2 generated. What with the wanton gore & violence. Also, Doom was the most downloaded software of all in that period. Needless to say, the “bad” publicity turned the two games into cult classics played by millions, including mois.

Anyways, back to Doom III. Now, why all the hype. Well, it’s the long, long awaited sequel to two aforementioned classics. But for me the thing that I most wanted to see was the graphics engine.

Most first person shooters don’t scare me, no matter how good they look. Before this, the only ones that did were Clive Barker’s Undying (yeah, THAT was frightening) and another one called Nosferatu. Doom III uses new technology that includes among other things, dynamic lighting (the lights are “live” which mean their effects are not pre-determined, meaning that the lights can move and look exactly like REAL lights. Also means, shadows are dynamic too).

This helped create an environment so eerie that I jumped out of my seat a few times while playing. And the in-game ambient noise, often made eerie downright terrifying. It didn’t help my nerves when the whole level I was in was dark and the small amount of lights would flicker or go out altogether. I also really like the fact that the game didn’t have music. Adds to the eerie factor, especially when you suddenly hear a loud CLANG !! behind you and something with claws pounces at you in the dark.

Another major difference is the plot. Doom III has an actual storyline that really is quite interesting. I used to play Doom/Doom 2 for non-stop run & gun action. Now I play Doom III to advance the story. And the pacing is a lot less frenetic. It's actually quite slow and deliberate overall. Unlike the older Dooms, this one isn’t packed with enemies to kill. But don’t worry, the enemies are smarter now and they’ll come at you from places you don’t expect.

Overall, the feel is close to Resident Evil. It even has zombies. Got to hand it to ID Software, they really knew what they were doing when they did this game.

Final verdict, this game is superb. Great sound, great graphics (looks good even on LOW detail. Makes me want to blow money on an ATI Radeon 9800.) and surprisingly tight story. It rocks. If you enjoy a good scare, play this game. In the dark. You'll be scared alright...

Thus ends the review.

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Okay, I can't leave without saying something about what I've written about in previous posts. I finally got it. I know what to do. I know how to deal with F**. I had an epiphany of sorts while I was playing Doom III and hiding behind a crate, taking fire from a rocket-launching demon (a Revenant I think...). And thanks for all the comments and advice. It helped.

Comfort At Last

I'm having a long, hard week. Work's been especially heavy and if it weren't for the fact that I really need the overtime I would be so distressed by now. I only have one full day off this week till Saturday. Next week I'm going to refuse any offers for overtime. I could use some rest, straighten things out and see all my friends again.

On top of that, there's the emotional upheaval that I'm going through. Of course if you read my blog you'll know that.

Ahh yes the emotional upheaval. Despite the hair-tearing frustration, the anxiety attacks and the irrational thoughts I'm quite relieved to know that The Olde Ticker can still feel. I went through a period before that where I genuinely thought that I was no longer capable of feeling affection and falling in love. Recent events have proven otherwise, I note happily. I'm still human !

The infatuation is gone. I knew it ! I knew all those weird things I've been thinking, feeling and saying were somehow hormone related. Today, I didn't have an overwhelming urge to call or message her. I didn't spend all day thinking about what-if & worst-case/best-case scenarios (thanks in part to the amazing distracting powers of Doom 3. That game rocks !!). I'm back to living in the present as opposed to envisioning a F*******-induced post-apocalyptic future. I think my feelings for her are changing....

I went to see F** on Monday night. I didn't feel nervous. I didn't feel the so-called butterflies-in-the-stomach before I see her. I didn't feel the need to watch what I say. I wasn't consumed by the fear of screwing up in front of her. I didn't bother asking whether she would be spooked by me or the things that I did. I felt absolutely fine. Okay, there was that little twinge of anxiety but I figured this kind of thing is normal if you're going to see someone you really, really like. It's been so long, I've forgotten what it's like to be attracted to someobody.

Monday night was hectic, but in a good way. Leon came over to hang with me there too, possibly to provide moral support I think. And so did Angelie & Susan. We had a great time. Except that Leon backed into another car while reversing out of the parking lot and ended up paying for damages. But that's another different and less fun story. Everyone went home after that and me & F** went somewhere to cool off and chat.

