Some More Game Talk

Almost immediately after I posted my last entry, I found my Doom 3 CDs!! I was rummaging through the junk in my room for reusable CD sleeves and there they were.

Yesterday, I bought the expansion Resurrection of Evil.

Now, the last time I played Doom 3, I still had my old crappy GeForce 4MX graphics card. The game looked ok, if a little jagged in places. Now, I have an ATI Radeon 9600 Pro and I could bump up the graphics by a big margin. Everything looks smooth and shiny now, especially round surfaces with the help of some anti-aliasing. Overall, the game looks so much better.

And also a whole lot more frightening. All those shadows and moving lights and the fact that it was too dark and I had to move around in the game world with a flashlight on all the time really adds to the atmosphere.

I discovered one major thing that wasn't in the movie. The game has a very, very strong horror/occult element to it. It was truly frightening in places. Considering that I've played the game before this, that's really saying something.

Doom 3 was scary enough. The expansion is even worse. But I'm lovin' it.

I also went to get a long overdue haircut yesterday. The place that I usually go to was closed for some reason, so I decided to try another one. It was better than the one I usually go to. So I guess this place will be my regular place now. Next time I go for a haircut, I should remember to bring something to read. All they had were out of date women's mags.

Today, I'm at work. This week should be very light. I'm taking a day off this week and that means I got a long weekend again.

Which is great because Call of Duty 2 is coming out this week. Let's see how fast the pirates get it in.

This week is gaming week. All these new games coming out and all those free downloadable old games I've found.

I'm having a good time.

That Doom Movie

Arrgh. I can't find my Doom 3 CDs.

Last night, we watched Doom. It was quite ok. It wasn't as good as I expected, but at least this adaptation wasn't too far from the game. At least they didn't change things that gamers like myself would notice, like weapons and creatures (like this nice Hellknight on the left. The Hellknight managed to get in the movie.)

I wished they were more FPS moments in the movie. What little first person footage that we saw, I loved it. I wished there was more.

To be honest, I thought Doom wasn't violent enough. I want more gun battles in the next one (if any).

I remember thinking at one point,"Man, this movie is a little slow innit?" Then it occurred to me, as violent as the game (Doom 3, which is what this movie is loosely based on) was equally slow in parts.

One more thing that didn't deviate much from the game were the levels locations. Just like the game.

Overall, it was ok. Not so good, just ok. At least the gloomy feel of Doom 3 was there.

In other news, something utterly despicable happened. The Major's blog got hacked. I was speechless. I hope this doesn't put him off blogging. I hope Blogger can help him.

At least the most valuable part of his records, the valour roll, is still intact. Considering how surprisingly difficult it is to get records and stories of local veterans, it is priceless.

Major Swami should write a book and do something to persuade the Ministry of Defense to make public more accounts from the days of the Confrontation and the Emergency.

Other than that, I was resting the last two days. Unlike most Sundays, I didn't go anywhere at all today. Looking forward to next week.

Just now, I had wanted to write about something else, something that I've been thinking about. But I am too tired right now.

But I do want to say this:-

There are times when the best thing to do to help yourself is to turn your eyes outwards, away from the inside.

And lest I forget, I'd like to say thanks to Nikki for those great abandonware links! I'll write soon.

It's Good to Get Pissed off in the Morning...

.... for a good reason of course.

One of the blogs I read is this one, run by a former Ranger (a retired Major). In it you will find posts about things like what happened in Somalia, and my favourite posts, about recipients of the Pingat Gagah Berani (our equivalent of the Victoria Cross/Congressional Medal of Honor).

All riveting reads, such inspirational stories of valour and courage, brave deeds done in the face of insurmountable odds in combat.

Everything is fine until one day, a commenter accuses our good Major of GLORIFYING VIOLENCE !!!

Holy F**CKING CRAP. If commenting was a shooting competition, this commenter missed the side of the barn.

How is the act of remembering our veteran troopers, who fought for a good cause, be equated with glorifying violence?

This commenter said,"Give it a rest". Give it A REST?? Meaning what? We should stop remembering those people who got killed during the Emergency? That we should stop honouring them for what they had to do?

Does this mean that we tear down the National Monument?

You know, this is one issue I got with some peaceniks. They hate violence and death so much, they even turn on their own countrymen who served and got killed for their sake. Killing is wrong. Yes we know that. But sometimes, what can you do? If you are a soldier and your enemy aims a large, bolt action rifle at you what do you do? Bore him to death with speeches and cliches about "peace"?

Seriously, what would you do?

I don't know about other people, but if I was that soldier, I'd point my own spiffingly shiny assault rifle and let him have it full auto in the chest. Does this mean I am evil and I enjoy the act of splattering some guy's internal organs all over the jungle floor? No. I can't even slaughter a chicken without gagging. But in this case, what else can I do?

The word that comes to mind is Ingrate.

I'd like to put all these peaceniks in a machine and dump them in a parallel demension where the communists won. Let's see how they enjoy THAT!

Some people seriously don't engage their common sense before speaking/writing. It's unbelievable!!

*Takes deeeeeep breath*

Now that that's out of the way, let me tell you all about something very nice for a change. I went out for dinner with some friends a few nights ago when Syuk told me about Home of The Underdogs.

Oh yes!! A repository of ancient computer games!! The same ancient games when I was young, the same ones that used to sit in my trusty 486.

The best part? Most of it is FREE!!! Don't you just love that word?

So I managed to download XCOM UFO Defense, Great Naval Battles 5 and New Horizons. Am planning to download Darklands next.

Someone should really remake Darklands. It's possibly the most detailed RPG ever made. Ever.

I'm thinking, if people can remake old movies, why not remake old games?

Picture it, a new XCOM UFO Defense version 2005 with upgraded graphics and boosted AI. It makes me drool, I tell you.

Poison

Why is it so difficult to leave something that is obviously so bad for us?

This has been on my mind for the last few days. Specifically, we do people find it so difficult to leave a bad relationship?

I had a talk with some friends, and some of them (to my surprise) have had struggles caused by "toxic" friends.

Now, when there is a "friend" who is poison, the logical thing to do would be to walk way right? And yet, why is that so hard to do?

Why would we willingly be treated badly by people who are ostensibly our "friends", rather than do the obvious correct thing?

Another example would be this other person I know. She had a boyfriend and the boyfriend treats her very badly. Why doesn't she just leave?

Of course, things are complicated aren't they? Nothing's that simple. I know that. I often asnwer these very same questions the same way. It's not that simple man.

Maybe. But is it really that complicated all the time? Or is that a lame excuse.

Why so hard to do the right thing and leave people who are bad for us behind, or keep them at a mininum safe distance? There are many "answers" I guess, but one answer would be because we want to be good.

We want to be the good one, that's why we can't leave. Who sets these standards? Us. Ourselves. It's not really what other people think. It's what we think of ourselves.

It's bad enough, you walk away, and the person who you walked away from thinks,"Damn, what a bitch/asshole/other insulting word". It's bad enough to know that someone thinks of us like that. But even worse I dare say, is when you hear your own voice telling you the same thing. You're a bitch. Asshole. Other insulting term.

So we don't walk. We try make things "better". We try to change. We try to talk. Sometimes things do get better. But most times? Out of 100 times, how many times?

Things don't work out. We feel bad. We try again. The endless circle continues.

Because we want to be good. We want to satisfy our own idea of our own goodness.

That's why.

In my own life, I've had my share of pointless attempts at relationships. I've had "friends" who treat me badly and take things out on me when they are pissed off, without even telling me why.

I know how hard it is to do the right thing and walk away. But knowing why I do that gives me another option. It gives all of us another option. We can continue to burn for people who don't care enough to look our way, don't care enough to care. This is the easy thing.

Or we could just walk away. This is the hard thing. So I guess we need to look inside to see why it's so hard. And maybe talk to a friend. That always helps.

Suddenly, I'm thinking, have I ever been a toxic "friend" myself. Have I ever done this to anyone? Does anyone have a good reason to walk away?

If I am toxic in some way to anyone, I'd like to know about it. The poison also comes from inside, and I want to stop it if I am poisonous.

So friends, do tell me. In fact, I think we should all ask that question. If we do that and answer honestly, the world will suddenly become a much better place.

Another Epiphany

"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise (2 Cor. 10:12)"

A long, long time ago, I posted something about feeling guilty and conscience and what not. Ok, not that long ago actually.

