Outside Looking In

Finally a post with that title. I've been trying to use that since I started this blog.

I woke up bright & early this morning at exactly 6.57am. Which is strange for a non-working day. Even more strange considering I wasn't woken up by anyone. I just woke up.

I'm not a morning person. It takes me forever to get going in the morning. I'll only be fully functional after 10.30am.

I feel a lot better today. I've been sitting here and trawling through my past posts and the comments on them. All in all this whole thing's been quite a bit of a (re)learning experience. Quite a few things happened didn't it ? Stretching back from that Esther case when I decided to get back on the proverbial horse so to speak. Until this latest thing. I didn't handle it too well.

I'm clearly not fit to ride yet.

This morning while drinking mineral water and smoking Marlboro Lights I thought about my whole situation again. But not in the emotionally charged way, more of an outside-the-box way. I came to some conclusions that by right I should've realised straight away.

For all her graces, her cuteness and her wonderful personality, F****** isn't the one.

One thing, she's just too young. She's only 19 years old. Ordinarily I wouldn't get involved with a kid like that (no offense to you 19 year olds out there). I think back and I don't know what cause my feelings to get like it did. She's a nice girl but she's at that point in life where she wants to enjoy herself. She doesn't want to be "tied-down". I on the other hand want to get involved in a relationship with a potential for long-term commitment. What could I possibly do since our motivations have conflicted already ?

She's got a boyfriend. But that relationship isn't going to last much longer. In fact, got a coupla hundred bucks in my wallet that say it won't last three months. I was with her one time when he called her on her cellphone. Should've seen the annoyance on her face (her "Oh dammit what does he want now ??" was a pretty good indication too). She picked up and told him she was asleep while in actuality we were in my car cruising town at 2.00am. Is she evil ? No she isn't. A little self-centred maybe but not evil.

I've told her that it's not fair to be in a fake relationship. She told me that her boyfriend goes out with other women too. So I asked her, if both of you don't love each other anymore why stay ? Why not let each other go ? She shrugged and tried (poorly) to change the topic.

I've seen this before among people I know. A relationship gone stale and two people too lazy/scared to walk away and call it quits. I know some people want what I like to call an ornamental relationship. It's just so that you can say that you have a boyfriend/girlfriend and not look like a single loser. It doesn't mean anything. It's just for show.

They are other similar things too. I went out with a girl once and she told me why she couldn't break up. They've been going out together for way too long. Never mind that the feeling of commitment is completely gone. Never mind that both of them are sleeping around behind each others' back. Never mind that the so-called relationship is now just a shell of it's former self. Neither of them wants to end it because "it seems like such a waste". Or maybe it's like a security blanket. Or maybe they've been "together" so long, neither one wants to be by themselves anymore. Maybe they forgot what it's like.

I don't want any of these. Being single is a lot less complicated albeit more boring at times. And not the mention the nagging loneliness.

I may have digressed here. I was supposed to talk about something else entirely. What was it again ?

Oh yeah, she's not the one. Some other reasons come to mind. One more thing, our interests have little in common (apart from music). She doesn't read. She doesn't like to watch movies. She doesn't know how to appreciate a nice cafe with good ambience (not yet at least).

My idea of a good meaningful outing includes things like movies and dinner at a nice place. It also includes driving around aimlessly. Me, I'm an easy going guy. It doesn't matter where I take someone. It's the conversation that counts for me. Her, she doesn't like any of these things. She says it's boring if we don't go out to a club or bar. I don't mind but it's hard to have a meaningful chat when you have to shout over the DJ.

She'll get sick of the club scene eventually, as I did. But do I want to wait for her to ? Two days ago, I thought yes. Today, I thought no. She needs someone who is "cool", showy and an extrovert. She needs someone who is not me unfortunately.

Do you see that ? I have targeted the wrong woman again, with unerring accuracy. Damned hormones.

I have decided to back away slowly from her. She's very sweet, I still like her and I lust after her like God knows what but let's get real ok ? She's not the one.

I'll see her again soon but not so often. I'm going to have to wean myself of her. The pheromones in my bloodstream will make this hard but I think have to. I'll feel disappointment. I'll be sad about it. My heart might even break a little. But I'm officially suspending pursuit as of this morning.

It'll be better for the both of us.