Infatuation is one thing. Genuine interest is another. Isn't it ? Sure infatuation is necessary to get somethings started but it IS temporary. Isn't it ? I'm not sure but I hope so.

Last night I went to see her again. And again, no fear and no anxiety attack. Instead I felt a little excited. We were both still tired from last night's partying and so it was a pretty quiet night. She was dressed really simply, just jeans & a plain, faded orange & white t-shirt. But she looked so good.

Nothing much happened. We spent the whole evening just talking. And when we didn't talk she would saunter off the chat with her colleagues and mix drinks while I just sat and chilled out. And if she didn't do that, we'd just sit at the bar and talked some more. And sometimes we just sat and didn't say anything. We just sat.

In many ways, it was the best night ever. I can't really figure out why but it was. I guess it was nice because we both are getting really comfortable seeing each other. What does she feel ? I don't know.

I don't know a lot of things. I still don't know what she feels about me or who am I to her. I still don't know whether this whole thing is going to be just this or something else. The questions are still the same mostly. But I don't worry about it as much now. F** is nice and I enjoy her company. I can only hope she's enjoying my attention too.

More questions. Will the weird feelings and anxiety attack come back ? Will I put up more pathetic sappy posts about F** ? Or any other woman for that matter ? Oh yes most definitely. I'm only human. I'm not immune to my emotions.

I've decided to tell F** what I feel. Not now but soon. As soon as the time is right. As soon as that happens, the ball will be in her half. She'll decide. Whatever happens, at least we'll both know that I'm sincere and my intentions are nothing but good.

For now, I'll just enjoy being around her.

One more thing. Have you ever heard about how some people will pickup someone's natural scent when they're attracted to that person ?

F****** smells sweet. No, she wasn't wearing perfume.

Power & Control & Trading Off

Power, Control. It's a trade off.

Yesterday's quote was about magic. Too much power and too little control, it'll consume the caster. Too little power and too much control, magic won't work. So just how much in the middle can you be ?

I remembered that quote and thought about what I'm going through. Everything not just relationships or jobs or any other thing. Everything's about trading off between power (or intensity or effort or whatever else that is appropriate) and control. Isn't it ?

I didn't want to write about me & F** today actually. I bet there's people out there reading this and rolling their eyeballs heavenwards and groaning. Well, roll and groan away then. Nobody's stopping you.

I hung out with Leon yesterday and he gave me some clear, practical advice. About ground rules and conduct when meeting new people. About what to talk about and gettng her to talk back. About not being too intense and about being in control of your self (see ? Power. Control. Tradeoff) Most importantly to me, he told me,"Never compare her with any of your previous failures. She's a totally different person. Don't sell yourself short." Well he didn't said that exactly but words to that effect.

I can't bloody help it. My previous failure rate is 100%, even with assistance. How can I not help but be extremely anxious ? How can I not help but over-analyse ? If you were me, how can you be non-chalant about something that you've never ever managed to do well before ? I know I shouldn't but I can't bloody help it.

Is there ANY way to get over this ? Anyone ? Please ?

Anyway, I came away from last night's session feeling a lot less nervous and little more confident. The good thing about Leon's advice is the advice is tailored for me. As in, he didn't tell me to to things that I'm not capable off ("Don't try to dazzle her."). He made some suggestions that made sense. Whatever the outcome, I just have to show her and hope she'll like what she sees. No one can do more than that.

Okay this post doesn't sound like it's about power & control. But it is.

What I got from Leon last night was basically, slow down a bit but keep at it. Not too intense, or she'll freak. Not too slow or else she'll never know that I'm interested in her.

See ? Power. Control. It's a trade off.

About Nothing Again

Dammit.

It's really strange how I can be in such a rush on an off-day. I have to go and see some friends. I've also noted that some of my previous entries have been kind of sad. In reality, I'm not a sad person. Really, I'm not.

And so to redress that, I've decided to post about everyday nonsense that I got up to last two days.

Yesterdat, I went to work hung-over. That was torture. Please, please remind me NOT to drink large amounts of vodka, beer & stout AT THE SAME time anymore. And to make matters even worse, a lot of things went wrong that day. Thankfully, I managed to keep everything under control. I went to see Leon (my cousin) to watch a football (soccer to some of you *wink*) match. Actually two matches. Yes people, the English Premier League kicked off this week. You know what that means ? Why, Super Sunday of course !!

