For the last couple of hours I've been drafting a post. A relationship based one. My relationships to be exact. And how they would be of some good to anyone who might be interested in reading it.
It's not finished yet. It's kinda hard to organize thoughts this early in the morning. It'll be posted when it's done, but while doing it I thought up a few other things.
There was a time when I was depressed all the time. I mean ALL the time. That was the time when I fancied one girl after another. Of course, I also got rejected by one girl after another. It didn't help. It went on and on until one day, I woke up and stopped caring about whether I had girlfriend or not. My depression and desperation got so bad, I think it reached its saturation point. Bizarrely, from then on, I felt a lot better. I felt free and more in touch with reality. I was able to do stuff by myself and not ask any stupid questions like,"Why is it that no girl would fall for me ?". (Actually not too long ago someone did get interested but it didn't work out. Reason ? My lack of interest, but this is a whole different story). What caused the change ? I stopped caring about being alone.
I've been reading a lot of entries in other people's blogs about relationships. Most of them very bitter and cynical posts. I could identify with a lot of these. I also felt the same way and in many cases still feel a bit bitter. Here's a story.
Recently, one of my close friends got married. Now this friend had been going out with the same guy for ELEVEN years (don't adjust your monitor and it's not a typo). To me they had the perfect relationship. They had some trouble but they were never in any danger of breaking up throughout the whole time. When they got married, I was happy for her of course. But I'll be honest here. When I look at her and think about what I had to go through, about the amount of effort that I put into finding a girl who would be with me, I felt bitter about it.
I know I shouldn't. Does it make me a bad person to feel like that ? Is it wrong for me to be envious and to think that it's not fair ? I felt bad but then I decided why should I deny my own feelings. Yes it's not fair and yes I'm envious that my friend's relationship worked while I couldn't even start one. But I've simpled things by thinking that, yes I'm bitter. Yes I should entertain the feeling and wallow in my self-pity for while. And of course, to remember that bitterness, like so many feelings we feel, is just that. A feeling. And feelings wil go away. Always.
It don't matter in the end. She's happy and I'm happy too. It's what she wanted. I thought I wanted to be "involved" so to speak, but lately I'm not so sure. I mean relationships are complicated aren't they. If they weren't then soap operas would be so boring to watch. And I've gotten used to being single. It's actually a lot of fun. Also I got a whole lot of stuff I want to do. Right now I want to concentrate on fixing up a few things in my life first, like getting a car. Not having a car around here sucks, because the public transport net is really crap. However having said that, if I did meet someone I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the notion. The best relationships are the unexpected ones after all right ?
Wish me luck
*this post has been subjected to a rewrite. The one I did earlier sucked balls.
mac
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