Fearsick

I'm relieved.

It's my last night of work for this work and it's been tiring. But I'm relieved. I tied up all my loose ends and have nothing to worry about, workwise.

Which is more than I can say about my life right now ? For the the first time in the longest time, I'm feeling anxious. Big time.

It just occured to me, what if E saw my blog and read my posts about her. Would she know ? Are the posts ambiguous enough for me to claim plausible deniability ? And if she knows it's about her, what would she feel ? Would she be flattered ? Or would she think, "what the f__k !!?" Have I inadvertently shot myself in the foot (again) ?

Whatever. The posts stay. If she did see them and is freaked my them, then I'll just have to write it off as fated. Not meant to be.

I wish it didn't have to be this hard. I wish I had the confidence to be nonchalant about this.

And for that matter, what do I want out of this ? Do I want a relationship ? Do I want to be just friends ? Or something in between ?

The sickest part of this whole thing is the fact that I'm so bloody frightened at the outcome, good or other wise that I'm actually tempted to just run and bury the whole thing. Would that be a good idea ? What a powerful effect a person can have on another person. Amazing...

I've also been thinking, "what is the root of my fear ?". Now, that is an extremely difficult question. And of course I am nowhere near the possible answer. Or perhaps the answer is right in front of me but I'm too blind to see it.

Geez, I'm sorry to you reader, if my rantings for the last three days sound mentally deficient. But what can I say, the anxieties are real.

And I hate myself for being weak, overtaken by fear. Is there a way out ?