Scaredycat

What a boring day. And what a boring weekend it's going to be. I had to wake up early-ish this morning (which is something that I loath to do on my off days) and go attend a three hour training session. I have to be at work on Sunday morning, so that means no galivanting about town on Saturday night. Also the Rainforest World Music Festival is on this weekend and I can't go !! Dammit ! Some of my buds have gone today and are participating in workshops as we speak !

The good news is next week I'll have a FIVE day weekend. Yes !! I've decided to take leave on my birthday so I'll be off for FIVE days ! And I'm getting paid next week too !! Much wassailing and carousing possibilities next week it seems. All I need now is company.

Well, I could go out with my friends. But I want to try something. You see, this whole Esther episode from last week made me think,"Gee, meeting new people is fun, if somewhat nerve-wracking. Maybe I should do this more often." This might not sound like much to some people but for me, it's a big change.

As a rule, I'm not much of an extrovert. I'm more of a quiet, stand-offish, observe from afar type as opposed to the life-of-a-party type. It's hard for me to meet with new people, especially women. Just about the safest way I can think of is if I get some of my friends to introduce me to some of their (female) friends. Who in turn can introduce me to some of theirs'. But I'm thinking, this is something I have to learn to do myself, past screw-ups be damned. After all, how long can I leech off my friends' contacts ?

In theory I do know what to do. I do know I have to be confident and not worry about getting turned down. I do know what to say and how to say it to break the ice, so to speak. But only in theory.

Take this example. I know this girl (vaguely). I've met her once in a group. We talked. We had a good time with our mutual acquaintances. She's quite nice. I have her phone number. And yet, it's been like two months (maybe more). And have I called her ? Just to say hi ? Of course not. Even though there are days that I'm dying to call her to say hi or go for drinks. I can't seem to do it. I'm frightened by what her reaction would be. And bear in mind, I'm NOT EVEN in love with her. I just want to make with the friendly and I can't even do that. I know why. I'm scared.

I do really need to get over some issues.

I'm scared of a lot of things, some of it pretty juvenile come to think of it. I'm scared that she'd say no. I'm scared that I'll make a bad impression and that she'll think I'm a dork. Or boring. Or coming on too strong. Or some other thing my mind thinks up. My craziest worry is that she'll look at me and tell me to "get real" and that she'll never go out with the likes of me. Outlandish right ? Probably, but I've had the misfortune of being rejected and publicly humiliated like this in real life. More than once.

That, my dear reader is probably the seat of all my fears. The scars from events like these are still there. Everytime I want to pick up the phone to ask someone out or open my mouth to say hi to a strange girl, I instantly become the awkward college kid that I once was. And I don't do it in the end.

Geez, I've got to get over this. If I were to ask me for advise, I'd tell me to well...get over it. Deal with it. So what, the bitch who humiliated and dismissed me as being "unworthy" is probably just that anyway. A bitch. I'd tell me that not all women are like that. Just pick up the phone and say hello. Or when I meet someone I might like, just smile and say "hi!". What's the worse that could happen ? Whatever it is, it can't be that bad right ? I mean I'm not going to die if I don't get a positive response, right ?

See I do know what to do. I've been giving this advise to other people. Other people have tried this and it works. And yet I can't. I'm such a basketcase.

What the hell. I'm calling her next week. If she wants to go, great. If not, then fine. Whatever.

Sometimes, it sucks to be me.