I'm a bit of a football (soccer) fan. It's fun. This season, I'll be rooting for Arsenal to win (again), Norwich City (because Proton is sponsoring them) and as usual, whoever is playing against Man U at any given time.

I don't like Man U.

And today ? I watched some DVD (can't remember title) and went out to buy Doom 3. I hope my PC can handle it. Also I got a mp3 CD with songs from games, including Need For Speed Underground. And Max Payne. And Grand Theft Auto Vice City (one of the finest games EVER made).

I'm going to leave today with something Buffy related, since I haven't posted any Buffy/Angel-esque material lately.

Read carefully, today's post was supposed to be based on this quote.

"Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. Well, uh, hear me out. So you're hammering, right? OK, well at the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a tradeoff."

- Xander Harris, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Ep. 126, Help

Hopefully tomorrow I'll still remember what I was supposed to write.

Trying Not to Try Too Hard

don't look too hard for what you want
cause it could be on the tip of your tongue
you're holding back like there's nothing left to it
could this be a false alarm

- 'Failure's Not Flattering' - New Found Glory, Catalyst

The heart feels. It doesn't think. It doesn't care about consequence. It wants. It wants despite knowing what it wants is not a good thing. It tries. Often too hard and with such intensity that it scares away what it wants. In wanting too much, the heart risks not having at all.

If were to follow what my heart wants right now, I'd call incessantly. I'd go and find excuses to see & meet and choke the life of what may be a good relationship. I'd make puppy dog eyes and follow her everywhere, like a shadow and making her life miserable.

The heart, needs the mind to temper it. To control and to calm down.

No heart, you can't have what you want. No No No. Why ? Because if you have what you want now, you might not have later. If you wait and have later, maybe you'l have forever.

Now what the hell is that all about ?

It's me. I'm getting very infatuated with a certain person. If you read previous entries, you'll know who it is. I'm having a difficult time trying to not call or message or go see her after work. If I follow my wants right now, I'll blow this. I'm infatuated but I know that's just the loneliness talking.

Can't follow heart. Must think rationally. I don't want to scare her. I want to be friends. I don't want this to be yet another chapter for A Collection of Mac's Sob Stories Vol 47.

Why don't I want to follow my heart and say potentially embarassing things to her ? Because I've been here before. I've followed my heart and blurted out and destroyed potentially good relationships. Ain't gonna happen this time. This time, I want to know her really well first. I have to know if there is any potential for this to go beyond what it is now, or what it will be in the near future. Most importantly, I have to know whether she actually LIKES me. Strangely, most infatuated people NEVER factor that in (I used to mess this one up all the time).

I realize I'm sounding really stupid here. But I need to let this out, otherwise it will eat away at me the whole day. I'll end up breaking down and I'll say and do things that I shouldn't. And as usual, I'll regret that.

I'm fighting myself for control of my own actions. Am I making a mistake ? Should I just follow my heart or should I rein myself in and slow down ? How much control can I exercise before it kills the spontaneity of a good relationship ?

So many questions. And this post, so little point...

There, I feel better now.

Fifteen Minute Post

I've got 15 minutes to post before everyone in the office comes in.

That won't help much. I find it difficult to write under pressure, which is probably why I shouldn't be a professional writer. I'm also confused right now. I'm not entirely sure about what...

If you look through my archives, you will notice a post about being in a rut. Well, I'm back in that rut again. You know, when everything feels the same and how I want to go on vacation but can't afford to and how life is so boring and bla bla bla ad nauseum.....

Happily enough, I was anticipating this so I'm not too affected by it. That's the nice thing about having a weblog, you can feel a disturbingly familiar negative feeling, refer back to an older post and go, "Ahhh..this again. Okay I'll wait out the necessary 48-72 hrs while my hormone levels stabilize."

I did feel rather depressed yesterday. Maybe because of the weather. The Haze(tm) is back and *looks out window* getting rather bad. How I wish it would rain... Or maybe because I'm broke. Or maybe because I've been thinking about F****** while not trying to be too hopeful and failing miserably. Or maybe it's just that time when I get depressed for no reason at all.

Also yesterday was the first time I've tried to post, and failed. Everything I wrote sounded contrived and flat. I had so many things I wanted to put down. It was as if my head was three lanes of traffic trying to squeeze onto a one lane sidestreet during rush hour. So many cars, so little space. So intead of posting crap, I thought I'd skip it.

