The Weekend

We watched War of The Worlds last night. It was very good. I enjoyed. Surprisingly enough, I could hear people in the back saying the movie sucked.

Well, what can you say?

Suddenly now I have the urge the look for the original movie. Been a long time since I saw it. I didn't realize how old that movie was until just now.

I think someone should remake Clash of The Titans. With today's technology, it would be great.

The next movie I'm looking forward to is another remake; The Amityville Horror. It looks quite promising. Ryan Reynolds is in it. I like him.

In other news, I bought an optical mouse! For only RM18 (USD4 something). Very very cheap! Unfortunately, I couldn't find the soundcard I was looking for. I could find SB Audigy2, which cost too much.

I will look for it next week.

And talking about next week, something went wrong with our Holliday Inn booking for next weekend. The dates were right, but the Holliday Inn was wrong. Since Damai is booked solid, we're looking for alternatives, one of which is where we would book ONE suite with three rooms instead of three separate rooms. Works just as well, but let's hope we can get a room.

If we don't, looks like we'll just have to miss Rainforest World Music Festival again. Damn.

I had a fine weekend. For me personally, it was nice. For others, not so much. But I'm just chilling and it's fine.

My birthday is this month. Damn.

Also, must remember to update mp3 collection. Lots of new stuff.

Drift!!

I'm tired.

It's been a long, long couple of weeks. Fortunately, we managed to squeeze one month's work into two weeks, so I can take it easier for awhile.

Went and saw Initial D just now. I'm telling you, as far as racing movies are concerned, this one leaves the rest far behind. It was excellent. The Fast and The Furious? Hah! Inferior.

No, it didn't have much of a story. It's anime, only life action, so the storyline is your typical anime story. Which is just fine in my books. I haven't really watched the anime version so I don't know how close this one is to the original.

I must say that in order to really enjoy this movie, one must have at least a passing interest in cars, racing and drifting. Those drift shots were awesome. You just have to see for yourself.

I think I enjoyed this movie most of all because all the cars in the movie can be found cruising the streets right here in Kuching. Toyota Levin/Sprinter Trueno (my neighbour has the exact same model, AE86), Nissan Skyline R-33, Mazda RX-7, Mitsubishi Lancer EVO IV, all familiar cars. And none of the cars were too blinged out either. It made the movie feel really authentic. I've seen many of these cars race right here in my own back yard. But drag racing, instead of drifting. I'm not sure whether Kuching has a drift scene yet.

I can imagine how much reconditioned Truenos will be worth now. I just read that Toyota is actually considering reviving their Trueno/Levin line due to healthy sales of used Truenos in Hong Kong and Japan. All because of a movie/manga/anime series.

The one thing I didn't like about the movie was the half baked romance between the lead, Takumi and Natsuki. That did very little to advance the story. It was actually quite annoying because I felt like it got in the way of more drifting action.

I think I'll load up Need for Speed Underground 2 again and pick up the Toyota Corolla GT-S, which is what it's called in the US.

All in all, I loved Initial D. I wonder what Fast and Furious III would be like. Yes, the movie wasn't even released yet and someone in Hollywood was already planning a rip off. Set in Japan, drift scene, Initial D fans will find the setting familiar.

In other news, I've been rivetted to my monitor at the office by the awesome Crime Library. Note in particular the impressive serial killers section.

I guarantee a fascinating read.

Now, I must go dig my Need For Speed Underground CD and practise drifting. This weekend, I might go and catch War of The Worlds. Should be a good movie, Tom Cruise notwithstanding.

The Things I Did Today

Some of the blogs I like to read contain mostly details about what the writer did on a particular day. I like it. There's a lot of negativity and gravity on the Net, so it's good to read something nonsensical and light. It's a balancing thing.

It might seem like such a mundane thing, writing about what happened today when nothing really important happened. It isn't, not when written with flair and skill. There are some really good writers out there. If you're writing about what the cat did today or what some guy said in the office and make it sound interesting, you must be good.

This is one thing that I'm not so good at. I can rant and whine and complain until the cows come home, but I can't really write your "typical" journal entry with any kind of flair yet. This is why writing is an art, I guess. Some people do it naturally, others have to practise and some others can't do it at all.

It would be quite nice to be artistically eloquent on paper (online?).

So, what I must learn is how to write descriptively, without the need for a heavy subject matter. Just everyday stuff. I think the ability to describe is the key. Maybe if I can get the hang of that, I can write things like stories? Maybe even lyrics. Who knows?

I think the fact that I don't really read fiction might have something to do with that. I've read thousands of books so far but less than a dozen are fictional, I dare say. I read history, technical stuff, general interest books on militaria, and science, things like that. I don't really read novels, poetry and stories.

Maybe that's why.

And while we're talking about art, I think I know what to buy during the next PC fair. I need a soundcard that can change the pitch/key of songs, like a Soundblaster Live!. I was playing around with the guitar this morning, and while I was trying to write down the chords of some songs, I find that a lot of them are downtuned one or two steps.

I supposed I could detune my guitar but that's so troublesome. It's easier if I can uptune the song to match my guitar. And I can't be arsed to manually transpose everything. It's such a pity that my old SB Live died on me last year.

Nevertheless, it's good to have a good guitar again. This morning I was trying out some of the stuff from the Punk Goes Acoustic album. Mostly do-able, but need to transpose. Almost all the bands were using either drop-D or Eb tuning. So inconvenient to change the keys everytime I want to play it using standard tuning.

I tried to play songs like Open Hand's Time To Talk, Yellowcard's Firewater (difficult, fast chord changes), Sugarcult's Memory (very easy), Finch's Letters To You (slow acoustic jam as opposed to the fast electric version) and Cute Without The E (Cut from The Team), which is so very nice. And a few others.

Pop fans would probably not know any of these songs. Oh, and before anyone criticizes my choice of practise material, I'm sorry but pop/emo punk is fun at least to me. I know it's whiny and pathetic sounding but I like it and can relate to a lot of it.

Now, why do I always get defensive when I admit to liking the music that I like? That's a good question. I admit, sometimes I feel self conscious because of it. Why? I don't know.

Anyway, I'm quite busy today so I must go now.

Current Music - Playing Favorites, The Starting Line, Punk Goes Acoustic

Guitars and What Not to Tell a Blogger

I finally got my guitar back! It's as good as new and sounds fantastic with new strings and frets. Actually, it's not my guitar. It's my brothers, but since he didn't really take care of it and since I paid a fortune for repairs and cleaning, I'm claiming it. I think that's fair don't you?



As pricey Lee's Music Centre is, their workmanship cannot be denied. They cleaned it and polished it up so well, the guitar looks and feels brand new! I wish I had taken a "before" picture of the guitar so we can see how dirty and dusty it originally was. Poor guitar, stuck in a store like that all by itself.

Not anymore. Plus, now that I got a decent instrument again I expect to play a little more now. I'm thinking about sending the other guitar out for maintenance. The neck needs a bit of adjustment because right now, the action (the distance between the strings and the fingerboard) is a little high. I can do it myself, but I lost the allen key that came with the guitar and I can't get a replacement key because I don't remember what size it was.

I suddenly thought about the general welfare of musical instruments.

I bet in many homes across the country, there are high quality musical instruments being neglected by their owners who are either too busy to play them or too ignorant of their true value. Makes me sad. I bet some of these are classic antiques worth thousands!

Such a shame. I suggest that people who have neglected instruments sell them. Maybe someone else will take care of it more. That is, if they're not attached to them. It's very, very natural and easy to get attached to a musical instrument. Notice how so many people name their guitars and refer to them as "she"?

There was a time when MTV Asia held a contest as a promo for the movie School of Rock,which I thought was a great movie by the way. The prize? A Gibson SG electric signed by Jack Black (!). In my entire life, that was the first time I submitted an entry for a competition organized by MTV.

I didn't win.

From time to time, I wonder where that guitar is right now. Is it being used as it should, in jam sessions and shows somewhere in South East Asia? Is it being kept as a souvenir (which is fine, as long as its cleaned and kept in working order)? Or was it won by a non-musician who has no flair or interest for music and is now rotting in a closet somewhere in suburbia? I hope not.

That's a damn fine guitar. I hope whoever owns it now will look after it.

And while I'm on about music, I really should play more. A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with some friends when we had an impromptu jam sessions. I was rusty as hell and couldn't really keep up. It's embarassing and sad.

In other news, I hear the PPS Bash was a great success. Accounts of it can be read here and here, complete with many pictures.

And in yet more news, remember that post where I wondered how long would it be before the moral guardian wannabes start mouthing off? Well,..

..ta-da!

I have said before that blogging is a free for all with no rules, but there is one line that should never be crossed.

No one has any right to tell a blogger what to write or how to write.

That would just kill of the very spirit of blogging. What is blogging if not freedom of expression? Especially for us Malaysians, where freedom isn't as free.

Disagree and express your disagreement with anything you see in a blog, but never ask a blogger to retract or rewrite a post. Never dictate the writing style of a blog. That's just not on.

