Revelations

Not at work. Not going to be at work until Thursday. So yay !!

Today is one of those days where I have things I want to write and actually have time to do it.

Last night, I stumbled upon this post at The Single Life. Read it. It's excellent. And more importantly for me, very timely & significant. I also made a comment, about how as people we sometimes forget the things we know when we are caught in the thing that we were supposed to know about. Sometimes, we forget to think outside the box. I didn't realise how important and appropriate that comment was until just now.

Well, after reading that post words rang in my head. Words that I often use when counseling other friends with relationship difficulties. They rang and rang like a church bell on Christmas day. The heart is the deceiver of the mind. Do not trust your feelings completely. Ikut hati mati, ikut rasa binasa (Follow your heart and die, follow your feelings and be destroyed; literal translation from Malay).

It dawned to me, I have failed to heed my own advice. I have ignored what my own experiences have taught me. With regard to F******* or any other woman I've taken an interest in recently, I have forgotten to remember my own knowledge. And with that realization, I also noted yet another self-destructive flaw with how I handle relationships. And it's been happening over and over and over and I didn't even notice it. Thirty one years and I only realized it last night.

Earlier I wrote about me always going after the wrong woman. That is an external factor. Now, I noticed that there maybe an internal flaw as well. I think this is the telling one. It's not always the woman maybe, but it's always me who self-destructs at the end.

If I get attracted to someone, I become emotional. Not a in sappy mushy way, but in a depressed melancholic way. I don't need any trigger, it'll just happen. And when I'm sad, how attractive can I be ? How can I be myself when my mind is clouded with worst-case scenarios ? How can I be myself when I'm feeling less than whole ?

I don't know where I got that from. It's just been like that since forever. All I know now is this flaw has damaged many, many relationships that I could've had. I can't blame those women now. How can I possibly expect them to like me when I'm being difficult ?

Before this latest revelation, I was feeling bad about F**. Feeling bad about how things didn't turn out the way I wanted. Feeling bad about how she said no thanks when I offered to take her to lunch.

But you know ? If she doesn't want to go out or see me, that's her right isn't it ? I forgot that she and all the other women are whole other persons with their own lives. They don't owe it to me to follow the script I wrote for them in my play. I often build a fantasy world with the person of the moment in it, unconciously expecting them to fit in that role in real life. I need to put an end to that.

Lainie once commented that I should develop thick skin. She'e bloody right. I'm too sensitive. I get turned away too easily. I overanalyse rejection and read it the wrong way.

Being rejected doesn't mean anything. I should've learnt that long ago. I only hope it isn't too late for the lesson to take effect. I also need to remember that my feelings don't always serve my best interest, if ever at all.

Will I forget this ? Will I be able to correct the flaw ? Who knows ?

At least I wrote this all down. That way I no longer have any excuses if I forget.

*This post was supposed to go up on 30th August but Blogger crapped out on me...