Pontless Rambling aka I don't know what to call this post

"If your happiness is based within yourself, you cannot have it taken away with the departure of the other. People cannot make us happy, only happiER. We have to do that ourselves."

That's true. I know that.

And yet, lately I've been ignoring that. Or maybe I forgot.

Reading others' blogs and their comments made me remember a lot of other things too. Things that I know but have forgotten. Or have ignored.

All this over some girl. Isn't it always like that ? It is with me apparently. I'm not dissing the girl. She's ok. She's a good girl. The problem here is me.

I have a tendency to be very dependent on a person's approval for peace of mind. Especially if I'm attracted to her. I have to get over that.

I'm not ready. I've said that before. Until such and such time when I'm able to get into a relationship without undermining my own self-esteem and without falling victim to my own apparent emotional instability, I won't be ready. I won't be ready unless I can be happy about falling in love, not scared to death about it. How long will it take for me to be ready ? Who knows.

I really hate the fact that being attracted to another person makes me so self-conscious. It doesn't help, I know it doesn't help and yet I do it over & over again. The truth is, yes I have security issues. I'm insecure about a lot of things. But everyone's got insecurities right ? The insecurity isn't the question here. The effect of that insecurity is. I need to come to terms with those insecurities. Change what I can and accept what I can't. Because if I don't I'll never be able to be fully content.

I went out with her again last night. She asked me to come. And last night, I finally saw what I had to do. I have to change the way I feel about her. No, I have to change the way I feel, IN GENERAL. I want to provide her with good company after all. What good am I if I feel bad all the time ? I need to find my centre again and get my act together like before I met her. I have to stop regressing. I need to reduce her affect on me.

I'm not ready. I need more time. I need to be happy about being myself again, before I can be happy with someone else. More important than that, I need to be able to handle my own emotions and not let them affect me like they do. Until I can do this, I won't be ready.

And so I have decided. If she chooses to be with someone else, I have to let her go. And I have to be graceful about that.

We'll still be friends, I hope. The future ? I'm not thinking about that. For now.