Monday, June 20, 2005

Eye of The Beholder

"I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense..
Let me in, let me in to the club, cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and faces."

- LGFUAD, Motion City Soundtrack

There be times that I hear or read things that I find disturbing or offensive, especially when those things are related to me in some way.

But here I have a choice. I could respond and retaliate. Or I could just let it slide. I'm going to let it slide. I'm going to ignore that part of my psyche that screams,"Silence is an admission of guilt !!!" I don't need to deal with things like this. There will be none of that school yard you-hit-me-first-now-I-hit-you stuff going on here.

I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that not everyone I meet is going to like me.

I mean, as a rule people are allowed to pick and choose who they associate with and are, as a rule, allowed to reject unsuitable "candidates", yeah ? And when people reject, for whatever reason, what can you say about that eh ? It's disappointing, but still an undeniable right.

No one is good enough for everyone. That's a fact. Unpleasant. But fact.

That's a funny part about being human. I can pick at, pass judgment and say no thanks to people whom I don't want to hang with. And I think it's fair. I feel it's my right. No offence.

And yet, when I find that people do the same to me, I feel slighted and offended. Yeah, I know. That's a double standard. My double standard. My fault.

Perhaps it's the need for validation from other people that causes that. That's something I need to deal with, however difficult it is to be completely self sufficient. It takes a great deal of conviction and confidence to be that way. It takes a lot to be ok in the face of rejection and criticism.

I guess I never really came to terms with the idea that I, by simply being myself, can rub others the wrong way. I never really accepted the fact that I can be less than what other people want or look for. It hurts the pride to be considered lacking and to know that to some, I'm not worth it.

To some people, I'm all kinds of bad. I may be too boorish or too opinionated or too lacking in tact and finesse. Maybe I'm too simple or too complicated. Perhaps I'm not artful and articulate enough for some people. And for others, maybe I'm not manly or hard enough. And to yet more people, maybe I'm simply too plain without any obvious charm.

To some people, maybe I'm alright. To others, I may not be so good. Or perhaps I'm just nondescript and ordinary for them.

I am a composite of many things, including flaws and shortcomings and more. I can't expect everyone to tolerate those, can I ?

It depends on how or what another person sees, their perception. Good ? Bad ? I cannot control what another person will notice when they see me.

Obviously, I haven't figured how much of myself do I need to change before I can be accused of selling out. Such a fine line isn't it ? What do you do, be true and stick to yourself or give face and try to change.

I'd like to be number one in everyone's book. That's just not possible. As long as people remain different from each other, that's not going to happen. No one can be everyone's friend. There will always be others who don't like what you think, what you do, what you say, what you feel and what you are, for whatever the reasons.

And so, rather than whining about how unfair and unpleasant it is, instead of lashing out and coming out with allegations of mistreatment, I'm going to try and accept it like it is instead. Not everyone is going to think I'm an ok person. That's a fact. No need to think of the whys and the how comes.

It's life and it's people. And that's just the way it is.

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