Perhaps I'm burning out. Or perhaps I just need to calm down a bit and cool my heels. Or perhaps, I'm at work and anticipating a really busy day (which is good, sure beats being bored).

Gee, this post is totally point-free. But you know what ? I think point free-posts are good for the mind. It's like junk food.

You want to read a thought provoking post, check this one out by Kristie. Damned, the woman can write ! Read this and I guarantee serious thoughts all day long.

Have a good weekend !!

Till We Meet Again

After Ophelia is no more.

My heart sank when I went on my usual blog rounds today and found that one of my favourite blogs closed. I took time to read her explaination. There's stuff going on in her life now that prevents her from continuing. However I'm grateful that she took time to save the Communal Blog which me & so many other bloggers share.

Amy's been a big part of my blogging experience, ever since I started in January. Whenever I was depressed or stumped for ideas or just bored, I'd go to After Ophelia. Rest assured there will be something there that will make me think. Or will uplift. Or is just plain funny.

Be it one of her posts or a link to somewhere or something in the communal blog, a good read is always guarantedd. I felt honored when she invited to join the communal blog.

Also, according to my site-meter, After Ophelia is my top referrer. I'm going to miss you Amy. Good luck and see you soon.

It's not all bad news tough. Amy might come back, under a different name and using a different domain. Until then, I wait.

Meme Games

meme, n - A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.

I actually had to look that up.

I got this off Divine Distraction. It's quite interesting. Select you birth month and strike out qualities that don't apply to you. Read the rest of the list here. Once done, post the list on your blog or link back to the source. Enjoy !

JULY:Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable (??). Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

Interesting.... How does yours look like ?

Holding Pattern

Not at work today. And what a relief that is...

I had a really bad day yesterday, with technical problems up to my ears. My boss was in a foul mood and it sort of rubbed of on everyone. Had to spend a lot of time avoiding him.

Everything's in holding pattern now. My job application's been received. So now I wait. Me & F****** ? Nothing new, though yesterday I had a nice quietish evening with her. I feel grateful that she was around. It would've made my day even worse if I couldn't see her.

Normally I would get angsty if I had to wait for something, especially when I can't do anything about it. But this time I won't be. I've done all I can and that is that. No amount of worrying and fidgeting is going to help my cause. Not going to lose any sleep over something that I can't control.

Worry is wasteful isn't it ? To me there is really no point in entertaining such an emotion. Better spend energy fixing the CAUSE of the worry rather than to stay awake the whole night WORRYING. Worry is like a flag, it pops up when things are not right. It signifies the fact that we realize that something has to be done to change something that's gone awry. When worried, I try to find the cause and isolate it. Maybe solve or remove it. That would be the ideal.

Some people I know feel that if I don't show any outward signs of worry, it means I don't care. That somehow, if I'm not losing my head and panicking that means I'm being apathetic. Nothing is further from the truth. I do care. Is just that I try not to worry too much. It's a waste of time. Really.

Am I immune to worry ? No, I'm human after all so yeah, I do worry. But I never let that dictate my actions. At least I try not to.

Of course that's easier said than done. Being human, I can't rationalize everything everytime. I get flustered. I get anxious. I lose my head and act rashly.

I'm sure everyone's heard of the serenity prayer. You know the one where one asks for wisdom to tell the difference between things that one can or cannot change ? To me, basically it means to say that one shouldn't worry too much. Change what we can and bear with what we can't.

What else can we do ?

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is not to do anything but wait.

Nothing Useful

At work now. It's lunch time and yet I'm not hungry. I've noticed that I have a disturbingly large number of posts that begin with "I". I do write about myself a lot don't I ? But if I didn't, what else could I write about ? Current affairs ? Heck no man, I'm no Peter Minos. Besides, if you want to read stuff like that, buy a newspaper.

No I'm not going to whine today.

I got a weird feeling right now. A sort of acidic, unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like butterflies. No, more like bats. I'm not sick (yet). I feel kinda nervous actually.

I don't even know what I'm nervous about. I'm not thinking about work (present or future) nor am I thinking about Florence (although very early this morning I was thinking about what to do next with her. I think dinner next weekend would be nice. And quiet. And cheap.) In fact at this moment, I have no serious thoughts whatsoever.