So last night, immediately after I posted my last post in fact, I stumbled upon something that smacked me right in the face and hit the nail on the head.

I found a little read called When We Don't Measure Up. It's from a Christian point of view so lots of Bible quotes. I guess it won't be useful for everyone. But trust me when I say that it's a great read and describes my situation 100% accurately.

At this point, I would love to write a summary. I'm not so good at that, but I'll put some passages that I liked. It's not in order, so it might be incoherent.

"A life filled with guilt over not measuring up is no way to live. It can drain us spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and leave us enslaved to the opinions of others."

" Near the core of our burden to please others is often a fear of disapproval or rejection.For many, this same kind of fear is rooted in early relationships where others angrily criticized or withdrew from them for not measuring up. They were made to feel they weren't the right gender or weren't smart enough, athletic enough, or thin enough. Some of us were made to feel as if we wanted too much love or involvement or praise. Whether people expressed their anger with a glare, an insult, or in manipulative tears, the message was loud and clear: "How can you be such a failure?" or "How dare you ask for so much?"

"Out of desperation, we secretly try to get what we want from people by living up to their expectations without letting them know what we're after or that we're even in need. Our fear of disapproval or rejection and our desperate craving for acceptance is part of the reason we try so hard to live up to the expectations of others and feel so guilty when we don't."

"There's no doubt that our strategies work, but for how long and to what degree? Can we totally escape our disappointment and protect ourselves from what we fear? Can we actually earn enough acceptance and approval to fill the emptiness in our hearts?

The answer, of course, is no. Our strategies are a poor investment. We get little relief, shelter, or satisfaction compared to the amount of time and energy we invest in them. Even worse, they drive us to the brink of exhaustion. We rarely relax or deeply enjoy life. We live under a tremendous pressure to make sure we don't let others down or become a burden. But we can't keep it up. Inevitably, someone sees us as disappointing or needy."

"For those of us who are burdened with a sense of never measuring up, we can start facing the truth by admitting that while we have our faults, we have also been unjustly criticized and/or abandoned by significant people in our lives, and that their mistreatment or lack of involvement has deeply affected us. As a result, we struggle with fears and disappointments that otherwise would not be present to the degree that they are."

There's more. A lot more. And it's uncanny to read something that speaks so closely to what I feel like.

I was elated and shocked at the same time. That's just so typical of me. First I thought I had a problem with being sad and having a low opinion of myself and now I find that I also have a major problem with conscience. I didn't even know that it was a problem to begin with.

I kinda felt overwhelmed by the number of things I have discovered over recent years about myself. It also struck me that if I didn't blog, I would never have known all these things. As bad as things get sometimes, they could be a whole lot worse.

I'm looking for this book now, called False Guilt: Breaking the Tyranny of an Overactive Conscience by Steve Shores.

It's out of print unfortunately. Does anyone have a copy I can borrow/buy?

I'm kinda speechless right now for some reason.

In the end, the truth, the absolute truth about me and what I am will be the thing that sets me free. Will I find that truth?

Public Service Announcements

Don't turn your back on Bali.

This add struck me when I saw it.

I would love to go actually. I've seen a lot of Bali from Discovery Travel documentaries. It's on my list of places to visit.

Unfortunately, I'm broke right now and my passport is expired ( and also missing, but that's another story).

So for those who can, please go and visit Bali. It's a nice place to visit I hear.

Another add that struck me was this one by UNICEF.


Makes you think don't it?

Adds that strike deep and makes you want to react, they can be so simple.

Those guys in charge of the Tak Nak campaign need to learn a thing or two about making an impact.

This has been a public service announcement. Have a nice day.

*I got to know of both from BrandNewMalaysia, a really good blog. Go and read.

In other news, does anyone want 30Gbs of email space? I might sign up just for a lark.

And finally, I'd like to apologize to all my friends for whatever thing that I have said/not said and done/not done. I never mean to offend or to miscontrue or misundertand and I most definitely don't mean any harm.

I'm very sorry, I'm not so good at being a friend I guess. I'm very sorry if I did the wrong things. I don't know what the right words are sometimes, or what the right actions are. I try and I'm sorry if I was wrong.

Please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry.

Good Movies!!

Oh My God.

I just watched Sin City and wow! It was, it was...indescribable. It was fantastic, unbelievable. Fabulous. Also, violent and over the top. So it's not for squemish people. And it has Carla Gugino topless, so make sure your parents aren't around when you watch it.

I haven't watched noir in forever, and if anyone has to watch just one film with that style, make it Sin City. And there's always this surreal feel when movies are shot in black and white. I get the same feeling whenever I watch the original Psycho or some old P. Ramlee movies.

It's hard to describe why I enjoyed it so much. It's one of those things, you got to be there.

For old times sake, I also watched Bad Boys again. Fun. A good, straightforward action movie. Will Smith rocks as usual and Martin Lawrence is funny as usual. Great action flick.

I'm reading some posts on the IMDB Sin City board and as usual, some people watched this movie and miss the point completely. It's noir for crying out loud, it's supposed to be bleak and cynical. What do these people expect?

Granted, Sin City may not be the greatest film ever made and not everyone will be able to stomach it let alone like it. But when people miss the point? What can you do about that?

Anyway, I loved it, I thought it was a real clever story and I hope they make a sequel.

Honestly, I don't get it. Why do so many people miss the point of things like action movies? Sometimes, it's fun to watch things get blown up.

Not everything needs to be arty-farty metaphoric, I think.

I was having a conversation about this a few nights ago and one of us made a comment,"Some people don't know how to have fun at the movies anymore."

Damn right.

Small Update

Not a really big update. I didn't want to feel I'm I'm neglecting the blog while I relax.

Not at work. How nice is that eh? And starting from week after next, no work on Saturday for three months. Even nicer.

Been playing Total War today. I overslept. I was supposed to do some errands, like go the Registration Department and ask them about my Mykad (new ID). I also need to buy a belt. I guess I'll do all this tomorrow then.

Went out last night to Seattle and met up with Rin, Zack and Eric. It was great.

Call of Duty 2 and Need for Speed:Most Wanted comes out this month. I salivate in anticipation.

That's life so far. Work, gaming, hanging out with friends. It's routine at the moment, but I appreciate that. I remember life being a lot more "eventful" than this and a lot worse than this. It can get a little dull, but I try to remember and put everything in perspective.

Where I am now is exactly what I wished for then.

I'm off to play Total War now. My Western Roman campaign is almost completed. Three more settlements and I win!

Later people.

PS. New movies to watch out for: Goal! (which I am SO looking forward to just so that I can play spot-the-football-stereotype) and Firefly Serenity. I hope for Joss Whedon's sake, it does well. He deserves to be hugely successful! And Doom!

A Very Interesting Quiz

You are a Social Liberal (68% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (33% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

"You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness."

Quite interesting, no? In this case, does this mean I have to support DAP now?

Things are never so simple

*This post was written yesterday but was not posted due to a busy day at work. It's a rant and a manifestation of my dislike for authority figures and people who think they know better, so don't expect this to be rational and bias free. Thank you very much.

I can't decide whether to go for lunch or not today. Or whether I want to have it outside or not. It's so hot outside right now.

I was reading the news and reading blogs this morning. As usual, lots bad news. Then again, what can we expect from the mainstream media. Why is that huh? Is the public so keen to read bad news?

I was reading milblogs by servicemen from Iraq and I've noticed so many good stories, some heroic, others heartwarming and others not so great. But I've also noticed that these stories from the front aren't quite as negative as the mainstream media puts it. So which is it? Who's winning? Is it really Vietnam II?

Like I always say, I think that the truth is always in the middle somewhere, halfway between the John Wayne'esque stories hawks like to tell and doom and gloom that is the mainstream news.

My opinion? America should withdraw BUT not without someone else replacing them. They cannot just pack up and leave just like that without securing Iraq. To do that would be the height of irresponsibility. And more people would hate America.

If they can't secure Iraq, then they need to find someone else to help with that. Who? I have no idea.

Of course, some people, who mean well I'm sure, are too naive to see that. I still see many antiwar folks who hold on to the idea that once America leaves, religious terrorism will magically disappear and everyone will live happily ever after. Really?

It's never quite as simple as that is it?

And talking about naivety, I read in the paper today that some well meaning but naive people think that the solution to bad habits like smoking and drinking alcoholic beverages is to either hike up the price until it becomes too expensive or a total ban.

