Pain

I just came back from an extraordinarily long-winded & overly technical IBM workshop at Hilton just now. I had to consume two entire cups of black sugarless coffee to prevent me from nodding off. God that was boring. It did not help that last night I slept at 3.30am. I was watching four episodes of Angel back to back. Season 5 Eps 18,19,20,21. Can't wait for the the finale !!

I have to say though, it did have its highlights. Some topics were pretty interesting and lunch was really good (mini-steaks & tiramisu, yummy!!).

I was going to write about me and my feeling bored all the time nowadays, but decided not to. I mean who wants to read about boredom. That's such a boring topic. Besides, I think I've wrote about that before. I can't remember.

I'm having another thought now. I read in some blogs recently, about how some people make such a big deal about being single when you reach a certain age. It's as if that if I'm not involved or married or in some relationship, there's something wrong with me.

Let me ask, is it THAT easy to start a relationship ? "Dude, go and get yourself a gf la. You need a chick man. Just go can bring her out." So I just go out and get one is it ? If it was that easy, then is there something wrong with me ?

Maybe there is something wrong with me, who knows ? But let's consider some undeniable facts. Not everyone gets lucky. Not everyone gets to fall in love and have someone love back. Not everybody gets to be in a healthy relationship.

Some would protest that luck has anything to do with it. But I'm telling you, luck is everything here. Say I meet a girl and like her immediately. Say I call her. The idealist would say, if I'm a nice guy she would like me back. And we would be friends. And maybe more. This is all true, if Mills & Boons books were based on fact.

But I don't live in that world. It's not perfect. I think I'm a nice guy and people have told me that. But being nice isn't enough. I need to have luck too. If not, I could screw up. I could call her at the wrong time, while she's busy or while she's pissed off. That won't leave a good impression. I could say the wrong thing. That might piss her off. And as 'nice' as I am, if she's pissed off at me, she won't like me. God knows how many times this has happened. My countless rejections are testament to that.

You could say, "Dude, you can't give up. You try again." Okay fair enough. So I ask another question, how many rejections can I handle ? How much pain can I take ? In the movies, the hero never gives up. Too bad I'm no hero, I'm just a regular person. And i'm sick & tired of failed relationships. I could end up single and alone all my life. I used to be so worried about all this alone stuff. And now, I no longer care. Even if I sound like I've given up and am a coward for not wanting to try, I don't care. I'm the one who will feel the pain, not my well meaning friends (God Bless them, they're nice people).

Okay, I'll be realistic. I'll give it one more shot. But this time around, I'll wait. No pushing, bad things happen when I push. If God were to be kind enough to me, the opportunity will be there. And He will tell me that and for once, just once I won't fuck it up. I won't crowd her out. I won't embarass her in front of her relatives with my lack of social finesse. I won't be clingy and needy. I won't make the same countless mistakes that I know I've made.

When will that happen ? Only God knows.

The truth is I'm still smarting from all the screw ups. It still hurts a lot. I regret them all. I've learned valuable lessons, but I sometimes feel like it's too late for those lessons to apply. Right now, I want to be alone. I don't really want to get involved. At the very least, I'm not going to start anything. If it was fated that I be in a relationship in the foreseeable future, I won't be the one making the move.

And you, dear reader, if to you I sound pathetic that's because maybe I am. If you have an answer, please tell me I'd like to know. If you want to slap me and want to give me the one-step therapy, please feel free. But if you want to feel sorry for me then please desist. I've had enough pity and I don't deserve anymore.

Despite everything and all the bad memories and the cynicism, I can say with absolute conviction:-

I don't need anyone. I'll be fine.

Here endeth the wallowing in self-loathing (for now).

Thank you.