A lot of that going around. Nervousness, anxiety, uncertainty. Read blogs on my links list and ye wil find many a blogger's been feeling more or less like that this week. A lot of us are going through changes or mulling them, both real & perceived. Some people going away, some people thinking about going away and some people thinking about changing stuff with their life. Perhaps my acidy stomach feeling is a reaction from reading all my blogger friends' blogs. Overidentify much ? Maybe.

There's a theme there isn't it ? Change. Change is good sometimes. If there was no change, we have one less topic to blog about. I know I'll be a lot quieter.

Talking about blogs, I nearly died laughing early this morning. One of those blogs that I particularly like is this one. You have to read her latest post, it's just nuts. You'll need to know Malay to get full benefit, but read the rest of the blog. It's just hilarious.

The best thing about Lainie's blog is that it's light-hearted (and did I mention hilarious ? I did ? Ok then...). That blog is the blogging equivalent to a good sitcom. I love it.

As you can see, I don't have an actual topic here. And what a relief too. I've been all introspective an serious for a while now. It's a release just to ramble about nothing actually meaningful. It's the blogging equivalent to a good kicking back and the doing of nothing particularly useful.

And what better thing to do on a Sunday afternoon.

*Errata: Actually Lainie's Malay entry is dated August 5th. But the entries after that are funny too !!

And Now... A Bonus Post for Saturday

In the "Happy Accidents" post, I mentioned not having any expectations and not questioning intentions didn't I ?

I'm finding that hard to do.

Sarah was right, it's practically impossible to have any sort of relationship (platonic or otherwise) and not have any expectations or any questions. And why shouldn't it be like that. These expectations determine how we approach the relationship. It determines how laid back we are or how intense. The questions ? A necessary part of our built-in self-defense mechanism (unless you're really naive).

So, right after I posted the aforementioned entry I found myself rather curious about F**. What did she want with me ? Does she really like me ? Is she fishing for customers ? Is she trying to score freebies off me ? Is she for real ? Does she have a secret agenda ?

Well, I decided to try something on Thursday night. I showed up as usual. We chatted. She was kind of busy so I hung out with some other guys (funny how you bump into people you haven't met for ages in bars) while she continued to man the till.

We talked some more after the place emptied a bit. She asked me if I wanted to go out again after. So here I decided to conduct a little test, just to see if she was being straight with me. I mean, I barely know her. You can't be careful you know, especially with my kind of luck.

I told her I'd like to but I was broke. I waited for her reaction. To my pleasant surprise, she said,"No problem. Tonight's on me." I was relieved.

We had a great time again. Even better than the previous night. She's really cool, I'm really starting to like her.

I realize it must be boring for some of the more 'experienced' people to read about this. I must come off as pretty green in this whole thing. Guess what, I am green. What can I do about it ?

Well anyways, isn't it great when you're just starting to know somebody. The discovery of unknown things, likes & dislikes, of quirks & idyosyncrasies. Oh what fun !

What does remain the same is that I'm still not going to put any pressure on myself here. I'm not in love with F**, that would be ridiculous considering I've only known her for an equivalent of three days. Right now ? I expect us to become friends. Good friends.

That's good enough for me, for now. If either one of us wants anything more, then we'll find out soon enough.

Have a good weekend.

Oh and I saw her again last night too....

Changes Redux

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before,
it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

- ‘Drive’ – Incubus, Make Yourself
___________

I actually have writer’s block today ! I had today’s post all figured out and now I’ve been sitting in front of this PC for the better part of an hour and I haven’t written a damned thing. Or rather I’ve written a whole lot, only to find myself stumped and starting over.

I posted about a new job offer a few weeks ago. I’ve sent in my resume & certs and am now simply waiting here for them to call for an interview. I’m quite nervous about this actually.

No I’m not nervous about the interview. I interview quite well, and I’m quite confident that if given the chance to speak I would give them enough reason to take me. I’m actually fearful about leaving my current work. Not only that I’m nervous about the possibility of moving, albeit temporarily to a new location to train, if I should get the job that is.

I very nearly didn’t apply, even though this would actually present a big advancement, career-wise for me. Now, why am I so frightened ? I feel the fear but when I think about this objectively I can’t find a good reason.