This will not work. I can tell you that absolutely. Is this me being stupid again? Don't believe me? Believe it. Bans have been tried before and they don't work.

Why doesn't it work? Why won't people stop drinking and smoking when things get too expensive legally? Two words.

Black market. The demand is still there, so somebody will fill the gap. It's just the way it works. The idea of pricing these things out of people's reach is invalid. And no, enforcement won't work either. If it did, the Mafia wouldn't be as powerful like it is now would it?

The fundamental truth is that people are people and among other things, people hate being told what's good or bad for them. Yep, even in Malaysia. Everyone and his moral guardian brother talks about how people should not smoke/drink/mingle with the opposite gender/modify their vehicles/etc but how many people listen?

Why not listen? It's annoying and insulting that's why. People don't like being treated like they're stupid, even if what they're doing is stupid.

Take me for instance. If people treat me like a pariah because I smoke, will this make me want to stop smoking? Hell no. It will only piss me off and make me want to smoke more, just to prove a point. Juvenile and immature I know, but it's not illegal and it's still my choice right?

What can be done is to reason and educate. People will listen more if they are treated like adults and not some stupid budak kecik (small kid).

Having good intentions doesn't make it ok to be condescending and kurang ajar (rude).

People stop bad behaviour and quit bad habits on their own, and for no other reason. And certainly not because of some asshole moral guardian.

My point is that people should stop minding other people's business, whether or not they are agreeable. Opinions are fine, but not when you try to impose on other people. No one has any right to do things that are "for my own good". I'll decide that, thank you very much.

This is my opinion.

Early, Early Bird

I've been here since before 6.00am.

It's very cold here this morning. I'm at the office now. Today, I started one hour early due to the start of the fasting month. There's no one here yet. The regular office people won't show up until 8.00. I like the quiet.

I was checking my schedule and noticed a nice thing for the month of October. This Sunday, I'll be working. I won't be working on Sunday again until the middle of November. That will be so great.

The Corrs have a new album! I like it. This new one has a more Irish sound than their previous albums. This new one sounds more like their first. They even have a couple of gaelic songs included. At least I think it was gaelic anyway. I haven't ripped the CD yet.

Yesterday was another quiet day. I finally managed to drag myself out of the house in the afternoon and drive to town to buy things. I finally bought lots of blank DVDs and a new wallet.

Watched Crash yesterday. Very, very good. I'll be watching this again soon. I like ensemble movies like this. I also like the kind off surreal, dreamy vibe this movie has, despite it's heavy premise about racist stereotyping. I like the haunting score too.

Watching how some of the cast like Sandra Bullock and Brendan Frasier take roles they're not normally associated with was great fun.

Somehow, Crash feels very similar too Lost in Translation, another movie I've watched more than once. I have a big thing for movies with dreamy vibes for sure.

I also am a big sucker for sports films, hence my anticipation for this. The very fact that this movie is about football, features Newcastle United (including Alan Shearer) and set in the English Premier League is enough to make my mouth water. The story will probably be one of those stereotypical ones, but I'm not watching this for the story.

Apparently, it's about two hours long. I sincerely hope it won't be too boring.

I also saw that hilarious Chicken Little Numa Numa clip thingie yesterday. It was.....hilarious.

Apart from all this, nothing new at my end. Excuse me, I'm going for breakfast now.

Randomly Random Again

I wanted to go out today, but I have a headache.

Watched Hostage yesterday. Not bad. Bruce Willis looks unrecognizable with a beard. I was kind of expecting him to be like the character in the Die Hard series, but he wasn't like that at all. A pleasant surprise.

Been having a real good game of Barbarian Invasion. Playing the Western Romans, it's difficult and frustrating at times, what with the empire threatening to collapse on itself, the money problems and barbarian incursions. It's the most challenging and fun Total War campaign I've ever had. Good game this one.

Watched a two documentaries just now, one about the Concorde crash in 2000 and the other one about Interpol art theft investigations. Very interesting.

As can be seen, I'm doing nothing now and finding it quite relaxing. I haven't even been reading blogs all that much. Just as well. One of the bad things about reading blogs is the politics. Sadly, nowadays, blogging has its politics too. And lately, there's been one or two incidences.

Silly, childish ones involving bloggers, other bloggers and commenters.

I refuse to get involved in things like that. That was not why I started blogging and I'm not going to allow it to become that.

I would stop if that were to happen. Ok maybe not stop, maybe I'll change my URL and title. For now, I'm enjoying a quiet, idyllic online existence and I'd like to keep it that way.

Enough about that then.

Since I still have my headache and now that it's almost rush hour, I guess I won't be going out until later, maybe.

I think I'll go blogrolling now and later I'll play RTW again. The Berbers have just sacked Carthage, the Goths are still rampaging in central Gaul, the people of Ravenna don't like the church I built for them and I'll running low on funds.

Lots to do.

Guilt Tripping

Last night, Rin called me to join them at The Crib. It was quite an important night. The Crib is going on an indefinite hiatus, so to speak. Last night was their final night.

Which is a real shame. A real big shame.

A bigger shame is that thanks to my schedule, when other people can go out on weekends, I'm often too tired to go out.

Like last night. I told Rin that I was too exhausted. After I hung up, I felt this enormous wave of guilt wash over me, as everyone else who usually hangs out at the Crib was there, including some friends whom I don't see very often. I still feel bad about it in this morning. It's just like sitting under a waterfall of guilt really.

I feel bad. I wish I could've gone. Whoever was there, please know that. I wasn't being antisocial or anything like that.

Sometimes, I feel grateful about my work. Other times, I curse my schedule and the way it always clashes with everyone else's.

Yeah, sometimes there are days when I'm like that. I hate to refuse. Like sometimes, a particular friend of mine who isn't always around would ask me to go out and I wouldn't be able to because of work. I have a good reason not to go, but I feel guilty about it nonetheless.

Some people who read this entry might accuse me of having a guilty conscience. They would be right.

I admit that. That's probably why I get so defensive about certain things. What things? Well, I don't exactly know.

So the detox list is getting longer. First there's the depression, then there's the sudden anger issues and now the guilty conscience.

My parents are right. I'm one screwed up sonofabitch aren't I? I don't just need a little fixing here and there, I need a complete overhaul.

I need to remember and acknowledge that.

For all of you, I sincerely hope you all are having a great weekend. Later then..

Red

There's an article I noticed recently in the paper, I can't remember which one. Something to do with rude drivers having low emotional maturity. That was an interesting article.

Emotional maturity. That's an interesting concept. I haven't found any definitions, but I think part of emotional maturity is the ability the reign in and control emotions. Or perhaps the degree of control emotions have over a person.

Which brings me to the point of this post. This is a very rare moment these days. Totally of the cuff rant from me. This is going to be freestyle posting, with no thought, no filtering and no planning. So if it sounds biased or whatever, sorry about that then.

It's more of a confession than a rant actually.

Last night, I had a very bad argument with somebody. But the argument is not the point. The point is something that I noticed about myself. Something distressing. And no, it's not me being emo again.

Last night's argument should not have happened. In fact, two years ago, when I was a pathetic depressed whiny bastard, it wouldn't have. I wouldn't be able to muster enough anger for it.

Last night I was able to. And this morning, I got really upset at an innocuous support call. I know people don't call to annoy me, they call because they need help. And yet, even knowing that, I very nearly lost it.

In the last 24 hours, I have been losing my temper MUCH too fast. I'm beginning to turn into something I detest.

Dammit. I have no idea why.

In my entire life, I have never ever thought that I could have trouble with temper because that's just not me. I don't get pissed off. Period. Or at least it's always in control. Anger was never a problem.

This is just great, while I grapple with one demon, along comes reinforcements. This is a good joke heh?

Anyway, I need to do something about this before I inadvertently destroy myself, my friends, my family, my career etc. I can't afford to lose any of it. I need to calm down.

I'm concerned about this. I'm a lot of things, but one of those things that I don't want to become is a person who flies off the handle with the slightest provocation, for no good reason at all. I don't like that, in the people I'm with and most of all in myself.

I hate anger. Anger destroys. I don't want it any more than random episodes of depression. I don't like it when people get angry (especially suddenly and without reason) and here I am, in danger of becoming exactly that. What the hell??

I'm going to have to force myself to be calm, to be rational, no matter what kind of provocation I encounter. This is what I need to do today.

No matter what things I hear or what people say. Whoever can accuse me whatever they want, they can say how screwed up I am, I'm going to try my hardest to deal with that without losing my temper.