I understand that some people, especially parents, may be concerned that blogs may not be suitable for the younger crowd. Fine, that is acceptable. However, it is not acceptable to urge a blogger to be "responsible" and to be "decent". Do not ask bloggers to think of kids and other people who may be offended or "influenced".

That's not our job. There are far worse things on the Internet than blogs. Trust me on that.

As far as I'm concerned, the responsiblity to prevent kids from accessing unsuitable things on the internet falls on their parents and guardians. They should regulate what their kids see, not people who blog. Do you see porn sites close down because their webmasters are worried that kids might reach them? No. Why not?

Because it's not up to them to prevent kids from accessing their material, that's why.

I hope the whole thing doesn't blow out of proportion and reach the government. The last thing we need now is blogging control. If that happens, I would not know what to do then.

Unfortunately, knowing how some people are in this country and the way the government works, I wouldn't be surprised if it does eventually happen.

Diss

I'm so bloody knackered now it's unbelievable. The last two days at work, also unbelievable. Twelve hours of it a day, non-stop.

I so wish I had the energy to go out...

And yesterday, I went to read some blogs and I had this nice blog post all planned out, something about the fallout of the two news articles about Malaysian bloggers. And the Sarong Party Girl hype.

I had a long post planned out too. But as luck would have it, work got in the way. As an indication of just HOW much work we're talking about, we actually had to call for extra help from a vendor on top of the guy on duty AND two other guys on overtime, including myself.

Since I'm tired I'm going to make this short(ish).

Before I go on, yes I am aware that people are allowed an opinion on everything. I am also aware that it's perfectly acceptable to react to an opinion. I find it less acceptable for people to dish it out and act all shocked when people react to the dishing out. What can one expect when one disses someone else?

So, for all those people who want to diss, if you can't stand the return fire, don't start a firefight. Even if it is online.

I could probably use this advice meself.

Diss me directly or indirectly, I diss you back. Can't deal wit dat ? Then shut the hell up, biatch!

Anyways, I read with some disgust how some people once again, dismiss blogging as a "fad" if it's not something about news and current events and politics. So what's that mean ? That in order to be "relevant", a blogger isn't allowed to post shit about their life or their cars or chicks or whatever else they want to say?

I bet these people don't have blogs themselves. Do the math. Would you trust a person who doesn't play or watch football to make the rules? So what gives these guys the right to dictate the ways and means of blogging?

Ok ok granted people can diss bloggers as a frivolous bunch with too much time on their hands. It's an opinion, that's fine. The insulting pseudo intellectual remarks? Not fine? Not all bloggers are attention whoring teenagers, okay.

Whose to say what matters and what doesn't? Do all people prioritise the same thing? What are we? Sheep? It's my time and since this blog is about me then it's important to me. And so what if it ain't "relevant".

Why does every damn thing we do need to be "relevant" anyway?

I'm not blogging to start a revolution. I blog just for fun and to bitch about things. Like these dumbasses for instance.

You know? They're right. Riding the Mellow and probably 95% of the blogs I read aren't relevant. These blogs don't bring world peace or create awareness of some critical current issue (however sometimes we do weigh in with our USD0.02) or to fight for some cause.

So what if bloggers don't make the world a better place. We don't have to, it's not our job to do any of that.

Looking for "relevance"? Then what the hell are these people doing poking their noses at blogs like mine and those blogs mentioned in the paper the other day?

Wrong place buddy. Looking for shit? Go to a toilet and leave the rest of us on our front porches.

PS. Just in case there's any misunderstanding, I'm NOT dissing the more serious blogs. They're doing a good thing and are good to read. More power to them.

I'm just saying that it's a little to much to expect every blog out there to be like Screenshots, that's all.

Blogging in the News and Some Other Internet Stuff

I've just received some groan-worthy news. Because of some really big thing that's going to happen at work, I'll be extremely busy. I'll have to work one or two extra days a week, starting this week.

For the next one and a half months....

Dammit. The extra money had better be worth it. Depending on how pissed off I am at the end of that period, I'm going to buy something unnecessarily expensive for myself.

However busy I become, at least my boss was kind enough to let me go to RWMF in July. At least I don't have to make any changes to those plans.

And speaking of Rainforest, I might actually just hang at the hotel instead of watching any of the events. I'm actually more interested to people-watch on the day. We'll see what happens.

I'm going to put up a few links before I forget.

First of all, Malaysian bloggers made the news yesterday. Positive news too. This is probably going to sound cynical, but now I'm going to see how long it takes before some moral guardian wannabe starts talking about how blogging is "bad" because no one has any real control over it.

I wish I was kidding, but everyone knows this country is rife with assholes like that. Anyone taking any bets before they start making noises ?

Negativity and cynicism aside, I'm quite please with the local blogging community. It's lively and can be quite influential at times. It's a whole lot better than some other forms of online community that much I can say.

When it comes to blogging, I'm sure a lot of us have read or heard some misgivings from some quarters about things like style or content or the reasons behind blogging or even the perceived behavior of the average Malaysian blogger as opposed to a foreign one. As much as this form of elitism and prejudice irks me, everyone is entitled to a say. Even the trolls.

So what do I say about blogging ? Blog away, for whatever reason. Blog to provide an alternative source of news. Or to talk about life. Or cars. Or sports. Or nothing at all even. Blog just for the hell of it. Or to look for new friends. Maybe find some old ones.

There are no set rules for blogging. The Internet is the new Wild West. You make your own rules.

So go ahead and start a blog, if you haven't already. Don't knock it until you try it. And don't feed the trolls.

In other news, Marina Mahathir came up with another gem of a column. Check it out. When it comes to interracial relations, I guess we, the general public, need to be reminded that our society isn't like what some of our beloved out-of-touch political figures would want us to believe.

It's a good thing to remember.

Finally, last week I found two very good articles about the SUV culture. Good reads, here and here. Now before anything else, I would like to say that I am not biased against people owning SUVs. It's just a vehicle after all. But I do have some problems with SUV drivers who don't give a shit about the rest of the people around them, just because they're bigger and higher.

Drive around town and you'll see what I mean. They are a lot of people who can't drive out there, and some of the worse (try to) drive SUVs. Watch yourself and be careful now.

Somehow, I'm quite certain I'm not the only one who notices bad behaviour among SUV drivers.

Right, it's lunch now. Gotta go. It's going to be a long day today.

*Today was such a busy day, this post took five hours to write.

PS : Reminder, I need to update my blog roll.

Eye of The Beholder

"I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense..
Let me in, let me in to the club, cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and faces."

- LGFUAD, Motion City Soundtrack

There be times that I hear or read things that I find disturbing or offensive, especially when those things are related to me in some way.

But here I have a choice. I could respond and retaliate. Or I could just let it slide. I'm going to let it slide. I'm going to ignore that part of my psyche that screams,"Silence is an admission of guilt !!!" I don't need to deal with things like this. There will be none of that school yard you-hit-me-first-now-I-hit-you stuff going on here.

I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that not everyone I meet is going to like me.

I mean, as a rule people are allowed to pick and choose who they associate with and are, as a rule, allowed to reject unsuitable "candidates", yeah ? And when people reject, for whatever reason, what can you say about that eh ? It's disappointing, but still an undeniable right.

No one is good enough for everyone. That's a fact. Unpleasant. But fact.

That's a funny part about being human. I can pick at, pass judgment and say no thanks to people whom I don't want to hang with. And I think it's fair. I feel it's my right. No offence.

And yet, when I find that people do the same to me, I feel slighted and offended. Yeah, I know. That's a double standard. My double standard. My fault.

Perhaps it's the need for validation from other people that causes that. That's something I need to deal with, however difficult it is to be completely self sufficient. It takes a great deal of conviction and confidence to be that way. It takes a lot to be ok in the face of rejection and criticism.

I guess I never really came to terms with the idea that I, by simply being myself, can rub others the wrong way. I never really accepted the fact that I can be less than what other people want or look for. It hurts the pride to be considered lacking and to know that to some, I'm not worth it.

To some people, I'm all kinds of bad. I may be too boorish or too opinionated or too lacking in tact and finesse. Maybe I'm too simple or too complicated. Perhaps I'm not artful and articulate enough for some people. And for others, maybe I'm not manly or hard enough. And to yet more people, maybe I'm simply too plain without any obvious charm.

To some people, maybe I'm alright. To others, I may not be so good. Or perhaps I'm just nondescript and ordinary for them.

I am a composite of many things, including flaws and shortcomings and more. I can't expect everyone to tolerate those, can I ?

It depends on how or what another person sees, their perception. Good ? Bad ? I cannot control what another person will notice when they see me.

Obviously, I haven't figured how much of myself do I need to change before I can be accused of selling out. Such a fine line isn't it ? What do you do, be true and stick to yourself or give face and try to change.

I'd like to be number one in everyone's book. That's just not possible. As long as people remain different from each other, that's not going to happen. No one can be everyone's friend. There will always be others who don't like what you think, what you do, what you say, what you feel and what you are, for whatever the reasons.