No wait. I do know what I’m afraid of.

I'm afraid of change. Despite the change being for the better, I'm still afraid of it.

If I leave my job now, I would be venturing into uncharted territory. I’d be leaving the familiar. As much as I’d like to travel, I don’t feel like living outside of Kuching for any significant amount of time.

That’s always been my problem. I like to be surrounded by familiar things. By my friends. By the sights & sounds of my city. I like to keep a routine. Anytime there’s a change, it triggers a negative reaction. Somehow if things change, I feel threatened. And yet, I complain that things are dull and never change.

A walking contradiction ? I most definitely am. The things I want and the things I “want” are never the same.

I’ve made my decision though. I’ve decided to try for the new job. If I get offered, I’d go wherever it takes me. It’s scary, it’s rattling my nerves but at the same time I’m kind of excited and hopeful. At this stage of life, I can’t afford to be sentimental. It's time for me to put my head down and try make some changes. It's time to expand my horizons, to find out for sure whether there really is something more to life than what I have now.

Will it happen ? Will I be disappointed again ? Will this chance disappear like so many other things in the past ? I don't know.

If I let my fears dictate my actions (again), I’ll never know.

It’s time to take the wheel.

Happy Accidents

If you look, you will notice that my Unkymood thingy hasn't changed for the last few days. Not because I'm too lazy to change it, but because I HAVE been calm lately. Despite all the stuff that I'm doing and am going through, I'm keeping cool (and on certain things, keeping mum).

I had a very very interesting day yesterday.

So yesterday, I post my blog entry of the day, fully intending on temporary swearing of relationship based activities. I get in my car and drive home. My car stalled at the Stutong roundabout and I couldn't start it.

I made a few calls and 90 minutes and a half a pack of cigarrettes later, this old guy showed up and checked my engine. We got the car started. It was a very minor problem (carbon deposits on the contacts preventing the plugs from firing, a problem which now I can fix myself). The good thing was after we cleared the contacts and readjusted some things, the car suddenly had more power. A LOT more. And it's so much smoother now too.

That meant that the contacts have been dirty since I got the car four months ago. Proton QC, I'm not even surprised...

Sometimes good things happen after bad things happen. If my car didn't stall, I wouldn't have known about the contact problem.

Life is funny like that. Good things emerge from bad situations. And sometimes, good things come out of nowhere.

Yesterday night, I went out to meet up with Susan and some old friends. I went to P****** early, so I hung out with the staff while waiting. Nice people, them. There's this bartender/cashier there. Her name is F*******.

I've been coming here a lot lately, just to chill and chat with the bartender, Cheers style you know. So last night was the same. Susan showed up later and we had our usual round of drinks. And while she was entertaining our friends, me & F** really started talking.

So Susan left after that, leaving me there. I was having a great time talking to F** who apparently was more chatty than usual despite being rather busy. The topic gradually shifted to things like where she lived and how does she go home after work. I suddenly had a brain-flash .

This was when I did something completely out of character. This may be no big deal to many people, but for me it was a leap into the unknown.

I asked her out.

I asked her,"Let's say that if you had your own ride back, where would you like to go tonight ?" She smiled at me and asked me,"Anywhere, do you have somewhere in mind ?". I asked her again,"Do you want to hang out ?".

She said,"Yes I want to." Just like that. I asked and she said yes. No agonising about technique or pickup lines. No questions about potential rejection. It was so simple, it's crazy.

I waited for her to close at 1.00am. We went to another club and stayed until 4.30am. We talked. We ordered more drinks. We danced. Before I sent her & her cousin (who happened to be there at the time) home, she asked for my number.

It was great. Unexpectedly great in fact.

She messaged me this morning to say thanks and to say that she had a great time. She wants to see me again tonight.

I'm not going to over-analyse this. I don't want to ask questions about her intentions or my intentions for that matter. I'm not going to worry about whether if this is just a temporary thing or otherwise. I'm not going to expect anything.

I'm just going to let it roll. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts. Whatever happens in the future, let it happen.

Yes, I'm having a good day.

Cause & Effect

I'm bored & exhausted & broke. Yes I'm broke. That Esther episode really was draining. On my finances (excess partying, but that's all my fault really), my mind & my emotions which until last month had more less remained dormant.

