Saturday, October 01, 2005

Guilt Tripping

Last night, Rin called me to join them at The Crib. It was quite an important night. The Crib is going on an indefinite hiatus, so to speak. Last night was their final night.

Which is a real shame. A real big shame.

A bigger shame is that thanks to my schedule, when other people can go out on weekends, I'm often too tired to go out.

Like last night. I told Rin that I was too exhausted. After I hung up, I felt this enormous wave of guilt wash over me, as everyone else who usually hangs out at the Crib was there, including some friends whom I don't see very often. I still feel bad about it in this morning. It's just like sitting under a waterfall of guilt really.

I feel bad. I wish I could've gone. Whoever was there, please know that. I wasn't being antisocial or anything like that.

Sometimes, I feel grateful about my work. Other times, I curse my schedule and the way it always clashes with everyone else's.

Yeah, sometimes there are days when I'm like that. I hate to refuse. Like sometimes, a particular friend of mine who isn't always around would ask me to go out and I wouldn't be able to because of work. I have a good reason not to go, but I feel guilty about it nonetheless.

Some people who read this entry might accuse me of having a guilty conscience. They would be right.

I admit that. That's probably why I get so defensive about certain things. What things? Well, I don't exactly know.

So the detox list is getting longer. First there's the depression, then there's the sudden anger issues and now the guilty conscience.

My parents are right. I'm one screwed up sonofabitch aren't I? I don't just need a little fixing here and there, I need a complete overhaul.

I need to remember and acknowledge that.

For all of you, I sincerely hope you all are having a great weekend. Later then..

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