And so, rather than whining about how unfair and unpleasant it is, instead of lashing out and coming out with allegations of mistreatment, I'm going to try and accept it like it is instead. Not everyone is going to think I'm an ok person. That's a fact. No need to think of the whys and the how comes.

It's life and it's people. And that's just the way it is.

Awesome !

My connection is on the fritz again. I'm unable to certain websites and I can't post pictures. Last night I couldn't get online at all. Which is a shame because I wanted to put up a really cool Batman Begins poster.

We watched Batman Begins on Thursday. The verdict ? Absofragginglutely AWESOME ! Michael Keaton ? He ain't the real McCoy, Christian Bale is.

This version of Batman is so far superior to its predecessor, words fail me at the moment. I make a poor film reviewer.

I just knew that a darker, angrier Batman would work better than the Michael Keaton version, not that I didn't like that one. But I always felt that Bruce Wayne/Batman had a certain amount of anger motivating him. We get to see that here.

I like how plausible everything is in this movie. The way Bruce Wayne learnt his skills, how the gadgets work, why did he choose the bat as his totem creature, where did he get his armour and why super villains exist, all dealt with very, very convincingly. Christian Bale did a great job, but my favourite character is probably Michael Caine's Alfred.

He was magnificent. Which is more than I can say for some people. Like Katie Holmes. Her Rachel Dawes character was poorly used, almost the token female. They could've fleshed her out a bit more.

I was very impressed with the rest of the cast too, even the support cast. Look at it, Morgan Freeman, Cillian Murphy, Liam Neeson, Ken Watanabe and Gary Oldman, who looked so vastly different from how he usually looks, I didn't know who he was. Anyway, that's what I call a powerhouse cast.

My only complaint has something to do with the fight choreography. Most, if not all of it was shot a little too close in. It would've been nice to see a wide shot of an alley with Batman fighting off three bandits at once.

I really, really want a sequel. I'm sure there will be.

A lot of movies to watch this next month or so. I'm very much looking forward to it. Next on the to-watch list are:-

• War of the Worlds
  
• Initial D
• Fantastic Four
• Unleashed

I'm sure I'm missed something. I'm also sure I'm going to enjoy them all.

In other news, this evil piece of entertainment software is threatening to engulf my life.

There are good games and there are awesome games. Grand Theft Auto : San Andreas absolutely rocks. This iteration of the game is SO huge, it will literally take months for me to complete.

Therefore, it's quite possible I won't be going out too much. And I might blog a little bit less.


In more news, Rin passed me some CDs with a lot of hard to find stuff like Letters to Cleo, Punk Goes Pop, Punk Goes 80s and a lot of other stuff. And Viggo Mortensen (?)

Am taking time off GTA and sorting through them now.

Same Person, Different People

I was on Torrentspy just now and what did I notice ? A torrent file for the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas PC version DVD. Is it really out for PC already ? How come I didn't know about this ?

Looks like it's time for another trip to the favourite computer games shop on Thursday. That means I'll be somewhere near Kuching Plaza around afternoon.

For those of us gaming fans who haven't played any GTA games before, why haven't you ? Are you nuts ?

Heh, just kidding. GTA is extremely violent and extremely politically incorrect. It's not for everyone. But seriously, there are good games and there are awesome games. Try anything in the GTA line up. Guaranteed fun.

What's not to love about a game that allows you to beat people up, steal cars, run over pedestrians and other things that could get you arrested in real life ? Yes, escapism is nice like that. With GTA, nice upstanding citizens like myself can indulge in our gangsta fantasies and not care.

Having said that, this new GTA is apparently going to be a lot harder than the previous one, since I read somewhere that they boosted the cops this time around. Should be interesting.

I'll find out when/if I buy the game.

I was supposed to write about something else entirely this morning.

I've got Yahoo Messenger and other chat software on my PC. I used to be quite excited about that, but I don't use them much anymore.

I've discovered that I've lost the ability to chat online.

I sound completely different from myself in real life. It's hard for me to decide what to say/type, especially when I'm trying to chat with someone I know. I get this strange case of acute writer's block. I become extremely boring. I have no idea why.

In real life, I'm much chattier than that, and hopefully much less boring. I've speculated and thought about why I'm so different on and offline, but I still don't know why.

And what of this blog ? I'm not sure. Do I sound like this in real life too ? Since it doesn't involve direct, real time interaction with other people, it's a lot less apparent to me. So once again, I can't say whether I sound like my blog in real life.

It's quite likely that I'm at least three different people, with at least two online personas and one offline one. Or maybe, three different sides of the same thing. So which one is the purest one ? Who is the real me ? Which one wears the most masks ?

I should go and ask and expert about this. Anyone know a good sociologist ? Or is that even the right person to ask ?

How true are we to ourselves when online anonymity is taken into account ? Or are we more true because of that anonymity ?

What do you think ?

Simplify

*Cracks knuckles*

Today is going to be quite a hectic day. Some people are on leave. So I cross my fingers and hope nothing major happens that require these people.

Apart from that, I'm going to take it easy today. Just routine stuff, nothing too experimental. The same goes for everything else.

I'm thinking about simplifying my life in general. I do notice that I tend to overthink nearly everything. It's quite exhausting.

So I'm going to take things at face value a lot more now. After all, not everything has hidden meaning and not everyone has an ulterior motive behind every question and every request. The whens, the whys and the wheretofores don't matter all the time. Funny how paranoia makes you think that way. I don't do any of that, and yet somehow I always suspect that everyone else is.

Victim mentality again, probably.

So, I'm going to pay less attention to the perceived threats in life and deal with actual things for a change. Also, leave the future in the future, the past in the past and now in the now. Whatever that means.

At least that's plan anyway. Am I going to do it or is all this just rhetoric ? Don't know yet. Whatever happens, I hope to be a little happier at the end of the day.

In other news, I'm feeling dry blogwise. I actually thought about taking time off from posting. But I'm not gonna set any limits. There is no way I can stay away from blogging without feeling anxiety. It's like cigarrettes, only it doesn't kill you.

Anyway, the real reason why I feel dry is that the introspection has dried up. Closure and acceptance does that. The price for that is a boring blog, I guess. Riding The Mellow will no longer be powered by angst. It's time to find a new power source.

Therefore, I might talk about games, movies and miscellaneous other things a lot more now. Maybe I'll write about other people. Or something else that's not directly related to me. I don't know yet.

Ok then, I must go back to work now. Have a nice day.

Letting Go

Since my last post, I got really busy and couldn't post anything. I was supposed to do some kind of introspective thing, but I can't really remember what it was supposed to be about.

I think it was something to do with letting go and growing up. Something like that. Don't you just hate it when you think of something quite profound to say and yet when you sit in front of the computer, the words won't come out ?

Sheesh.

Anyway, letting go and such.

Sometimes, when I get bored, I go read old blog entries and old comments, as a regular blogger often does I bet.

I should really stop regretting things that happened in the past and just get on with the rest of life. I should just accept that the so-called normal life that I want has eluded me. Time and age has made sure of that.

I should stop feeling like a disgruntled 20 year old trapped in an older person's body. I think I've gotten so used to being down in the emotional dumps, it feels strange to be out of it.

This letting go business is quite hard to do, apparently. It's not the first time I thought of such things. And yet, I fall back into familiar territory and start feeling bad about myself again. It's almost comforting when that happens. Hard habit to break, it is.

This is what victim mentality is, isn't it ? Am I using my so-called misfortune as an excuse not to try and move on ? Might be.

Pride can be very troublesome. It prevents me from making do. It makes me ask why I don't have what other people have. Stuff. Satisfaction. Relationship. Any number of other things. Yeah, I'm guilty of being overly proud sometimes. I feel like I deserve all the things that I want, and stamp my feet when I can't get them. I feel like the world owes me.

Whether or not the world actually owes me, that's not really the point is it ? I should realize by now that most of the things that happen to people happen to them whether or not they "deserve" it.

I thought about all that while I was playing my computer games and felt quite at ease. Things happen. Or sometimes, didn't happen when I wanted them to. Sometimes I was the one who messed things up. I made mistakes. I regret. I wish I could go and change and fix things more to my liking.

But no amount of wishing will change those things. I'll have to live with them.

Of course, what-if scenarios are quite fun to discuss, so I won't shy away from that. But perhaps now I can ask what-if and not feel guilty ?

And of course, sometimes I will put up one of those "oh woe is me" posts. I'd be very naive if I thought that things will change from now on. It's healthy to rant once in a while.

One last thing, just as a reminder. I should stop wanting things that are obviously bad for me. I should be brave enough to walk away from such things, no matter how enticing, regardless of the paranoia that I could be throwing something away. Certain things aren't worth the pain they can bring. The juice may be good, but sometimes is not worth the squeeze.

I am not a victim. I am not desperate.

Here endeth today's rather ambiguous post.

Current Music - Swing Life Away (Acoustic) - Rise Against, Punk Goes Acoustic

Some Game Stuff

There should be a picture here. I'll post one when I get home.