Once again, I find myself wanting to stay away from potential romantic liasons. They never end well if you're me, but I guess I should have known that. But no regrets here. At least I tried and failed honestly, without doing the usual shooting-my-self-in-the-foot thing and the acting-like-an-imbecile-in-public thing.

I think I may have isolated another cause for my love-life problems (or lack thereof in this case). I keep going after the wrong women. Invariably, the women I do end up liking intensely will end up not liking me the same, regardless of the effort. The women I usually like (like Esther, for example) tend to gravitate to men who are more outgoing and sociable. They like men who are more 'fun' & outwardly exciting. Men who make good first impressions, especially physically. In other words, women whom I like usually like to see things in a man that I, unfortunately don't have or am not.

I'm not outgoing nor am I very sociable. I'm never the life of a party. I don't have an outwardly obvious sense of humor. I don't have much of a physical presence and most definitely my first impressions are usually lukewarm & ordinary at best. Therefore maybe I shouldn't try to be any of the above.

So what should I do ? What do I have that a woman would like ? Come to think of it, I've always been concerned about characteristics that I DON'T have. What about what I actually DO have ? Who am I to a stranger ? What does she see when she sees me ? And what SHOULD she see that would make a nice impression ?

Well, this is entirely subjective isn't it ? I mean half the time most average people don't even know what they want exactly. Knowing myself, I should know.

I don't get many compliments from women but (and I risk sounding pretentious here) the most consistent compliments I get is that I LISTEN well. That I'm nice to talk with. That I'm considerate (this was before the jaded-&-cynical phase, which I hope has passed).

As you can see, I don't have much to go with. How many women in Kuching will be IMPRESSED by that eh ? It sucks to be Joe Regular (a short bespectacled one at that).

The whole point of this post is that I should stop trying be what I can never be. And I'm not posting this to be mopy and sad. Or to garner sympathy.

I just needed to see it in writing that's all.

And what is my realistic conclusion ? I could get lucky, but as you can see the operative word here is LUCK.

Blogging is Cool

I'm going to stop partying for a while. Been at it for the last month (I think) and it's starting to hurt. Physically.

Quite a weekend I had. As usual I went to Panggau Libau on Saturday night. Had vodka & lime. It was nice. Also, it's starting to become rather plain. I need a change of venue. Somewhere not so frenetic. Somewhere I can relax.

I may have found it the next day. On Sunday afternoon I went to Bing! to meet up with Tarlia, Marita, Shook, Fariah, Cayce & Daniel. It was the first time I've met Daniel, Cayce & Marita. As usual with these people, it was a lot of fun. And Bing!, what a nice place. I was impressed with the decor and the overall ambience. The food & drinks selection was varied & unique too. The only complaint I had with the place was the music. I thought they were playing the wrong kind of music & they played it too loud. If they were going for "relaxing", they should change the music (or at least lower the volume).

Anyway, back to the meet up. What can I say ? It was great. The girls didn't pick on me as much this time around. Maybe they took pity on me when I said that was still a bit drunk from the night before. Shook & Fariah had to leave early to catch the airshow at the airport. We continued to chat until about 4.30pm. I hope to do this again, real soon in fact.

Stupidly enough, right now I can't remember what we talked about (did I mention that the music was loud enough to drown out people who are sitting two feet away ? And that I was slightly drunk.). I do remember being quite fascinated by Cayce (don't worry I'm not going to start stalking you..).

She's researches wildlife and for those of you who follow her blog you'll know that she currently operates in the Batang Ai area, a place that I visited many, many years ago in fact. It's just briliant to talk to someone who researches wildlife for a living. I may not look like it but I find the subject of wildlife interesting. And to meet someone who does it here in my own backyard even more interesting.

Unfortunately, the loudness of Bing! and my lack of sobriety prevented me from asking her more about her work. I must remember to ask the next time I see her. Seems so much more exciting & meaningful than what I do for a living.

See, this is the best thing about having a weblog. Without my blog, I could never hope to meet people like Cayce, Sativa, Tarlia, Marita, Daniel and so, so many other interesting characters. And not to mention those I've "met" online, like Lainie, Sarah & Kristie. Through the wonders of modern telecommunications technology, it almost doesn't matter where we come from/live.

Blogging is cool that way.