Dammit, being mad sucks!

Barbarian Invasion!!

Attention: Game related post

Amazing how early one can wake up with the right kind of motivation. This morning I woke up at 4.00am. Why the hell would I do that?

Because by 4.00am, my RTW: Barbarian Invasion ISO image download was completed, that's why.

Last night, I was on the Net when i came upon a RTW:BI torrent file. The full one, not the demo. I immediately downloaded it. The thing is, the game isn't supposed to be out until today. I wonder who managed to get it early..

Uploaded the ISO image onto my Daemon tools, ran the installation and ran the game without a hitch.

So far the game has impressed. The world map is slightly different. There's religion in the game now, Catholicism, Aryanism, various pagan religions, Zoroastrianism. Very important factor to determine population loyalties. Choose to be tolerant or hardline, up to the player.

The interface is nicer looking. Darker, reflecting the rather chaotic period in the game. The game is set to start at 361AD (I think). This is after the Roman Emperor Diocletian split the Roman empire into two halves and when the so-called barbarian migrations began. The Old World is in upheaval. The Classical Age is about to end and the Dark Ages is about to begin.

A good setting for a brutally violent strategy game.

I started a game as the Huns, which was interesting, because they start as a nomadic horde. As a horde, I have the option to keep moving until I see a city I want to take. Another extra option is what happens after one of my horde armies capture the city. I could occupy it and settle, or I could sack it for loot and move on.

And talking about battles, the AI can fight now. No more dumb mistakes. No more suicidal charges. I actually got beaten in open battle, an impossible thing before BI. I saw the AI use horse archers just like I would. It was amazing. You had to be there.

In sieges, the AI can defend properly now. It will try to plug gaps in the wall where my battering ram is and tried to push out my attacking troops instead of marching back and forth while my archers shoot them to pieces. Inside the city, the AI now stands fast and fights hard. It actually tries to reinforce crisis points and tries to flank me. Some of its defensive tricks are the same ones I use!

It was so much fun! Finally a challenge!

I can’t wait to see what else the game has in store. Oh yes, I have noticed one thing about barbarian factions. They can horde, meaning to say that if you take their last town, they uproot completely and turn into vast horde armies that can either counterattack immediately or migrate to some other place. That means that barbarians will be difficult to eliminate, unlike before.

Makes for some interesting strategic possibilities.

I’m going to start a proper game later, but I still don’t know what faction to play. Do I want to be civilised or do I want to be barbarian? If I take Romans, do I stay Christian or I do go back to the Roman gods? If I play barbarian, do I settle down at the edges of civilisation and build up slowly or do I stay as a horde and pillage my way into Rome?

So many possibilities!

Offline Vacation

Originally, I had wanted to write about how I've been offline lately and that it's good to be away from blogging once in a while. You know, like I planned it like that or something.

But who am I kidding. The truth is, I didn't have anything to write about and that's why I haven't been on.

Accident or not, it was a timely breather.

This week was an improvement over last week. I went out for a movie with friends on Tuesday evening. Watched Flightplan. Not bad. Jodie Foster is always impressive whatever she does. Also, always interesting to watch Sean Bean not being evil.

A decent enough movie, but I didn't really like the final act.

Last night I was supposed to join the same bunch of friends for dinner again, unfortunately I had to go and fix a computer instead.

Now I'm at work. The shifts are about to change in a week or so. I'll be free on Saturdays again. This also means that the final quarter is almost here. The year is about to end again.

I say this every year, but damn, time flies doesn't it? Soon, it'll be December again and Christmas. And New Year's Eve and me getting older. The same thing every year, except maybe this year the me getting older part doesn't really bother me much anymore.

I hope good things happen in the final months of the year. I have a feeling it's going to be ok, less bluesy than previous years. I'll be looking forward to it.

I don't really have much else to write about.

RTW: Barbarian Invasion is coming out real soon. I can't wait for that. All the good games are coming out in October. And there are movies I'm looking forward to watching.

October is going to be a good month.

Levelling Off

I forgot to charge my phone and now it's dead. Silly me.

And talking about silly, my neighbour, who isn't the sharpest nail in the barrel, asked me for help with his internet connection. Apparently, he disconnected his Streamyx account and was using someone else's account. Today he couldn't connect. It's probably because the account's password has been changed but he wasn't buying it. It's hard to help people like that.

Still, he's a decent fellow and I'd like to keep good relations with him. See, he sells handphones and if I'm nice to him, I might be able to score a nice one from him at cut price. It just occured to me that I have money to buy a new phone. Should I?

I think I better buy a new wallet first. My current one is falling apart. Really falling apart.

Tonight is my last night of work this rotation. What a relief that is. Talking about work, Ramadhan is coming and that means I have to come in one hour early until Raya (Eid). That also means I get to go one hour early.

I remember when I was using the company transport. Since they come to pick me up early, I had to get out of the house at 4.45am. That was hard. But now I have a car, so it's not too bad anymore. Unfortunately, since I start so early, I can't have breakfast at my favourite stall since they open after 6.

I hope to be off work during Raya. I haven't been free during Raya in a long, long time (I think). Festivals are nice. Regardless of what festival it is, I get to celebrate it. One perk of having a big, extended, multicultural family.

My relations with my relatives aren't very good right now, since we're scattered all over the country and don't get to see each other a lot. Must do something about that.

I feel very, very calm today. I think my relapse has.....lapsed. As usual, I'm thinking what all the fuss was about. I'm handling it, but sometimes, when I do get like that, I slip. Must remember not to slip.

The search for balance will continue. Looking at the big picture it's getting better, I'm getiing better. I just wish I could progress faster, you know? And without the occasional slipping into bouts of melancholy, if possible.

Tomorrow I'm off and I already have another appointment to go to. Someone needs help setting up a DSL modem.

Reform Regroup

After the madness of yesterday's post, I went home as I usually do after work. On the drive home, I felt a little better. The lack of traffic and the smooth drive helped a lot.

I powered up my PC, went on the net for a bit, went to search for stuff on Torrentspy (and not find anything worthwhile), checked out the Total War forum and had something to eat. I played with the cat a bit. She caught a lizard this morning.

I felt better.

I also thought about these relapses I keep having. I thought about all kinds of reasons why I keep having them. Is it something hardcoded or is it just bad attitude on my part? As usual, I can't seem to figure it out.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that some parts of personality just cannot be changed or removed. I've tried to be the opposite and be cheery and outwardly positive (like a colleague of mine who doesn't seem to be upset with anything at all) but it just made me feel awkward and false.

I also note that my lapses are not caused by being lonely or being single or anything like that. Being by myself isn't what bothers me apparently. So, I figured out something new here. Not being in a relationship isn't a trigger. At least it doesn't look like it.

Knowing that, maybe it's best that I don't get involve with anyone right now, not until I find a way to avoid being gloomy like I can get sometimes. Not until I find a cure or something to make myself better. I can't possibly expect my "significant other" to deal with this kind of shit. I need to pull together before I can do justice to the kind of relationship that I want.

I hate to impose. I hope I haven't. So, no girls until I pull myself together and sort everything out.

I thought about some other things this morning, while I was playing my new Total War campaign. Scythian faction, Very Hard setting. Yes, it's hard. At one point, I thought I was going to lose and be wiped off the map by the Thracians, Parthians, Dacians and Romans. I was at war with all of them and I had little money to build improvements or replace combat losses. But I somehow pulled off a revival, pushed Thrace back and am holding out against the rest.

Sorry, digression there.

What was I saying? Oh yes. Thoughts. People change yes? And most of these changes are for good yes? Apparently not all the changes are good.

When I was younger, I was a lot sadder than I am now. I was also a lot less angry. I'm a lot better now, but I've noticed that I get mad a lot faster now. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at suppressing it. But being mad isn't very good at all.

There you go, another bit of poison to detoxify. So what do we have now in our list?

- Excessive pessimism/lack of confidence.
- Being judgmental.
- Depression relapses.
- Worsening temper.
- Lack of urgency.

These are the things I need to eliminate\control.

I also need to learn to be emotionally self-sufficient. I think I'm too dependent on other people for my emotional well being. And what happens when we depend on other people? That's right, we get stomped. I must learn not to react too much to what other people say, especially people who are callous and inconsiderate with the things that they say.

This unfortunately, includes some members of the household. But we're not talking about that now.

So that's another thing.