What a pleasant day. I'm at work and am about to go off soon, after only six hours on the clock. Six short hours. Six short OVERTIME hours I might add.

I did something for Wikipedia last night. I corrected, rearranged and cleaned up an entry about the Sichuan Invasion. It's not complete though, some of the original entry was incomprehensible gibberish. I'm also not entirely sure of it's historical accuracy.

The original entry was in pretty bad shape. It seemed like the original contributor took the info from a non-English source, put it through Babelfish and posted the results.

Posting on Wikipedia will have to wait while I try to master its formating style. I did start my P-47 Thunderbolt research though, I hope I can finish that someday. Imagine that, an entry in an encyclopedia written by me.

And now for some gaming news, so for those who aren't interested, you people can skip the next paragraph or so.

I downloaded and installed a very, very well done mod for Call of Duty : United Offensive. What it does is that it replaces all the ingame weapon sounds, made some corrections to the names of items, made all the weapons more realistically deadly and other minor cosmetic changes here and there. The new sounds are superb. I suspect that some of the sounds were taken off Saving Private Ryan. That's just fine by me.

Long rifles (bolt action and semi auto) now kill with one shot in head or torso or cause a lot of damage if other areas of a body are hit. Sub-machine guns can kill with short burts, two to three hits. Light and heavy machine guns are so deadly now, they post a real tactical problem as opposed to just being mildly annoying, pre-mod. This time around, the MG-42 canvas ripping sound makes me flinch. As in real life. That thing tears people apart in milliseconds now.

Grenades are properly done now too. The German stick grenade does half the damage as the Allied pineapples. The mod also removes the crosshairs. I found this to be a lot of fun. Now I need to use iron sights a lot more and hip shooting is only practical at short range.

I appreciate historical accuracy in my shooting games. Adds to the atmosphere.

And finally, a little bit of introspection.

I'll do this later when I'm at home.

Let's Wiki !

"Please don't go crazy, if I tell you the truth
No you don't know what happened
And you never will if
You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall
This blanket is freezing, it's been out in the hall
Where you've had me for hours
Till I'm sure what I want
But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before
So sweetheart tell me what's up I won't stop no way"

- How to be Dead, Snow Patrol, Final Straw

Guess what my current favourite song is ?

Oh man, that song is absolutely brilliant. Snow Patrol rocks ! I love their lyrics.

Aside from that, there is a new hobby I'm contemplating.

At work, I've been spending a lot of time perusing through entries at Wikipedia. A free encyclopedia, what a brilliant idea !

I've been reading articles on things relating to World War 2, history, battle details, machinery, units involved, etc. I found quite a few entries that are either non-existent or incomplete.

I have many, many books on World War 2. Included in some of those books are details about these very same incomplete entries.

I'm thinking about contributing. Yes ! Then I can pretend to be all scholarly and borrow my dad's reading glasses.

I also have other references at home that I could use to flesh out other stuff on Wiki. Like details of the legendary P-47 Thunderbolt. And German U-Boat classes. And many others.

Encyclopedias are fun. I grew up reading one. I learn how humans reproduce through it. Talk about getting to the source.

I notice that a lot of people don't really read anymore. Such a shame. Books are cool.

Anyway, about Wiki. I wonder how comprehensive are the entries about Malaysia. I'm going to check now.

Oh yes, before I forget, I must mention that Wiki is open source and anyone can edit and add entries. ANYONE !

I'm going to reread their posting and editing policies and get started as soon as I get that sorted out.

Later then.

Current Music - Grazed Knees, Snow Patrol, Final Straw

Some Pictures

Finally I'm able to put up some pictures.



I like this one. I have many pictures of the sky, taken at different times of the day. And talking about the sky...



...here's what it looks like from the jungle floor.



Some rocks at the waterfall. This picture was actually quite blur, but fortunately it looks alright when I reduced the size.

All this pictures were taken around the Singai area not far from a friend's house.

In other news, there's not much to tell. Except maybe.... nah, that is for another time when I feel like talking about it.

Later.

A Post About Work

Isn't it brilliant? I finish sorting through the new pictures I took last week. I resize them. I'm about to post them and what happens?

Photojerk is inaccessible. Looks like those pics will have to wait until next time. Maybe in the morning or something.

I'm actually thinking about buying a new camera. The one I have is fine, but I want one with faster autofocus and more settings. Maybe one with a manual mode, so I can play with shutter speeds and exposure and things like that.

So many things to buy. So little money. Lets see, right now I want:-

- New wheels for the car.
- Subwoofer/amp.
- New frets for the guitar. And new strings.
- New soundcard for the PC.
- New chair.

All that, plus the necessary expenses like gas, food, drink, DSL etc, means more money needed. I think I'll buy the chair and fix the guitar first. Do the cheap stuff first.

Today, I find myself feeling extremely jaded with my work. It is very possibly an artificial feeling, induced by fatigue, boredom or hormonal imbalance again.

But still, I'm feeling kind of jaded with my job. It feels extremely boring tonight.

I'll try to think positive, up thoughts and remind myself how hard it is to get a job around here these days. I'm going to think about how much I get paid, which is a decent enough amount.

Working in a large private company can feel terribly inpersonal sometimes, where it's more about the bottom line then it is about people. I'm just one guy among hundreds/thousands, working to make a few select individuals get even richer than they already are. Not that there's anything wrong with that. At least the environment is nice and political bullshit is at a minimum. At least I got that to be happy about.

I don't intend to stick around forever though. I'd like to eventually do something that makes an immediate difference in people's lives. Damn if I know what I really want to do. I want to do things on my own instead of working for someone else. Maybe one day?

Maybe I'm missing the contact that I used to have with customers when I worked my previous job? Maybe I want to do something that allows me to meet and talk to people.

Or maybe, I'm just thinking like this because I'm bored and it'll all go away later or in the morning.

The important thing about working is, I guess, the realization that what I do is necessary for me to be able to live properly. Sometimes it's necessary to do things that I don't like or don't feel like doing. My job's not the most noble thing but at least it pays the bills and allows me to have some fun.

Other than this rather bored feeling, everything is fine. The hours tick by and this will improve, probably.

Tonight is also one of those times when I feel like writing a long, long post, except that I'm not sure what I want to write about.

I'll try to remember to post those pictures in the morning.

Current Music - Playing Favorites (Acoustic) - The Starting Line, Punk Goes Acoustic

Some Stuff in the Papers

I shall now post some random stuff to occupy my time here at the office.

Firstly, another excellent, as well as timely column by Marina Mahathir, one of my favourite columnists. I admire her a lot, for being fearless in expressing opinions contrary to the country's political norms and for her work to create HIV/AIDS awareness.

She rocks. She had a book out a few years ago, a collection of some of her Musings articles, published in The Star. Great read.

I hope she'll come out with Volume 2 soon.

Here's another fascinating story about hangmen in Malaysia.

Personally, I'm for the use of the death penalty. Some crimes are just too heinous for the guilty party to be left alive. For example, rape/murder. In my mind, it's quite simple. You rape. Your victim dies. You die. Especially if they're kids. Or maybe for that instance, a firing squad would be more appropritate.

And talking about crime, there's this story about a kid who got beaten up in school and who is now partially paralysed.

As a former victim, I feel very, very strongly about bullying in school. I'm not the right person to ask what to do about bullies. It's a hard topic to think about rationally. It fills me with quite a bit of anger and not a little hate.

I remember them, their faces, their names, the things they did. Most of them now are at the lower end of society, eking out a living. No, I don't feel sorry for them. They nearly destroyed me and any self worth that I had as a child and I still can't get over some of the damage. They deserve every ounce of pain and hardship they get now.

They had it coming.

As for the kids who beat up Afiq, suspend them, try them as juveniles and if found guilty, send them away to Henry Gurney. Or jail, since they're 17 right now. Let's see how "strong" and "macho" these bastards are. Or a salt mine somewhere.

If it were up to me, I'd sit them in the middle of the school football field, make them kneel, shoot them in the gut with a small calibre pistol and leave them to bleed to death.

I guess it's good that it's not up to me.

If it is true that the school's principal and teachers tried to cover this up, sack them.

Enough of this. I can feel myself getting pissed off.

In other news, broadband is going to be cheaper and more efficient, so says the Energy, Water and Communications Ministry. I'm not going to hold my breath. It's the government talking here. They talk a lot, but do a lot less.

However, it's great that they're going to open things up a bit and break Telekom's monopoly. Should be good for consumers, like me.

I hope it happens when they say it will. But I'm not holding my breath.

And finally, Superkumquat tagged me with a meme about DVDs. The problem is, I haven't finished doing my DVD inventory yet.

I'll do the meme as soon as I can. That should make a good post.

Back 2 Life

I need a new chair.

I saw a nice one that won't bust a hole in my wallet on Saturday at Courts. It's incredibly difficult to find a nice, comfy chair that isn't expensive. It's also quite amazing how so few places actually sell loose chairs i.e ones that are not part of a set.

Or maybe I'm not looking hard enough, or in the right places.

