Flaw

I've censored all potentially sensitive entries this morning, plus all the relevant comments.

The contents of the edited post are completely untouched, I just blotted out certain names of people and places to avoid incrminating myself. Maybe I should've made this blog a bit more anonymous....

Anyways, censoring is hard work. I just hope I covered everything. Even more importantly, I hope I did it in time. But it's done now, so not much left to do now.

Right now, I'm at the office all alone on Saturday afternoon. This is the bad thing about the only shift person on the entire admin floor. Nevertheless, the solitude is nice. Well, usually it is. Today, I'm feeling kinda lonely up here.

Remember that flaw I was talking about ? Well, I'm feeling it's full force right now. I'm depressed, without any good reason at all. Why ? Heck, did I not say I need no reason to get depressed ? And no, I'm not handling it well right now. Hence the post.

I wish I was a happier person by nature.

I have a colleague. Female, Chinese and younger than me by five years (I think). She's a happy person. She doesn't NEED any actual thing/reason to feel happy. She just is. She's just happy by default. Even when she was relating about an accident she got herself into last week, she managed to laugh about it.

I exasperate myself sometimes, as in right now. I'm depressed. About what ? Who the hell knows. Sadness, melancholy, depression. All familiar things. Like my colleague, I have a default feeling if I'm not feeling anything else. Except unlike her, that default feeling is sadness. That sucks.

All my life, I've been fighting that tendency. I have been doing well, but lately there seems to be a regression of sorts. To the way I used to be. Is there a way to change that ? Is there a way to replace such an ingrained part of a person personality ?

I do know what caused this...regression. Her. Remember the flaw ? Emotional upheaval makes it worse and unpredictable. Some people are happy when they get interested in someone. Me ? I get sad. Once again, that sucks.

I want to be effervescent by nature. I want to be light & breezy. I know how people insist that happiness is a state of mind and not just a mere 'feeling'. So, how come some people are simply 'happier' than others ? Like my colleague.

So how do you change to that ? Anyone ? I'm all ears.

----- a few hours later

Addendum: - I have found that despite editing and censoring, my blog still comes up with unedited text if I search using certain search terms. Meaning to say, my editing didn't do jack diddly squat in terms of preventing searches from picking those words out. Ahh well... it's not that important anyway...

Also, I feel much better now that it's almost quitin' time at work. After that ? Four non-work days !! Yay !!!!