Now that I got everything written down and posted in a public domain, I hope I can do something about all of it.

Thank you.

Possible Call For Help

I attempted to write a long, self analytical post just now. It didn't turn out very well. All I can say to that is, damn my lack of eloquence.

In my case, being excessively introspective is not good at all. Rather than thinking too much, I think I'll just say whatever, you know? So...

A few months ago (or was that a few weeks ago, I can't remember which) I said I was going to put myself through a detox program to remove all the crap that bothers me about myself. Lots of soul searching.

That includes removing or dealing with things like my natural tendency to think of the worst possible thing that could happen in whatever it is I'm doing and embracing that thought. It's a bad habit, being pessimistic all the time.

I'm finding it impossible to deal with.

I keep thinking that if I were to be anything other than pessimistic, then I'm being delusional. I have optimism guilt. I have no idea how I became like that. Unfortunately, I also don't know how to get rid of that guilty feeling. It's stupid and exasperating and I KNOW for a fact that it will make itself obvious in whatever I do or say, thus creating the "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect.

I'm stuck in a loop of perpetual victimhood, dooming myself to failure in whatever risky thing that I do. Of course, repeated failures will obviously result in my self-esteem going down again, thus making me more pessimistic. See the loop?

How do I get out of this?

At the risk of sounding very, very lame, I'll be upfront about this and say that I need some help here. This is a good time for some encouragement. I need to hear it with my own two ears, someone else telling me that I'm not a basketcase or a doormat and that I'm not totally useless nor am I always the loser I feel I am. I try to do this myself but my darker side always tells me that I'm just fooling myself. I can't do it by myself. Period.

I don't want to hear anymore condemnation and snide remarks. I can do that all by myself and do a real bang up job at ruining my own mood.

I'm tired of having a really low opinion of myself and I'm sick of feeling like I'm being too proud when I do go and do something good/right. I want it to stop. I want this to be completely lasered off my personality. I want to feel like it's ok for me to be anything other than low.

I have thought long and hard and it cannot be true. I can't be as useless as I feel I am. I can't always be wrong and not everything is my fault. I can't be 90% flaw and 10% virtue like I feel I am. It can't be. I feel like I'm always beating myself up, but for what?

And yet, even knowing this, I can't stop. What do I do? It's obvious, like from yesterday's episode and many other situations, that something is broken somewhere. For the sake of myself and everyone else around me, I need it fixed. But how?

Is there a way out?

Thankfully, everything else is okay. I try hard and lately, I've been less iritable and feel less pressure at work. I've been less judgemental and I've been less angry about things. Except the thing above of course.

More things I need to work out, including the thing this post is about. In the end, I hope it'll be alright and that in the end, I can find real balance and real peace and quiet. You know, like normal people.

Until then, wish me some luck.

Nothing Too Important Here

Some random things.

I don't particularly like Adam Sandler.

I think he plays his Waterboy character a little too much. Same character, different names. I didn't even bother watching 50 First Dates. I much prefer his Happy Gilmore character.

Even so, I found The Longest Yard a lot of fun. This movie is pretty decent, partially because I'm a sucker for sports related movies. I think he did well here, along with everyone else.

Also, it's got Chris Rock and Burt Reynolds. And Steve Austin and Goldberg. And Nelly.

Add grid iron football, inmates and prison wardens into the mix and you get a lot of fun. I haven't seen a movie that I could describe as fun in a long while. Just remember to leave your brain at the door and don't take it too seriously.

Taking things too seriously. A surefire way to see things the wrong way and spoil it for yourself (and sometimes for everyone else). I should know that. In fact I do. And yet, I forget not to.

This next section is for gamers, especially Total War fans.

I can't wait for Rome Total War:Barbarian Invasion to come out. It will be available on 27th of September. For those who are interested, go to IGN.com and watch the trailers. Unbelievable.

There are four trailers. I loved the Hun teaser trailer especially. It made the hair on the back my neck stand up. All those horses....

Plus, this add-on will patch my current version up to 1.3 and hopefully reduce some bugs and maybe add some features. I shudder to think what the next Total War game would be, since Creative Assembly has said that they are continuing the franchise.

While I wait for the game to come out, I'm thinking about what faction should I play. The Franks? Romans? Saxons? Byzantine? Huns? Goths? I think it'll be so much fun to begin playing as any one of the hording barbarian factions, since they start as several nomadic armies (The Horde) and don't own any settlements.

In order to settle down and build, I'll need to go to war and take a city from someone. Preferably a large, rich city. Poor Romans, looks like Rome is going to get sacked. Again.

Right now, I am at work. As usual, I'm here only by contractual obligation as well as an obligation to earn money to support myself. Now that I've said that out loud, I feel a little better.

What else?

It rained like hell just now. The winds were so strong it was raining sideways. This isn't normal.

I feel kinda crappy today. I'm not quite sure why. It's probably nothing. I hate how, among other things, feeling under the weather makes me feel persecuted and that everyone either hates me or is out to get me or both.

Normally, this would be time for me to take it seriously why is that so. But since I'm now aware of this tendency to think very negatively, it's probably just me today and it's not true at all. Not everyone hates me and no one is out to get me. I hope.

But really, being hated/disliked is very saddening and I can't stand the thought of it. It just kills me, especially when I get like this, to speculate about the reason why. I just can't handle it.

Ahh. It's probably nothing. This'll go away in the morning. I hope.

I need to go. I have to fiddle with this new shiny notebook we got that has Wi-Fi network connection set up for it. That should be fun. I hope.

Friends

Today I did... absolutely nothing at all. Except sleep and play games. And read a little. It's getting quite hard to pry myself away from the PC nowadays.

So I decided to do just that. I went to see some friends whom I haven't hung out with for quite a while, at least a month.

This bunch of friends are not the same as my other bunch of friends. In fact, they are very, very different from me. I spend a lot of times around computers. These guys don't. They're more into more physical things like cars and football and WWE. I speak English a lot. These guys don't.

We're so different. I'm the geek and they're the tough, swaggery guys. And yet, we're still friends. Not mere "acquaintances". One of them go back to the days when I was in school. I know him for 15 years at least.

These bunch of friends help put things in perspective and keep me earthbound. They help me realize that life is a lot more than what I see in front of me. And that is a good thing.

In many ways, their lives are harder than mine. In some other ways, their lives are easier.

It's always good to have friends who are the same as you are, keep the same interests, see the same perspective, back you up when you need backing up. But sometimes, real good friends are those who are totally different from us. Like these guys. We make strange company. But good company, it definitely is.

The important thing is not to judge and to keep an open mind. To agree to be different and to listen to each other's stories. To accept that we are different and not to impose ourselves. We could learn a lot from people who are not the same, that we disagree with even. Just need to remember, not all disagreements are personal. Not every difference is contentious. "Different" isn't always "wrong".

That is a good thing to remember.

Despite all the complaints and rants and dissatisfaction I express with living and life, at least I have good friends. I just wish that there were more hours in the day (not to mention matching schedules) so that I can hang out with all of them.

The one thing that I have in abundance is good company. I hope I never take that for granted.

A Blog Post about Blogging

Apparently, according to a survey released by AOL, blogging is therapeutic. I can't help it but think,"Duhhh..." but I think I may be biased because one of the reasons for my own blogging is therapy.

Therapy by blogging. It works, that much I know.

There's lots of reasons why people blog nowadays, especially considering how trendy it is becoming. Of all the reasons, one of the reasons that I don't quite agree with is that some people out there would undoubtedly start blogging to be famous and get thousands of hits a day. Blogging for hits seems insincere somehow.

It's like those people with Friendster accounts who trawl for "friends" so that they can be known as the Friendster user with the most number of friends. I mean, I've seen Friendster users with THREE full accounts. I seriously doubt that they're THAT friendly, or that they know all those "friends" of theirs. I don't know, it seems like she's abusing the facility and turning what is a good idea in the first place into some kind of competitive sport. Imagine that, competitive "friend" making. How would that look in the Olympics you wonder.

Same goes for blogging for hits. I'd like to think that the point of blogging is not how many visitors you get, at least not the major point. But, it's a free Internet and I guess people can do whatever they want, even competitive blogging.

I'm not begruding bloggerbrities (it's a new word I'm trying out since I read it somewhere a few days ago). I've already mentioned it before and I'll say it again, bloggers who write well and have good blogs deserve their number of hits and their resultant fame. That's always cool. Makes the rest of us bloggers "trendier" and with that, less chance of being picked on by muscleheads who think computers are only for geeks who can't get chicks/guys.