I want one of those swivelly office-type chairs that I can lean back on, preferebly with arm rests. The one I have now is actually a dining chair, wooden and straight-backed.

Not the most comfortable thing to sit on for a marathon computer game session.

I think I'll get one next week. Probably.

Today is Monday, which means I go back to work this evening. I will go with some reluctance. I had a nice, long spell away from work.

I simply have to try and go for a week long holiday. Soon maybe.

The crappy thing about having a nice holiday is that it has to end. And I always have this paranoia that in order to keep the balance, something horrible will happen the week after. For once, I'd like to have fun and not worry about negative karmic repurcussions.

So today, I will resume the mundane stuff that most of life is made of (unfortunately).

I went to visit some friends on Friday night. I'm suddenly thinking how appropriate it would be to have a Star Wars convention in Kota Padawan (literally, Padawan City or Padawan Fortress). We talked about it and by the end of the conversation, no one could speak due to too much laughing. Especially that part when one of my friends said he's going to go home to Padawan and ask his granddad about his lightsabre and where did he put it.

It sounds a lot funnier in real life.

My friend's kampung is Kampung Padawan. For those who don't know, Kampung (or Kota) Padawan is a mostly Bidayuh village not far from the city.

Oh yes, I should mention the jokes about Jedis being trained at SMK Padawan (village secondary school). Yeah, we had a roaring good time.

Life isn't too bad right now. The first half of the year's been relatively good to me. I really, really hope the second half will be as good.

Actually, I want more. I want fate to give me a break.

I want this next six months to be in my favour. I hope I will get some money (at least I got a raise, so that's a plus). I want one of my crazy projects to take off. I want to be in situations where I'm the one who comes out on top, simply by just showing up and standing around with my hands in my pockets.

I want to be the one who gets lucky, as opposed to some other person who shows up and stands around with his hands in his pocket. I want someone else to feel frustration and ask why, instead of me. I want to win for a change.

I want to meet someone and get involved in a relationship that actually works. I want to be able to do that without walking on eggshells and constantly worry that something I do or say or don't do or don't say will screw the whole thing up.

Selfish? Yes. But why should I feel bad about it. I want good fortune. What's so bad about that?

But this being my life, nothing is that simple and nothing I want ever comes without cost or without fine printed clauses.

I wish it wasn't like that.

Gawai Aftermath

Is it me, or does Streamyx seem sluggish today.

I'm feeling extremely dry right now. I got quite smashed last night. Therefore, my Gawai is complete. As an indigenous person, not getting drunk during the harvest festival is like not celebrating it. Must get stoned.

And I did.

Anyway, I think up to this point this afternoon, I think I've drunk 3 litres of water. Which helps.

Lester just called. I'm supposed to go visit him later.

Where were we last night ? Oh yes, drink. At Leon's place. As usual with any festive occasion at Leon's, drinks were served.

Beer, Night Train, beer, baccardi and two different kinds of tequila. It was awesome.

All our friends were there. Jerome, Rin, Will, my brother, Syuk, Raven and Trimas. I think I got everyone there.

We used to do this a lot. Gather somewhere, pop open a few bottles, get drunk and tell stories and ribald jokes.Nowadays, everyone's kind of busy so we don't do it so much.

By the end of the evening, some of us had to leave early while some of us passed out on the pavement and some of us threw up. Ahh, good times.

I took many pictures. Leon went one extra and took a video of some of us cackling madly. It was very funny.

I might post one or two.

We also went to Kampung Singai to visit Will at his parents' kampung (village) house. Another Gawai feature, a trip to the rural parts of the state. It wasn't very far, maybe 35 minutes of leisurely driving. My brother for some odd reason managed to fail to notice the two red cars we parked by the road side and overshoot to some other place far, far away. He made it in the end but that was still quite weird. How do you not notice two red cars parked by the road ?

Later, Will took us to a waterfall nearby. That was cool. The water was great. Too bad we were dressed wrong. Next time we go here, I'm bringing shorts.

The place is quite out of the way and not too many people go there. And for good reason. The trail up to the waterfall was quite tricky. Definitely not safe for the less gainly amongst us.

I took many pictures. Will put them up once I sort through them.

Gawai 2005 has been a good one, with many friends to hang out with and more (hazy) memories to savour. I'm going out again to visit some more friends.

Happy Gawai everyone and may the next year's harvest be as bountiful, whatever it may be.

Once You Start Down the Dark Path...

An internet quiz, taken of My Two Bits.


Green is your Lightsaber's color.

Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth,
harmony, and freshness. Green has strong
emotional correspondence with safety. Green is
also commonly associated with wealth and
happiness, so someone with a green lightsaber
like yourself is a fortunate soul.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fortunate soul ? I somehow find that funny. And not in a humourous way. Fortunate ? Funny how I don't feel like that on some days.

There are times in life when it's hard to feel blessed and grateful. It takes a big person to see light in dark times. I guess I'm not as big as I thought. That's a disappointment.

Remember when we were children and so full of idealism ? We thought we were The Good Guys, holding the fort against the so-called Bad Guys. We wanted to be heroes, steadfast and true.

We grow up and along the way we find that many truths are actually half-truths or worse, pure lies. The good guys don't always win. Hard work guarantees nothing. Being a good person doesn't exempt you from hurt and betrayal, it in fact make it easier for people to use and discard you. Things don't work put the way your parents and your elders tell you.

We become jaded and cynical. Some of us give in to sorrow, hate, anger and pain. Slowly, the dark side beckons.

It's deceptively easy to fall. And worse, when it happens you don't realize it before it's too late.

I think about it sometimes. Where do I stand ? Am I still Good ? Or have I succumbed and given up ?

I like to think that I'm a good person. Am I still ?

There are days when I think that I am not as good as I think I am, that contrary to what I imagine, I'm not The Good Guy. I might just be a bit player or worse. I find that very disturbing.

Life is hard and really effective at squeezing the good out of people isn't it ?

In other news, I've been entertaining myself by reading episode summaries of The Twilight Zone.

I've seen many horror movies and things like that, but some Twilight Zone episodes make my blood run cold. A writing tour de force, no doubt.

I'll write more about the Twilight Zone and other horror/thriller anthologies when I wake tomorrow (hopefully).

Why?

Note: Introspective emotional garbage again.

I've been trying TWO days to post something that I've been thinking about. TWO whole days.

Why so difficult? I'll be honest and say that it's because I do not want to appear:-
a) Bitter
b) Immature
c) Pathetic
d) All of the above

But alas, I cannot feign bravery and stoicism. Pathetic, weak, whatever right? Perhaps I am all these. Perhaps why I find it so difficult to whine nowadays is that I want to deny these things, hide the truth from everyone, present a good, solid front.

If I appear to be any or all of the above or any other thing I didn't mention, then that is part of who I am. What can I say, except maybe sorry? I know friends read this, friends who maybe wishing that I'm "all better" nowadays. I'm sorry.

So here it is, the return of the introspective post. Thank you.

"Why are you still single? Hey you need to find someone soon man. How old are you already? Other people your age have family already. You can't even find a girlfriend. "

"Aren't you worried about what your parents might think?"

I don't know the answers. Except that last question, maybe. They never say, but I'm quite certain that their kind of disappointed. I see my mom dote on The Cat and I can almost see that she wishes that at least one of her children would settle down already and produce grandchildren, pronto.

I feel sorry for them. They can't rely on me for that. Not anytime soon. Not ever, probably. At least, my two brothers are in better shape than I am when it comes to that. Neither one of them have my luck when it comes to the opposite sex. They're both more attractive and have more charm and younger than I am. It's not too late for them yet.

Thank goodness for that.

I wish I could say that it's other people who are being nosey. But I too wonder why and I too yearn for it. These days, I can deal with being single well enough. But somedays, it does get real lonely out here.

Yes, I still wish there was someone there. Why do I feel so weak when I say that? Why do I want to shake my head and hit Del when I write that? Why should I feel guilty about it?

It doesn't help that my peers are walking around with their long term girl friends in tow, getting engaged and getting married left, right and centre. It gets worse when I see other people I know do these things. People younger than me. Much younger.

I wonder how they do it. I wonder why when I try it, I fail. And fail.

I can't help but feel slightly bitter and left out. I can't help but ask if they can do it, why can't I ? Is it SO difficult? Am I so lacking in the qualities that would render me capable of being in a relationship? Never mind being in one, how about STARTING one. I'd settle for that right now.

Is it really me? What's wrong? Is it really because I'm too short? Too old? Too boringly average? Too emotionally wrecked? Too...too..some other thing that I don't know about?

Do the Fates really hate me THAT much to toy with my life by letting me have wants and desires that I cannot possibly fulfil?

I sometimes feel like something IS really wrong with me. Why wouldn't I think so? Everytime I start whatever attempt, it ends so badly.

I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I'm not interested. I don't think/look at you like that. You're too [insert flaw here]. What? With you? Hahahahahahaha.!!!

These are the sounds I keep hearing.

I should get used to it. I can't. Can anyone get used to being rejected? To being alone when they don't want to be? Can anyone show me how?

