A Post of Two Halves

Yesterday was very mixed day.

First the good. I went for the Bloggers Meet. Unfortunately a few people coudn't make it but it was another great session as usual.

I got to Hot Seat at about 1.30pm. Tarlia, Azreen & Bernard were already there. Wena came a bit later.And later on, Joyce & Cayce joined us after we moved to Bing !. Unfortunately Cayce had to leave early. Too bad really. I owe her a conversation...

Like I was saying, this was yet another great session. Many pictures were taken, particular of a certain stuffed animal in compromising positions. And of course pictures of food. Unfortunately, no one remembered to take pictures of people. But never mind that.

What's the best thing about meeting other bloggers ? The conversation, which can get really bizarre sometimes. Yesterday, among other things we talked about games, TV shows, blogs and other bloggers, potential topics for posting (How to Get Cheap Cigarettes, How to Illegally Modify your Ride & How to Distill Langkau (local moonshine) are the ones I can recall at the mo), drinking stories and other stuff which I can't quite remember right now.

And also, the herbs used to prepare our local dish kacangma is part of the marijuana family ! So what happens when you smoke it ? Read this to find out how kacangma is prepared. And it's connection to weeeed..

I hope to do this again soon. I had such a great time.

And now the bad.

Remember what I wrote in this post ? About denial ? Last night, I found out to my dismay that I WAS in denial.

Shit.

I don't want to get into details but the short of it is as follows. Went out to see someone and friends. While out, someone bumped into someone else. Someone fancies someone else, despite not wanting to admit it. I saw someone & someone else get really really chummy.

It hurt. I held myself in check and did not say much but bloody hell it hurt to see the things I saw.

And to think I actually thought me & her could be friends ! Hah !! I saw it clear as day that sentiment is nothing but a steaming pile of horse shit.

We can't be friends. Who am I kidding right ? It wouldn't work. Not while I still have feelings lying just under the surface. I would love to be friends but it just hurts too much to see her just out of reach. It hurts too damn much to see her fall for someone else. It hurts. How do I tell I I need to be away from her ? And more importantly, what do I tell her ? Or maybe it'd be easier to be a coward and disappear.

It pisses me off when I think about it. I hate being passed over. I hate it when I try and get nothing and some other bastard gets what I want just by standing there. I hate the fact that it's so difficult for me to accomplish things that some other guy can do just by showing up. I hate myself for being such a whiny, loser lame ass who can't get laid.

It's not her fault. She can't help the way she feels. I know she doesn't mean to cause me pain and harm.

I want my heart of stone back. The unfeeling, bored one I had back in May. I don't want all these emotions. I don't want pain. I don't want this. To whoever's in charge of handing out assignments like this, take it back.

I don't want it. I don't want it ever. I don't want to play anymore.

Take it back. Please.

NB. I swear THIS is the LAST time I'll mention anything related to F*******. I'm sick & tired of being an emo bastard. I think I'm jinxed. I can't stand it anymore. I'm taking a break from all this relationship crap.