Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Note: Introspective emotional garbage again.
I've been trying TWO days to post something that I've been thinking about. TWO whole days.
Why so difficult? I'll be honest and say that it's because I do not want to appear:-
d) All of the above
But alas, I cannot feign bravery and stoicism. Pathetic, weak, whatever right? Perhaps I am all these. Perhaps why I find it so difficult to whine nowadays is that I want to deny these things, hide the truth from everyone, present a good, solid front.
If I appear to be any or all of the above or any other thing I didn't mention, then that is part of who I am. What can I say, except maybe sorry? I know friends read this, friends who maybe wishing that I'm "all better" nowadays. I'm sorry.
So here it is, the return of the introspective post. Thank you.
"Why are you still single? Hey you need to find someone soon man. How old are you already? Other people your age have family already. You can't even find a girlfriend. "
"Aren't you worried about what your parents might think?"
I don't know the answers. Except that last question, maybe. They never say, but I'm quite certain that their kind of disappointed. I see my mom dote on The Cat and I can almost see that she wishes that at least one of her children would settle down already and produce grandchildren, pronto.
I feel sorry for them. They can't rely on me for that. Not anytime soon. Not ever, probably. At least, my two brothers are in better shape than I am when it comes to that. Neither one of them have my luck when it comes to the opposite sex. They're both more attractive and have more charm and younger than I am. It's not too late for them yet.
Thank goodness for that.
I wish I could say that it's other people who are being nosey. But I too wonder why and I too yearn for it. These days, I can deal with being single well enough. But somedays, it does get real lonely out here.
Yes, I still wish there was someone there. Why do I feel so weak when I say that? Why do I want to shake my head and hit Del when I write that? Why should I feel guilty about it?
It doesn't help that my peers are walking around with their long term girl friends in tow, getting engaged and getting married left, right and centre. It gets worse when I see other people I know do these things. People younger than me. Much younger.
I wonder how they do it. I wonder why when I try it, I fail. And fail.
I can't help but feel slightly bitter and left out. I can't help but ask if they can do it, why can't I ? Is it SO difficult? Am I so lacking in the qualities that would render me capable of being in a relationship? Never mind being in one, how about STARTING one. I'd settle for that right now.
Is it really me? What's wrong? Is it really because I'm too short? Too old? Too boringly average? Too emotionally wrecked? Too...too..some other thing that I don't know about?
Do the Fates really hate me THAT much to toy with my life by letting me have wants and desires that I cannot possibly fulfil?
I sometimes feel like something IS really wrong with me. Why wouldn't I think so? Everytime I start whatever attempt, it ends so badly.
I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I'm not interested. I don't think/look at you like that. You're too [insert flaw here]. What? With you? Hahahahahahaha.!!!
These are the sounds I keep hearing.
I should get used to it. I can't. Can anyone get used to being rejected? To being alone when they don't want to be? Can anyone show me how?
Once, only once, there was someone who did like me a lot. But I didn't like her back the same way. I thought it would be unfair to her, so I let her go. She begged to stay but I said I can't pretend to be in love with her when I'm not.
I tried. I honestly did. But she wasn't the one. Or was she?
I can't help thinking now that maybe that was It. She was supposed to be the one. I was never supposed to be in a blissful, happy relationship, just a mediocre one. I can't help thinking how I might have unknowingly thrown away the only workable relationship that I've ever had.
And now, I pay.
Perhaps, I'm just too ordinary to deserve the kind of happiness that I want? Nothing special, so why should I get something like that right? Get real and just have to make do right? After all, does Quasimodo deserve a Princess?
Is that how the world works? Can someone tell me how? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?
So, how to answer these questions?
I don't know. I don't know why I'm still single at 32.
I don't know why I can't start a relationship. I don't know why I cannot meet somebody who likes me whom I can like back and vice versa. I don't know why I can't stop wanting and wishing and yearning for a relationship. I don't know why I can't seem to enjoy being single.
I don't know. I don't know.
at 1:03 pm