Once, only once, there was someone who did like me a lot. But I didn't like her back the same way. I thought it would be unfair to her, so I let her go. She begged to stay but I said I can't pretend to be in love with her when I'm not.

I tried. I honestly did. But she wasn't the one. Or was she?

I can't help thinking now that maybe that was It. She was supposed to be the one. I was never supposed to be in a blissful, happy relationship, just a mediocre one. I can't help thinking how I might have unknowingly thrown away the only workable relationship that I've ever had.

And now, I pay.

Perhaps, I'm just too ordinary to deserve the kind of happiness that I want? Nothing special, so why should I get something like that right? Get real and just have to make do right? After all, does Quasimodo deserve a Princess?

Is that how the world works? Can someone tell me how? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

So, how to answer these questions?

I don't know. I don't know why I'm still single at 32.

I don't know why I can't start a relationship. I don't know why I cannot meet somebody who likes me whom I can like back and vice versa. I don't know why I can't stop wanting and wishing and yearning for a relationship. I don't know why I can't seem to enjoy being single.

I don't know. I don't know.

War and Games

Let's get something down first before I inevitably forget.

Remember the excellent HBO miniseries Band of Brothers ? Did you enjoy it ? I know I did.

There's going to be another one ! This time set in the Pacific and it will be called The Pacific War. Read the sypnosis, it sounds quite fascinating. This time the story will be told from the point of view of a USO troupe travelling around the Pacific during WW2. Filming is suppose to begin around now.

This is great !

I have friends, family and neighbours who are either still in the armed forces or have been in the armed forces. I have a healthy respect for soldiers.

I like war films and I play war games, but that does not mean that I glorify or approve of war in any way. I have no illusions about the so-called "glory" of it. I've read the books written by soldiers and I've heard stories from veterans and other older people who remember events from The Emergency and The Confrontation. There's nothing glorious about it. War is dirty business.

The reason why I write this disclaimer of sorts is that I've been accused of being a war fan due to my interests in things like weaponry and military things. I find this quite insulting.

Guns and weapons don't make war. Technology does not make war. People do. Just because I like guns and jet fighters doesn't mean I'm raring to go to war. So-called "army freaks" like myself are not why wars happen. For the causes of war, we need to look at politics and religion. Put the blame where it lies please.

Ok, now that's out of the way, I feel much better.

And talking about war, remember the excellent first person shooter Call of Duty ? I went to Gametrailers last night and I'm so happy to see that the sequel Call of Duty 2 will be out very soon. Of all the shooters that I've played, none comes as close as the Call of Duty series when it comes to reproducing the noise and chaos of modern warfare. The levels and scenarios in the game can be brutal at times.

It made me wonder if I could cut it if I were caught in similar situations in reality. It gave me even more respect for soldiers.

The new Call of Duty will be excellent for sure. From what I've seen, there will be a British campaign in Western Desert (Desert Rats ?!) and a beach landing with what looks like US Army Rangers scaling a cliff (Pointe Du Hoc ?). It should be a blast to play these levels.

There's also a version of the game called Call of Duty : Big Red One. Too bad I don't have a PS2. Yet.

In other news, I know of some people who would be quite disappointed to read me waffling about video games instead of the usual introspection :-D. What can I say, I don't have much to write about these days.

Earlier this evening, I did in fact start writing a bitter, ranty, introspective piece. But as the night wore on, I started feeling much better so I'm shelving that post.

So is my life getting better ? Have things really changed ? Not really. What has changes is probably how I look and react to things. One might say that my so-called stride has widened a bit. I guess being old has its good points after all.

But not to worry introspection fans, the angsty posts will return in due time. After all, I still have all those familiar emotions and thoughts boiling under the surface. I still feel a bit lonely at times and I still yearn for a relationship occasionally. Even more so when a festival comes along.

Like Gawai. But alas, there's little that I can say about it now that I've not said before.

Meanwhile, I take everything in stride and move on. Hopefully, it'll happen when it does and I hope I won't have to wait too long.

Live Music

Earlier this evening, I went to watch Sarawak Symphony Orchestra's production of "Trial by Jury". It was highly entertaining. This was the first time I've been to a live musical production.

Such is my luck, living in this ah beng infested cultural wasteland that is Kuching.

It was better than I expected. Midway, there was some slightly glitchy sound but that wasn't the fault of anyone but the sound man.

I had forgotten how wonderful it is to hear a good choir sing, and this despite having been in two different choirs back in school. The harmonies are breathtaking. The play itself was unlike anything I've ever seen. It was excellent.

If my job had a more normal schedule, I would like to ask how to get in the choir. It would be great to be in a choir again.

Recorded sound and music is good by itself, but there's something magical about a live performance whatever it might be. Even a jam session by a crappy band can sound good if the players have the right attitude. I remember back in school, aside from the choir I was also in a band, as well as filling in when school mates go for their spontaneous jam sessions. Especially when they needed a drummer. I haven't played in so long, I think I may have forgotten how.

And playing live in front of an audience ? Nerve wracking, but exhilirating at the same time. Totally indescribable.

Someone asked me before, if I had to choose, would I rather be blind or deaf ? I would rather be blind. As bad as a dark world is, a world without music is much, much worse. Music is life, after all.

Later the whole bunch of us went to have dinner and somewhere along the line my blogging frequency came up again.

The truth is, I'm still finding it difficult to post presently. Last night, I did feel like posting but I was suddenly feeling low so I decided to skip it and go to sleep instead.

I trying to avoid thinking too much and posting when my mood is bad nowadays. The thing about low moods is that they don't last. And I no longer wish to be defined by my low cycles.

I'm the type who likes to babble when I'm depressed. This has not served me in a good way.

Most definitely, if I feel crappy I would post. After all, as I keep mentioning this blog came about because of that. But only if my angst was real and not a case of cyclic melancholy.

Like tonight, I'm not feeling so good actually. But I'll be fine in the morning, I know this. No time to think about my life. I think I'll do that when I'm more rational.

And to anyone else who's feeling crappy right now, go get some rest. Perhaps your head will clear up in the morning.

Have a good night.

Then and Now and Net

There is something wrong with Blogger again. I can't seem to insert links when I use "Compose" mode. Looks like I have to hard code this post with HTML.

Bummer...

I don't like code. I get confused by it.

I bought a feathered ball toy thing for The Cat today. She likes feathery things. She's been playing with it for a while now.

There are no new games out, at least none that I'm interested to play. There's no new thing to write about either.

I use this blog to complain. That's what it started out as. It's been quite effective in that it helped purge me of a lot of baggage. If only I started blogging back in secondary school. That would've probably turned me into a slightly better person. I should've.

Except that during the 1986-1991 period, the Internet didn't exist yet, as least not widely anyway. Kids these days, so damn lucky with their mobile phones and the broadband and all this new fangled telecommunications stuff.

Back in those days, we had to plan appointments well in advance including things like place and time to meet. One tiny misunderstanding and the whole thing would have to be called off.

No such thing as split second calls or smses on a cell phone, no sirree.

I remember how useful public phones were.

When someone liked someone else, the only low risk way to tell that someone was to write a letter. Yes, a letter as in paper and ink with handwriting. Or typewriter. Or one of those corny notes you pass through a middleman.

I used to play middleman in class. That was funny.

Nowadays, all you need is email.

I can only imagine how much money my current contacts would cost me in stamps. Thank goodness for email.

The world seems so much smaller and much less difficult to comprehend nowadays. Technology is cool like that. Or in this case, the Net.

Without the net, I wouldn't have met and gotten to know half the people I know now.

It's funny when I remember back in the early nineties when some people insisted that Internet use would be bad for social skills.

As usual with naysayers, that was wrong. I suppose it would be true if by using the Net someone cuts themself off from other people.

Technology is not the bad here. Antisocial people are antisocial, whether or not they are online.

Excuse me, I will go play with The Cat now and download more music.

Nineteen Thousand and Counting

As of 7.05am local time this morning, my hit meter registered 19000 hits. Not bad for a non-descript personal website will almost no relevant content, eh ?

I'm posting less frequently nowadays. Partly due to being busier, partly due to a more eventful social surrounding and partly due to the relative lack of angst and disatisfaction. So I might have to change focus again to make things slightly more interesting.

Rin and myself have been taking quite a few photos lately. I haven't had the time to put them up yet, but some of the photos really look good. Last night, she wanted to stop by at the Waterfront and take more pictures but there was no place to park. Such a shame, for the sky was clear and the moon was full last night.

Near the River Barrage there is a great place to take photos especially on a clear night. I especially like the sky's reflection on the surface of the water. It's gorgeous. Unfortunately, my camera is not capable of picking up enough light to take a good picture of it. I tried a few times already and all I got was darkness. It's too damn bad.

I can't believe Gawai is just a week away. I guess I've been more wrapped up with other things than I thought. Usually I'll start talking about it a month in advance. I'll be having a long break Gawai week. It'll be a good time to catch up on some rest and merry making. I think this year's festivities will be a bit less exciting than last year's. All of us got too busy to really plan anything. The other boring thing is that I'll be working on Gawai eve.

Gawai week is quite significant for me personally. It falls in June, the halfway point of the year. Imagine that, half the year gone in a blink of the eye. Or so it feels like. All things considered, it's been quite a good year so far. I've enjoyed it.

Aside from the last night's sky, hits and Gawai there's nothing much to report right now. Perhaps I can think of something tomorrow when I get off work ? I'll put up some pictures when I get home. I must remember to bring that camera more often.

Talking about the night sky, I read that the Voyager I space probe is on the verge of leaving the system into interstellar space. This is exciting. I've been following the progress of Voyager 1 (and it's sister Voyager 2) on and off since I was in primary school. And here it is, still running(!) and about to go someplace where nothing manmade has ever been before.

The unknown. So frightening and yet so compelling at the same time....

I Have a Bad Feeling About This...

Warning : Long geeky post about Star Wars

I feel a great disturbance in the Force.

I feel strangely anxious, like I forgot something or did something wrong without realizing it. I wrack my brain and could think of nothing real as such, however. Perhaps a spot of blogging with help remove this..... discomfort, this restlessness.

It's probably nothing. I sometimes get like this, especially in the morning. It should go away by lunch (I hope).

I expect to have a quiet day in the office today. It's a public holiday and there will be no one here but myself. I'm quite grateful for that.

I don't think I'm in any shape to deal with difficult callers today.

I had great fun last night as we watched Star Wars : Episode III Revenge of the Sith. There were 23 of us in the same group. We would've looked very impressive if we had gone ahead with that crazy idea of dressing up as storm troopers/scout troopers/clone troopers/commandos.

I'm rather saddened. It is the last Star Wars movie to be made. An end of an era. Another part of my childhood officially drawn to a close. A bittersweet experience.

The movie itself was as I expected. I was satisfied by it.

George Lucas once confessed that he isn't much of a writer when it came to scripts. He's right.

Let's get the cheesy dialogue out of the way first. Yes, there's lots of cheese here, predictably between Padme and Anakin. Prepare to gag as Padme talks about babies and lakes and gardens and other mushy stuff. Prepare to throw up when Anakin opens his mouth.

It wasn't all bad though. I thoroughly enjoyed Anakin's subtle "Oh shit !" look when he found out that Padme was pregnant.

There are many other instances of crap dialogue, but I'll need either a second screening or a transcript to quote them. Besides I'm sure many people haven't watched ROTS yet, so I think I should bring down the spoiler count.

The other disappointing thing is.... no Imperial March ! How could they not play the Imperial March !?

And now, on to the good.

1. Artoo. Who doesn't love the precocious astromech droid ? Is it even possible for me to add any more to the countless words of adoration that have been written about the dustbin on wheels ? No it is not possible.

In general, Artoo is cool. In ROTS, Artoo rocks. It says much about the acting in the movie when one of the most endearing characters is a droid with no meaningful lines.

Ok I may be a bit biased about Artoo. But it's my blog, so there. I also have this nagging feeling that the poor thing got downgraded or cannibalised for spares before he appeared again in The New Hope (Ep. IV).

2. Lightsabre fights. Lightsabres make Star Wars what it is. If not, then Star Wars would be just another space flick. Watching a Star Wars movie without lightsabres would be quite similar to watching porn without the sex, don't you agree ?

Swashbuckling movies with nobles, pirates and rogues have this magical romanticism about them. Ditto movies with lightsabre fights. In fact, I dare say if it weren't for lightsabres Star Wars would suck quite a bit.

Alongside cheesy dialogue and dustbinlike droids, ROTS is lightsabres galore. There's more lightsabres here than you could shake a lightsabre at. It's a lightsabre convention complete with missing limbs, decapitation and bad in-fight dialogue (with extra cheese). And Mace Windu and his BMF purple sabre ! And Yoda !! And the Emperor !!! And things like Force Push and Force Drain !!! And trachea crushing !!!! And...and.... I could go on.

Syuk said that he thought they used too many close-ups when shooting the sabre fights and I'm inclined to agree with him. It would've looked so much better if they had zoomed out a little bit more.

But whatever my misgivings are, the lightsabre duels are still awesome.

3. Ominous familiarity. The first two prequels didn't have much of any visual link with the original trilogy. They might as well have been stand alone movies. In ROTS, things start to get familiar.

The stormtroopers start to look like how they used to, albeit more colorful. In fact, I might actually like the colorful armour more than the plain, boring white ones in the original trilogy.

Starfighter designs got closer to the ones in the original. Precursors to familiar ships like TIE fighters, X-Wings and the Cygnus shuttle (for those who didn't know, the shuttle Tydirium in Return of the Jedi was of this type) make their debuts.

Starship-wise, the thing that really made the circle complete was the appearance of Bail Organa's ship, the Corelian Corvette Tantive IV. No, there is no mention of the name of the ship anywhere in the movies but that is what it's called.

It was quite the moment when I saw what was to be the very ship Leia would use twenty years later fly into frame. It was still fast, new and shiny too.

The creep inducing familiar thing is obviously Emperor Palpatine himself. He looks and sounds just like I remembered, except maybe more maniacal.

And the final direct link between ROTS and the original Episode IV is the contruction of a certain..... battlestation.

4. Vader. The reason why I (and many millions of others, I'm sure) was so looking forward to ROTS. He looks more menacing and less whiny with the suit on. My only gripe is that the suited Vader had too little screen time.

5. Other random goodness. Luke and Leia ! I love the scenes when they were delivered to their respective adoptive families. I especially like the scene when Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen were looking out towards the horizon while holding Luke. Luke's theme was playing in the back ground. This is my next favourite piece of Star Wars music after the theme and the Imperial March.

I thought the big space battle over Coruscant was brilliantly done. It was incredible.

Wookies ! Tarful !! (the Wookie leader). For those people who played Star Wars : Republic Commandos it's cool that we got to see Tarful again. I like wookies. But somehow I didn't really like Chewie being in this movie. He seemed out of place.

General Grievous. He got taken out way too soon. I thought he was great. He could've been made more dangerous. He should've had more screen time too. I'd rather watch and listen to Grievous cough than listen Padme and Anakin talk to each other.

Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi ! In The Phantom Menace, he wasn't very impressive. In Attack of the Clones, he was a little better but he struck me as rather anal retentive. In ROTS, Obi-Wan started acting more like the Ben Kenobi that I remember. He was consumate and professional. Ewan McGregor did a great job here.

Obi-Wan's pet lizard thingy was quite interesting as well.

Mace Windu ! Poor sucker got force-drained but he was good while he lasted. Heck, it's Samuel L. Jackson man. And purple lightsabre = badass.

Order 66. ROTS's "Oh nooo !!" moment. Big creep factor here. Watch and see what I mean.

Yoda ! Like Artoo, the best characters in the Star Wars universe are always the small ones (except Han Solo who obviously isn't small). But personally, I kinda like crazy Empire Strikes Back Yoda more than the more sane one here.

Obviously, I enjoyed ROTS immensely. Go and watch it now. So many things I wish to write, so many thoughts and questions.

But for now, I will end here.

Sith Tonight

We're watching Star Wars Ep. III this evening. I'm very excited ! And this post, probably very boring.

After all these years, the story is about to be completed. It's an end of an era. This reminds me of how I felt when Buffy ended.

I actually have a good idea about what will happen. That is not important. I'm not too particular about spoilers, fortunately. That's the thing nowadays, there really is no real way to prevent spoilers from reaching people.

Back in the day, people didn't need to worry about spoilers and movie makers didn't have to worry about things leaking out. Then came the Internet.

Ah, the Internet. I'd be so bored without it.

I am supposed to write about some things that I listed down sometimes this week. I'll probably write those tomorrow or next week or something when I'm at work.

Rin and I are at my house watching my cat behave very strangely. She's a very strange cat with a fascination for feather dusters and the paper clip thing that's attached to a nylon string string.

I'm having quite an interesting spell at the moment, where I'm actually busier away from work than I am at it. It's quite interesting.

I must go now. Star Wars beckons. And dinner maybe. And tomorrow, I have to work.

Oh well.

Current Music Serena Duncan Sheik

At a Cyber Cafe Again

I am at a cybercafe. My God, the terminals here are in bad condition. The space bar on the keyboard is making an unsettling clacking noise when I tap it and the top half of the monitor is out of sync with the bottom. This monitor will die soon.

Now, why am I in a cybercafe instead of being at home. That's because she called me during lunchtime telling me that her car is low on gas and she needs a ride to school. So, here I am waiting for her to finish in about half an hour.

It's actually quite nostalgic here. I haven't been to a cybercafe in a long time. I spent a big portion of my life in a cybercafe. Heck, I used to work in one.

I've been thinking about things that I want to do with my PC. Perfomance wise it's fine but I think I need a new casing. No, let me rephrase that, I WANT a new casing. I don't really need it. I also thinking about that USB hard drive case that my friend has. It's a box like thing about the size of a CD-ROM drive with a USB cable attached that will take a regular IDE hard drive and make it essentially portable. With this thing, I could have a portable 200Gb hard disk to carry around.

