Through the Motions

"Every single night the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real, Nothing here is right
I’ve been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been

Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart"

- "Going Through The Motions" Sarah Michelle Gellar, Buffy The Vampire Slayer - Once More With Feeling OST

I knew it.

I knew it couldn't last. My so-called hanging out and relaxing while nothing happens is gradually eroding into boredom. I knew my masochistic hankering for personal turmoil would catch up with me sooner rather than later. At least that's what it seems like from where I'm sitting. I feel like doing something, anything that is rash and potentially pain inducing. Just because.

It seems that I have a pretty restless streak.

Except unlike all the other previous cycles, I KNOW I've seen this picture before. It's kinda like watching a rerun of an old TV show. You've watched it before, but this time you notice things like plot holes and continuity screw-ups and the mike boom briefly appearing on one corner of the screen for a split second.

And so, with some relief I can safely say,"Gee, I'm not surprised". Despite what that annoying little voice in my brain is saying, this is not a disaster nor is it a self inflicted problem. It's just like that. It happens by itself, like rain.

Don't you just hate that little voice ? The negative one that always, always puts you down. Don't you wish you could tie whatever demon that is to a chair and put duct tape all over its face ?

I wanted to write about that negative voice Sunday but I got distracted. And now ? I forgot the words. Ok maybe I should learn how to draft.

Anyway, I may have digressed a little there. What I wanted to say in this entry is that yes I'm feeling kinda jaded again. But I want to see whether I can be jaded without being cynical. There aren't mutually inclusive are they ?

That is possible right ? Jadedness without the cynicism ? Looks like we'll have to see.

Oh no. That phone is ringing again. That's the problem with posting from work.

Be back soon.

PS Oh look ! It's November already. My favourite part of every year. The end part.