"If I could look beyond your face
And photograph your hidden place
Would I find you smiling in the picture
I don't know what you want
Because you don't know,
So what's the point of asking
You're almost happy
But your head hurts
Far too many ways to go
We learn so much but never know
Where to look
Or when we should stop looking
I can love the whole of you.
The poetry I stole from you
And hide inside my stomach
You're almost happy
But your head hurts"
-Almost Happy, K's Choice
I have this nagging feeling that I may have posted the above lyrics before. If so, all I can say is.. Oops.
I got nothing to apologize about. Almost Happy is a beautiful song.
I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache. I went out drinking last night, the first time in literally months. At first we went to Tapanga.
I used to love Tapanga. They had decent food, the ambience was ok and they had a pretty good winelist. The only complaint I used to have was their inapproriately loud music, which is of the wrong genre. I mean, if you want your place to be warm and cosy, you do not play dance, hip hop and rap.
But then again this is Kuching where almost every place plays dance, hip hop and rap. We actually have a jazz and blues club here that plays.....feng tau.
My colleague was right the other day when he said that by and large, Kuchingites are still too ah beng. The ones who are not are few in number, but I least none of my friends are too ah beng.
Many times, I wish I could find a nice cosy place to drink white wine and not have to shout over Nelly and Usher while we talk. Last night, I may have found a good place to do just that.
Anyway, back to Tapanga. Well, sadly I don't think I'll be coming back there soon. The lost the winelist. I was horribly disappointed. They also struck off half of the drinks that used to be available from their menu.
But as they say, all is not lost. Despite my disappointment with Tapanga, the evening wasn't a total loss. While there, we witnessed a somewhat entertaining tiff involving a man, his mistress (apparently) and another man who was trying to calm things down. It involved flying drinking utensils, much crying and much loud proclamations of disatisfaction. As fun as melodrama can be, it messed up our rhythm. It's hard to talk and laugh with all that happening at the next table.
So me, Rin, Jerome, Wee Na and Eric left. I was out of ideas so Rin suggested the lounge at Hilton. I didn't know there was a lounge there. Duh....
It was a proper lounge too, right down to the music. But then, would anyone expect anything less from the Hilton ? It is a fine hotel by any standards. Good atmosphere, inobstrusive music at a comfortable volume and a good (if pricey) selection of drinks, I enjoyed it. And they have a master wine list !
So, if ever I need to bring anyone for a chat and a bit of cocktail, I'll know where to go now. Rin says the pina colada is good. I'll remember to try that next time.
We chatted and laughed and told lewd jokes the whole night long. If only the place closed later. Nevertheless it was a good evening with a group of friends.
Today was rather uneventful. I spent most of it nursing my hangover, watching the bonus DVD from my Star Wars Original Trilogy set and playing X-Wing : Alliance. Yes, I'm having a Star Wars kick. Less than a month from Epiode III.
Can you tell how excited I am ? Very. Notice that I've not talked about Buffy for the whole month.
Actually, this post was supposed to be a recap of all the things that's been happening with me so far. Also, it was supposed to be what I feel in general. As usual. What is Riding the Mellow if not a repository for my feelings ?
And that song Almost Happy just about covers what I wanted to say tonight. Just in case I miss something out. Songwriters and poets are remarkable in the way that they can capture a complex concept or emotion in a few verses. I'm not a huge fan of poetry, but I admire them nonetheless.
Anyways, the story so far.
I'm content. Well almost anyway. I'm single and I'm okay with it. I can sit and watch others fall in and out of love and have their relationships without internalizing anything. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. It does still bother me but nothing like before.
I no longer feel inclined to ask difficult questions like why and how etc etc. I'll probably complain and rant about my "feelings" and loneliness again but that's to be expected. No one's ever completely immune to that.
I anticipate those times when my mood will swing low and I feel like getting away from people and start posting oh-woe-is-me entries. I know I'll get depressed again for no good reason. That melancholy streak is hard wired and will always be a part of who I am.
I accept that. I hope my friends can too. I'm prepared to deal with all that and when it does happen again, I won't be caught off guard.
My life's pretty ok now. I can afford to do things and hang out in places that some of peers would never even go near because of the so-called posh factor. I can afford to buy and own things that aren't necessary without feeling guilty about it.
I have a nice job that pays for everything and doesn't swallow up all my free time. I like and appreciate the fact that unlike many people, my job doesn't follow me home. I'm happy with the fact that I can divide my work and personal life exclusively separated from each other.
I have no plans to continue studying. Maybe I will one day. But it will be somewhere else in another country. It'll be because I want to do it, not because I have to.
As much as I complain and whine about my past, I'm glad I went through what I did. It's allowed me to have a personal perspective on many things. When anyone asks for advise or opinion on things, I'm not reduced to spouting cliches. As much as I can, I try to speak from experience and if my own misfortune can help anyone avoid the same things, then at least it wouldn't be all for nothing.
And what of the future ? Who knows ?
I still am just here. I do not harbour some great ambition to change the world nor do I have some great big masterplan to follow. No big plans here. I leave the others to run the rat race. I live from day to day. My future can take care of itself. There's no point worrying about something I can't control.
My hope ? Happiness. Ultimately, I want to comfortable. I want to be able to live without worrying too much and without feeling pressured or guilty. If possible, I want to be with someone, but with each passing day it looks less likely and I find myself wanting it less and less. Perhaps it was not the necessity that I once thought it to be.
It would be nice. But as I say before, I'm no longer waiting and wishing. Besides, don't things like that happen on their own ? I hope I'll be prepared enough when it does, if it does. Or not. Who knows.
Well, this is one very long post. I wonder, did anyone read all of that ?
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