I salivate as I wait the release of Need For Speed : Most Wanted. I loved Need For Speed Underground 2 and I expect no less from the sequel. This new game will have the poe-leese in it, so that should make for some interesting pursuits and wild driving. I've also read somewhere that this game will have supercars like Feraris and Lambos and exotic imports alongside your regular street rides. That would be great. Imagine smoking a Porsche with your Supra.

The graphics of this new game will be mindblowing for sure. I'm also looking forward to the soundtrack.

Racing games are fun. I wish that one day, a PC version of Gran Turismo would become available. That would rock and would keep me busy for at least two months.

Ok then. Time to pick someone up from school.

Cats, Big Ass Dogs, Driving Around and Bad Movies

We took The Cat for shots today. She's quite a handful now. On the way home she kept pawing the car window to try and find a way out.

I think we need to buy one of those pet carriers soon, since she's due for another shot next month. Pretty soon she'll be big enough and strong enough to make handling her difficult.

The vet said she was cute.

And talking about animals, Rin and I drove around town today and we noticed that Kuching's got quite a number of pet shops now. So different from when I was younger.

And talking about animals again, while we were at one of those pet shops at MJC we saw the biggest dog I've ever seen. Appropriate it was called Giant. I have never seen an Alsatian THAT big, honest.

It was easily more than five feet long nose to tail. Huge ! I wonder how much it eats.... I'll be broke if I had a dog that big.

I wish I brought my camera.

Later, we went to meet up with Jerome at Java Juice. Gette came later. As usual, the conversation was great. I wish we could see Gette more often. She's a lot of fun. But alas, she's a busy girl and her job takes a lot out of her.

Rin and I have been running up the clicks in both our cars driving around town. I notice that:-

A. Kuching is not very big, but that's quite obvious.
B. It might get a little dull due to the lack of size, but there are some really nice places around.
C. The sights are great and I'm not talking about the regular tourist traps. Drive around the outskirts of town and see what I mean. Especially around five-ish.
D. It's no longer as backwater-ish as it used to be when I was in school.

I like my small town. It will always be that. It may be offically a city, but I fervently hope it never, ever loses that small town feel.

Finally, some blogging reminders for myself.

First, romanticism.

Just now when I driving Rin home when I asked her,"What's romantic to you ? What makes you go awww ?"

It got me thinking, what do I find romantic ? It seemed like a straightforward question but I'm going to think about that before I write it down. As usually, talking about feelings is like peeling an onion. So many layers. And sometimes there are tears.

Second, Sleeping Dictionary.

At any rate, that was a bad, bad movie. But not as bad as Gigli, which was so bad I could only watch half of it before gagging and turning of the DVD player. That's really saying something, since I usually like watching laughing at bad movies.

I'll write about these things as soon as I find the time. I'm going to go watch my Alone in The Dark DVD now.

Current Music Only In My Dreams Steps Gold

Labels

I'm sitting here at the office, enjoying a rather good view of the setting sun while I try to revive a broken Dell Inspiron 510M notebook. So far, it's doing ok. I can see the network now and can join domain.

Am applying XP Service Pack 2 now.

That was the first thing that came to mind when I hit the Create New Post button. So sad isn't it ?

I'm still feeling rather sore from hauling those 90lb servers yesterday, as mentioned here. Good workout that one was.

This morning I had so many things I wanted to blog about. Unfortunately, so many users called me wanting help with so many things. And now, as the sun is setting and the users go home, I forgot what I wanted to write.

Boo...!

Well anyway, what I do remember are snippets, and one of those snippets have something to do with relationships. Again. Something about people's duality when it comes to that.

Some people make better friends than lovers. Heard of that, I'm sure we all have. The question becomes, why ?

I think it boils down to expectations. A person would expect more from a lover, perhaps too much in many cases. People expect certain things that from a lover, what they should do or say and how they should behave.

It's harder to be your own person because I think the label "boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife" carries its own set of rules. It's ironic in a way. We keep hearing the advice, "be yourself, be yourself". But how many of us have gradually morphed into The Boyfriend or The Wife or whatever else the label is.

I know I have.

I'm sure they are exceptions to the rules. For that to happen, I think one must have supreme confidence in themselves.

I think so, because how many times have we seen a person who is less than comfortable with themself act like a prat when they're in love ?

I know I did.

Irony again. The less confident one is about themself, the more the need for approval from another, the less able the ability to sustain a good relationship.

It's like that thing where the best way to keep a relationship going is not to need it in the first place.

Life is strange like that.

Labels. One night, me and Rin were driving around when she suddenly said,"Isn't it great to have a platonic relationship without needing to label ?" She's right.

What of me and Rin ? Are we going out, like dating ? Are we friends ? What is the level of out relationship ?

Who cares...

We like each other a lot. I think she's a great girl. But we're not in love. There is no commitment as such. So that means we aren't dating I suppose. I find her attractive, but not enough to ask her out officially so to speak. I would accept and give it a try if she were to ask me, but I don't think she feels like that about me.

But we spend an awful lot of time together. So we're friends ? Maybe. But I sometimes think it's more than mere friendliness.

There's always a good kind of tension there, when we're hanging out.

But is it courtship ? Flirting ? No I don't think so somehow. Courtship has a definite intention. Flirting ? Too flighty.

The truth is it doesn't matter. It's a great relationship whatever I call it. We're in a nice, comfortable place. She doesn't say, but I think she feels the same here.

There's one more point, one that makes it so much better. And that point is...

No labels, no pressure. I like it.

A Piece of The Past

I've been hanging out at The Crib a lot the past few days. The Crib's a nice place to have lunch/dinner or just to simply hang around and chat.

I'm especially pleased that the place is top notch because it belongs to people I know, including a personal friend of mine. I'm more than happy to spend time and money there. At last, a cosy place which DOES NOT play techno.

They do need to jazz up the wall a bit with paintings or pictures and the like. But that's a minor issue. The choice of drinks and food is quite good. The pricing is quite decent. I like it.

The place needs a website. And an assistant cook.

I was there late last night with Rin. And while we were there, I spied a familiar face not two tables away from us. For a split second, we saw each other before going about our business. I told Rin about her and what happened.

Apparently, she's chummy with one of the people working there. Such a small place Kuching is.

And who is this that I spied ? That, is quite a long story. Not to mention a rather embarassing one harkening back to the days when I was less together and more all over the place.

A reminder of how worse off I was then than I am now.

Once upon a time, I came to know this girl. Let's call her Jayne. I think I've posted about her before, but I'm too pressed for time to hunt for that post. Later perhaps.

Jayne, she was a hell of a girl (and probably still is). Confident, somewhat brash and free spirited. Not to mention tall (for a local girl) and beautiful. Obviously, she had a lot of admirers.

We were quite close. We hung out together and gradually drew closer. Unfortunately I was in no shape to be that close to her. I was too emotionally fragmented for her. She was simply too far ahead of me when it came to self-control and emotional maturity, despite being younger than me by two years. I behaved badly.

I messed it up. Our friendship imploded.

Some people get too excited around women, especially when they like them a lot to the point that they can't distinguish what things they should do and shouldn't do. Other people get sad and morose around them, demanding them to mother them and shower them with attention (the popular woe-is-me approach to courtship).

Some people follow their objects of affection around, annoying them and creeping them out. Or royally pissing them off. Some people get hyper intense and ultra possesive, viewing any other male person as a potential threat and behaving accordingly. It's bad enough if the woman in question is the girlfriend, worse if the woman in question is just a regular friend.

I was all these people and possibly more.

I can't help think that I met her too soon. But from another point of view, I would never have noticed my destructive patterns if not for her and others like her.

So there I was at The Crib, seeing her through different eyes. She was as pretty as ever, but somehow less glowy. Less...intimidating.

If she met me and spoke to me, will I act differently ? Honestly, I can't say. She belongs to the past, and somehow I worry that I might regress if I do speak to her. That would be a very, very bad thing.

I like to think that I've progressed since then. I like to think that I've changed for the better, that I'm more capable of forming a great relationship with a woman that will benefit and satisfy both of us instead of just myself.

But that's the troubling thing about personal growth, you can't see it clearly. The only people who can judge that are other people. But having said that...

Last night, I saw a piece of my past. It made me remember. I can say, I'm better now then I was then. If I wasn't I can say with absolutely certainty that I would not have had Rin for company last night, especially when I take into account what's been happening between her and some people we know.

It remains one of my deepest regrets that it took so long for me to find hangups and mistakes and try to learn from them. It pains me to think about how many potentially good relationships I'd screwed up because of how I was.

All of these regrets, Jayne remains the biggest of them all. I can only hope that it these so-called lessons and regrets are not for nothing, that somehow it's not too late for me to redeem them.

I can only wait and see.

EDIT: I have some great news.

I found a place that does fret replacements for acoustic guitars ! I can bring my Epiphone back from the dead !

I'm very pleased. Unfortunately, I can't do it immediately since it costs quite a bit...