About Coming Clean

So exhausted now. Last night I couldn't sleep at all. And I had to get up a 5 in the morning to go to work. I think I'll do something out of character and sleep early tonight.

Last night was real nice. Went to see HER. And talking about that, I may have to break my blogging rule about not messing with the contents of my blog. I've discovered that she used to be a IRC chatter back in school. That means she's familiar with the Net. She's been out of it for a while now but she might just get back in anytime.

I wonder what happens if she Googles her name. Or my name for that matter. What happens if she finds out that I've been writing about her ? Better safe than sorry right ? So, regrettably I may have to go back to previous posts and censor her name. It's just that I'm not sure whether it would be necessary or not. I mean I don't say anything bad about her here. But I do have somethings that I want to hide, that is at least until I come clean and admit to her what I've been thinking and feeling. So maybe a temporary blotting out of certain names would be enough.

Whatever I'll end up doing, I can't do it today though. I'm so so tired now. Maybe tomorrow night...

Anyways, the friend thing that I'm trying out with her is going pretty well. I thought it would blow up in my face like some previous cases, but it seems that we are beginning to have a real connection. Like I said previously, the angsty teenage infatuation is gone and I quite like what's replacing it. It's a lot more substantial and feels more real, a sort of warm fuzziness rather than burning passion.

Last night was really nice, we were talking and she suddenly said,"This is boring..". She got up, walked around the bar and sat next to me so we could talk without raising our voices. Everytime we meet now, our conversations get a little more personal. Slowly slowly, both of us are feeling just that little bit less guarded about ourselves. Getting to know this person is just indescribably joyful right now.

I'm quite excited to see where this is all going. And once again, it's hard not to hope. Silly me. I just hope I'll be able to cope well enough just in case things don't work out. As far as I'm concerned, as far as last night the odds of things working the way I want is about 50-50 *crosses fingers*.

Now, I'm thinking about when is the best time for me to come clean. The time to tell her everything. About this blog. About my feelings for her and what I hope she would feel (even though I have a pretty good idea about that now, and no our feelings towards each other are not mutual for now). About a whole lot of stuff.

And deep, deep in my mind there is a little itty bitty bit of hope that when I do, she'll come clean too. And tell me what I hope to hear. I shouldn't be entertaining that.

Silly me.