Sunday, June 12, 2005
Since my last post, I got really busy and couldn't post anything. I was supposed to do some kind of introspective thing, but I can't really remember what it was supposed to be about.
I think it was something to do with letting go and growing up. Something like that. Don't you just hate it when you think of something quite profound to say and yet when you sit in front of the computer, the words won't come out ?
Anyway, letting go and such.
Sometimes, when I get bored, I go read old blog entries and old comments, as a regular blogger often does I bet.
I should really stop regretting things that happened in the past and just get on with the rest of life. I should just accept that the so-called normal life that I want has eluded me. Time and age has made sure of that.
I should stop feeling like a disgruntled 20 year old trapped in an older person's body. I think I've gotten so used to being down in the emotional dumps, it feels strange to be out of it.
This letting go business is quite hard to do, apparently. It's not the first time I thought of such things. And yet, I fall back into familiar territory and start feeling bad about myself again. It's almost comforting when that happens. Hard habit to break, it is.
This is what victim mentality is, isn't it ? Am I using my so-called misfortune as an excuse not to try and move on ? Might be.
Pride can be very troublesome. It prevents me from making do. It makes me ask why I don't have what other people have. Stuff. Satisfaction. Relationship. Any number of other things. Yeah, I'm guilty of being overly proud sometimes. I feel like I deserve all the things that I want, and stamp my feet when I can't get them. I feel like the world owes me.
Whether or not the world actually owes me, that's not really the point is it ? I should realize by now that most of the things that happen to people happen to them whether or not they "deserve" it.
I thought about all that while I was playing my computer games and felt quite at ease. Things happen. Or sometimes, didn't happen when I wanted them to. Sometimes I was the one who messed things up. I made mistakes. I regret. I wish I could go and change and fix things more to my liking.
But no amount of wishing will change those things. I'll have to live with them.
Of course, what-if scenarios are quite fun to discuss, so I won't shy away from that. But perhaps now I can ask what-if and not feel guilty ?
And of course, sometimes I will put up one of those "oh woe is me" posts. I'd be very naive if I thought that things will change from now on. It's healthy to rant once in a while.
One last thing, just as a reminder. I should stop wanting things that are obviously bad for me. I should be brave enough to walk away from such things, no matter how enticing, regardless of the paranoia that I could be throwing something away. Certain things aren't worth the pain they can bring. The juice may be good, but sometimes is not worth the squeeze.
I am not a victim. I am not desperate.
Here endeth today's rather ambiguous post.
Current Music - Swing Life Away (Acoustic) - Rise Against, Punk Goes Acoustic
at 9:06 am