I have a thought. Remember the movie You Got Mail? I liked it.

Well, since blogging and blogs are increasingly popular, how long would it be before someone makes a movie about bloggers and blogging. Someone should tell Yasmin Ahmad to rustle up a screenplay. It'll be interesting to see what kind of story it would be.

I can imagine that it would probably be some kind of romantic movie, or a comedy.

In other news, Lim Kit Siang has a blog. Most Malaysian bloggers would probably know about this by now. But think about this. Here we have the lead Opposition MP blogging and allowing people to leave comments. Which means that regular people can talk and ask questions to him DIRECTLY without needing to make an appointment and going through protocol. Provided that he actually reads all the comments of course.

Talk about hands on. Talk about brave, considering the potential amount of crap he would get from trolls.

I know of another MP who has a blog, an UMNO backbencher. I don't know where I put the link. I'll post it when I find it. The last time I went, it was mostly transcripts of speeches though so don't get your hopes up.

I think blogs by famous people are intriguing, provided that they actually write blog entries instead of just using their blog as a place to announce concert dates, movie premieres and political functions. If it is a proper blog, it gives some insight into how they think and what they really are as opposed to the public image that we see. It makes them more, human.

I think that's a good thing.

Whatever it is, one thing is for sure. This blogging thingie is getting pretty big. I'm pleased to be a part of it.

An Independence Day Address

It is now 8.30pm on Malaysia Day. So far, everything is as quiet as I expected it. No fanfare whatsoever. I haven't watched TV nor have I turned on the radio so I don't know if Malaysia Day is being mentioned. I could be mistaken, but today is turning out just like any other regular day.

I went to check out the two biggest national dailies, and all I could find were two articles, here and here.

I guess us "over here" really don't matter all that much to the powers that be huh? I know this would be how it is, but it's disappointing all the same. I sometimes feel that we here in the east are...what's the phrase?

Dianaktirikan. Neglected. The date that's so significant, yet not even worth a mention anywhere. You'd think the government would at least talk about remembering it. But no.

When Cabinet minister rep from our side of the country brings up the fact that Malaysia (as opposed to Malaya) is officially 42 years old and not 48, he is told to shut up and put up. Jangan mempersoalkan (do not question), they tell him. Poor uncle Maximus. So, I guess it's okay in federal circles to insult and demean a Cabinet minister (who happens to be incharge of the Unity and Integration portfolio) from Sabah and dismiss his argument. What does this tell you?

It's fine. Us East Malaysians are used to being insulted like that.

Jangan mempersoalkan. I hear that phrase thrown around so much by people in the government. Well, let me menyoal. If we are not allowed to mempersoalkan (question) so many things, how in hell are we, the people of this freaking country, ever going to learn anything at all. What if we want to know why the government does what it does, are we going to be told to shut up too?

I think it's fear. I think a lot of people in government don't have the balls to deal with "difficult" issues, so the stock answer is jangan mempersoalkan. Just shut up and accept.

Well, what if I say I won't accept that kind of cop-out rank pulling. I want to mempersoalkan a hell lot of things. And you know what I want? I want a government that will answer my soalan and that of others too instead of telling us to shut up. I know. That won't happen in quite a while.

I know, I know, this rant is pointless. What am I? Just another faceless citizen in the forgotten and misunderstood state of Sarawak. What can I do?

Jangan mempersoalkan? Since when have I ever stopped questioning authority?

So, I will keep laughing at and keep heckling dumb politicians who have no clue what they are talking about and yes, I will keep bringing this up, year after year after year as long as the federal government doesn't acknowledge certain facts about us here in Sarawak and Sabah and doesn't do anything to correct and reconcile our different histories.

At least around local blog circles, people actually remember. At least I can take comfort that common, regular people from both sides of the country remember 16th September and what it means. At least I know bloggers aren't as insensitive as the government can be.

Even though it doesn't seem to mean a whole damn much officially.

Have a nice 42nd Malaysia Day everyone.

For some of us, it's forty two...

...not forty eight. The government seems to want us to shut up about it, but I think it's important to remember that this country was created today in 1963, not 1957.

Either way, it's ok with me. The government wants us to accept the "official" independence day on 31st of August, fine.

As long as we never forget that 16th September is important too.

From Wikipedia, under the section Malaysia:History :-

"A new federation under the name of Malaysia was formed on September 16, 1963 through a merging of the Federation of Malaya and the British crown colonies of Singapore (which left in 1965), North Borneo (renamed Sabah), and Sarawak, the latter two colonies being on the island of Borneo."

*emphasis added by me.

We're very different from each other, east and west. Different races. Different culture and different customs. Even have different histories. But that does not mean that we're not one country. Doesn't mean that we can't be united. Doesn't mean one is better that the other.

No matter how hard some people try to change that.

Sept. 16, 1963. Remember.

Brighter\Cleaner

The new template, I must say, is very, very easy on the eyes. A big change from the old one. From dark to light. I hope visitors will like it.

Well, I guess this blog is here to stay, embarassing as some of the old stuff may be. I think I need to live with that. I wrote those things and at the time of writing, they seemed like a good idea. And it's true, I could deny ever writing those things but denying the moments I'm less proud us won't stop them from having happened. I have to live with that and so does everyone else.

I guess it's a part of progression and evolving always involve things like that. Wouldn't it be nice if we could avoid humiliating ourselves as we work our way through life?

The trouble is, it's not really the humiliating and embarassing moments that bug people the most, it's the fact that some people (including some people we want to get to know better) may judge us by the dumb things that we do or say.

I do this too sometimes. So to expect everyone to look pass the embarassing things we did is asking for a little too much isn't it?

So I won't ask and I'll just live with it.

Other than this, I'm not doing much at the moment. And there's no good movies out at the moment. I haven't gone to watch a movie in a long time.

I have a thought about the behaviour of some bloggers and how many practise double standards all in the name of free speech.

Ok, blogging gives people the right to express their opinions. Doesn't this also give readers the right to express disagreement with their opinions.

So, how come some bloggers act all shocked when they post an entry full of sweeping generalizations and racist/sexist/bigoted content and get flamed for it?

Think about it, if you write a post dissing a country/race/religion/lifestyle/gender, is it fair to expect ALL your readers to nod sagely and muse,"Yes, yes, the wise blogger hath spake. Let us taketh this words and reflect on them."?

And no, blaming it on things like PMS or a bad day at work is no excuse. The opinion has been expressed and readers may be offended. There's a price for that.

Commit the crime, do the time, the old maxim goes.

I think it's too much to expect people to understand the circumstances behind every critical post we write. And yet, some people expect that.

One thing to remember, poeple's reactions are one of those things that can't be regulated. The point is, when criticising, be prepared for a reaction.

"Celebrity" or not if you are racist, bigoted and uppity, you deserved to be slammed and publicly crucified as such.

Can't take the heat? Get out of the kitchen.

Should I?

You know, I was flicking through some of my older posts and I'm suddenly thinking about starting all over again. I'm actually rather embarassed at some of the posts, especially the ones from last year. Some of the sappier ones really make me cringe. Honestly.

I was also looking through some other people's blogs and was about to say that these people have more interesting lives than mine, judging from their posts. But really, it's not that at all. It's not their lives are necessarily better, it's their way of writing their accounts that make things sound good.

I have a lot to learn about writing apparently. I need to get a freer, most spontaneous style going on here.

But back to the subject of changing blogs. Is it a good idea to start anew? I'm rather reluctant since I put in so much work here. I need to think about this some more. Some kind of renewal is necessary to make things feel fresh again.

I'm having yet another extremely busy day. Also, today my brother goes back to UiTM. He decided to go back earlier than he should. Should be his final semester, I think.

I have been procrastinating over a lot of things, mainly because when I'm off and at home, I'm just too tired to think and just sit and stare at my PC. I have to get off my ass and do something about this.

I'm too tired even to take pictures despite having a perfectly good camera.

Like the other day, I went to MJC to hang out with a friend of mine at his new office. It was evening and the weather was the cool should-it-rain-should-it-not overcast kind. There's this field in the middle of the complex called The Piazza. I was walking through this Piazza when I noticed that MJC looks very nice in low light.

Of course, I didn't bring my camera. I must go back there next week and remember to bring the blasted camera with me.

I'm going to have to remind myself that this blog hasn't featured a photo taken by me in the longest while.

