Friday, December 03, 2004

"I Think This Line's Mostly Filler" - Alyson Hannigan, BtVS, Once More With Feeling

I wanted to post on Wednesday. But that day was so unspeakably boring there was nothing I could write about. Except maybe work. And who wants to read about that right ?

I wanted to post yesterday but I got really sleepy and last minute errands came up at....well, the last minute. Like car payments. And the hounding of my insurance agent. Where's my frickin' credit card? I need my camera dammit!

I went to see Florence after work on Wednesday. She asked me how come I don't take her out anymore. I just shrugged, said I got really busy and made some other lame excuse I can't remember right now. I know, not the most judicious way of handling such a situation. I haven't really had much experience in dodging tricky questions.

Gee, I actually felt kinda sorry for her. Remorse can be inconvenient no ?

There was a time that I thought I could never reject anyone. I thought it was supposed to be straightforward. I couldn't understand why the girls I wanted rejected me and said things like "It won't work out" and"You're not my type" and "I don't want to spoil our friendship". I thought they were just being mean.

That was a time when they were the bad guys. And I was a poor unfortunate victim. A hapless innocent taken for a ride.

And then came a time when it was my turn to say no.

Lots of times we read about the pain and misery off being rejected. But how about rejecting ?

There really is no easy way to end a relationship. I remember saying "I'm sorry. But we can't do this anymore." If we belief all the sob-stories about getting dumped, this rejection malarkey is simple right ? After all, I reject therefore I'm the inflicter instead of the inflictee. It's not supposed to be that hard.

Well, I was wrong. Again. It tore me up.

There I stood, saying the things that only mere months previously I thought I was incapable of saying. It tore me up to see her ask to be given a chance. It hurt because I know how she felt. I've been there before, it seemed like a thousand times. I was causing the same hurt that I have felt.

I felt ashamed.

In that moment, I understood. I understood that those women who said no to me before aren't bad guys. I stopped villifying them. They're just people. Like me. And her.

They didn't go out of their way to hurt me. I just got in the way and I got caught. No malice there.

And so, if she hated me for saying no, for leaving then I can give her at least that right. She has every right to hate me and to curse me. I hurt her. That's a good enough reason. What else can I say ? I've said I'm sorry, but I remember that doesn't make the pain go away.

It's sad when relationships end. Even sadder when they can't even start. But sadder still is a relationship that is doomed from the beginning.

I get that now. And while it doesn't make it any easier, there's a bit of peace buried in that truth somewhere.

Currently Listening to "Walk Through the Fire" Buffy Cast Once More With Feeling

No comments: