Thursday, April 07, 2005
From this picture, what can you tell ?
I am at work of course. For the next four nights, I'll spend my days in bed and my nights doing "work". I especially dread Saturday nights at work. That's when none of the blogs I frequent get updated. I might bring a large, long winded book to work this weekend. Or my Buffy episodes.
It's been a rather eventful week so far. Eventful as in many things happened, only not to me. This time the drama is unfolding elsewhere while I play Watcher. Once again, it's strange to watch and see the same things that used to happen to you happen to other people. It's weird to see people you know go through and do the same things you did. Even the mistakes are the same...
It's also funny when you realize that even if you butt in and share a piece of so-called sage advice, it'll probably be ignored since that's what you would do if you were in that position.
The heart (or the id rather) does not think rationally and does not have your best interest in mind. It wants fulfilment. It was more. It wants. Often, that want will hurt.
And so, I will watch and learn, and perhaps help if asked to.
Was that cryptic enough ?
Random thought:- I used to think that I lived in darkness. It felt dark and dank because I was always by myself there. It was lonely and too deafeningly quiet. I felt wasted and unwanted. Yes, it was dark where I was.
Funny how darkness bothers you less when you develop night vision.
I'm always wary when I think like this, when I think that somehow things are better. It feels less cold and less quiet. They're are others there, within reach. In the dark, I can feel them.
It's a relief to feel that maybe, just maybe, that I'm not the outcast that I perceived myself to be. It's a change to entertain the idea that perhaps I'm not as bad and as repulsive as I used to think I was. Maybe, just maybe all that was just the demon talking. And that strength-sapping, confidence-undermining demon's been rather quiet for a while now...
I know and realize that there will be people who will not think so highly of me as I want them to. As much as it sucks, it's their right and their choice. It's them and not me who decides that.
Rejection and related things, I still need to get used to. I still need to learn to not take it too hard.
I'm wary about telling everyone that things are better because I worry that I might jinx myself. Tell everyone everything's fine and tomorrow I could be sinking into the depths of depression again. I wouldn't be surprised. Life tends to play cruel jokes like that.
The truth ? Things haven't really changed. The wants are still there and so far, still unfulfilled. But now, I can accept that even if I can't have what I want, I will still go on. The only thing that's changed is the way I look at and feel about things.
You know, night vision ?
Current Music Dashboard Confessional Screaming Infidelities The Swiss Army Romance
at 10:33 pm