There's other things I need to do, like find space for my books. I looked and there is no space left in any of the cabinets, shelves or book racks in the house. I've also noticed that we have a hell lot of books.

I'm going to have to improvise on this one.

Ok then, I'm off to lunch now.

EDIT: I found one hell of a blog. Check this out : Seventh Ranger Regiment (Mechanised).

Assorted Nuts

Firstly, as a person who drives a 1300cc vehicle, this is very good news. Now, if only I can find a way to reduce auto insurance. Anyway, reducted road tax is always good news.

I'm at work and I don't really want to be here. No surprises there. I've been feeling extremely unmotivated lately. I might need a change of scenery soon.

Another thing to brighten up the day. I was looking through my hit counter and the top three keywords either have the blog URL or the blog title in it. There are people out there who read me! That's very nice and I appreciate that. I hope they enjoy whatever it is that I write as much as I enjoy writing it.

Sometimes, a few rather well known bloggers drop by. Occasionally, they even leave comments. Everytime this happens, I think,"Woah..." Tis very cool.

I have a song stuck in my head at the moment. Luckily, unlike most days where the stuck song is an annoying one, today it's 30 Seconds to Mars' "Attack". A good song. So much better than that time when I had that damned Crazy Frog song stuck in my head.

There's nothing really happening right now. Let's see how the day goes.

Oh yeah, one more thing.

Anyone who's been reading the papers recently would know about what one DAP writer put up on the DAP website, something about the real "freedom fighters" who won independence back in 1957. (DAP is a leading opposition party here, for those who don't know). Here's an article commenting on the whole thing.

Ronnie Liu, the writer, claims that the CPM (Communist Party of Malaya) and it's leader Chin Peng fought for freedom and didn't get credit for it. Well, they may have fought the British but what freedom were they fighting for?

Since when did communism ever stand for freedom?

It may be his opinion, but Mr. Liu is nuts to think that CPM and Chin Peng fought for freedom. If they did fight for freedom, then why did they continue fighting after 1957. Why did they only stop in 1989?

A bunch of commies fighting a democratically elected government (as screwed up as that government can be at times) are NOT freedom fighters. If anything, commies want to take freedom AWAY, not give it.

Instead, they should be called another name more fitting to their modus operandi. So question time:

What do you call a bunch of people who blow things up and wilfully intimidate/kill civilians while fighting for their "cause"?

Terrorists. When CPM turned terorrist, they showed their true colours. They weren't fighting for us. They were fighting AGAINST us, for themselves. How does this make them "freedom fighters"?

Terrorists are terorrists. Fullstop. Had CPM won, would Mr. Ronnie Liu have the right to yap away and would DAP even exist?

Let's not forget that shall we?

Jared Leto Sings!!

I didn't know Jared Leto was in a band. I didn't expect to actually like the band either.

I've been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars for something like a week before finding out that Jared Leto sings and plays guitar for them. And he writes the songs too. Go to the website and check out the video for Attack. Very cool.

Imagine, Hephaistion singing in a progressive rock band. A good one too.

I've just returned from dinner. Another birthday and good conversation in a place with good ambience. And Lambrusco Amabile, a good red wine which tastes like Nightrain, but slightly sweeter and fizzier.

And of course, there was someone new there. Seems nice enough. Perky, good sense of humour. Seems to be quite open minded, which is always good. Hopefully, I'll see her again. Soon.

I've just realized that I'm not meeting enough new people to my satisfaction. Let's face it, at my age, meeting new people (especially women) takes a fair amount of effort. Besides, I need to get used to being around different kinds of people.

And perhaps, with that, I can break out of my cycle of alternating between loneliness and relationships that drain me.

Oh dear, I'm talking about the "R" word again. That could be bad. I wonder, am I going to obsess and overanalyse again? It's a bad habit. Bad habits die hard, unfortunately.

So far so good, I haven't really been thinking about it. So far so good.

In fact, I'm betting if I keep from thinking about things pertaining to the "R" word, I might be able to be better at it. Perhaps if I stop worrying and watching everything I say and do, I won't find myself in yet another relationship where I get taken for a ride and get dumped after I've served my purpose.

Who knows? This is life and this is one of the many paradoxical things about life. Die to live. Lose to have. That kind of thing.

I should remember that. It seems to be like that most of the time, especially with me.

So, still not looking. Perhaps that will actually help me get.

Who knows?

Update: While I'm on the subject of things that are unexpectedly good, Tatu's new album "Dangerous and Moving" is....well, surprisingly good. I know, I know, that "band" has a rather dubious reputation, but their new is really good.

Current Music - We Shout-Tatu, Dangerous and Moving

Strike a Balance/Independence Day(s)

There's some advice that I could dispense that I could use for myself. Among them would be,"Never make decisions when you're angry or sad. Invariably, the decision made will be wrong and regretable."

Of course, some days you can't help it due to urgency of situation. Most days however, it can be helped.

Another one I should try to remember is,"Never try to blog insightfully when angry or sad. Posts produced during low moods can turn out to be cringeworthy and well,... sound really bad."

Especially if you're me.

Like yesterday's post. Man, that was bad. I should've stuck with the book as a topic. Anyway, after leaving the office, on the way out I decided to stop at the vending machine to get some coffee. Instant cure.

I guess the advice should probably read,"Unless the situation is really dire, don't try to blog insightfully when angry or sad. Posts produced during low moods can turn out to be cringeworthy and well,... sound really bad."

And now, on to other things.

I thoroughly enjoyed the National Day Blogging in Malay Campaign. That was so much fun. I had wanted to do something similar. I had a Malay post planned out. Unfortunately, I didn't write it down because on the eve of National Day, we bought 6 bottles of wine and promptly got very drunk.

So, no Malay post. At least, not until 16th of September, which should really be National Day. Or maybe it should be called Malaysia Day or something like that. Why? That's when Singapore, Sabah and Sarawak joined the Federation in 1963. (Singapore pulled out in '65). That's when Malaya became Malaysia.

It's just my opinion, but 16th of September should be as important to Malaysians as 31st August should be. And no, I'm not just being a disgruntled East Malaysian clamoring for "attention". Just stating a black and white fact.

When it comes to black and white facts on the country's history, someone is not doing their job. I say that because there are, for example, still people who think "East Malaysia" is a different country. You'd think this kind of ignorance should be non-existent now. But no it isn't.

What can you say about that? If there are still people in the peninsular who know next to nothing about us easterners, someone's not doing their job.

Local history textbooks contain too little info about what happened here, in Sabah and Sarawak. Something needs to be done about that. For example, would the ordinary citizen know what happened during the months before September 1963 in Sarawak and Sabah, during the referendum?

Or maybe someone thinks it's not important to know that. I hope not.

It's crap. You go to forums on the Internet, you still hear eastern Malaysians bashing western Malaysians about their ignorance and hear western Malaysians jeer at eastern Malaysians for being "backwards". This is the year 2005. This kind of misunderstanding shouldn't happen anymore.

Someone's not doing their job.

In other news, I owe lots of people (including Microsoft Tech Support) email. Also, I owe some CDs to someone. I'll do those later this evening.

EDIT: Like I was saying....

A Book and A Thought

I couldn't resist it.

Last night, I went to go to Times' with Rin. She was there to buy some books.

I went to the History section as usual. Last time I went there, I think last week, there were four copies the book that you see on the left here. Yesterday, I saw only one.

I thought,"If I buy this book now, I will be kinda broke and I might regret it." However,..

....what if I don't buy it now and come back later to find the book gone. I'll regret that even more.

I bought it.

So far so good. A lot of fun to read. Good pace, without sounding to pretentiously academic and technical, as books like these tend to be sometimes.

After buying the book, we went to the Crib with some friends. It was good, as usual. Met with some very nice people. Proof that despite my own cynical views, there are some very, very nice women out there who aren't stuck up. Perhaps we can hang out again sometimes soon.

I added some new blogs to the roll. Very good ones, as usual.

I was reading some of my earlier blog entries. How different from now, I thought. And how low did I get.

I solemnly swear that I would never let myself go down that road again, if I can help it. I promise I won't let myself be that pathetic. Suddenly, I realise this may be a rehash of a earlier post. I can't be bothered to look right now.

But seriously, when I think about it, part of the problem was I looked inside too much. In my disappointment, I may have failed to see the big picture. I must remember to look up every now and then, even when things don't look so good. I shouldn't always look inside. Sometimes, there's nothing there but darkness.

Hopefully, now that I know that, I can remember it and not regress.

This a good moment for a spot of regret. What if? I could've done a much better job of being myself, if I wasn't so blind.

But it's gone now. Mistakes done, past is past. I paid for it by wasting the time that I had. Lessons to learn and never to forget. Fell for the wrong women, worked the wrong jobs, said and did the wrong things, tried to to things that I was clearly not fit to do. All done and all gone.

I hope, all that makes me a better person somehow. And I hope it's not too late to right wrongs and make amends.

Yesterday, as I was out with my friends, I suddenly thought to myself,"Have I done or said things that hurt them lately? Have I been callous and selfish? Have I imposed in anyway?" I worried for a split second.

I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or hurt anyone through words or actions. But that's the tricky part. Sometimes, things happen and sometimes along the way, we hurt other inadvertently. Without knowing it and without meaning to. Sometimes, I realise that in the process of socialising, sometimes the wrong things can come out.

I worry about that sometimes. Think about it, the worse thing of all is to be yourself and find that being yourself is the thing that pisses others off. That's the ultimate social worst case scenario. Think of how many wholesale changes that you would have to make if that were the case?

I hope I can avoid that. It's a frightening thought.

EDIT @ 6.21PM: I hate this. After writing this post, I suddenly feel useless and a little depressed. I could use a heart of stone right about now. You'd think I'd get over shit like that after all this time right? I should've gotten over getting upset for no/little provocation right? Stupid. If I was a building, then call me St. John the Unfinished. I'll never be complete at this rate.

On a lighter note, I'm halfway through my 300+ page book despite being busy. I read too damn fast for my own good.

I hope for a happier post tomorrow morning.

Doppelgangland II: The Return of The Blog Pirate

Note: This entry was written this morning. I was too tired to finish it, hence the lateness of posting and the backdated time of posting.

I'm not as busy as the last few weeks. But busy enough to not have any time to blog, unfortunately. I'm in the office on Sunday morning, waiting to get off shift. Tonight I still work. Tomorrow I'll be free.

I did try to go round and read people's blogs last night. And I noticed yet another case of one blogger ripping off another one's entry, right down to hotlinking pictures from the source blog. I've seen this before and wrote about it too.

It's pathetic man. Why would anyone risk the humiliation of getting caught like that? As vast as it is, the Internet isn't that big a place. Word gets around and someone will find out. What more to say when the pirate in question rips off a well read blogger with thousands of regulars. Plus the hotlinking of pictures? Is it so hard to download and re-upload?

It doesn't irk me though. It just makes me feel very, very sorry that some people out there want to blog but apparently either don't know how to write or are too chicken to write things they thought of themselves.

I know how that feels like. I read blogs on my blogroll and even now, more than a year and a half since I started posting, I still feel so intimidated by the quality of some of these people's entries. Some people really, really, really have the gift. Really. Sometimes, I feel embarassed to be in such company with my rather pedestrian offerings, if one could even call it that.

I've gotten better I have to say. But my posts are no where near the quality that I would define as "good".

But lo, that is the beauty of blogging. You don't have to be "good". You do not have to be a pro. One does not have to be a literary giant with the writing skills of a poet (of course if one can write like that, then more power to ya).

Blogging shouldn't be a competitive sport where "contestants" are judged on things "quality" and "readership". Having said that I'm not against people who get rewarded for their blogging. Give credit where credit is due. Some people put in so much of themselves into their blog. Some people are gifted writers. Kudos to them for their book deals and mentions in the mainstream media. It's good for all bloggers. With this kind of recognition, we're taken more seriously. We're not just a bunch of nutcases participating in a "fad" or a "craze".

What I'm trying to say is that since there are awards and fame to be had in blogging, some people miss the ideals of blogging entirely and take the shortcut. Rip an entry from somewhere and claim it as your own. Easy, no need to think. No need to get inspired. No need to pour out your heart and soul into an entry. Just use someone else's heart and soul.

Kids, stealing is bad. Stealing someone else's thoughts is even worse. Unless you actually like being publicly reviled and humiliated on the WWW, don't do it.

Expensive Books

Rin lent me a bunch of books about Ancient Rome; From the Gracchi to Nero: A History of Rome from 133 B.C. to A.D. 68, The Annals of Imperial Rome and The Fall of the Roman Republic.

I figured I've been playing R:TW so much nowadays I might as well read about the period during which the game is set. Also, I like history in general so it's nice.

We went to Times' yesterday. I haven't gone there in a long time. And yes, so many books that I want to buy. Things like The Serial Killer Files, The First Crusade: A New History, The Fourth Crusade and The Sack of Constantinople, Genghis Khan and The Making of the Modern World and more.

Also, good military books like one about Iranian F-14s in combat and another one about Marine machinegunners. Oh yes, and the classic War of the Running Dogs, which I've read before. This one and The Jungle is Neutral are great books about war in Malaysian history.

The problem? They are too bloody expensive.

I'm an avid reader. Back in the days when I was still in school and the internet was something to be found in sci-fi movies, I actually spent a good deal of time in the library to read as opposed to checking out girls and things like that.

Yes, I may also add here that I was a nerd and therefore had no business checking out girls. I've always liked history and military related topics. Try as I might, I haven't been able to enjoy fiction as much, except Dragonlance books, Richard Marcinko and the odd Transformers comic.

Anyway, back to the increasingly expensive reading habit. I wish books didn't cost so much.

However, like I was telling Rin yesterday, I'm thinking of setting a budget to get at least one book a month. Which also means I may need to look for a bookcase or something like that since I can't put all those books on my bedroom floor.

This also means I need to cut back on DVDs, probably.

I also need to consider the pros and cons of buying books online vs a bookstore. I notice that some books are cheaper online, even after the shipping charges are factored in. Looks like I need to consider getting some kind of credit card. Which is one of the cons actually, since I still don't think it's a good idea for me to get a credit card. Dangerous thing, that.

I must say that, despite not being quite as huge and varied as the ones in KL and Singapore, some of our local bookshops have pretty good selections. To me anyway, I have this feeling that a lot of people won't agree with that.

But what can I do, I can't afford to fly out to S'pore or KL just to buy a book so I'll make do.

Seriously though, something needs to be done about the damn prices. Cheaper books will encourage people to buy books and more people buying books means better bookstores. Unfortunately, the only thing that I can think of that would help is to get better exchange rates vs foreign currency.

I guess that means books will still be expensive...Unfortunately, too expensive for a lot of people who stand to gain so much from reading i.e school kids.

But no matter, I'm going to seriously consider buying a book a month. Let's see how that works out.

A Funeral

On Sunday, a cousin of mine passed away. Cancer. She would've been 33 this year.

That's the second child my aunt and uncle had to bury. The first one, my best friend, was killed in a bike crash in 1991. The amount of trouble that family's been through is unbelievable.

And yet, as sad as the funeral was, it wasn't gloomy at any rate. Like the priest was saying, we were in church not just to mourn, but to celebrate her life. That cousin of mine is a real go-getter that much I can say. She was as decisive and sure as I am wishy washy and slow.

True to her spirit, she never gave up until the last second. Even through chemo and other stuff, she continued to go to work and teach. Her brother told me that and the priest told us that just now. She was right into it ever since she got diagnosed, actively participating in her treatment, always, always asking questions. Rightly, they admired her for that. Her brothers, her parents, her friends are all proud of her, I'm sure. And somehow, it made her passing less painful to ponder.

She's gone, but while she was around, she made the most of her own life.

The other day Rin was telling that she's been reading my old entries.

"Your old entries are so introspective."

Yeah I noticed that too. I also notice that for a while now, the need to examine myself and my situation is almost gone. Where did it go?

I did get a little introspective just now, during the eulogy. How can I not? It forced me to look at myself carefully once again. Here she was, my cousin, here for 33 years and she did all the stuff that she did and made friends all across the world along the way.

And here I am, what am I doing? Am I doing the all things that I can do? All the things that I should and could do? Am I being the best me the best way I can?

So yeah I thought about it. And no, I'm not doing all the things that I can do. There's so much more. So much damage to fix, so many things to see and do.

I'll be taking some quiet time to think. To be introspective and philosophical again. But not in the way I used to. Instead, I might try looking forward for one thing, instead of regretting things in my past. Which I haven't done for awhile to be fair. At least I'm trying and at least things are changing.

I suddenly wonder, when I die, what would my funeral be like?